Helpless (18 page)

***

Jason’s heart beat hard in his chest as he waited for his plane to land.  The chair seemed two sizes too small, the air close and stale.  A snowstorm had delayed landing for the flight and now he was terrified he wouldn’t make it in time to stop Natalie from meeting this guy.  As the plane made contact with the runway he started preparing to shoot out of his seat.  He had to make it through the terminal as fast as possible so he could out of here.  Aldo had arranged for a car to be waiting for him with directions to the restaurant which Natalie had set up for her meeting.

The plane finally taxied to the terminal.  The seatbelt sign popped off.  People started getting to their feet and he jumped up, grabbed his carryon bag and pushed his way into the aisle, nearly pushing at an old woman down into her seat
who was blocking the lane and not moving. When he was just about to bump into her and pretend it was an accident to get her out of the way, she moved.  Jason took the opportunity and he shot forward. As soon as he got clear of the crowds, he bypassed the baggage pickup and he began sprinting toward the exit. He had to get to Natalie in time. He couldn’t bear to think about what might happen if he didn’t.

***

              I arrive at the restaurant and stand outside, waiting. The snow is coming down harder now and I am getting impatient. I arrived a few minutes early because the men who meet me usually show up even earlier than that. But Robert is not here yet. It is freezing out; I didn’t wear a wrap because a wrap adds bulk and takes away from the way this dress flatters me. I begin to shiver and just barely keep my teeth from chattering. Damn this Robert for keeping me waiting.  I’m not going to stand out here, so I start toward the doors to wait in the lobby.  I am disappointed that this guy was not here, waiting on me like he should have been.

             
I hear a car squeal into the parking lot and I snort. Finally, it must be Robert. I get ready to snark at him and make him feel guilty for taking so long, maybe even demand a gift as a token of his apology when I am shocked into silence. Instead of Robert’s image coming through the snow toward me, it is Jason.

             
He is running and seems breathless. When he finally reaches me he begins to shout. “Natalie! Please listen to me! You can’t meet this man! He’s very dangerous. He’s been arrested before for assault and rape! Please, you have to believe me.”

             
The word rape breaks through my shock and I flash back to that horrible night with John. I swallow hard. I don’t want a repeat of that. I allow Jason to take my hand and lead me away from the restaurant.

             
“Let me buy us a simple dinner and we can sit off in a quiet table and I’ll really explain all that went on.”

             
He cocks he head and looks at me.   Right in my eyes like I’m a real person with the right to decide things myself.  Like he used to.  I don’t move.

             
“I promise, if you hear me out I will do anything you ask.  But you really should know all of my side, not just what Heath has said before you make your final decision.”

             
“But you lied before…won’t you now?”

             
“I didn’t start out that way.  Well, just a little about my job.  But then I got trapped between trying to be there for you and telling you everything.”  He looks down.  My eyes follow and see the snow has started to pile up. 

             
Jason actually shuffles a foot and continues, “I swear I will tell all I know, all of my side, and not give you any pressure either way.  I will take you home and give you time to think about it all.  But let me get some food in you and get you back to your cabin safe.”

             
“Hey!  Speaking of cabin, how do you know so much about what is going on tonight?” 

             
Jason gives me that half-grin.  “That is part of the story.  Obviously the last part.  So you have to hear me out to get your answer.”

             
I decide to allow him a chance to explain. But not here, Calem is right, we should head off to a modest little restaurant and settled in.  People are starting to stare at us and the last thing I need is to be in the news tomorrow because someone recognizes me.

             
He asks where we should go, I suggest we get some Thai takeout, I am emotionally exhausted and I trust Jason.  If I order him out of my place, I know he will go.  He might sleep in the snow on my doorstep, but he will respect my wishes and go.

             
As we drive, the snow comes down harder and I hear over the radio that they are going to close the roads. The entire landscape looks like a post card.  I can smell the spices and noodles and my stomach growls.

             
“I see we better hurry, your stomach doesn’t want to wait.  I am sure your stomach likes me.”

             
I give a little snort. 

             
Yeah, my stomach always like the days Jason was around.  He made sure I ate well.

             
When we reach my cabin, I wait for him to come around to my side and open the door for me. I step out into the blizzard and balance on him to keep from slipping and breaking one of my heels. As soon as we are inside and the door is closed, he begins to speak as he puts the food on the table.

             
“Natalie, I am so very sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I gave your father back the money; I want you to know that. I tried so hard not to fall in love with you but eventually I couldn’t stop it. I feel so bad for the pain I’ve caused you. I really was trying to help and then I messed the whole thing up. I didn’t know how to tell you – how to go from the fake story to the real Jason. I was positive you were going to be super angry at Heath, and some of that was going to land on me.  I know you really hate and love him, and those are strong emotions.  I just know that you wouldn’t be angry at me at a normal level that we could talk through because you would be bullshit angry with Heath.  I was afraid you would leave me and I panicked and did nothing.”

             
I blink slowly. He just said he was in love with me. I look at his face and see that his eyes are filled with pain and longing – the same longing that I had felt days before. I take a deep breath and I feel happiness begin to bubble up inside me for the first time since I found out about the whole situation. The events from the past few days and the shock of finding out I almost went on a date with a rapist have weakened my barriers, and I find myself tentatively believing him.

