Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) (11 page)

“Oh Maddie, I can’t help you if you won’t let me in. I want to help you. I want to be there for you and fight every demon that lives inside you. I just can’t if you won’t give me a chance. Please, Maddie, let me in. Trust me to take it all away.” He is begging me like his whole life’s happiness depends on it.

I wish my heart and my head were on the same page. I feel like I am being split into two people. “It’s bad, Jase. Real bad. I am damaged and I live with that every day. You don’t live with him. You don’t know what lengths he will go to make sure I disappear. There is nothing you can do. I’m in too deep. When I turn eighteen I’m leaving here. I just have to hold off for a little bit longer. This, us, is making it harder for me. He saw me with you. You could be in danger now. Fuck! How could I be so stupid? I should have never come to coffee. I can only see you at school. If they find out who you are, they will make your life is a living hell like mine.” I don’t know if I am saying this to convince him or myself. It’s an internal battlefield in my body right now. Right from wrong. I know the life I live is wrong. I also know keeping quiet is wrong. The only reason I keep quiet is because I don’t want Frank to have the satisfaction of seeing me crack. I also don’t want to end up like my mother.

“Who? Who is going to do this Maddie? Does your Father hurt you? Because if that is the case I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

“Stop, Jase. Just Stop. I think I need to get home before he finds out I’m here. I don’t want him sending someone to come find me,” I say as I grab the handle above the door to help me get out of his car. Things have been getting so out of control since I met Jase. Coincidentally, it was the same day Dixon came back into the picture. I am ready to crack. I hate being only a shell of myself. I want to be a fraction of a normal girl. An intense need takes over me and I figure I am already in trouble for being here with Jase, so I take a leap of faith and I kiss him. I do it hard with all the anger built up. I kiss him like I will never see him again. I pour my heart out into this kiss, hoping it will get him to forget about this situation and just remember me. I leave him out of breath. I only hope his heart is about to beat out of his chest as mine is. “Goodbye,” I say softly and head to my car to face my nightmare and to see if I have been snitched on.

Chapter Thirteen

When I get home the coast is clear. I get no greeting from Frank at the door. I don’t even see him around the house, which in my case is a very good thing. I’m not ready to be confronted about my coffee date I make my way to my room to finish up some homework.

As I open the door to my room I am dumbfounded. My room has been ransacked and left in a complete disaster. Everything is thrown around and turned upside down. Things are everywhere. Frank did this. Dixon must have told him I was there with Jase. I am almost certain of it. He has to know that telling Frank is hurting me. He is trying to kill the last bit I have gained back from everything. He always has to fuck with the tiny bit of things that are mine.

I am so angry my body is convulsing. I slam the door behind me. They constantly find the worst things possible to do to me. This is minor compared to what has been done to me in the past, but I still can’t help feeling violated.

I pick up the closest thing to me, one of my drawers that he emptied and tossed on my bed, and throw it against the wall, screaming and crying at the same time. I smash stuff, pretending it’s Frank and Dixon’s faces I brace the dresser and lower my head taking a breath. I look up and see my image in the mirror. I look nothing like I remember. I look pale and weak. I don’t ever remember looking this worn down. I cock my hand back and punch the mirror as hard as I can, smashing it into a million tiny shards of glass. My hand throbs in pain, which is a welcome feeling at the moment. It makes me focus on that and not everything else.

As I start to calm down, reality hits me. I have to clean this all up, so I go and grab a trash bag. This will be a good distraction and something to focus my energy into.

As I begin to carefully pick up the pieces of glass, I cut my palm. Instantly, I inhale through my teeth making a hissing noise as the glass cuts through my skin sending pain to travel through my veins. I feel it moving in my blood stream and it almost feels like the feeling I get when I get my tattoos. The pain helps me to remember I am still alive.

