Heavy Hearts (21 page)

“Okay miss, calm down and tell me where you are.” She became more alert now that she knew there was a real problem.

“I- uh I’m a few miles away from the bar on Main Street, I don’t know where exactly.”

“Okay, I have ambulances on their way. Is anyone hurt? Are you hurt?”

“I’m… no. But m-my boyfriend and his dad were in the car. They hit a tree. Hard!” I was crying even harder now. I couldn’t see Finn anywhere. It was dark, too dark.

“And what is their condition?” She demanded.

“Oh God, I don’t even know.
Uhm. I can’t find Finn, and his dad…” I looked back in the truck through the window of the passenger side. I couldn’t get that door open either. “Oh no, oh please no… I think… he’s not moving. I can’t tell. Please hurry!”

“Okay
miss, okay. The ambulance is coming as fast as it can, just hang on the line and someone will be there with you shortly…” but I didn’t. I dropped the phone the second I heard rustling coming from the brush in the woods behind the tree.

I expected to scare off a raccoon or a rabbit, but I almost collapsed when I saw Finn was there, lying in a bush, struggling to get up. I dropped to my knees by his side and helped him out of the bush.

“Oh Finn! Finn!” I yelped, tears streaming down my face as I tried to gently caress him. I couldn’t tell how badly he was hurt just yet, but I knew that he was breathing and that was enough for right now.

“Lucy! My dad?” he asked.
His words barely audible. He spit blood as he spoke and I begged him to lie still and wait for the ambulance. I couldn’t bear to watch him find his father; who I was pretty sure was dead.

“Baby, you’re hurt, please… please stay still and wait for the paramedics. Your dad… he’s in the car. I can’t – I can’t get the doors open,” and right on cue when I said it the truck began to shoot out flames from its front end, setting it and the tree on fire. I draped myself over Finn to shield him from any flying debris. He fought me, crying out for his father and shouting at me to let him up. But even he realized he couldn’t get up as he cursed out in pain and grabbed a hold of his right leg. Broken I assumed.

We were far enough away from the flames that they couldn’t hurt us, but we sure did feel the heat. And I didn’t know if it only happened in movies, but I didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out if that truck was going to explode once the flames reached the gas tank.

“Finn we have to move,” I tried to get him to hear me over his cries, but I wasn’t even sure if he even could see me anymore.

Not knowing what to do I tried my best to get him to his feet. His painful shrieks crippled me and I wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. I had to be strong for the both of us.

I finally hobbled us out to the road and near Finn’s old truck. I leaned him up against the large tire and I could finally hear the sirens blaring in the distance. I wanted to be relieved, but it was hard when I knew that the flames were eating Finn’s last remaining parent alive, or dead, at that point I had hoped he was dead before the fire. I tried not to look at the flaming mess as I attempted to keep Finn focused on me, but he drifted in and out of consciousness and there was a chance shock was setting in as he began to shake. It was only a few seconds later that there was a large burly man pulling me off of Finn, while a smaller and much younger woman rushes to his side to assess the situation.

The paramedic put me in the ambulance and began to question me, but I screamed at him to help Mr. Haywood, or at least I thought I was screaming again. Everything was silent one more time before I felt myself fall backwards into the sterile cab of the ambulance and then everything was just black. 

Chapter 26

It had been three days since Gerald Haywood’s funeral. I still had the urge to laugh at the fact that it had taken a funeral to learn his name. Gerald. It tasted funny when I said it out loud. So I didn’t.

After Finn was released from the hospital - with a concussion, a broken leg, three cracked ribs, and a fractured wrist - he went to live on the ranch in one of the empty work houses. With no family to speak of Mary and Mr. Collins resumed responsibility for Finn until he turned eighteen in a couple of months.

Since the funeral all we did was lie in his worn out twin sized bed, barely big enough for the two of us with Finn’s giant leg cast, but we made it work.

He wouldn’t talk about it… no matter how hard I tried to get him to all he did was sulk. I still had no idea what exactly caused the accident, or why he was swerving in the first place. I knew he would tell me when he was ready to, so I didn’t push.

I was with him almost every second of every day, but I found time to sneak away to make arrangements with my father. We decided I was going to stay in Cherry Valley for a while, we didn’t know just how long, but I would go to the same school Finn went to and I would just stay. I had to.

My mother was of course griping about it, but at least dad understood to a point and he calmed her down. She only wanted me to come back because Senior year was when all the fancy events and balls that our private high school had would be, and without me around she wouldn’t have any reason to go and show off to her friends with less successful children; her words not mine. Dad knew that I would be just fine, and he knew that without me something bad could happen to Finn who was already so close to the edge. Besides, I had Mr. Collins and Mary to take care of us, so there wasn’t any need to worry. Having me gone would most likely be a blessing to both my parents. 

When I told Finn the news he just nodded, gave me a half smile, and beckoned me to come back to bed with him.

We didn’t talk all that much, but we had a lot of sex instead. How could I turn him down? How could I say no to anything he wanted at that point? Not that he made me feel pressured, or that I didn’t want to do it, but just that he lost his mother to cancer of all things, and he had to watch as his father’s truck turned into his own fiery tomb. If making love was how he needed to get past this then so be it. I knew that things would mend themselves after time, but I still had to try and talk with him every so often.

“Finn?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Can we talk?”

“About what?”

“I think you know”

“Nah babe. I’m feeling ready to go again? How about you?”

That conversation repeated itself over and over again, until one day it didn’t.

I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn to a loud sniffling sound. It was Finn. Crying.

“Finn?”
I sleepily said.

He wiped his tears away so I wouldn’t see. “Sorry, did I wake you? I just needed to piss,” he tried to hide his sobs.

“Hun, what is it. Please, talk to me?” I expected him to say no and proceed to pile me on top of him, but that time… he spoke.

