Her First Vacation (20 page)

This was, Colin knew, just the tip of the iceberg. Taking
down Garret Palmer was only the very beginning of a massive operation. He’d be
the first to fall, then his contact and then the rest of the organization would
go down like dominoes. Palmer might be a twisted sadist, but he didn’t have a
masochistic bone in his body. Once he knew he was out of other options, he’d
start spilling his guts about everything and everyone else involved. He’d be
especially eager to talk if he knew he was on the hook for the murder of a
federal agent, which would put him in direct line with a death sentence. Garret
loved himself too much to not want to save his own miserable life in exchange
for what he knew.
Which was why Colin had to make sure he
didn’t miss the meeting between Palmer and his contact.
That was the
key. The final bit of proof he’d need to get Palmer’s back up against the wall.
After that, it would be up to others to finish the task.

Colin closed his eyes as a wave of weariness washed over
him. He was bone tired, not just physically, but psychologically as well. He
was burnt out in the worst way and damn near sick to death of living a life constantly
built on lies. He hadn’t said anything to anyone, but he’d decided this was
going to be his last job. He was getting out before it killed him the way it
had killed Charlie. There had been a time when the idea of quitting this job
had been utterly impossible for him to imagine. He’d been idealistic enough to
believe he was changing the world then. Now he just wanted to live his life in
peace. No more
lies
, no more constant threat of danger
and death hanging over his head twenty-four hours a day. He’d get a boat like
he’d always planned and sail around the world.

It was easy to imagine it. Simple to see himself at the
helm of a sleek cutter as it sliced through the water with the wind filling its
sails. He’d indulged in this particular fantasy with increasing frequency over
the past couple of years, and in all that time it had never varied in the
least. Not until today. Suddenly the fantasy he’d taken refuge in so many times
shifted, and he realized that he wasn’t alone on the cutter. Claire stood at his
side, her thick mane of hair streaming out behind her in the wind, her face
glowing with the smile she gave him as she turned to look up into his eyes. His
eyes flashed open, and he pushed to his feet, heedless of the odd looks he drew
as he hurried from the dining room. Damn it to hell, she had no place in his
future. Not even in the imaginary future conjured up in his mind. Always, when
he’d thought about being at sea on his own boat, he’d been alone and more than
glad of it. Peace. Quiet.
Solitude.
That’s what he
craved.
Total freedom.
He didn’t want or need a woman
in his life.
Especially a woman like Claire.
Wife and mother.
That’s what she was, and he was never in a
million years going to be husband and father material. There was no point in
even letting
himself
imagine it for an instant. He
wouldn’t want that kind of life anyway. Again there was mocking from some place
deep inside him. This time he resolutely ignored it.

Garret tracked him down just after lunch. Colin was more
than a little pleased to see that he still looked slightly pale. He was
marginally less jovial than he’d been before as well. Colin asked him what had
happened to him, and Garret admitted that he had no answer for it. He
remembered getting stung by something and then being violently ill. The doctors
were saying it was some kind of coincidence about the sting. They thought he
was suffering from a particularly nasty twelve-hour virus. Anyway, he was over
it now, it seemed, and more than ready to get on with enjoying the cruise. Just
as Colin had expected, Garret went right after Claire. Colin followed him and
watched as Garret knocked on her door. He was too far away to hear whether or
not Claire answered him, though he assumed she hadn’t since Garret finally gave
the door a frustrated glare before walking away. Colin moved to the door and
leaned against it, listening. At first he didn’t hear anything and wondered if
Claire might have come out of hiding after all. But then there was the soft
sound of the bed squeaking when she moved. It instantly invoked a flood of
memories of the night before. Of the times and ways they’d made the bed emit
that same sound. He felt heat suffuse his body and damn near knocked on the
door to ask her to let him in. He backed away from the door quickly, before he
did something that would destroy everything he’d worked for. God, he wanted
her, though. More than he’d ever wanted any other woman. He’d thought that the
night they’d spent together would have sated the need clawing at his gut, but
it was still there, just as relentless as it had always been. It was the most
terrifying thing he’d ever faced, and for the first time in his life, he turned
and ran away from something he was afraid of.

