Heavy Hearts (19 page)

No I don’t think I was, but what I did know was that I was more okay with it than I wasn’t okay with it. But I didn’t answer with words. Instead I just lifted myself as far out of the water as I could. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for him to get a glimpse of most of my upper half. I walked towards him once more so that I was as close as I could get and I wrapped my arms around his neck to secure myself to hop up out of the water and snake my legs around his waist. I kissed him harder than he had ever kissed me, and he now knew my answer.

Chapter 22

As a young girl I had never dreamt of my first time having sex being in a questionably dirty pond pushed up against a large boulder, but how should it have happened? In a room filled with a thousand burning candles and
rose pedals strewn about the floor and bed? Does that happen to anyone in fact?

I would hear the girls at school complain about how their first times were awkward and painful underneath the football bleachers or in the back of a sports car.

Trust me when I say it hurt, and it was awkward, I couldn’t deny that. All I had to go on was what I had seen in movies, or read in my books, and it was nothing like that at all. And to make matters worse, since I had no idea what to do with my mouth while his tongue explored every crevasse of my neck, I spoke… a lot. 

“I’m on the pill,” I blurted out for some reason.

He let out a strange noise in agreement but continued to explore.

“And this is my…
er, my first time. So I don’t have anything in case you were worried.” I wanted to slip my head under the water and drown myself from embarrassment. Why was I still talking? Why couldn’t I shut up and let things run their course? I needed to start keeping track of how many times I could make a complete fool out of myself in front of him. Although this time he was quick to make me feel better about myself.

“Mine too…” he panted and returned his lips to their rightful place against the nape of my neck.

Oh really?

That changed things. Suddenly I didn’t feel awkward anymore. I didn’t feel embarrassed. And I didn’t feel unsure of myself as I let my guard down and not only let him have my body, but my heart as well. I knew he was a guy, and I didn’t know if giving up his virginity wasn’t supposed to be as special, but I was going to take it as something special. Something that he felt the need to hold on to through his almost complete high school career and was now offering it to me with no hesitations. This was all becoming intense and I loved it. But it also scared the absolute shit out of me.

Chapter 23

The rest of the evening we spent swimming in the twilight and learning how to please each other. I loosened up after I had officially turned in my V-card and received his in return. I let myself explore his body and I let him explore mine. I may have had a permanent divot carved into my back from the various rocks I was pressed up against, but I would learn to love it just like I was learning to love Finn.

How could you not love the person that took the sweetest most sacred part of you? Even if I had only known him for just a few days I still knew that I trusted him enough to give him the very best of me.

I thought about the past couple of hours as we cuddled in the grass against an oversized beach towel that Finn had retrieved from his truck while I hung my clothes over a branch to dry. He let me put his t-shirt on which was big enough to be a dress on me, an extremely slutty dress that didn’t leave much to the imagination, but it would do for the moment.

He held me in his arms and stroked my wet hair while I drew circles in his bare chest. My mind was racing through all the things that happened and all the things that could be. Was I good enough? What did we do now? Did he love me? Did I love him? Those questions circled around my brain like confused bees looking for an open window to fly out. I didn’t think I could muster the courage to ask him, however. But the silence was killing me and I needed him to say something. So I did the one annoying girl thing that I try never to do just for attention… I let out a deep sorrowful sigh.

“What’s wrong?” He asked right on cue like I knew he would.

“Oh nothing…” I said, just as sorrowful as my sigh.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing” he said. “You can tell me ya know. I think we’re past being worried what to say to each other.”

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know.”

“C’mon Luce, don’t act like a typical girl. You’re way more than a typical girl.” He sat up, releasing me from his warm embrace so he could look me in the eye.

“I’m not! I just… what happens now?” I finally spat out.

“What happens now?!” He repeated like a trained parrot. “I’ll tell you what happens now. I’m going to spend the best summer of my life with the best girl I’ve ever met and had the pleasure of falling in love with in a hidden pond in the woods.”

Floored.
I was literally floored… I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t do anything, and I couldn’t feel anything aside from my heart beating extra fast and the heat that was filling my cheeks. I felt like I was going to crumble and sky rocket off into space all at the same time. Is that what love feels like? Was I in love? Was he really in love with me? Opening my big mouth with the nagging sigh has just raised more questions. Was I ready for that?

Yes, I believe I was. And yes, I was in love with that glorious boy.

“Thank you” I said giving him a kiss on his now scruffy cheek.

“And what my love are you thanking me for exactly? The upwards of at least six orgasms you achieved, or just being the delicious eye candy that I am for you?” He was cute and smug and full of himself all at the same time. But I didn’t mind that. I loved it. And I loved when he calls me ‘his love’.

“For calling me your love, and for being you. I love you… and I mean it you know.” I started to choke up. Stupid girl emotions.

“I know. I mean it too. Don’t be such a girl about it!” He said; reading my mind again.

I laughed.

He kissed me like it was his last kiss ever but that was just how he kissed me almost every time our lips met. It was heady and dizzying and I never ever wanted it to end. I was also tired enough to fall asleep with my tongue still intertwined with his. So tired in fact that I must have fallen asleep in our tiny meadow reserved only for us and the love we created there. I woke up to the sound of bumpy tires on pavement, but my eyes defeated me again as they closed before I could get the chance to ask where we were going. Home I figured.