It’s a strange moment looking at the crimson red blood running down my palm to my wrist. It’s as if the blood symbolizes my mom’s life. Even if no one sees it while it runs through my body, it’s always there running deeply, keeping me alive. It’s like my mom. I can’t see her, but I know she is here, always on my side, giving me the strength to never give up. God, I just don’t want to disappoint her. Every day I am living here I feel like am letting her down. All I want is to know she is resting in peace, I don’t think she will truly ever be until I break free.

I get up and make my way to the bathroom to clean my hand and bandage it up. When I get back into my room I sigh as I see the long clean up progress ahead of me. I am starting to regret some of the things I trashed. I lift up a drawer that was dumped and gasp at what I find under it, one of my favorite pictures of me and my mom on my fourth birthday. I am wearing a huge pale pink princess dress with a plastic crown. I have a magic wand in my hand and I am touching my mom’s nose, probably asking her to wish for something and pretending to grant it to her. We looked so happy. We didn’t have a care in the world then. Frank wasn’t around yet. I don’t really remember too much about that time, but I always had a great time with my mom. She loved me hard and made sure to tell me every chance she got. I think she liked to over express that, hoping I wouldn’t ever feel like it was my fault my father left. I never felt like that, though. I have always been smarter than my own good, my mother would say. I know my parents were young and I was unplanned and this wasn’t what he wanted. Yes, I do get angry that he couldn’t step up and be a father. Because he didn’t, Frank found us. I refuse to focus my energy on the what-ifs and the things that never happened. I grab all the pictures and tuck them into my purse. I don’t want to throw them away.

It takes me about an hour and a half to clean everything up. I fall onto my bed to take a quick break before I start my homework. When I pull out my folder a folded up piece of paper falls out with my name written on it. I just sit there and stare at it. I don’t even want to touch it. I don’t know who it is from and I am terrified Dixon slipped it into my bag at the coffee shop.

It doesn’t look like Dixon’s writing, so after a moment of hesitation I pick it up. I carefully open it as if I open it too fast something might pop out and hurt me. With fumbling fingers, I open it making sure to keep it in tact and not rip the creases. I immediately scan to the bottom to see if it is signed by anybody. I am shocked when I see it’s signed by Jase. Now I am more nervous than before to read it. Jase is the only one who could hurt me now. I expect it from Frank and Dixon, but not Jase.

It's hard to explain

The truth is I'm nervous

To explain how I feel

There’s too few of words

To describe how real

Imagine a mountain

Coming up at your heels

Coming so quickly

It would feel so surreal

See that's it right there

The idea is crazy

It's cannot be true

Or could it maybe

Be that nothing makes sense

There’s nothing I could say

And just random rambling

Can get you to stay

So in terms of my words

I look at where I've landed

And although completely absurd

I hope you can understand it

I reread the words on the page. I am having a hard time accepting these feeling he has thrown at me because it feels so different to me. I use to get along with nearly everyone, but after the incident every one turned their back on me and completely disconnected from me. To say Jase makes emotions run crazy in me when he says things like this is an understatement. I want to believe him with ever fiber in my being. He hasn’t done anything to make me think different. He is always there when I need someone. It’s like he just gets me and it’s nice.

I shoot him a quick text. Nothing much since I will see him at school tomorrow, but just to let him know I got his letter. I keep typing words and erasing them. Nothing sounds good. God, how did it get this bad that I don’t even know what to text somebody? I finally type something and it doesn’t sound too bad so I hit send before I can delete it again.

Me: I found a letter from you in my backpack. How in the heck did that get in there? Thanks for the lift up :).

I stare at my phone wondering if he is going to text me back or if he is busy doing something else. He texts me back before I can even finish my thought.

Jase: Glad you found it. I hope it put a smile on your face :)

Me: It did and, once again, your timing is impeccable. Thanks for the smile, See ya at
school tomorrow! G’night.

Jase: Um…Timing? Ok, hope you’re feeling better and I PROMISE you’ll have a
better day tomorrow! Night.

