Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) (9 page)

“You always drive. Why, are you scared to drive with me?

“No.”

“Okay then. I’m changing things up. Just tell me where and I will take us there,” I say with a smile hoping to pass it off as the truth. I don’t have to try too hard to smile. He always makes me smile. Just thinking about him makes me want to just let go and live. I have to think straight. If not for me then for Jase. To keep him safe and out of this mess.

Once we finish eating we are on our way back to the park, so Jase can get his car. I keep checking my mirrors to see if we have been followed. I haven’t seen anything that makes me think we are so I feel good. I have completely forgotten about the nightmare I had this morning. Just having a great time talking about nothing important at all has made my day.

Once we get to the parking lot where we left his, I unlock the doors and get out. I walk over to his car with him and stand there uncomfortably. I break the silence. “Thanks for breakfast. It was a lot of fun. I don’t think I have ever had juice come out of my nose from laughing that hard,” I say with a chuckle remembering the juice incident.

“No, thank you. I had an awesome time. I knew you had a fun bone in your body. It was only a matter of time before I found it,” Jase says while bumping my shoulder with his.

Instant flames flare up in my body. I don’t know where to look or what to do. I hate being in this uncomfortable situation with him. The tension is there. He is so incredibly hot, it takes my breath away. Then all of the sudden Jase’s lips are on mine. I am in shock for a moment until I’m sucked into his force. I relax and just go with it hoping that I am not completely messing this up. I know I shouldn’t be kissing him, but damn, it feels so good. His tongue gently begs for entrance. I part my lips slightly and feel his tongue dive into my mouth. His hands find my head and run through the back of my hair and they hold gently onto my head. He deepens the kiss and I just go with it. I give it everything I have. It’s like there is a fire inside of me. I ignite with his touch. All of my inhibitions melt away when I am locked in his embrace. This is a new feeling to me. The feeling deep inside of me is taking over and I get lost in Jase. I let loose as I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, unleashing years of hurt and the need to feel wanted.

All it takes is a car door closing to bring me back to earth. Embarrassment washes over me and I feel like a fool. I take a step back quickly and glance around. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this, I have to go.” I rush back to my car and hop in as fast as I can to drive away.

I peel out of the park and drive to nowhere fast. I feel so stupid. I pull over to get my emotions in check. I am rattled with sobs as confusion takes over. How could I let this happen? I feel the last bit of my life spiraling out of control. The one piece left that was all mine and controllable. I just lost it.

After some time, my nerves calm and I make my way home. There’s nowhere else for me to go. I pull up and slam my car into park. I hate being so angry at myself when everyone else always is. I know I will always be alone in this world. I look around in my purse for my phone. I haven’t checked it all day. “Shit,” I say aloud. I can’t find it. I scramble around the inside of my car, but I don’t see it. I am starting to lose my cool. I empty my purse out onto the passenger seat. I find it in one of the pockets in my bag, I illuminate the screen and see I have thirteen missed calls. I don’t even need to check them to know that they are all from Frank. I don’t think I have ever been so scared to go home. I know he is waiting for me and it won’t be good. I start wracking my brain for excuses to tell him why he couldn’t reach me. Nothing will really matter anyway. Frank thinks what he wants and he is always right. I make my dreaded drive home terrified of what is waiting for me.

Chapter Eleven

I have an eerie feeling as I am putting my key in the lock to open the front door, but there is no way around it. I have to go in. if I run from this it will only make Frank more upset. It’s better to just get it over with and accept my punishment. Usually he will take my car away from me except for the things he needs me to do. He always makes sure I can use it for his agenda.

I slowly open the door and peek my head in, but I don’t hear anything, but silence. I release the breath I was holding in and quietly close the door behind me, making sure it doesn’t bang close. The second I turn to walk in I am suddenly grabbed by the throat and pushed against the wall. It’s hard to breathe. Frank gets his face as close as he can to mine without touching and starts yelling at me with such force his breath feels like a slap to the face.

