Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) (19 page)

The second the door opens and I give Mr. Shultz my pass, he opens the door and gestures with his hand to come in. All heads turn in my direction. I try my hardest to have my game face on, forgetting the bruise that is now turning disgusting shades of yellows and greens under my eyes. I never make eye contact with anybody. I just keep looking straight as I head to my desk. The second I sit down, I turn and unload my book and folder from my bag and open it up to the pages listed on the board. I feel his eyes burning holes on the side of my face and never make a movement to take a peek.

Suddenly, a note is tossed on my desk. I brush it off with my hand and let it drop to the floor not caring who picks it up to read it or see it. There is nothing right now that would make me want to pick it up and read one word on that paper. I know it would start to break down walls that need to be there. Walls that guard my heart like no one ever could or would. I am distracted from my thoughts when I hear him whispering my name quietly.

“Maddie, please. Maddie, just talk to me.”

I shake my head not even looking at him. I don’t want to see the same pain I have been seeing on me on him. I know it’s there and I know this is killing him as much as it is killing me, but I didn’t make this bed. This is his bed to lie in. I didn’t build every good memory on a foundation full of lies, hoping it wouldn’t swallow me up one day. I didn’t ask for any of this. I will not give him any satisfaction of even a glance his way. I don’t know what he was thinking trying to keep this from me or if he thought my life was so screwed up I would never find out. I’m sure he knows if he tried to explain this from the beginning I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day.

As class finishes up I pack my things up slowly, not wanting to leave an open second where he can waste anymore of my time. When I feel it’s been long enough I get up and leave the room only to come face to face with him at the door. He looks as horrible as I do. It’s all over his face. The pain is there and he isn’t doing a damn thing to hide it. I divert my eyes and make my way down the hallway, making quick steps to get to the end of the hall as fast as I can. I sense him following me. Not wanting this to explode in the halls I avoid going to my locker. When I am just to the doorway Jase jumps in front of me.

“You can’t avoid me forever. Why can’t you just hear me out? You have no clue why I did what I did. Do you think I did this to hurt you? I knew you would figure it out eventually. I never wanted to hurt you, Maddie. I did this to protect you! Why can’t you just see it that way? All I ever did was ask you to trust me. You trust me, Maddie, so why can’t you just hold onto that and know I did this all for a good reason? I promised I would never hurt you.”

Having enough of this I raise my voice. “But you did hurt me. Don’t you see that? You lied to me and made me look like a fool. All for what?” The stabbing pain returns to my chest. I lower my voice. “You know what, Jase? I thought I could trust you. Fuck, I thought I even loved you. I told myself over and over again I had no clue what love was. You just kept pushing deeper and deeper into my life, making me feel things I never felt before and it…it was amazing. You made me feel special, like I had a purpose to live. Like nothing at all mattered from my past. You saw me. If this is what it feels like to be betrayed by the person I thought I loved, I never want to feel this way again. That is why I can’t trust you to never do this to me again. I’m sorry. I just can’t and I won’t.” With that I walk away, tears qweblinding me.

I try hard to get through the next class, but I can’t so I decide to just go home after. I refuse to go through this today. I’m more hurt than I let on to be. I didn’t think I could ever be this hurt after having experienced more pain then most people would ever go through in their entire life. When I feel like my body might just give out and I can’t push through anymore I walk up to Ms. Anderson’s desk. “Ms. Anderson, I’m not feeling very well. Can I go to the nurse, please?” After she looks at me her eyes stop on my eyes, noticing the bruising.

“Maddison, can we step outside of the class, please?”

Now I’m nervous I did something wrong. “Sure, let me just get my stuff.” I grab my bag, not looking at Jase at all and follow the teacher out of the door.

She looks at me with sympathetic eyes, but very calmly asks, “Maddison, is everything okay at home? I noticed your eyes and the bruising. If there is something going on you can tell me and we can figure this whole thing out. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen bruising on you. It’s starting to happen more often and I just need to ask you. You can talk to me.”

