Heavy Hearts (22 page)

“Nah man, I don’t think so, but what I do know is that you need to back away from my girl,” Simon barks; bringing me back to reality. 

Finn starts to rise from his kneeling position and he is tense. Not wanting anything physical to go down I quickly get up before him and attempt to push him backwards.

“Alright… Finn, why don’t you sit down and relax. I’m going to talk to Simon in the other room right now. I’ll be right back.” I say calmly even though I just want to run upstairs to my room and shove my head under a pillow; never coming out.

Finn looks like he wants to say something, but at the risk of upsetting me he does as I say and takes a seat. I grab Simon’s hand and drag him into the kitchen; the two of them never breaking eye contact.

“What the hell Lucy?” Simon angrily whispers; not wanting Finn to hear our conversation. I close the sliding doors behind me and walk over to the other end of the room. I don’t even know how to begin to explain Finn to Simon. I mean… how do you do that? “Hey Simon, this guy that I loved once, and possibly might still love, is here and I think he wants to win me back. I could be wrong though. I don’t really know.” Yeah, I don’t think so.

“Simon… I don’t even know where to start” is all I can think of.

“How about you start with who the bloody hell is that sitting in the living room?” His whisper is more like a muffled yell now.

“Finn.
He’s an old friend.”

“An old friend?
Old friends don’t snogg like that.”

“An old boyfriend.”

“Alright, and what is he doing here now?”

“I’m just as surprised by it as you are. Things didn’t end well between us, and when I saw him standing in my grandmother’s living room I was in a bit of shock. So please, don’t make me out to be the bad guy here. Because first of all, I am NOT your girl, I am nobody’s girl. And second, you just barged in here looking to do the same thing that I’m pretty certain he’s looking to do so you have no room to talk. If anyone has any reason to be upset in this situation it would be Malcolm, but luckily he doesn’t know and doesn’t have to deal with this bullshit.” I finally take a breath. It’s soon taken away though when I hear a voice behind me ask “what bullshit?”

I turn around to find Malcolm standing in the kitchen patio doorway with my cousin Cassie. She looks delightfully pleased that she has stumbled onto something scandalous. “Found this guy walkin around the beach lookin for ya” she smiles and then heads back out the door and down to the beach.

“I- I… honestly.
I can’t even deal with this right now. I’m sorry guys, I really can’t. This is all way too much for me,” I can’t help but begin to cry as I push these two gorgeous men away from me so I can run up to my room and be alone.

First I run through the living room to get rid of Finn.

“I’m sorry,” I pout. “I just can’t handle all this right now, I have to process. I do want to talk to you, I really do, but can you come back some other time? Or give me the name of your hotel. I’ll find you when I’m feeling better.”

“Yeah, no problem” he so very considerately replies. Not what I was expecting. I was ready for him to try and fight me on this. For him to raise his voice and demand I speak with him at this moment. But my head is only filled with all the negative thoughts of Finn because I had to force those to the front to get over what we had.

He writes down his hotel name and room number for me on a small notepad on the couch side end table. “I have nothing else to do in this town, so I’ll be there all the time. You head on over when you think you’re ready” he says handing me the pad with his scribble on it.

“I will,” I squeak.  I turn away from him and head towards the stairs. But he stops me.

“Hey Luce,” he says.

"Here we go
," I whisper to myself.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” I turn to give him a look and ask what for, but he’s already gone, so I continue up the stairs.

I climb in bed and I let my head try and forget that Finn is back, Simon has returned, and poor Malcolm is probably so confused he’ll never want to speak with me again. I feel bad for leaving the two of them down there like that. Simon I’m not worried about, he needs to cool down anyways, but Malcolm?

I wonder what Simon may have said to Malcolm after I exited the kitchen. Did they even talk? Did they yell? Did they fight? I think I would’ve heard them if there was any violence going on, so I can just assume that they either spoke calmly to one another, or they just went their separate ways.

I can’t think about this now. All I can do is cry. Too many emotions have passed through me in the last couple of days. Excitement, shock, sadness, rage, passion, anguish and sadness… let’s not forget confusion.

I cry silently into my pillow as I think about Simon, and I cry harder when I think of Finn. Malcolm is the only one that brings me hope. He hasn’t hurt me, and there is clearly something there; or at least for him. But is it only a matter of time before he does hurt me. I cry some more. I cry until I fall asleep, face down in the pillow.

Chapter 28

I sleep through the entire evening. When I wake up it’s nearly nine o’clock and I am all alone in the dark. After having Simon in my bed last night it feels wrong to be alone. I don’t like it.

I pull myself out of bed and head into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before heading downstairs to check on the damage with Simon; considering he’s practically living here at the moment. But when I get downstairs I want to run right back up.

All three of them are sitting in the living room, but before I can high tail it on out of there I’m spotted.

“Lucy, sweetheart, come sit with us,” Simon says ever so charmingly. I can’t run now. So I have no choice.

“Of course,” I politely say as I descend from the top step and take a seat in the armchair the farthest away from Finn and Simon, but closest to Malcolm. If I had to choose right at this very moment, I’d be on team Malcolm, he’s the only one in the room who hasn’t ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and tossed it in the river.

“So, I can see you weren’t going to wait for me to come to you,” I shoot Finn a dirty look as I say this. I’m not surprised that he came back though.

“Well… I…” he stumbles.

“Hold on just a tick Luce, I got farm boy back here so if you want to give anyone the scowls direct them toward yours truly,” Simon smugly says. So I do.

“Can we get this over with? I have a terrible headache and I’m starving” I say sounding annoyed, mostly because I am, but also because I just want to get this moving… whatever it is. “Why are you all here?”