I stare at my phone trying to figure out how tomorrow will be better. I wonder if he has something up his sleeve. I am anxious to see what he means, but also excited to see what he might have planned. I never thought I would think this before. Anticipating the next day is a new one, but it’s a sweet feeling. I didn’t notice before, but my cheeks hurt a little because I am smiling more than I have in a very long time and it’s starting to numb the pain a fraction.

****

I fly through my homework knowing the faster I get it done the faster I can get to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about Jase all night. I am trying to keep my cool, but I am dying to know what he has planned. I just hope I’m not a “save the damaged girl” project for him. I don’t know what I would do if he had some certain agenda. Then I think about his gentle green eyes and the many times I have seen the sincerity in them. The effort he puts in is a constant reminder to just try and live in the moment.

All the bad things that have happened and could possibly happen are beginning to fade. I don’t want to continue to live with always feeling like something is going to happen to me because if or when it does I don’t want to regret the time I have wasted trying to please everyone and never succeeding. Never letting myself have some sort of joy. In a way I feel that I deserve this little bit of pleasure in life. I don’t ever want to be the poor girl people pity. I’m strong and have made it this far in my life. Most times it is easy for me to feel like giving up and, believe me, I have many times. With Jase in the picture he makes it difficult to think of never seeing his eyes and smile again, so I go to bed tonight thinking of tomorrow and what it is going to be like. What he can possibly do to ensure I have a better day because I want that more than anything with the tiring days I’ve been dealing with in the last couple of weeks.

I have been bruised at the hands of Frank and stalked which resulted in stitches. I am constantly on edge. I’m a mess and I know this. I know I have to make things right when I get out of here and never live like this again. I would rather die than to live this life again. I just hope everything will be worth it in the end. If I can just make it out alive without Frank taking me down like he has promised so many times. Everything will be worth it and I know my mother wouldn’t want it any other way. I know she is rooting for me as she tries to guide me along the way to where I need to be. Freedom I know doesn’t come without a price. I am just so scared to know what that price is.

Chapter Fourteen

The alarm startles me awake. I have never wanted out of this bed so bad in my entire life. I jump up, grab some clothes, and head to the bathroom. I am excited to get to school and see what Jase is planning. I make my way to the bathroom not caring if I am making too much noise or if I wake up Frank. Today I woke up wanting to live, so screw Frank if he wakes up.

Once I am showered and dressed, I look in the mirror. I have a glow in my face. I’m not much for a lot of makeup and only own the staples, lip gloss and mascara. I am pretty simple when it comes to getting ready, but I do take an unusual amount of time trying to tame my wild hair. After battling my frizz and trying to keep it to a minimum I grab my bag and dash out of my room hoping nothing stops me on my way out of the door.

I haven’t seen Frank since he decided to trash my room and I really don’t feel like dealing with that today or ever for that matter. I want to avoid as many confrontations with him as possible. I know I have to just do what he asks and stop making it such a huge deal when he asks me to do things. I do know those are the rules while I live here and it will just make things easier and keep him off my case. It will also make it safer for Jase and I and in the end. That’s the most important thing.

I go into the kitchen to grab something to eat on my way to school, so I don’t have to stop for coffee this morning. I want to get to school as fast as possible today. When I turn around from grabbing something out of the cabinet I see Frank sitting at the table reading the newspaper and drinking his coffee as silent as can be. We don’t talk unless it’s needed, so I just act like any other day and head out of the kitchen, so I can get out before he opens his mouth. Too bad I wasn’t fast enough.

“Where are you off to in such a hurry this morning? You’re lucky I don’t have anything for you to do.”

“I have a test this morning, I want to stop by the school library to do a little more studying before I take it. See ya.” I start to leave again, but once again he talks so I stop and listen.

“Okay, just make sure you’re home right after school because I will have some things for you to do. 3:15 and no later. You got it?”

I roll my eyes. “Sure. Not a problem. I’ll come right home.” This time I do make it out of the house without another word and make my way to school.