Knowing what I have to say and torn on saying what I want to say are going at each other in my head. I know what I have to say wins out and using everything in me to say it I look at her dead in the eyes and say, “Yes, everything is fine. I tripped on a shoe in my room and fell into my dresser and busted my nose. It’s nothing. I can be so clumsy at times. I assure you everything is great. I am just not feeling very well. I just think I need to go home and rest. My stomach is just bothering me today. I’m fine otherwise, I promise.” I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile. She smiles back believing everything I am feeding her.

“Okay, go to the nurse. Feel better. See you tomorrow. Oh wait, give me a second and I‘ll get you the work for today so you can do it at home.”

She comes back and hands me a paper telling me what needs to be done.

“Thanks,” I say as I make my way to the front of the school to excuse myself for the rest of the day, which is becoming easier and easier with this school. It’s like they just say yes because they are scared of saying no to me and me going crazy. I mean, everyone knows what I have been through. It’s not really a secret around here. There is never really an escape from my life so to speak.

Once I make it home and get in the house, Frank is sitting on the couch with a couple of guns sitting on the coffee table in front of him, looking like he is gearing up for something to happen I say to him.

“What’s going on? Why all the guns?”

He looks at me and gives me a smile that makes me very alert. I see his eyes are droopy and glassy. I know he is on drugs or drunk.

Not making any sudden moves, scared for my safety I say, “Okay, I’m going to my room to lay down. I’m not feeling very well.” While I walk there, I listen to Frank chuckle, a sound I have never heard him make. It’s a nervous laughed laced with uncertainty.

I stay in my room for the rest of the night, avoiding messages and calls from Jase. I don’t know what it is going to take to get him to realize I’m not going to listen right now. I’m not strong enough to deal with it. Not saying I will never hear him out, it’s just not happening right now. Where I am at in this part of my life doesn’t leave any more room for deceit. Hoping I wake up in better shape tomorrow, I fall asleep with visions of Jase’s face and the sadness that consumed it. I don’t think I will ever get that image out of my mind and I am sure it will haunt me in my sleep.

Chapter
Twenty-Three

Three eerie weeks have gone by with no word from Dixon. No wars going on between Frank and him yet. Life has been hard. It hasn’t gotten any easier seeing Jase. It’s actually been harder than ever. I truly thought with time I would heal and learn to get over it. He hasn’t stopped trying to get me back. We have barely said more than two words to each other, but that is my doing not his. If it was up to him I would forgive him and make up with him. It never seems to happen and the wounds are still raw. I go with the thought of ignore and all will disappear. You would think I would know better than that since nothing has ever left me from my past. It always finds a way of rearing its head when things get easier, which makes me feel like I will never truly be healed.

On the bright side, if there is one, graduation is tomorrow. It’s bittersweet for me. Excited to be that much closer to leaving, but sad my mother isn’t here to see it. I will be the only one with no family out in the crowd cheering my accomplishments. While everyone will be crying happy tears I will be hiding my tears of sorrow. I have contemplated not even showing up and just getting my diploma from the office and not even participating, but the joy of sticking it to every person who has tried to make me give up or run away is way more important to me. It’s not like I’m graduating with honors or anything but I worked my ass off graduating with a pretty high GPA. Something I will need when I set off on my journey.

I haven’t decided on a place to go yet either. I plan on just taking off and going where ever I am drawn to. I am sure once I get there I will know and I plan on finally settling down and making a life for myself. Just three more days. Seventy-two hours and I will disappear.

These weeks of not being with Jase, I haven’t been sleeping well. Too many pictures of happier times always flashing through my mind. Most nights I wake up in a cold sweat after reaching for him and realizing he isn’t there anymore. It makes me second guess my decision. If I was too hard on him and should have just given him the time to explain things to me. Maybe if I would have given him just a tiny break we wouldn’t be here right now. I’m all alone. I have nobody to talk to anymore. I keep telling myself that I just feel this was because I am lonely and it was the right thing to do. My heart doesn’t feel that way at all. It’s starting to not feel right. The past week I haven’t really gotten any messages from him. It’s like he is giving up and realizing we were doomed from the beginning.

