Heroine: California Dreamin' (28 page)

In the depot bank I presented the power of attorney paper and Robert’s passport. I had not expected that I needed the secret number so soon again. Hastily I cleared half of the gold bars into my pink purse. It made it so heavy that I could hardly lift it.

On my way to San Francisco I was delayed by a traffic jam so when I drove up to the bank it had already been closed. Therefore Kate would have to spend another weekend in the slammer. I called her there and told her that I would be getting the money for her bail on Monday.

Daniel was already at home when I drove up the driveway. It was Friday, then he would come home earlier. After that he would normally go out with friends in the afternoon. The same today. He would be gone until the early morning hours and I would be alone. We had a fight when I explained to him that I would not stay in the house by myself under any circumstances. It was our second fight in our relationship. He left the house angry and with his sports bag. I fled into my car. 

For a while I sat in the car not knowing what came next. Then I thought of something. Bruce was still waiting for a phone call from me. I would ask him to spend the night with me. He only lived a few miles from here. So far I had never been in his apartment. Bruce was the only person who could tolerate me in my current psychological stage. Pete was only concerned about fucking. Well, I wanted that too but I also wanted to talk, to rid of the pressure that sat on my heart. That was not possible with Pete. Bruce didn’t pick up when I called. This time I left a message.

“Bruce, this is Julie. Please call me as soon as possible. Daniel and I had a fight and I need a place to crash for the night. Please help me.” Hastily I ran back to the house, gathered my stuff and left a note for Daniel that he would find me at Bruce’s place. It took me a while until I found his apartment. It was in a side street in a two-storied wooden building directly beside the highway. The noise was deafening. This night I would probably find no sleep even if Bruce had fallen asleep. I didn’t care. The thought that I could see him soon all naked before me touching his body made me moist all over. The excitement pushed all fears away and also the embarrassment and sadness that I had felt due to Irene’s disappointment.

It started getting dark but Bruce had still not contacted me. I had waited in the car for many hours. Frustrated I decided to look for a hotel if Bruce wouldn’t get in touch with me by sunset. Shortly before I got started, a car that seemed familiar to me turned into the street. Bruce got out of the vehicle. He looked tired. Without giving it any other thoughts I jumped onto the sidewalk and flung my arms around his neck. First he was quite shocked but then he recognized me and squeezed me tight where he gently leaned his head onto my neck. Warm liquid ran down my shoulders. He cried!

“All day long I tried in vain to do my job and I thought that I could only get through this evening with a bottle of gin. And then there appears an angel directly before my house!” he said with a husky voice when we stood in front of one another. We held our hands like two little children and looked one another into the eyes. My belly was filled with butterflies and I felt like I had freshly fallen in love. My feelings for Bruce had grown even deeper during the many weeks when we hadn’t seen each other at all.

“What happened?” he asked after a while. “Did Daniel leave you?” Something flashed in his eyes. I shook my head.

“No, it isn’t that bad. We only had a fight and I took a hike for this night. Didn’t you get my message?” He declined.

“My phone has been turned off for a few days now. I couldn’t pay the bill. Does that mean now that you want to move in with me?” I couldn’t really read his facial expression. I laid my arms around his neck and looked at him with my head tilted sideways.

“Only for one night. Please. I don’t know where to go.” He gave me a broad grin.

“Okay, because it’s you, I love to have you. But let me warn you. Not that you flee from my apartment screaming. I haven’t cleaned up.”

I assured him that I wouldn’t care about that and thus I heaved the heavy hand bag and my shoulder bag behind him up the stairs. It was good that he had warned me. Chaos was an understatement. The little apartment featured a narrow kitchen, a still smaller bathroom and a living room plus bedroom – everywhere pure chaos. I wanted to go to bed with my friend and talk with him. But all of this called for a cleanup first.

