Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) (16 page)

“I’m pretty sure I have said this before, but please don’t put yourself down around me. It pisses me off. You are so used to people giving you fucked up looks and not treating you the way they should be, but I will be damned if I let you tear yourself down. I have twenty/twenty vision. I can see pretty damn well. Can I finish what I was saying now without you laughing?”

Stunned into silence all I can do is nod my head in agreement with wide eyes, but damn if he didn’t look seriously hot putting me in my place I might have lost my shit with that one.

“Like I was saying, other than being beautiful, you are the most caring person I know and selfless. You go through hell just to keep everything going for that asshole’s personal gain. You take the brunt of shit and I’m so sorry for that. I never want to see you hurt like that again. I promise to do everything I can to make it better for you. What you mean to me is more than I ever thought possible. I hated moving here to an empty house and no familiar faces. You, Maddie, make it so much easier. I go to sleep dreaming of getting you out of here. I will get you out of here. I will do everything in my power to make you whole again. If I have to I will spend the rest of my life healing the wounds. You just have to let me. Being here with you isn’t enough for me. I want all of you. Every last drop, until you trust me to fix this and I will. You still aren’t giving me everything, I know, but that just makes me want to work harder for you. I feel like my heart is freefalling off a rock and the only one who can catch me is you. You know you have my heart Maddie, don’t you?”

Holy shit, not what I was expecting him to say. If I don’t say something I might mess this all up. Think Maddie, think. “Um, thank you?” Why did that come out as a question? I’m so bad at putting my feelings out there. I have no clue what to say and don’t know how to word things that I want to express to him. It’s like everything I have been thinking for days gets all jumbled and doesn’t know how to come out straight. I’m afraid to open my mouth, scared of saying the wrong thing when what he just said was perfect.

“Okay” he drags out. “That’s all you got? I thought we were making progress.”

He sounds defeated. “No, wait. That’s not it. I just…It’s hard for me to put this into words. Is it hot in here? I’m really hot,” I say as I am fanning myself as fast as I can with the menu, trying to keep the pink out of my cheeks. The truth is, I am completely hot for him after his confessions. If we weren’t in a public place I might not trust myself around him. “Are you hungry? I’m not feeling like eating much anymore. We can stay if you really want to.” I have completely lost my appetite for my food. My stomach is in total chaos and I don’t know if I could even get a bite down with the tornado that is ripping through it. “You know, I’m not really hungry anymore. Let’s get out of here,” I say as I grab my bag and make my way out of the booth we were secluded in.

The privacy vanishes and I feel exposed and raw once we are walking through the restaurant. I walk fast past Jase as he apologizes to the server about leaving. I instinctively walk to Jase’s car. As soon as I hear the car unlock I hop in, unsure of what is going on but sure of my feelings at this moment. I need to get him alone. If I can’t verbally tell him how I feel I know the urges I have can do all the talking necessary. The second his door closes I pray his windows are tinted. I lunge at him with my mouth being the aggressor and my hands working hard for his shirt. It feels like an out of body experience. I tell the voices in my head to fuck off. As I take his mouth, hoping I’m making this enjoyable for him, I slide my hands under his shirt and feel the strong lines of his muscles, that only pushes me more. It’s like they are saying come and get me, see if you can handle this. Jase seems to be enjoying this as much as I am.

His hands drift under my shirt on my back, working soft strokes that make my skin tingle. His hands start to get stronger as he is gripping my sides. As my hands fist his hair, I instinctively start moving my body trying to get closer to him. I need to feel him. I need this. I need to know I am wanted. As I try to get as close as possible I feel him growing harder as I am moving my hips. The friction is doing things I feel ashamed to even think of. As I climb higher, I feel this need that I have to keep going…that something will give to make me feel better. I push down a fraction harder as the building intensifies. The combination of hungry kissing and rubbing sends me spiraling out of control. I ride out each wave of pure blissful pleasure as I pant hard and try to catch my breath. The moment I come down from the highest peak I drop my head to his chest shielding my face.

“Fuck,” he says as he tries to catch his breath in an attempt to slow his beating heart.

