Here for You (28 page)

“I’m taking Larry’s jet back to California. It’s leaving in an hour, so I need to get going.”

“Ash. You don’t need to run away. We’ll hang out today, and we can go out tonight and get drunk.”

I shake my head. “I need to get out of here. I don’t want to see him, and I can’t even stand knowing I’m in the same hotel as him. Hell, I can’t stand to be in the same city right now. I need space.” Obviously I’ve lost all ability to control my emotions because the tears start flowing again just talking about him. “Shit,” I whisper to myself. I don’t know how I’m going to function, which makes the sale of my company even more critical at this point. I hate what Cam has done to me. But at least I wasn’t wrong to assume he would hurt me like every other man in my life. “Can you do that for me, Q?”

She nods. “Of course. I’ll do anything for you.”

“Johnny, please go with her. I don’t trust her alone with him.”

Quinn opens her mouth to object, but Johnny places his hand on her lower back and starts leading her to the door. “We’ll be right back.”

“I’m going to take a quick shower.”

I walk in the bathroom as soon as I hear the hotel room door close. I turn on the water and strip all my clothes off. As soon as I see the steam filling up the shower, I open the door and step in. I want to wash off every last trace of Cam. The hot tears run down my face as I scrub every inch of my body.

“Wills. Open up!”

“Shit.” I knew Ashley wouldn’t come see me, and apparently Johnny is back to give me a second verbal assault. Earlier he threw out every curse known. I actually thought he was going to hit me, and I wish he had. I deserve the pain. I’m not going to pretend like what I did was right, but I didn’t know what else to do. Ash knows this, but I’m intelligent enough to know that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I hate myself for not being strong enough to walk away from Ashley the night she walked back into my life. I had no right to take so much from her when I knew I might hurt her in the end.

Anger nearly boiling over, I whip the door open. “Listen, Johnny. I understand you’re pissed. I hate myself more than you do, but what the fuck do you want from me?” When I see Quinn step to the side behind Johnny my voice shuts down. I simply stare at her with eyes wide. I want to tell her how sorry I am. How much I want to see Ash and talk to her. Touch her. Taste her. God, what if I never feel her in my arms again?

When Johnny nods his head, I take a few steps back into the room. Quinn follows him in and when I start to move toward her, Johnny shoves his forearm against my chest. He pushes me back against the wall. “Don’t even think of talking to her,” Johnny growls at me.

If I didn’t hate myself so much, I would shove him away. I’m looking for a fight and that is what scares me. Johnny is the last person I want to take my fury out on and I’m praying that I maintain enough control of my fists. Not only to save my pitching hand, but I don’t want to hit my best friend in the face over what
I
did.

“Where’s her stuff?” Quinn’s question is clipped, and there’s not an ounce of kindness in her voice.

“All her stuff is in the bedroom.”

“Where is her workbag?”

I nod my head toward the desk on the far side of the room. Quinn walks over and picks it up. She swipes the purse off the table on her way back and hands both to Johnny. “What are you doing?”

When she turns to look at me, I physically shrink back at the intense hate in her eyes. “What the hell do you think?”

“Quinn.” I move to step forward, and Johnny shoves me back against the wall again. My anger instantly turns to him, and I don’t even notice Quinn go in the bedroom as I stare Johnny down.

“Are you kidding me?”

Johnny turns to Quinn’s voice.
Shit
. Crystal is in there and I don’t trust either woman. Although I don’t think Crystal is even awake or capable of standing up to Quinn right now, I know neither one would hold back. “Quinn. I’ll help you.”

I see her head come around the doorframe. “Do you think I’m going to let you touch anything of hers?”

“Quinn.” The plea in my voice makes Johnny turn back to me.

“Dude, not now. Let them both cool down.”

I sink to the ground and drop my head into my hands. Less than five minutes later I hear Quinn pulling the suitcase behind her. “If I missed anything, give it to Johnny.”