“I was afraid of that”, he answered embarrassed. He helped me to first clean the dishes, then he cleaned the kitchen table from all his paperwork and I cleaned the floor while he polished the bathroom. From a small sideboard in the bedroom I took some fresh bedding. When I changed the linen I found unmistaken traces on the cover. A woman had been lying here not too long ago. Jealousy overcame me so fast that I had no time to suppress it.  Perhaps I didn’t even mean to.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I called out to him. The noise from the street swallowed my question. Therefore I removed the linen and held it into his face. It again was always fascinating to see how he changed color underneath his dark skin. This time he was obviously embarrassed.

“No, no girlfriend”, he defended himself in a hurry. “That was only a one-night stand last week. She was drunk, I was drunk and thus we landed in bed. Only the next morning I noticed what I had brought home and then I send her off. Just about the same type as my former wife. I don’t need the same thing a second time.” It was none of my business who he had sex with – it dawned on me now. But I liked how he was apologetic to me. I found some toast and ham in the fridge and prepared a little meal from it. He was glad that I didn’t want to go out with him to dinner.

“No, I will only be mad with you if you don’t soap up my back later. Is that still the spy story with the computer chips?” He choked and coughed.

“Do you really want with me …? I mean in the shower like in old times?” he stuttered. His eyes had grown big.

“Yes of course. Or is that inconvenient for you?” I asked him dumbfounded. He shook his head vehemently.

“When you said that you only fled from Daniel for a night I thought that I needed to sleep on the floor. How do you know about the computer chips? That is kept secret!”

“Bruce, we have talked about the subject at least twice.” He hadn’t changed a bit. Confused and amiable as usual. I was touched that he would have slept on the floor and let me sleep in his bed.

“Oh you sweet little huggable bear. I heard myself say. Actually this term of endearment was reserved for Daniel. But that dude had abandoned me for this night because his friends were more important to him than I was. Bruce and I
had cuddled for a while on the fresh linen. Outside the vehicles zoomed by on the highway which rattled the thin glass windows. I snuggled tight to my lover.

“I need somebody I can talk to. Since we saw one another for the last time I had stumbled into a bad situation. Bruce, I must tell you about that, otherwise I explode or turn nuts.” I probably was nuts already but I still wanted to talk. He gently fondled my hair down my neck and I snuggled up to him even tighter.

“You can tell me everything. Is it because of Daniel? Has he beaten you?”

“No, Daniel has nothing to do with it. And he only knows a small part of the story. If he learns the entire story he will go bonkers and put himself into danger. I don’t want to risk that.” Bruce was silent and kept on caressing me.

“Do you promise me that you keep everything to yourself? I’ve done something for which I will serve time if it comes to light.”

“You can tell me everything. I will keep silent and stick with you. Regardless of what you have done,” he promised me. I turned to my side and snug up with him. I felt that I could trust Bruce unconditionally. Therefore I started. First I told him about Alan’s attack, then about Robert and how he had blackmailed me. When I described to him how Robert had raped me and torn apart my dress I felt how his member stiffened up against my behind. I was startled.
That
turned him on?

“Would you like to rape a woman once?” I turned towards him and looked him into his eyes. Flabbergasted he looked at me.

“Hell no, no. But what you just told me didn’t sound violent at all. They way you’ve described the whole thing to me was like you had seduced him by every trick in the book.” It was true. I hadn’t described Robert’s violent acts but rather his touches. Perhaps that made memories more tolerable for me?

The blackmailing and the pimp’s demands shocked Bruce. He squeezed me tight and petted my head. That felt good. When I brought up the scene that eventually triggered Robert’s death I felt Bruce trembling. He suffered with me and his body reactions reflected my emotions. Then I told him how I had killed that bastard. I had tremendous anxiety about telling him that but it bubbled just out of me. Bruce’s body shook and I heard a deep groan then he sobbed and cried. His tears ran down my back and I also cried until I fell asleep totally exhausted. A roaring and humming woke me up. A gigantic truck had just thundered by the apartment. It was just about eleven o’clock at night. Bruce was also awake.