I can feel it with my cheek that’s pressed firmly on his chest. Suddenly confused I say, “Was that what I think it was?” I ask as my embarrassment grows heavy.

“If by that you mean the big O, than yeah it was.”

Shit, that did not just happen. It’s like someone took over my body. I don’t even know how this happened. This was not supposed to happen. Yes, I wanted a great day hanging out, but I never thought this was going to happen. I have to get out of here. I can’t even look at him right now. I am more mortified than I have ever been. I’m sure he has done things like this before. I would be stupid to think he hasn’t, but it’s just not something I have ever done. I jump back to my seat and smooth my hair down and say to him without even looking at him, “I think I’m going to pass on the tattoo today. I’m actually not feeling to well right now. I’m gonna head home.”

“Maddie, it’s okay. Don’t go. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

I shudder at how dirty I feel. I feel vile just like I did when I got out of that house after being used and tortured by Dixon. “Jase, I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I need to go.” I flee the car and run to mine. Jase jumps out of the car to run after me, but I’m already reversing out of my spot. He runs to the front of my car to stop me from leaving. I can barely look at him. I drive around him and I hear him yell.

“Maddie!”

It’s too late, though. I’m already driving away.

Chapter
Nineteen

I haven’t slept a wink since the whole car thing with Jase. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know how we got there, or I got there. The powerful words he said to me at lunch brought on a side of me I never knew I had. It was this crazy passion that took over, wanting to get as close to him as possible. I have never acted in such a way. Jase has sent me several messages since I left, but I haven’ responded yet. I need to just remain calm and to keep my emotions in check.

Tomorrow is dinner at his house, so I have to get my feelings under control because being like that again can’t happen. I mean, I want it to. It’s just not the right time. It still brings up dreaded memories. I’m just not ready. I guess I will know when the time is right. I hope he can wait for me. I know he said he will. I just want to see him prove it. Maybe everything will work itself out once I get out of here and I can breathe a breath of fresh air.

I am nervous to see Jase at school. I know he is going to be mad at me for not returning his messages. I know I should have, but I just needed some time to think about it. I also know once I see him and his eyes fixate on me I will be thrown back into my Jase trance and not care about anything that is going on around me. I just need to use my brain.

I am forced to slam on my brakes as a dog darts across the street. It rattles me to the core. I have so much going through my brain I can’t even focus on driving. Shit. As soon as I see the dog running freely on the sidewalk I break free of my thoughts and try to make it to school without almost killing anybody or anything else. My hands are clammy, so I wipe them on my jeans to try and make this go away. I have a feeling that this sweating isn’t from the dog. It’s anticipating seeing Jase. The dog just added to my mounting tension. When I am certain my head is clear I start driving again. I take it a little slower this time, trying to drag my drive out a little longer, nervous of Jase’s reaction from yesterday.

Pulling up to Jase is not as nerve wracking as I thought it was going to be. I just need to say sorry for my reaction and hope he understands why I did what I did. I look over at him, but don’t get the reaction I’m hoping for. He doesn’t look mad, but not happy to see me either. He just looks blah. I didn’t really think of the way he would take things when I left the way I did. Damn, why don’t I ever think things through? Now instead of felling like shit, I feel like I am never going to get this right. I’m always going to mess up no matter how hard I try. How long is he going to keep letting my piss poor attitude go until he gives up. Now I have to figure out how the hell to get things back to normal.

I decide on just apologizing until I am blue in the face. This better work. I hop out of my car and over to his window. I give him a look that says, “Get out of the car now.” I step back for him to open the door. The second he gets out of his car all the air is sucked out of my lungs. It’s hard to breathe when he pins me with his eyes. The look is intense, like he is looking deeply at me figuring out what I might say, or do. I think he doesn’t want to say or have me do something he thinks I might regret again. Truth is, I don’t regret it. Maybe just a little embarrassed and thrown off, but not regretful.