“You.”
The three of them say simultaneously. I can tell this is going to be a long night.  

Apparently after I stormed up the steps Malcolm and Simon shared some words, and then ran out the door to find Finn before climbing into his taxi. Then the three of them went out for drinks together, talked about me (a lot) and then came back here to ambush me.

“So, the whole time you were talking did anyone think about what I would have to say about it?” I demand.

“Well,” Simon says. “You didn’t really give us a chance to hear what you had to say because you just ran off. We were a bit lost at what to do.”

“And you don’t think I was lost?! Do you know what it means to have the two of you back in my life…?” I look at Simon and Finn; fighting back the tears that want desperately to be released. Malcolm looks hurt. “Malcolm, I - ” but I don’t even know what to say. He may have some deep seeded feelings toward me, but I haven’t the slightest clue as to who he even is now.

“It’s okay Lucy. You don’t have to say anything. I think it’s pretty clear I’m not even in this picture, so I’m just going to go” he gets up from the couch. His head hangs low. “Fellas, it was nice meeting
you, and Lucy” he takes my hand in his and plants a soft kiss on my knuckles. “It was a treasure to see you. I hope our paths cross again someday soon.”

And just like that he’s gone, and my heart aches. He has some odd power over me. At first I was a little scared by how strongly he came on that night at the beach, but who am I to judge someone else’s feelings when I don’t even know how to control my own. I want to leap out of my chair and chase after him; beg him to take me, but I can’t. It feels like I am nailed down to the chair or frozen in utter shock. It’s as if someone handed me a solid concrete anvil and asked me to babysit it for them leaving me helpless and alone in this plush chair too weak to lift it off my lap. 

“Alright then… that takes care of one problem” Finn smirks. I shoot him an evil glare. I can’t believe he would say such a thing, but then I once again think back to that summer in Cherry Valley and his comment doesn’t surprise me at all. But what does surprise me is that after I burn my stare into him he looks guilty and mouths the word ‘sorry’. I remember him being unapologetic.

“Listen, I don’t know what you want out of me… but I’m not just going to be able to pick one of you, or either of you. This is all so much more than just a quick pick” I try to explain.

“Baby please,” Simon whispers. “You know what we have is real, don’t break my heart like this.”

“Oh like you broke mine?” I snap. He has nothing to retaliate with. “I’m sorry Simon, but as of right now it
is not going to be that easy, and I think you should leave. Go find a hotel or something. I need to be alone with Finn for a while,” I look at Finn. “We have a lot to talk about.” And just like that, Simon gets up and leaves the room.

I feel terrible for the way I pushed Malcolm and Simon out of the room, but at the same time I feel like I owe it to Finn to hear what he came here to say. Since there is no
way that is going to happen with the two of them around I needed to get him alone. This is such a mess.

“Alright Finn.
Spill it. Why are you here?” I jump right in. I’m cranky and tired and I really want to go back to bed.

“Lucy, I know it’s been way too long and I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for the way I handled things after my father’s death, but I just want you to know that not a day went by that I didn’t think about you. I’m in love with you, I never stopped loving you, and I couldn’t live my life anymore without you knowing that. I need you back in my life Lucy. I don’t know who I am without you.” I see the tears welling in his eyes now.

“You’ve had years now to learn who you are without me. I know I certainly did. What makes you so sure that I want you in that way anymore?” I can’t help but be cold since it is the only thing that keeps the sobs at bay.

“I knew the second you saw it was me in the living room and I saw that entire amazing summer we spent together wash over you like a breath of fresh air. I know you still love me. I know it.” And all I can think silently to myself is ‘I do’.

“Okay, but I’m in a place in my life right now where I just can’t handle the drama and mood swings that come along with you Finn. It’s hard for me to hate you after tossing me aside, because I know it was a dark time for you, but if you’re going to throw me out whenever things don’t go your wa - ” he cuts me off.

“I won’t, I couldn’t, not again.”

“But do you understand where it is hard for me to trust that?”

“Yeah, I do… I just hope that I can change your mind. That’s why I came here. I want to show you that I have changed. I’ve been getting help, and to start, I want you to know that I’m not going to push you to make a decision. I understand that there is a lot of pressure being put upon you right now and I don’t want to make it any harder. Just don’t push me away. If you still feel like we can’t have back the love we once had, then I will gladly leave and let one of these other fine gentlemen keep you
as their own. But know this, I am going to do everything in my power to make you understand that I have changed.” He gets up from the table and pulls his backpack tight over his shoulder. He walks around the table so he is standing by my side, and he leans down to my level to give me a peck on the cheek. “I’ve missed you so very much Lucy Whitten. So very much,” he whispers as his lips sweep past my ear.

I shiver.

“I’m sorry, please. You have to go right now. I can’t trust myself around you right now when I’m feeling this emotionally confused. Please, go.” I tremble.

He says nothing as he walks out the door, and I am alone. Once I know for certain that he is gone I let myself cry out loud as I put my head in my lap. I don’t understand why this mess is happening to me. Why all at once? Why now? And what… what the hell
am I supposed to do?

I tell myself I have to choose one, but then my heart breaks thinking of getting rid of the other two. So I tell myself I will remain alone, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I love Simon, I love Finn, and I know I could love Malcolm if I gave him the chance. These are three very different men and all three are very passionate about one
thing, and that one thing is me. How can I choose just one heart to love, when it means breaking two?

Chapter 29

Three weeks after Malcolm, Simon, and Finn all popped back into my life and I’m still just as confused as the first day. The day after we all had our little chat I sought out Malcolm. I couldn’t just kick him away like that. If I was going to take in consideration the fact that I may be in love with Simon or Finn why would I give up the only one who hasn’t broken my heart?