“This damn’ noise. When I get my money from this contract I will look for another apartment at once.”

“This night the noise has got its advantages. Nobody can eavesdrop. The FBI picked up three bugs from our house only a few days ago.” He looked at me in horror.

“What else is there? Now you really scare me.”

“Do you want me to stop? Is that too much for you?”

“No, please, I want to hear the whole story. Right to the end. You need somebody now who holds you tight. I can feel it.” I kissed him. Then I continued to talk. It was four o’clock in the morning when I finished my story. Bruce cried when I cried. He laughed when I talked about crazy situations and he squeezed me when I told him about brutal scenes. He stood by me without ‘ifs and buts’. It felt so good but at the end I just fell asleep, all weary.

The ring tone of my cell let me wake up. Still sleepy I turned around and picked up the phone. It was Daniel.

“Are you awake? Or are you still busy?” his voice sounded off rage. “When do you come home?” Was he jealous?

“Bruce sleeps in the adjacent room, I am in bed alone”, I lied. I didn’t want him to grow even angrier. The first was a lie the second one was true because Bruce was in the bathroom.

“When you are at home I will come at once. I just couldn’t stand spending all night in the house all by myself.”

“Well, I do understand that”, my husband said very much to my surprise. “I am sorry that I was so selfish yesterday.” I was speechless. But it felt good that he was concerned about me. Later I asked Bruce to have breakfast with me at a restaurant. I would invite him to thank him for his hospitality.

We had only slept for four hours but I felt refreshed. My long confession had taken pressure and angst from me. Only the sadness about losing Irene oppressed my mood like a dark shadow. When we said good bye I asked Bruce again not to tell anybody about me murdering Robert.

“Murder?” he looked at me perplexed. “You acted in self-defense. No court in this country would indict you on murder charges in this case. To be honest if that bastard would still be alive I would go and get my gun and blow this guy away. I’ll keep my mouth shut and not say a word. However, I will keep my ears pricked and ask around a bit. The story with those girls reminds me of something I had been working on a while back. But at any rate I will keep
you
out of all of that.” Gratefully I gave him a big hug.

At ten o’clock I was back again with my husband. He looked dissatisfied.

“How did it go?” he asked brusquely after I had given him a kiss.

“Bruce and I only talked all night. There was nothing.”

“I
don’t believe you”, he replied. “Didn’t we agree that you tell me everything when you had sex with him? Why do you lie to me?” Embarrassed I lowered my head.

“I thought that you might become jealous. But I couldn’t help it. I was so much afraid when you were gone that I needed to find somebody. And we both can trust Bruce. Therefore I went to him.”

“Well, I understand that.” Daniel took me into his arms. “And jealous I am, that’s true.” The tone of his voice was quieter now, almost depressed.

“What do you hold against Bruce? Ingvar and Jan were allowed to
take me and you liked it. But with Bruce you are suspicious?”

“That’s up to you. With other men you only radiate eroticism. You are then seductive and you turn on the guys like crazy. With Bruce you change your approach. There is more caring involved. It is almost like you were freshly in love. Therefore I do not like it. I’m afraid of losing you when you are together with him. That is also the reason why I don’t want you to move to his apartment when I’m gone next week. Couldn’t you go to Ingvar?” I shook my head vehemently. That would be out of the question, totally.

“Let’s wait and see. We don’t have to come up with an answer until Tuesday. Until then I’ll do nothing I promise you that. I will not leave you. For that I love you too much. Bruce is just a toy for me like all the others.” I quickly hugged Daniel so he could not see in my face that I had lied to him. Bruce was everything else but a toy for me. But he was also no danger to my marriage. As long as Daniel would not leave me alone again with my fears.

As an apology so to speak he offered me later to go on a weekend trip. I decided to drive with him to Sonoma Valley. When I lifted my handbag into his off-road vehicle he laughed.

“Do you have gold bars in there or why is the bag so heavy? Or did I deplete your last energies with Bruce?” Deciding for the right answer was not difficult.