Jase opens his mouth to say something, but I quickly cut him off. “Look, Jase, I’m so sorry about yesterday. Not sorry about what happened, but about the way I handled things. I shouldn’t have just run off, but you don’t know what was running through my head. I felt out of control. Sometimes when I am around you I… I feel like I have lost the last bit of control I have left. I can’t control my feelings, my words, or my heart. I panicked. That doesn’t mean I don’t care because I do. It was just a lot. I really hope you understand.” When I’m done saying all of this, his face has settled and I’m starting to see the Jase I know and love again. He reaches out for my hand and I immediately take it. He pulls me into a hug and wraps his arms tight around me, making me feel at ease again. He pulls his head back and looks down at me.

“I get it. I got it then too. You don’t need to explain to me what was going through your head. I just wanted to get to you before your demons did, but I didn’t. Please just next time don’t run like that. Let me try and calm you down. But I do get it, Maddie. You might not want to hear this and I don’t expect you to say anything back, but um… I love you. I just need you to know this before you go running off on me again. I can’t do this shit without you. Just please, don’t run. I’m trying to make it better. Are we good now? I really want you to come to dinner tomorrow night.”

He leans down and gives me a peck on the cheek, probably being cautious about how things are running through my head after dropping a bomb like that. Scared to acknowledge the L word, I just bury that for another time because it’s too much to think about now. It makes me laugh a little from the unease, but I just play it off like it’s no big deal even though it’s a huge deal.

“Did I say something funny?” he asks looking confused.

“Okay, really? That’s the kiss I get? I mean really? We have been kissing hard for weeks now, and that’s all I get now? Just go back to being normal with me and all will be forgotten,” I say hoping to have dodged this bullet for now. I make kissy lips at him begging him to kiss me again. Maybe this time putting a little more effort into it. I’m sure I look ridiculous standing in the lot with huge duck lips, but I don’t really care.

“Alright get over here.”

I lift up on the tips of my toes and kiss the loving shit out of him, happy this is just another obstacle we have jumped over with little effort, but not forgetting what he has said. He has just said what I have been thinking and I truly can now believe my own thoughts now because it isn’t just me who feels this way. I am just not strong enough to say it back.

“Let’s get to class okay? You ready?”

I nod and grab my stuff out of my car. All I can think about is what he just said to me. I know this is going to be a day of lost concentration.

Walking out of school is the best thing that has happened as of yet today. I swear everyone was looking at me like they all knew what happened yesterday. It was weird. I felt paranoid as I was walking around anticipating a confrontation. In the end nothing happened. I am just glad this day is over and I am one day closer to dinner at Jase’s house. I still have to get through one more day of school without any hiccups. I pray everything works out. I want to make sure everything Frank could possibly need done before tomorrow is done, so I want to rush home to get everything out of the way.

I’m still a little disappointed that I never made it to get my new tattoo. It was something I really wanted to have as a symbol of my growth and my new self. I have this deep urge to get it. I might. I just have to see what the asshole needs me to do and maybe I can squeeze it in.

I wait for Jase to meet me in the front of the school like always, but he is late. He has never been this late. I’m running short on time to keep waiting. I don’t know if I should go look for him or if I should just leave. I pull out my phone and shoot him a text.

Me: Where are you? I have to leave soon.

I wait for a response. When a couple of minutes pass and I don’t hear back from him I take off toward the gym where I know he has weightlifting for his last class. When I round the building to the door, Jase comes bashing through the door. The rage I see when he comes out keeps me frozen in my place. He notices me instantly and tries to slow down and bring his anger down. I don’t know what happened, but every inch of me gets nervous. When he walks slowly toward me I notice his eye is swollen and is starting to turn a deep shade of purple. Concern washes over me. I run to him and inspect his eye. “What happened?” I look at it wincing at the pain he must be in.

“Oh, a weight fell on me when I was lifting. No big deal.”

I know he is lying to me. There was a reason he was so full of anger when he blasted through the gym door. “I’m not buying it. I saw you when you were walking out of the door. You were angry. Want to try again and tell me the truth this time?” I glare at him holding my ground. I will not accept him lying to me. I cross my arms in an attempt to look mean and force the truth out of him. I will only give him one more chance to tell me what really happened. My whole life has been full of lies and deceit that I won’t even for a second deal with him lying to me. I will walk out the door.