Heavy Hearts (26 page)

"Moving on" Grandma Sally suggests narrowing her eyes at Cassandra, but then giving her a loving smirk. No one in my family would be classified as a prude, that’s for sure. But I still don't feel the need to divulge the size of my suitors' members to the table.
Especially with Kip here. I don't know his status... I don't want to embarrass anyone.

"I just don't even know anymore grandma. I don't know how to handle this situation, but I do know that I can't let this continue." My phone rings for like the hundredth time while having this conversation with my
patient fam. Malcolm must've gotten a hold of Simon and Finn. All three of them have been calling and calling but I keep hitting "ignore." So much for Malcolm paying any attention at all to my note.

"Well who makes you the happiest?" Kip ever cleverly asks.

"Kip! Haven’t you been listening to anything she's been saying?" Kathleen gives him a playful smack up against the back of his head. “They all make her happy, you oaf. That’s why this is so difficult for her." She gives me the saddest puppy dog eyes and I think she's about to cry. Stone hearted Kathleen who's only after men for their money and she's not afraid to admit it, is feeling sympathy for me. I want to cry too.

"Sweetheart, I know this is difficult but you're right. You can't keep doing this to yourself and to those poor boys." Grandma lovingly offers, but unfortunately it isn’t any help.

"I think I should tell them all to go away." I cry.

"Well what's the good in that?" Cassie shouts.
Lifting her head to attention like she's suddenly been zapped back to life. "Why make yourself and all three of them miserable? That just seems like the dumbest option to me. I say keep them all three and have fun. You're young!"

"Cassie, you don't understand. This is in no way shape or form ideal to me. It hurts. When I'm alone with one I'm happy and content, but also craving the other two at the same time. It’s insane." I try and make her understand, but the look on her immature teenage face is just blank. She doesn't get it. "How can I choose just one heart to love
when it means breaking two?" I ask the table. Sullen stares are all I get back and I suddenly realize that no one is going to be able to make this decision for me. I'm on my own.

The phone buzzes wildly once again.
Finn.

"You should at least answer your phone. Let them know you want to be alone while you think about it." Kip speaks. "I mean, if I was repeatedly calling a girl after she stormed out of my hotel room with nothing but a crappy little note I'd be worried."

He's not wrong. I left abruptly, but I didn't want to speak to any of them right now. I might call Simon first and just fall in love with his voice all over again and ask him to take me away without realizing the full extent of my actions. I can't right now.

"Yeah, I guess. I think I'm going to go take a nap for now. Thanks for listening guys." We all stand and exchange hugs. We aren't the touchy feely kind of family, so it's weird... but I like it.

I head up to my room alone. Finally peeling the bridesmaid's dress off that I for some reason had on for our entire chat, I throw on some shorts and a black tank, then crawl under the covers and unlock my phone. Twenty six new voicemail notifications pop up. I click on the first one, it's Malcolm. "Lucy, please call me. What happened? I thought things were great and then you were just gone. Call me please."

The next one was almost an hour later from Finn.
"Babe. Malcolm called me all crazed asking if you were with me... don't know what that's all about. Call me."

And again from Malcolm, but I didn't play it. I skipped down past Malcolm's name two more times and pressed play on Simon's message. "Hey love. Malcolm's gone
all weird. Calling me accusing me of stealing you away from him. What a tosser. Did you kick him to the curb finally? Hope so. Anyway, call me back."

The rest are all from Finn, but I don’t listen. I am about to close my inbox, but my eye catch one that isn’t Finn, Simon, or Malcolm. It is from Mary of all people, and she sounds older, and more tired than I remember her voice.

“Hey dear. I know it has been a while since we’ve spoken, but I need to ask you a favor. I’m worried about Finn. He’s been away from home for a while now, but hasn’t called to check in with either Mr. Collins or I. It’s unlike him and I’m afraid he may have stopped taking his meds. If you’ve seen him can you please give me a call? Thanks Lucy.”  