When dinner came and went and Claire still hadn’t put in an
appearance, Garret started making all sorts of concerned noises. Colin was a
little surprised that he’d play the role of worried friend when Claire wasn’t
there to witness it, but then he might have been thinking that if she ever
asked, there would be witnesses for the depth of his anxiety. What if she’d
caught the same thing he had? What if there’d been something wrong with the
food they’d eaten that day? Finally, he left the table, though Colin noticed
that he waited until he’d finished every last bite of his food, including
dessert. Colin excused himself along with the rest of the group and went after
him. By the time Colin caught up to Garret he was already knocking on Claire’s
door.

Claire rolled over to focus on the door. She’d been lying
in bed all day. She hadn’t eaten, hadn’t dressed,
hadn’t
even showered. She’d told herself a number of times that she ought to at least
take care of the last, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Showering would
mean washing Colin’s scent from her body, and she simply wasn’t ready to let
him go, yet. She would. She had no other choice. The maid had already been by
that morning, wanting to clean the room and change the sheets. Claire had
turned her away as well. The sheets smelled like Colin. Everything smelled like
Colin. The knock came again, and she laid there as some traitorous part of her
silently prayed that it would be him, that he’d come back to her. Finally, the
third knock was accompanied by a voice.

“Claire, are you all right?”

Garret.
She felt fresh tears
gather in her eyes. Amazing that she had any tears left to cry after the
sobbing she’d spent the morning indulging in. She closed her eyes, willing the
tears to stop even as one trickled down her face and into her hair. Garret knocked
again, this time with enough force to make the door rattle in its frame.

“Damn it, Claire, answer me!”

She finally pushed herself up from the bed, wrapping the
sheet around her as she crossed to the door. She leaned against it as she
spoke.

“Go away, Garret.”

She heard him sigh. “Thank God. I thought you’d passed out
or something. Open the door so I can make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m in no mood for company. Just leave me be, and I’ll see
you tomorrow.”

She heard him hesitate before speaking again. “What’s
wrong, darling? I know something’s wrong. I can hear it in your voice.”

She felt an uncharacteristic urge to snap at him that she
wasn’t his “darling,” and that she never would be. She bit her tongue, though,
knowing she had no right to take her foul mood out on Garret when he’d never
been anything but a gentleman to her. She leaned her aching head against the
door and concentrated on coming up with an excuse for not opening the door.
Finally she settled on the only one she could think of.

“I don’t feel very well, Garret. My allergies suddenly
flared up this morning, and I simply want to rest and allow the medication to
do its work.”

“Are you certain that’s all it is? You aren’t angry with me
for some reason, are you?”

“No, of course not.
I’m just suffering
from tired, puffy eyes and a slightly stopped up nose, and on top of that, the
antihistamine I’ve taken is making me awfully tired. I’m certain that by
morning I’ll feel much better, though. There’s no reason for you to worry.”

She could practically feel him on the other side of the
door. He wanted her to let him in. He wanted to pick up where they’d left off.
The idea of it made her feel slightly ill. Not that she blamed Garret for it.
He was, after all, a man who liked women. She’d always known that. She knew
from the start that sooner or later his nature would drive him to try to turn
their friendship into something more. Eventually she was going to have to tell
him that it wasn’t ever going to happen, despite the fact that they’d shared a
few mildly intimate moments. Right now, she knew she wasn’t up to it, however.
Even if she’d felt capable of saying the words, she knew it wasn’t something to
be said through a closed door. He deserved to be looking into her eyes when she
told him she wasn’t ever going to become his lover. And she would tell him,
just as soon as she was certain she could keep the shame she felt over what
she’d done with Colin out of her eyes.

On the other side of the door she heard Garret sigh again.
“Okay, I’ll leave you to get some rest, but I’ll expect to see you first thing
in the morning.
If I don’t, I’ll be right back here, and I
won’t take no for an answer.
Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you. Like I said, you don’t need to worry.
I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“You’d better be. I don’t think I could bear it if you
weren’t.”