             
Suddenly I shiver, still cold, and he looks concerned. “Why don’t you put something warmer on?” he asks. “I’ll start a fire.” He gestures toward the fireplace.

             
I decide to change into a warm cashmere sweater and designer jeans.  When I come back into the den, the fire is roaring and our food is on the floor in front of the flames with chopsticks poking out the top. It is like a fairy tale ending, but I know it can’t be.  Jason doesn’t know everything about my past and I don’t know about his.  These things could rip us apart and I can’t stand another life tsunami.

             
“Jason…” He nods and we sit on the couch.

             
“We really need to talk.”  I sit next to him and see a flash of panic come over his face.  Well, he is just going to have to do this at my speed.  I take a few mouthfuls of warm Asian food.  Then I begin.

I begin to tell him about my mother and some of the things she had done to me – starving me, waxing me, giving me Botox – and he tells me he knows some of this already. I’m surprised, until I remember what Heath hired him for, and I’m ready to be angry again until he immediately apologizes.

“You know,” he says, “we can get you past this. We can stop it from hurting you and we can get you closure. All it will take is time and trust. I really do want to help you, Natalie.”

I smile at him and feel hope well up inside me.  His look is so sincere.  I knew there was no way he had been faking it all.  Now his expressions, behavior and words are all making sense, I don’t feel that he is hiding anything now.  I remember that I did feel a little feeling when asking him about his job and I pushed it aside.  I guess what “they” say is right, always listen to that little voice inside you when it tells you something is not right.

              He tells me how he knew to come stop me from meeting Robert and how Aldo had hacked my computer to check on me. I realize that Jason must really have cared a lot about me to have Aldo keeping him updated, and to fly across and ocean to stop me from meeting that guy.  That Aldo must also really care for me as more than just a way to make his money.  These boys have been trying to watch over me, with no help from me, for months now.

I take a deep breath and I tell him about what happened with John. I watch as his eyes grow wide and his face crumples into concern and sadness. I realize, as I talk, that my life without
Jason was horrible. This event that I am telling him about is like a window into my life without him, and now that I can see that, I realize I don’t want to go back to that. We continue to talk for hours, until I find myself drifting off to sleep.

***

              When I wake up, the fire has mostly gone out and light is filtering in through the windows. I realize I fell asleep on the couch. Beside me, I feel someone shift. Jason wakes suddenly, sits up, and yawns. He turns to look at me and a smile breaks across his face.

             
“It’s Christmas, isn’t it?” he asks.

             
I nod at him and return his smile. For the first time since the whole fiasco started, I find I don’t want to pop a booster this morning to get myself going. I don’t even want to drink from whatever I didn’t finish the night before, as I have been doing.

             
He looks around the room. “Well, it’s not very festive in here, is it?”

             
I realize he’s right. Before, I hadn’t felt like celebrating. But now…

             
“Well, we can change that!” I lead him to the bedroom and into the closet.  Together we search until we find the box that has the Christmas tree in it. It takes us awhile, but eventually we get it put up next to the fireplace. We return to the closet and we look until we find the box containing the decorations for the tree. We also find a box with garlands and fake mistletoe and other decorations.

             
Jason and I spend the next few hours putting them up. We start by decorating the tree with beautiful glass balls and cute little ornaments and fake birds and a star on top. We also find a string of multicolor lights and wrap it around the tree, plugging them in. We admire our handiwork for a few minutes and then we get back to decorating, stringing garlands across the walls and hanging the fake mistletoe. Once, laughing, we bump into each other right under some mistletoe and he gives me a sweet, chaste kiss. When he pulled away I felt like I was glowing inside with more than warmth, with light.

             
We are done, the cabin looks lovely. I guess things are cozy when you are with someone you love. Jason stokes the fire back to life and we sat down in front of it. I glance at the tree. It looks like a picture out of a magazine. All that is missing are the presents. I realize I am thinking out loud, and Jason hears me.

             
“You’re right…oh, hang on a minute!” He jumps up and runs outside. When he comes back in, he is carrying his bag. He rummages around in it, and finally pulls something out.

             
“Here, this might not be a real present, but it’s the best I can do for now. It’s for your mantle place. I took it with me everywhere while we weren’t talking.”

             
He hands it to me, and I realize it’s a picture in a silver frame. It’s us together, back in London. I’m smiling in true happiness at the camera. Jason’s arms are around me and we are surrounded by friends. I smile and put it up on the mantle in front of all the others. I realize, while looking them all over, that
this
picture is the only one in which I’m in an embrace.  I am actually smiling and being hugged.  Not some guy I barely know draping his arm around me, but a lop-sided, off-balance, full-on real hug from a guy that adores me.

             
I see happiness when I see that picture. 

             
We sit down together in front of the fire once more, and I realize that I am truly happy. We talk for what seems like hours. Jason remarks, “This is so nice. Let’s vow to do this together every Christmas.”

             
I think about the future, about how nice it would be to spend every Christmas as happy as this, and I nod. We will start a tradition together of Christmases in Aspen. For now, I won’t think about all the hard work Jason and I will have to do to help me heal from my mother. I won’t think about Heath and his attempts to buy my love. I know we will get through those things if I stay together with Jason. I think about how my future will have Jason in it, and I am happy.