“Kid. We’re back. You can wake up now.” My head was in Finn’s lap while I listened to him attempting to coax me awake and simultaneously stroking my still damp hair. I wanted to wince at that word: ‘Kid’, but then I thought about it, and I didn’t believe he was using it as a demeaning nickname to give me that feeling of being a child. It was now a word that I would forever associate with his love. Could it be possible that he loved me from first glance and that was why he immediately dubbed me with the pet name and continued to use it? Did I fall in love with him as he brushed my prized horse? Was this real? I was not ready for that answer.

“But.
I don’t wanna leave.” I whined, too comfortable in his presence. I couldn’t leave him yet even if it was just for the night, but I wasn’t in a position to be sneaking boys into my room. And I didn’t know his home situation yet so I couldn’t invite myself to his place. I guess that had to be it for the night.

“Don’t worry. I’ll wake you up nice and early tomorrow. You can help me with my work and then we can have the evening to ourselves again.” He gave me a wanting goodnight kiss and I felt every part of me come to life once more, so I pulled away. When he kissed me like that I couldn’t control myself and if I didn’t stop it no one would.

This time it was late enough that I didn’t have Mary waiting to press me for information. Which was good considering I was still in his shirt with soggy shorts underneath and the rest of my damp clothes in my left hand.

I fell into my bed and I swear I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.

I woke up to birds chirping, loud birds chirping actually. Louder because my window was wide open.

I knew I didn’t open it before going to bed, but there was sure enough a small blue bird sitting on the branch directly next to the open window who sang so loud it made me cringe. I was too tired for that… and sore. My body ached all over.

I rolled over in my comforting bed to put my head under the pillow (I could’ve just gotten up to close the window, but that involved actually waking up, and I was not ready for that yet). When I rolled over I was shocked to find Finn snoring away next to me. When did he get there? Why didn’t he wake me up? How did he manage to scale the side of the house and climb through my window?

But none of that really mattered because he was right there next to me. He was so vulnerable like that. He was asleep with his mouth open and a small trail of drool trickling down the corner of his mouth; gross but adorable at the same time. I didn’t even
care that my room was filled with the hot humid summer air instead of the sweet chill of the artificial conditioned air.

He must have felt my gaze, or heard the bird, because he stirred and groaned as he opened his eyes.

“Hi” he said smiling at me as he wiped the drool away from his mouth.

“Hi” I smiled.

Not much more needed to be said. I didn’t even feel the need to question what it was he was doing in my bed because I already knew the answer. He loved me. He wanted to be close to me. The window was the only way in my room that wasn’t the front door. All I needed to do to know the answers to all the questions I may have once had was to look into his eyes and know that the answer would always be “because I love you”.

Chapter 24

My summer with Finn was the greatest summer I had ever experienced (or so I thought at the time). At that moment in time there wasn’t a single thing in the world that could have brought me down… (
again, or so I thought).

The summer had moved forward, and by then my dad had made his appearance, mom had left on her vacation from our vacation, and Finn and I had grown to be inseparable. Dad liked him too, which was always a plus. However, mother didn’t. She said she didn’t like what he was doing to my beautiful personality; which was code for “he’s a bad influence”. She just disliked him because he didn’t come from money, and he was teaching me that there was way more to life than material possessions. I didn’t need fancy cars or heaps of money to be happy. I needed Finn.

I didn’t care what she thought anyway.

One night we had a big dinner at the house to celebrate the sale of one of the most prized horses that father owned. This thoroughbred had won seven races so far and he was less than two years old. So the profit we got from the sale was pretty substantial. 

Mary had cooked up some exquisite rosemary encrusted lamb chops with a side of fresh veggies and wild rice. The mouthwatering scent of herbs and meat filled the air and we all perked up as she brought the food in. She set a plate in front of Finn, Mr. Haywood, Mr. Collins, Dad, and I. Everything looked delicious and we each dug in forgetting to say grace. Mary barked.

“Put down your forks this instant and fold your hands!” She proceeded to say a prayer thanking God for the food he had bestowed unto us and the good fortune he had
graced this family with. We said our “amens” and looked to Mary for approval to eat. She nodded.

It was silent for a bit while we chewed our food. The occasional “mmm” vibrated out of someone’s throat now and again, but for the most part there was only the sound of forks scraping against plates.

Mr. Haywood spoke first. I had met him a few times before then over the past two months, and we got along quite well. I had the feeling he liked me so much because I made Finn forget about what happened to their family, and I made him happy again. I learned during our first meet that Finn took the job on our ranch while his mom was still alive and fighting. They needed the extra money and insurance for her medical bills. Luckily dad offered a very generous health plan, but sadly it wasn’t enough to save her.

Finn’s dad wanted him to quit working at the ranch after the funeral, but Finn wouldn’t have it. Before I came along all he did was school, work, sleep, and repeat. He barely spoke, never hung out with friends, and was a generally sad person to be around. But now I was there and he had something in his life to balance out the bad.

“So, Lucy, have any colleges in mind?” He asked before inserting a forkful of meat into his mouth. I didn’t really want to get on this subject. I brought going back to high school up once in front of Finn and he had a conniption fit. However, I had to be polite… right?

“
Uhm, well. I’m keeping my options open. I have my whole Senior year to figure out what I want” I

My father knew this and shot me a puzzled look. I
squinted my eyes at him and tried to make him understand “not now”, and he must have understood me because he remained quiet and ate his meal.

“I see,” Mr. Haywood replied. “Finn goes back to school in less than two weeks. I wish he would start thinking about colleges.” I was nervous that he would bring up how little time we had left of the summer. I really didn’t want to have that discussion, so I just nodded my head and smiled politely as I swallowed a spoonful of potatoes.