The emotion in his voice was thick. It made her feel even
more ashamed of herself. Garret might be a natural born womanizer, but he’d
made a tremendous effort to curb those ways over the past days.
For her.
He’d changed who and what he was, just because
she’d told him to. And now she was going to have to tell him that it didn’t
matter. Even if he really had changed, she still wouldn’t become his lover. She
couldn’t. She wasn’t at all sure she’d ever want to feel any man’s touch again.
Not when she knew that she’d spend the rest of her life comparing every man she
met to Colin. They’d never measure up. Not in a million years. Because she was
in love with Colin Montgomery, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was
afraid she always would be. She swallowed the tightness in her throat and
forced her voice out.

“Good night, Garret.”

“Sleep well, darling. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She heard him move away from the door, and she did the
same, stumbling toward the bed as fresh tears blurred her vision. Damn Colin
Montgomery for what he’d done to her. And damn her, as well, for letting him do
it when she’d known how it would end. He’d told her he couldn’t, wouldn’t love
her. He’d told her that he wanted her body and nothing more. And she’d told
herself that she could live with that. But he hadn’t just used her body for sex
last night. He’d taught her how to enjoy the pleasure a man and woman could
give one another. He’d kissed her with passion and heartbreaking tenderness.
He’d been rough with need and gentle with compassion. In short, he had made
love to her. Not just sex, not a mere physical joining of their bodies, but a
union of their souls that was so profound she still trembled when she thought
about it. And that’s why she was so angry with Colin. In that dark hallway in
the casino he’d made it very clear what he wanted from her, what it would be
like if he took her to bed. His graphic words still rang in her ears. As she’d
stood before him when he told her to take off her dress, she’d told herself she
was willing to accept his terms. He was the one who didn’t keep his end of the
bargain. Now she was the one who was going to have to find a way to live with
it.

Claire wasn’t feeling much like socializing when she woke
the next morning. She’d spent most of the night trying to sleep and failing to
do more than doze fitfully while her mind replayed every moment of the time she
and Colin had spent together in her room. When she did finally get up, she felt
hot and flushed and was shocked to realize it meant she was aroused. She
crawled out of the bed and into the bathroom where she took a long shower and
scrubbed every inch of her body in an effort to wash the memories away.
Yesterday, she couldn’t bear to lose Colin’s lingering scent. Today she never
wanted to encounter it again. So Colin had changed the rules once he got her
into bed. Instead of using her body to simply please himself, he’d pleased her
as well.
Repeatedly.
She ignored the fresh flush of
heat that swept through her. He didn’t just have sex with her, he made love to
her.
With her.
Over and over and
over until they were both too exhausted to do it again.
Another flush.
He’d taken her to places she’d never been
before, made her feel things she’d never even imagined. So what? The only thing
that mattered was that he wasn’t ever going to do it again. Maybe no one would.
But she couldn’t spend the rest of her life hating him for it. That wouldn’t be
fair.
Because he hadn’t really seduced her.
He hadn’t
forced her into anything. He hadn’t even had to coerce her. She’d gone to bed
with him willingly, which meant she had no one to blame for her current state
but herself. Colin had not lied to her. It was her fault for falling in love
with him.

Knowing the truth was one thing. Dealing with it was
something else entirely, however. There were just over three days left on the
cruise. Two days at port and one and a half at sea. Then they’d be back where
they’d started, and she’d be on her way back to the life she’d taken the cruise
to escape from. She wasn’t about to spend the rest of the cruise hiding in her
room. She would have to face Colin. For her own peace of mind, she had to look
him in the eye and force her heart to accept that it would just have to get
over the crazy feelings it had for him. She wasn’t a coward. Not any longer, at
least. She’d been every bit as willing a participant in the love making as he’d
been, and she was going to accept that fact and move on. She’d had an affair.
It was over. That’s all there was to it.