Here at Last (23 page)

“No, it's okay. I'm fine. I guess I just needed to get
it
out of my system."

“Where are you now?”
she asked.

“I ran into a friend,” I told her
, my voice raspy
.
“
We were just catching up.”

“Why don't I believe that's the whole story?"

“You know me too well,”
I smiled
a little
.
“
I'm okay. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

“Call me later?"

“I will. I promise."
After we hung up, I slid my phone back into my purse.

Nicholas
was looking at me. “Would you like
some
dinner?"

I shook my head. "
Thanks but I'm really not hungry.
"

He
put his
computer
down on the coffee table
. “Have you eaten today?”

I
closed my eyes for a moment, thinking
. “No.”

His brows furrowed. "Did you eat yesterday?"

I shrugged. "I must have."

"Okay
,” he
gently
asserted
.
“
You're staying for dinner. Then, I'll take you back to your car."

I didn't have the energy to argue
, and w
e walked into the kitchen.

“I hope you like vegan eggplant parmesan.”

“Are you vegan
?
I know you made veggie burgers last time, but I never asked."

“More or less. I'm lactose intolerant, and Hannah won't eat anything that had eyes. Between the two of us, I cook vegan." He looked at me while setting the table. "You?"

I nodded. "I made the switch
after working in San Diego
." That seemed so long ago.

Nicholas
motioned for me to sit down, and I sat in the same seat that I had
a year-and-a-half
before. He filled our water glasses and put them in front of us followed by what was some of the most delicious eggplant parmesan I
’d
ever had. I had to hand it to him
– he
was a great cook.

“This is
incredible
," I told him.

“Thanks.
I
used
some
grated
truffles."

“
I thought
there was something different about it
.”

“I never use those when I cook for Hannah.  She hates them.”
As h
e cut his food and took a bite
,
I noticed
that he shook his head
a little
and smiled to himself
.

"What
is it
?" I asked.

Looking up at me, h
e chewed and swallowed before answering.
"
Sorry.
It's been a while since we
’ve seen
one another.
” He
wiped his mouth with a napkin
.
“
I remembered."

“What?"

He
hesitantly
put down his fork and looked
over
at me
, his expression serious
. “I remembered you.”

I was surprised.
“When?”

“Three months ago
.”

Three months ago was when JT died.
"What did you remember?"
I asked but almost didn't want to know.

He shook his head. "It's not the right time."
He reached out and put his hand on mine for a moment. “I'll tell you another time. I promise."
He took his hand away and began eating again.

I nodded, not sure what to make of any of this. Once I had committed to being in a relationship with J
T
, I had let go of any thought
s
of
Nicholas
.
It’s n
ot that I didn't wish hi
m well
, but
he was wrapped up in his own life and had no room for me.
Now, I had no interest in anyone but JT, and I didn't know if I ever would again.

Nicholas
drove me
back to the
community center
after dinner. It was the first full meal I'd had in months,
and
I felt drowsy
and
a little less like
an emotional wreck
. He walked me to my car
and watched me get in. “
Sophia
,” he said. “If you need anything….”

I nodded.
“Thank
s
for everything
, Nicholas
. I really appreciate it
.
"

After
I
drove
home
and
settled back into my apartment
,
I called
Neelie
, who
wanted to know everything. Not wanting to violate any rules of confidentiality, I didn't tell her that I had seen
Nicholas
at the bereavement group.
However,
I did tell her that I'd run into him in town and that he’d insisted that I
have
dinner
with him
.

“Thank God,” she said under her breath. “You need to get out and see people.”

“
Neelie
," I said, "it's only been three months.”

"I know,
I know. I didn't say you need
to
date
people. You just need to get out more.
And I don’t mean work.
Nobody ever said this is going to be easy. But, at some point, you’ll need to buck up and move on.”

I bristled at her remark, but I knew that she was right about one thing. I needed to
lift my chin off the floor and begin thinking about
what lay
ahead
.

Chapter
2
2

I didn't
call
Nicholas
or return to the bereavement group, but
I did return to work.
Immersing myself in science was pure salvation for me. The numbers and
theories
and
sheer
vastness of
physics concepts
helped me to finally rise above the grief that I felt in my own little world.

At first, I focused on almost nothing but work. I spent nearly all of my waking hours
developing new curricula for training in astrophysics, writing papers for peer
-
reviewed journals, and reading
the latest research
in physics, especially quantum mechanics
. It was exhilarating.
Through sheer will and absolute
distraction,
I felt like I was finally starting to come back to life
.
However, i
t wasn’t long before m
y friends and coworkers
began encouraging
me to slow down a little bit, and I took their advice. I cut
back from working
about
a hundred
hours a week to
sixty
or
seventy
. Some evenings, I even began going out with coworkers
again
.

The only thing
that
I could
n’t
do was go back to that tapas bar where I had first seen JT
in Chicago
. I
had
tried
going
there once, but it
had
only
brought back memories of when
JT
had returned to my life and I'd invited him to the Christmas party.
I’d had to leave right away, and it sent me into a depression for days.





Knowing that some significant firsts were coming
up –
JT’s 45
th
birthday on
November 1
st
, Thanksgiving
, and Christmas
–
I joined a
new
meditation group that met on Wednesday evenings
in my apartment building
. I wanted to arm myself with every last shred of bliss that I could muster to get through
his birthday and
the holidays.

Kara and Stephen taught the class, and
I quickly discovered that
it was packed each week. I tried to get there around 5:30 for the 6 p.m. class.
Then, I’d stay for the yoga class afterward.  I wished that they taught the classes in the other order
since
I was usually ready to go to sleep after meditation, but it helped to deepen my yoga practice.
B
oth helped me immensely to find some peace after losing JT.

JT’s
birthday came to mind
several times
each
day
in the weeks leading up to
it
. I’d
sent a card to his parents in his memory
and had left a message for
Denise
on her cell phone but never heard back
from them
.
When his birthday came
on a Thursday,
I
was able to remain pretty peaceful throughout the day
.
I
took flowers to his grave in the morning and
had planned to carve
some time out that night to light some candles and try the meditation that we had done in class the previous evening.

My friend Lily from work, who had replaced Margaret
several months
before
, knew
that
it was
JT's birthday and that I would
spend the evening
alone. Just as I was lighting the candles, I received a text from her.
Just checking in. Are you okay?

I smiled. It was good to have people in my life
who
care
d
enough to check in every now and again. I just hope
d
that I
was
as good a friend to
them
as they had been to me following JT's death.

I
replied,
I'm okay. Just having a quiet evening at home.

I went back to lighting the candles and set my cell phone
down
on the table behind me. I laid out a yoga mat and sat
on it
with
my legs crossed and began to breathe
deeply
.
My phone
chirped
, and I opened my eyes and
reached behind me to pick it up and turn off the volume. 

It was from Nicholas.
You’ve been on my mind
a lot today
.
A
re you okay?

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm okay.
I set down my phone and closed my eyes.

Can I come by?

When?

Now.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes
again
. What did I need in that moment? How would it feel if
Nicholas
came by? Would I rather be alone? I'd spent a lot of time alone
lately and decided that his company would be fine
.

Sure.

Where?

That’s right
–
I'd been to his townhouse twice, but he'd never been to my apartment. I texted the address to him, and he said
that
he was already out and that he would
arrive shortly
. I tho
ught of blowing out the candles
but
decided to keep them lit
.
What did I have to hide?

Ten
minutes later, the buzzer
sounded
, and
I buzzed
Nicholas
up.
Not long after
ward
,
there was
a knock
on
the door.

"Hi," I said, opening the door.