Here at Last (21 page)

“I’m sorry I brought this up
,
”
I told him.

He shook his head and laughed a little,
a few
warm tears making their way down his face. “No,” he
said
, wiping
them away
, “
you know
it still haunts me. I
felt like
a real failure.
” He looked me in the eyes and said,
“
My greatest fear is that you’ll leave me
, too
.
” He stopped short before getting more emotional.

I shook my head. “JT, I’m not going anywhere.
How could I walk away from my best friend?
”

He
couldn’t say anything
.

“Look –
I
realize
that you haven’t been able to let it go
, but I’m not Lucinda. For the record,” I said, reaching up to touch his face, “I’m madly in love with you. Y
ou
’re
a
beautiful
man
, inside and out
. You’re a
smart,
generous, thoughtful person
. And
y
ou’re an incredible lover.” I leaned my for
ehea
d against his and closed my eyes. “You’ve loved me in so many ways
, and
you’ve made me
so
happy
.”

He squeezed my hand and couldn’t say anything.

“
When you asked me what was on my mind,
I was thinking about everything you’ve done for me – all
of
the ways that you’ve loved me since we met. I didn’t know it at the beginning, but it’s clear
to me
now. I’m sorry that you were hurt before, but you
need
to know that I love you very much
,
and I’ll do everything I can to protect you.”

Wrapping his arms around me,
JT
reached nestled his face into my neck and
sigh
ed deeply
. “Thank you.”

I wrapped my arms around him, and we spent the rest of Christmas evening holding one another as an old ghost from his past quietly floated away.





Over t
he next several days
,
we saw the city and enjoyed
some quiet time at home. Ever since we had talked about Lucinda on Christmas night, something in JT had shifted. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seemed secure in our relationship before.
Yet
, I
’d sensed
that
there was a part of him that was so afraid of losing someone
dear
that he
’d always
felt
that he
had to try harder. After
we talked at
Christmas, he seemed to relax
and let go
in a way
that
I
’d never
known
.
It was as evident when we sat quietly together as it was in our lovemaking.
Finally comfortable in the fact that I loved him and that I would stand by him, there was a peace that settled over him. In essence,
he had come to fully trust in us.

On New Year’s Eve,
JT
and I
celebrate
d
at the Crystal Gardens at Navy Pie
r.
Crystal Gardens provided views of the entire Chicago skyline and had one of the best fireworks displays in the nation. As partial as
I was to New York, I had to admit that Chicago knew how to throw a New Year’s Eve party, and its fireworks were terrific.

At midnight, w
e
toasted with our
glass
es
of champagne
. “To a brand new
year together,” JT said.

“
To another year,” I smiled, plac
ing my glass on a nearby table and turning to kiss him.
We kissed for a long moment
, and
my body responded with
a familiar warmth
. I felt flushed, and
I
settled my face into his neck
as
he wrapped his arms around me.

“Let’s go home,” he suggested, and I nodded.

W
e fetched our coats from the coat check woman and walked out to the car arm in arm.

When we arrived at my
apartment
,
we helped remove
one another’s
coats before hanging
them in the closet. Then, w
e walked into the living room
and
stopped beneath the mistletoe
.

I kissed his cheek and his neck. “I love you so much.”

Cradling the back of my head with one hand and
slid
ing
his other
hand
across my lower back, JT kissed me
.
I loved the way he kissed me, and he knew it. I reached up to
the top of
his shirt and unbuttoned a few buttons,
slipping my hand inside and
running
it
over his chest. My breathing became heavier, and I
slid my hand
down
and felt him respond. An overwhelming wave
of desperation and desire
flooded my senses, and I couldn’t get enough of him.

H
e
quietly
asked,
“
Shall we go into the bedroom
?”

With the slightest
hint
of a smile on my lips,
I nodded
, and we walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind us. After removing our clothes and climbing into bed, we reached for one another
and kissed
.
Wanting him
closer
,
I positioned myself over him until he was inside
me
, and he
held my hips against his and
thrust up into me
.
I didn’t understand how he could be inside
of
me
,
and it still wasn’t enough.