“It’s
all my fault,” he cried again.

“It wasn’t your fault. Are you crazy? You can’t blame yourself for what happened!” I pleaded him to listen to my words.

“No, you don’t understand,” he took a deep breath. “I made him put his seatbelt on.”

“And your point?”

“The paramedic told me that my life was saved because I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt and I was flung from the truck. I forced dad to put his on, and it trapped him in the car. His neck broke instantly when we hit the tree, and it’s because I fought with him to buckle up in case we got into an
acc…” he cried, and I let him. He didn’t want to hear from me right now about how wrong he was. None of what happened was his fault, but he needed to come to that conclusion on his own otherwise he was never going to believe it. So we sat in silence and cried together, my heart breaking for him.

It had been five days now since Finn confessed to me all the gory details of what exactly happened in the truck that terrible night. He told me how first his dad would refuse to put on his seatbelt and Finn had to reach across him to put it on for him. Gerald was acting like a stubborn six-year-old and would fidget in his seat, pulling at the belt.

He explained to me how he pleaded with his dad, telling him “Dad, sit still. Please! Just pass out or something.” He told me that his grown father moaned and whined about how he wanted to drive, that he was fine, he could do it. He pulled at the wheel and tugged on Finn’s arms.

“I lost my temper,” he said to me; eyes wide. Behind his tears he relived the entire scene for me. How he attempted to swing at his own father to get him to back off, and how Gerald grabbed the wheel with a tight grip. He said everything was too quick, but slowed down at the same time. He felt the truck jerk to the right, and he saw the tree right away, but he knew there was nothing that could be done at this point. The vehicle was just moving too fast.

“So we hit the tree, and the next thing I remember is you pulling me out of a bush and pleading with me to lie back,” he sniffled.

Since then he seemed to be heading in the right direction back to a normal routine. He would get up for work, spend some time with me, and eat dinner with Mary and
I every night. But it didn’t stay that way for long.

“What exactly are we doing?” He asked me one night before I said goodnight and returned to the main house.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I mean what I asked, Lucy. What is it that we’re doing? Why are you staying here? What are you doing with me?” His questions hit me hard, like a fastball to the gut, and it was quite unexpected.

“Finn, I don’t know why you’re acting like this, but you need to knock it off. You know why I’m here” I tried to calm him.

“No, actually… I don’t. I don’t need you here. There’s no point. I’m poison… if you stay you’ll just end up dying. That’s what always happens.”

I realized he was saying this out of anger and sadness, and I knew he didn’t really mean it. I tried to be patient with him in light of recent events, but I was still hurt and confused; it was hard to keep the emotions out of my face.

“I know things have been hard…”

“Oh you know?!” He cut me off. “You know that things have been rough? And why’s that? You sit up in your fancy ranch mansion and contemplate your tough life? You think you’re some sort of saint for loving the poor boy with dead parents. I don’t need your pity Lucy Whitten.” He was filled with an anger I could see in his eyes.

I couldn’t pretend like that didn’t sting.

My face got hot and tears sprang to my eyes. I tried to tell myself ‘he’s just upset, be patient, give him time’, but how was I supposed to react to that?

“I-I don’t pity you… Finn I love you,” I whispered, blinking my eyes and letting the tears roll down my cheek. I knew that no matter what I said to him that the night was only going to end in one way, and it would result in a lot more tears then I wouldn’t ever let him see.

“Well. I don’t want it. I don’t need your crappy love that’s just going to wither away and die one day, and I don’t want you hear wasting your life with me,” he said with one breath and a face as hard as stone. I couldn’t see any doubt in his eyes, or any emotion at all for that matter. “I need you to go.”

So I left.

Two days later I was back in Manhattan and my best friends were attempting to put me back together. But all seemed hopeless. I would never be as whole as when I was with Finn. I felt dead inside.

Chapter 27

“Finn… what?” is all I can muster. It takes me a second to realize that my cheeks are wet with salty tears; the very tears I never wanted him to see after that last night in Cherry Valley when he broke my heart into a million pieces. ‘But I’m a stronger person now’ I try to tell myself. No matter how much loss I suffer, and how much love for that matter, he will always be the one who can bring out the best and worst in me. In my head I think about climbing off the chair and leaping into his arms, but my heart aches when I think of his touch. I don’t know if I can handle him being in the same room right now.

“I’m sorry to just pop in like this… I uh, well I’m not going to beat round the bush. Lucy, I needed to see you. I need to talk to you. There are some things that I need to make right by you” he tells me in the most sincere tone I have ever heard him use. The look of torment on his face tells me that I’m not the only one who isn’t over ‘us’.

He walks over to me and kneels next to the chair. He brings his strong hands up to my face and wipes away a tear. “Please don’t cry” he whispers as he leans forward and kisses me gently on the lips. I can’t kiss back though; at first.

My bottom lip trembles, but ultimately I am weak underneath his touch and I give into him.

“
Ahh-hem!” A loud voice pulls me out of my Finn haze and I pull back from him instantly. I don’t have to turn around in my chair to know that it’s Simon. I can just tell.

“Can I help you, mate?” Simon sternly says in his most convincing tone, but with his British accent it just sounds seductive.

“Uh, I could really go for a glass of water, maybe even a sandwich… it was a long drive.” Finn spits to Simon. I can’t help but let out a small giggle, but I know I shouldn’t. This isn’t funny.

I thought I was going to have a problem when it was just Simon and Malcolm in my life at the same time – even though I know I would pick Simon – and now I have Finn to add to the mix. Although, could I really be with him? Simon pushed me away because he thought it was what was right for me, and I think ultimately he may have been right, but Finn? Finn ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and backed up over it with his beat up old truck. Have I forgiven him yet?