As if my dilemma couldn’t get any worse now I had to worry about Finn? All I need right now is to clear my head with some sleep, maybe a hot bath. I’ll call Mary later to let her know that Finn is totally fine. I don’t know what medicines he’s taking, but I can at least assure her that he’s better than ever. As for the boys, for now they get a courtesy text: “I’m fine. I need to be alone with my thoughts right now. Please. I’m sorry.”

Then I turn my phone off and let the sleep help me forget about my life right now.

Chapter 33

I wake up to the sound of shoes on the pavement and the feeling like I am floating. I open my eyes, and sure enough, I am. Well, I’m being carried anyway, but being held up off the ground while in a sleepy haze feels much like floating.

“Good morning sleepy head. Or I guess I should say evening.” Finn looks down at me and grins madly.

“Finn?”
I shake off the sleep and focus on his sweaty face. “Finn! What’s going on?” I demand.

“Relax babe. I just really need to show you something. I promise you’re
gonna love it!” I’ve never seen Finn this happy and sure of himself in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m thrilled about what’s going on.

“Jesus Finn, put me down!” I cry.

“You’re not wearing any shoes, don’t be silly. We’ll be to the truck soon. Just hang on.”

We approach a shiny blue pickup truck, much like his beat up old Tacoma, but a much newer model and a lot bigger. He opens the passenger side door and sets me down on the seat. I cross my arms across my chest suddenly aware that I’m barely wearing any clothes. Short pajama shorts and my black workout tank top isn’t really the outfit I want to be
cruising the streets in.

Finn climbs in the front seat. I think about running before he is able to start the car, but it’s not like he’s kidnapping me to take me out and kill me. It’s Finn. He may have some issues, but he loves me and I know I can trust him.

“Do you like the new truck? I bought it today.” Looking self-satisfied he turns the key in the ignition and the beast roars to life.

“You
bought
it?” I reiterate. Curious as to why he would choose now to just up and buy a forty thousand dollar truck.

“Yeah, I bought it for us.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, to head back to Cherry Valley with.
I thought the long drive would give us a chance to talk.” His words pour out of his mouth as if he wasn’t completely insane. Like it’s perfectly normal to take a sleeping girl out of her bed and put her in a truck to take her far away. I’m in such a shock that I can’t even react before we are on the road headed away from my grandmother’s summer home. From my family. From Malcolm… and from Simon. My stomach feels ill as Mary’s message floats back into my mind.

“Finn!
Finn no, this isn’t a good idea. Please take me back.” I plead, but still stunned. I’m afraid my words come out like mushy potatoes.

“Baby doll, you’ll see, this will be good. Good for us. Once we’re back at the ranch it’ll all come back to you. Go to sleep if you want, I’ll be okay driving in the silence. Rest baby, it’s a four hour ride.” He coos. It scares me how okay this is to him. I suddenly find myself wishing I got out and ran when I had the chance.

I try not to freak out. I don’t know what is going through his mind right now. “Okay, but I don’t have any clothes Finn. Can we go back and I’ll pack a bag?” Lying obviously, but I hope he can’t see it.

“We’ll just get you some new clothes when we get there. Plus isn’t your room at the ranch filled to the brim with clothes?” – Shit. He’s got me there.

“Well, I don’t have my phone or anything. I’d like to at least let grandma Sally know where I’m headed. She’ll be worried.” I try.

“Don’t worry
Lucy, we’ll call her when we’re home. We can get you a new phone too.” He brushes my attempts to get back home right off his shoulders. I have to be forward now.

“Finn!
I want to go home. This is ridiculous.” I stammer, trying to sound firm with my words but I’m afraid I sound more like a trembling Chihuahua.

“Sorry Lucy, but I’m not losing you again. Please, just once you’re
back home with me you’ll see. You’ll remember what we had.” His voice sullen, but still chipper like this is all okay.

I don’t know what else to do, I panic, I lose control of everything and I just shout out at the top of my lungs “FINN IT’S NOT YOU!” I shrink back into my seat afraid of what’s to come. Why did I say that? He’s unstable right now; clearly. He turns his head slightly toward me, but still keeps his eyes on the road.