“I
want all of you,” I
whimpered
.

He rolled me onto my back and reentered me, holding his body as close to mine as
he could while still moving inside of
me. With my hands at his hips, I
pulled him closer with each thrust. Finally,
when
I couldn’t stand it anymore and cried out
,
and JT came right after I did. I pulled him down on top of me and held him against me, afraid to let him go.

When he finally rolled off of me, we looked
into
one another for a long moment.

JT
reached up to touch my face
and
said quietly,
“You’ll a
lways have all of me
, Sophia. I belong to you now.”





The next morning
, we
discussed
the past year and the one that lay ahead. Deeply in love, we were both grateful for how much our relationship had added to our lives, and we looked forward to
being together in the new year
.
W
hen it was time for
JT
to leave,
our
separation was one of the most painful
we
ha
d experienced
. We had grown so
familiar with one another and so
accustomed to being
together
that we didn't want to let go. I made plans to go to San Diego
in February
so
that
we could
spend our second
Valentine’s Day together.





On February 12
th
,
I
took an early flight to San Diego and arrived
in the
afternoon
. We
drove
straight to
JT’s
apartment
and made
love
. Afterward
, we
lay
on our sides
facing
each
another while we fed one another
tiny champagne grapes
. I’d hardly eaten all day and was starved.

“Come on,” he finally said. “Let’s get dressed and go out.”

He drove us to Mission Beach where we ate at
the Mission Restaurant
.
Afterward, w
e
put on our jackets and
walked on the beach
holding hands
.
As the sun began to set, he stood behind me with his arms wrapped around
my waist
while we
looked out over the water
.

He rested his chin on my shoulder and softly asked,
“
Do
you want
to live in San Diego
, or
should I move to Chicago?”

JT knew that I was growing
increasingly
frustrated with the distance between us
. Although
it bothered him as well
, I hadn’t expected
the question
.

I turned around to face him
,
and his
look
was
serious
yet
tender
.
He
held my hands and
searched
my
eyes.
“Do you want to be together?”

I sensed
that
he was a little nervous
, and
I slid my
arms
around his
waist
and looked into him
. “Of course I want to be togethe
r.
”

He wrapped his arm
s
around
me
. “Okay.”

I laughed
and
look
ed
at him
. “Okay?”

He broke into a big smile and nodded. “Okay.” Then, he
pulled me closer
. “I love you,
Sophia
.”

Resting my head against his chest,
I
closed my eyes and
held him tightly. “I love you, too, JT.”

Later that evening, after we made love in his apartment, he told me that he’d already begun looking for jobs in Chicago
in case we decided that’s where we wanted to be.  He had come to realize
over the past year
that he wanted me
more than anything else
in the world
and
was prioritizing his life accordingly
.

I was so happy that I never saw it coming.
Two
days
after I
returned home to Chicago, JT Knight was killed when a drunk driver swerved into his lane and hit him head on.
Apparently, h
e
’d just reached down for his cell phone
to answer a call from me
and
never saw it coming,
either.

Chapter 2
1

In May
,
I showed up at the bereavement group only because
Neelie
and Rhonda had ganged up on me and wouldn’t stop
nagging me about it
.
I appreciated their concern. After JT died, e
ach of them had come out for a few days
to
be with me.
Neelie
had attended JT's funeral with me
at
Chicago
’s Grace Episcopal Church
, and Rhonda had stayed with me the following week. However, both of them ha
d
their own
lives to
return
to
, and I knew that, e
ventually, I would need to come to grips with this
on my own
.

Nonetheless, t
hey were concerned
about me
not
because I couldn’t stop crying but
because I hadn’t cried at all.
Not a drop.
I’d taken a few weeks off from work,
and
life
seemed to
move in slow motion
. Even three months after JT’s death,
I felt like I was still in shock.
I realized that I would
need to return to the world of the living at some point
but didn’t know how to get there
.