“You little bitch. Where have you been? I have made myself clear that when I call you answer.”

I try to pry his hands off of my throat, so I can breathe. His grip is close to my stitched up chin instantly sending knife digging pain through it. Fear is running wild through my veins and I don’t know what to do. Struggling just makes him angrier.

“I can’t breathe,” I rasp out with the little air I have left. That doesn’t seem to make him ease up on me. Instead it only makes his grip intensify. I try to look around hoping someone will save me, but all I see is darkness as I start to black out.

“Ain’t nobody here to save you. You will play by my rules while you live in this house. I thought I made myself perfectly clear when you killed your mother that this is the way things were to operate here now. So, tell me where the fuck have you been that was way more important than answering your phone?”

The veins bulging out of his neck terrify me. I have never seen him so mad. I am starting to lose focus on him and my lungs are burning with the need for oxygen.

“I was at the park,” I stutter breathlessly. The hold he has on me is nearly lifting me off the floor. I don’t know why, but he lets go of my neck and I fall to the floor gasping for air. I can’t get oxygen into my lungs fast enough and I am struggling for the air to extinguish the fire in my lungs.

“At the park? Are you sure about that? You better think long and hard before you give me that answer because I know where you are at all times,” he spits out.

I have never seen eyes turn red, but his eyes look like flames and I can see the rage in them. “I said I was at the park.” Crying and scared I get up off the floor to go to my room to hide. Instantly, I am knocked to the floor by a blow to my cheek that sends instant blackness to my eyes. I curl up into a ball preparing for the wrath of Frank. I am shaking and holding my breath, anticipating the next hit, but nothing happens. I look through my fingers to see if he is around, but I’m alone.

I jump up and run to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I grab a wash cloth and run cool water over it and press it to my cheek hoping it will soothe the pain away that is throbbing in my chin that is now bleeding all over again. I hope he didn’t pop any stitches. After doing this several times with no relief in sight I finally get brave and spare a look in the mirror to see what kind of damage I will have to hide from everyone.

I am horrified when I see a reddish purple bruise high up on my cheek bones on the right side of my face. I can’t even tell you what hit me because it all happened so fast. I crumble to the floor and hug my knees as I let the sobs wrack my body. I have never wanted life to end more than I do in this moment. I have no reason to live. I do not want to go on anymore. I quickly get up and search the medicine cabinet for anything I can take to ease the pain and take me away. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. I know this is my only way out of this life. I find an unmarked prescription bottle filled with what I can only think are Franks pain pills. I shake as I open the bottle and dump all of the contents into my hand. I turn on the faucet and fill up my cup and bring my hand to my mouth to down the pills and make this all disappear.

I am so startled when my phone vibrates in my back pocket that I knock a couple of the pills into the sink and watch them fall into the drain. “Fuck.” I contemplate checking my phone knowing nothing can come from it. I finally decide on looking at it. I swipe my screen to unlock my phone. I have one new message from Jase.

Jase: Thanks for breakfast, I’m sorry if I crossed the line with you. I will never regret it
though. See you at school. J

Fresh tears sting my eyes. I look at my handful of pills and back at my reflection in the mirror. I am sad that I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me anymore. I used to see my mom in me, always hoping I was making her proud surviving in this shit hole of a life I should have never been brought into. I loved my mom and I knew she loved me more. I just don’t see it anymore.

I decide not to text Jase back, fearful Frank is tracking my phone and watching my moves. I know Dixon saw me at the park and watched me leave. I just never thought he would let Frank know I was there, let alone with someone. This is one of the main reasons I try to keep him away, but like a magnetic force, I am always drawn to Jase.

I throw the pills in the toilet and flush them. I not a hundred percent comfortable with my decision, but it had to be fate that Jase texted me at the moment when I needed him the most. Something floods my insides and I get the strength I need to take myself out of the bathroom and into my room. I may not want to live today, but who is to say I will feel the same tomorrow?