He slows the car and pulls over on the shoulder of Montauk Highway. All there are to my right are trees, but I know how to get back to the beach. I can run.

As if he can read my mind he locks the door. I pop the lock back up and put my hand on the handle, but he’s quick to re-lock it and then grabs my arm. I look at his face.
His pained face. I know I’ve hurt him and I can’t bear to look at him right now, but I can’t look away.

A vein in his forehead bulges and his eyes are buggy. His once slightly tanned face is now beet red and he looks as though he can’t breathe.
Like he can’t breathe… like I am taking all his air away. That makes me think of something my grandma once told me: “wait for the one who leaves you breathless” and just like that I know my previous words were true. He’s not the one. Even before tonight. Ever since that day in Cherry Valley when he pushed me away. A piece of me will always hold a flame for Finn. For my first love – my first lover, but as a whole I could never love him again that way. I can’t love him the way he claims to still love me. I just can’t.

My eyes well up with torrid tears and I can’t keep them back. Salty streams of hot liquid fall down my pink cheeks. Partially because I know I have to break his heart like this, part because I’m terrified, and part because he is really hurting my wrist.

“How do you know?” He yells. “How could you possibly know I’m not your soul mate? Lucy I came back to find you and you’ve barely given me the time of day.”

He’s not wrong.

“I’ve seen Simon in and out of your house repeatedly, and you're taking wonder boy on romantic picnics and to weddings!”

“Finn
, were you watching me?”

“That’s beside the point! Damn it Lucy if you would just spend time with me like you are with them you would know that we’re meant to be together.” The hurt is all over his face, but I don’t know what to say.

“Finn…” my voice is low and scratchy through the tears.

“Fuck it.” He says flat and plain. No emotion even behind his words and he releases me. I feel a slight twinge of victory, but it disappears quickly when he peals out back onto the road; pressing his old worn-out cowboy boots flat to the gas pedal.

“Finn, I” I try and say louder, but he won’t have it.

“Lucy, I don’t even want to hear it. I don’t give a damn about what you have to say anymore. It will all be irrelevant anyway.”

Irrelevant? I don’t stop to dissect, I just try and get him to slow down. Pleading with him, tugging at his green t-shirt and clawing at his overly tensed muscles.

“Please! Please slow down Finn!” My words don’t do anything. He keeps his foot flush to the pedal, and he keeps the pedal flush with the floor. I glance at the speedometer and it’s nearing eighty-five MPH. His face remains vacant as he stares out the window with his jaw clenched tight.

I resort to hysterical begging. “Finn! Please… please just pull over Finn! Please, we can talk about this. I was confused and scared. I didn’t know what I was saying.” I don’t want to lie and give him any false hope or anything, but I also don’t want to end up in an overturn monster truck in a ditch for some dog-walker or late night biker to happen upon.

He remains silent.

The roads are dark. Any light from the moon or a passing home is covered by the thick trees. My mind races as I think of how this is going to end, but I already know how this is going to end. I know what lies up ahead in the road we are on, and it’s not far. I just wonder if he knows too.

For the most part the road is straight, so this fast pace we are climbing to
isn’t all that dangerous as long as there are no other cars. There is a slight corner where Montauk meets South Country and he hits it so hard the truck almost flips. He slows a little, but not much. Not that it matters.

I want to scream. Cry. Laugh.
Anything to show emotion. Anything to possibly get him to stop the truck, but I’m just frozen.

“Finn, please” I whisper. My last attempt to stop him as the short bridge over the East River comes into view. “I’m sorry.” I squeak choking back tears and bracing myself for what’s about to come.

We race over the bridge like he didn’t even have that thought. Maybe I was paranoid, or maybe he was but he had second thoughts. My tensed body relaxes and my terrified tears turn into tears of relief and joy. I close my eyes and smile. Whispering the words “thank you” although I’m not really sure who I’m thanking.