I move to get up from the floor, but Johnny’s stare keeps me in place. “I know you both hate me but please tell her I’m so sorry.” My voice hitches, but I don’t even care anymore. “I’m so fucking sorry.” The whisper can barely be heard over my own breathing. I don’t have the balls to look up and see the hate on Quinn’s face so I simply wait for the sound of the door closing.

“Baby?”

The sound of her voice literally makes me want to throw up. I don’t think I’m going to survive this time. I’m sure it’s not possible, especially with my angel gone from my life.

“Baby?” Her voice is louder now and more insistent.

“What do you want, Crystal?”

“Could you get me some water and a coffee? A coffee would be so good.”

Is this for real? She knows I just lost the woman I want more than life itself, and she expects me to start waiting on her? Against my better judgment, I get up from my spot on the floor and pour a cup from the carafe I ordered a few hours ago. There was no way I was going to sleep after Ashley walked out. I grab a water bottle out of the mini fridge and take both things in to the bedroom. I set them on the table next to her so there is no chance our hands accidentally touch. I will lose it if they do.

“Thanks, doll.”

I don’t even acknowledge the comment and turn to head back out into the front room.

“Wills? Is this how you’re going to be?”

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. I count all the way to ten before I turn around. “Crystal.” I grit her name out through clenched teeth. “I just lost a very important person in my life. Please give me a break today.”

Somehow she actually knows not to fight me on this comment and keeps her mouth shut even though she crosses her arms over her chest and pouts. As I continue to stare at her, it becomes more and more apparent to me that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I thought not being there to pick my brother up would never be topped, but I honestly think I did it just a few hours ago. I want to wipe that pout off her face but I’m trying to do the right thing here.

“Crystal, I just want you to know I think about losing our baby every day. You aren’t the only one that’s suffering. I know I wasn’t there for you the day you miscarried. But I was on the road, and I would have been at your side if I’d been home or if you’d been on the road with me. It’s not like I didn’t want to be there with you.

“I lost Jacob only a few days after that, so it’s been extremely difficult to deal with all that pain. I know you said you went to Anderson because you were hurting. But you need to understand I have encountered so much grief in the last few months, and I
need
someone who is going to be there for me at all times. I’m trying to be here for you, but I also just sacrificed the one good thing that has happened in my life since this whole nightmare started.”

“I’m sorry, JC,” she whispers. “I just wanted you to be there for me when it all happened, and then your brother getting killed was too much. You were hurting and I didn’t know how to help you. I know it was selfish of me to leave and run into the arms of another man. I really am sorry. I know you cared about her, but we share a grief that can’t be ignored.”

Rather than dealing with everything right now I simply nod and continue into the front room. I walk over to the windows and glance up at the gray sky. The weather is appropriate for my mood today and causes me to fall faster to the darkness this time. I need to focus on anything else that will prevent me from slipping too far.

I try to focus on the movement in the street below. The leaves are fluttering against the strong gusts. It’s going to be a crisp and breezy day at the park, which probably isn’t great for our guys. Although I’m not sure if I even care anymore whether or not we win the game. I drag my eyes to the people walking up and down the sidewalk. I want to get lost in the sea of people and pretend like none of the bad shit has happened.

The regret I feel that I wasn’t able to be there with her when the doctor told Crystal she was miscarrying is overwhelming. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel guilt for not being there to hold her while she cried. We were not in the best place in our relationship when she found out she was pregnant, but the moment I saw the little black and white photo, I felt like it replaced all the bad. I wasn’t with her on her first appointment but I loved that tiny little dot instantly. When that excitement was cruelly taken away and knowing the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with had to endure that pain and suffering alone while I played a game tears my heart in half.

I never told Ash about the miscarriage. I’m a coward. I was scared to tell her because it was one more thing Crystal had to pull me back. I never thought she would come back so I felt safe holding it in. Ash was filling a void I had had for so many years—probably most of my life—and I wanted her to stay. I didn’t want to push any more of my pain and grief on her. The only thing that could make me take Crystal back was that open wound. When she said we owed it to Jacob and our baby, I couldn’t find a way to deny it in my head.