I climb into bed and wrap myself tightly into the blankets and close my eyes, hoping some sort of sleep will find me. I want to sleep away the next day until school on Monday. Thank goodness Frank didn’t take away my car.

I toss and turn for an hour, but can’t make myself fall asleep. I sit up and rake my hands through my hair. After my suicide, I decide to go to the cemetery and visit my mom. I need to talk to her, to feel her around me. Have her make things better. I don’t go see her very often. I can’t handle it. The last couple of times I have attempted to go there I have left after only making it a couple of steps out of the car.

The wound is always fresh and it hurts just as much now as it did when I had to bury her. The wound will never completely heal. Each day is a struggle to make sense of everything and why I was dealt this hand in life. Just thinking about going there feels like salt in a wound, in this case, my heart. I just can’t think of anything that might help. The stinging starts at full force, but dulls as my body gets use to the pain.

I quietly get out of bed, throw on some clothes, and make my way out to my car hoping I don’t wake Frank. Once the coast is clear I get in my car and immediately put on Heaven by Otherwise. This song always puts me at ease. It helps knowing others have had to deal with the same pain of losing someone close. It seems to dull the pain a little. It’s a song I play over and over when I think about my mom. The tears fall and I gladly welcome them, hoping they will acts as rain washing away the bad making a clean path for the new.

Once I park at the cemetery, I have a hard time getting out of the car. I fight with my legs and head to corporate together and give me the strength to get out of the car. I make it out and slowly walk the path to my mom’s grave. Seeing all the headstones, knowing these are all somebodies loved ones buried side by side and in a place where people are supposed to come and have peace, is hard to take in as it always has been.

I finally make it to my mother’s final resting place. It’s nothing extravagant. Just a basic headstone. Frank claimed he was broke and this was all he could afford. It’s okay though. She is here, away from him, no longer under his control. She is no one’s puppet anymore and that makes me feel better.

I sit down on my knees and stare at the ground my mom is buried under. I rest my hands on the grass hoping I can feel something I lay my head down on the grass and just cry. This is the one place I am not embarrassed to let it all out. “Hi, Mom. I miss you. I’m so, so sorry you are here and I haven’t been here to visit. It’s just too hard. This is all my fault. I should have just listened when you told me to run. I was so angry and needed to do something. I needed to get the anger out.”

I take a breath and wipe my face. “I knew we could have both made it out alive if I would have just left. If I hadn’t made the stupid decision to grab the gun and try to shoot him. Then when we struggled you got hit. I killed you. It’s my fault. There is nothing I can do to take this pain away. I just want you to forgive me for taking your life away from you. I miss you more than anything.

“I’m trying to get away, but he has me too scared to do anything about it. I don’t know what to do. I’m trapped, but I have a plan. I’m going to make it out. I’m going to make you proud of me mom.”

“I met someone. His name is Jase and, god, he is amazing. He’s sweet and he really cares about me…I think. And he isn’t too hard on the eyes either. I wish you could meet him. Nobody really knows about him. He’s my little secret. I don’t want Frank to find out and risk him taking away the one thing that makes me happy.

“I just wanted to let you know that I love you and a day never goes by that I don’t think about you and miss you. I love you mom, forever.” I kiss my hand and press it to the headstone and make my way back to the car, feeling a little relief but also defeat. I did it, though. I didn’t run away and I got to say what I have been wanting to say for a long time.

****

Monday morning comes sooner than I would have expected it to. The only sad part about it is that I have this huge mark on my face that I can’t hide with my hair or cover with makeup. To say I am mortified to face Jase is an understatement. I’m not ready to answer questions. I don’t think I will ever be ready to tell him everything. To lose the one person who treats me like an actual person is too important to give up, so I will have to make something up. I don’t want him to feel guiltier than he already does. I know he is already sorry for kissing me. Truth be told, I’m not one ounce sorry. I actually felt something for a second in my life. It was amazing, sky rocketing bliss to me. I got lost in Jase and I will treasure it forever. I just don’t want this to end.