Even though this is what I wanted, I can’t help but be hurt. It’s like I don’t even matter to him anymore. I think about him every second I am awake. I still love him. I just know this is what needed to happen to keep my heart safe. Reality is, he is the only one who can make my heart whole.

I keep thinking I need to talk to him. That finally the worst of the pain is gone and I need to give him that chance to explain. I just don’t think he wants to now. I wasted too much time being angry. If I could just put my pride aside and not act like such a baby I could ask him to talk to me. It’s not like I don’t see him anymore. He still has the look of sadness on his face. I sometimes think I am the only one who sees it. He has started making some friends not being with me. That’s what I wanted for him. To have a life and not let my reputation kill his chances of having friends. That’s another thing weighing on my decision to stay away lately.

Since nobody is here with graduation tomorrow and I am basically one of the few who are here, it’s nice being in class without much going on. Its gives me time to think, which I sure have had a lot of time doing lately. We don’t have lesson plans or specific things to do since finals were last week, so I pull out a book I have been reading slowly not wanting it to end. Nothing makes me happier than escaping my life and living in another one inside the pages of a book.

The door opens to the room and in walks Jase. Everything stops and the few students left in class look up. One person looks back at me and back to him. I’m sure they are all anticipating a huge blow up. It’s not a secret we don’t talk. People were saying how they were happy he finally wised up and found out who I was. Becca couldn’t have been happier. She thinks she actually has a chance with him now. I haven’t seen him talk to one girl, though. He avoids them like the plague.

This is not what I wanted to deal with right now with my whole internal battle that just took place. He looks straight at me and pins me with his eyes. I swear they even twinkle. This is not good. I am hoping since every single seat is empty except a couple he will take a seat away from me. I’m nervous to be this close to him without anybody around. I know how I react when I’m with him. Not very rationally. He walks closer to me and it feels like we are in slow motion. Everything crawls to a slow pace until he takes a seat next me.

“Hi,” he says.

Feeling the blush creep to my cheeks, I look up and see people staring at us. “Hey,” is all that comes out.

“I’m glad you’re here. You know I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he says looking very serious.

“Okay, but can we not do this here? I really don’t want an audience.” I see the corners of his mouth start to turn up. He quickly composes himself.

“Sure, of course. Maybe we can talk during lunch. I just really need to get something off my chest. I’ve really missed you, Maddie. I don’t think I will ever stop missing you.”

I cut him off, thinking this is getting too deep to talk about in class. It’s not like I am anticipating a reunion or anything like that, but I think I have cut him off enough and it wasn’t very fair to not give him a chance to try and explain things. “Okay, lunch it is. We can meet after class.” Relief floods his face and he looks more at ease than I have seen him in the last couple weeks. It really looks nice on him.

“Okay,” he turns in his chair and starts scribbling some stuff in a spiral notebook.

I get engrossed in my book until the bell rings.

We meet outside on the quad, a place I have never been comfortable going, but with the amount of people not attending the last couple days it’s not so bad. I sit down and go to pull out something to eat just as Jase sits down across from me.

“Hey, I’m glad you decided to finally talk to me. How have you been?”

I shrug my shoulders not knowing how to say anything right. “I’ve been pretty much a bitch to you and I’m so sorry. I just don’t deal well with lies. I always tend to think the worst of everybody. I mean it still doesn’t excuse the fact that you lied to me, but I am willing to hear you out and at least give you a chance to explain yourself.” I take a breath. I don’t know why I am so anxious sitting here. It’s like the first time I talked to him.

“Okay, let me just say first how sorry I am you had to walk into that. Not because I got caught, but because I was watching the pain on your face. I was literally watching your heart getting ripped out of your chest and it was all my fault. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I told you I never wanted to hurt you and I did the exact opposite. I would do anything to take it back.”