Whether or not Ash can even understand that doesn’t matter because I didn’t give her the opportunity to know about it all. What I’ve done to her is cruel. She did nothing but support me unconditionally, and I let her down for my own selfish reasons. Because I needed her and I was too scared she would leave, I hid my pain of that loss and the vulnerable position it put me in. I feel like I need to make everything right. Even though I may not survive without Ash in my life, I’ve convinced myself that I need to be there for Crystal now. I just need to help her get to a better place so we can both move on separately.

I have to get out of this room, but I don’t want to have to talk to a single person. I throw on a hooded sweatshirt and pull my hat low over my eyes. I walk out as I hear Crystal yelling behind me. When the door closes, I’m greeted with a silent hallway. I begin to breathe easier.

I grab a coffee from the restaurant on the lobby level and head to the revolving door. Nothing is going to take my mind off Ashley, but at least walking around the city alone sounds better than being in my room with Crystal or being with the team right now. When I look up, I see the four of them in front of me, and I dart to the right. I stand at the windows as they exit the hotel. I shove my free hand in my pocket to avoid the ache I feel wanting to touch her. I didn’t expect her to stay today, but to see how fast she’s leaving makes it hurt that much more.

Fonz is following closely behind the other three and carrying all of her stuff. Johnny has his arm around Ashley, and it looks like she’s struggling to even walk. Quinn is holding her hand and leaning close to her ear. I imagine she’s telling her over and over to forget about me, the undeserving asshole. Fonz walks up to the cab and helps the driver put her stuff in the trunk.

He hands the guy some bills. I hate that I’m not the one taking care of her, but at least my boys step up in my place. Well, they used to be my boys, but I can’t imagine anyone having my back in the future. These guys have fallen for Ashley as much as I have over the last few weeks. Fonz thinks the world of her, and Johnny is in love with her best friend.

Quinn wraps her arms around Ashley and holds her there for at least a minute. All I can do is watch them. I force the emotions to stay down. I want to go to her, but she doesn’t deserve the pain of seeing my face. Quinn finally backs up, and Fonz leans in to give her a quick hug. When she turns to reach up and hug Johnny, I see her face. She’s wearing large sunglasses so I can’t see her eyes, but even from here I can see her cheeks are wet with tears.

The sight hits me harder than a bat to the stomach. It takes all my strength to remain upright. Knowing I have done this to her is too much for me. I knew I was selfish to take all I could get from her. Even when she assured me she wanted to be here for me. She wanted to help me through my own personal hell. It was wrong of me to accept, and now I will pay for it as long as I live. I will never forgive myself for doing this to her.

When she steps back from Johnny’s embrace, her head stays faced in my direction. For a second, I wonder if she can see me through the windows but then she suddenly turns to get in the cab. Fonz waits until she’s in and closes the door behind her. They stand there together waiting for the cab to pull away from the curb. I watch from my spot. As soon as the cab is no longer visible, they turn as a unified group and head back into the hotel.

I have never felt so alone in all my life. I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to my room, the city is going to seem lonely with no one I know around me, and I can’t go sit with any of the guys. I turn and watch the three of them make their way across the lobby toward the bank of elevators. Johnny turns my direction, and I realize too late that he sees me.

I take long strides to quickly make it through the front doors and turn to the right walking briskly. The cold wind hits me in the face, and I tuck my hand in tighter in my pocket. I reach the corner when I hear Johnny’s voice behind me. I’m pissed he didn’t just let me go.

“Wills?”

I don’t have the strength to do this and I don’t know why he can’t understand that. “What?”

“Come back to the hotel.”

“I just want to be alone.”

“I know you do, man. Fonz is up in our room hanging out with Quinn. Just try to get a few hours of sleep in his room. I know you don’t want to do it, but you still have to lead the team today.”