Heroine: California Dreamin' (30 page)

“I am so sorry that I haven’t paid much attention to you today”, he began in a friendly way. If he only knew how happy I was about that!

“Why don’t you stay a bit longer until all the other guests have left? I would like to talk with you.”

“Talk? Only talk or something more?” He laughed.

“First and foremost ‘only talk’. Then we’ll see. Tonight I am alone. Shane is not here. She’s already moved out.” He winked at me and continued to walk. That unsettled me. He acted different than usual. Much more relaxed and calmer.

Since I couldn’t find my two companions I went into the house to look for them. I asked one of Daniel’s colleagues if he had seen Mei Li. After all Kate should be with her. I looked flabbergasted when he told me that she had left the party already in the afternoon.

Something was wrong here a rumbling in my belly told me. Nobody was at the first floor therefore I climbed up the stairs. Shane’s room was empty. Ingvar’s room also. There were only the guestrooms left that were behind Ingvar’s room and that could be reached from another corridor. I was not wrong. From one of the rooms I heard distinct noises. It was clearly Kate who squealed there. From her tone of voice I knew she was short to have an orgasm.

When I opened the door quietly and looked through the gap I first didn’t trust my eyes. Daniel knelt on the bed his hands tied to his back with handcuffs. Before him knelt Kate. I was speechless. That was not how I had imagined the party. But it was actually my fault. I had given Kate ‘indirect’ permission to ‘borrow’ my husband as she put it because I didn’t contradict her. First I remained cool and continued to watch. They could only see me if they turned around. From the state of their ecstasy I could only conclude that they wouldn’t need much longer.

A bit of jealousy did come up in me. But the feeling was mixed with lust that the view of the two naked bodies triggered in me. I remembered when Daniel used to watch me in secret when I fucked Ingvar.

But then I had an idea. I retreated carefully and went downstairs. When Daniel busied himself with Kate I didn’t have to perform with Ingvar any longer. I was redeemed. In the kitchen I poured myself some coffee and waited for our host. He came a bit later and sat down beside me after he had given me a kiss. We were alone. Without beating about the bush he came straight to the point.

“Julie, I want you to come with me to Sweden. I love you and I would like to live with you. Please let go off Daniel and marry me.” He looked at me with such begging eyes that I felt sorry for him. But this sympathy wasn’t sufficient enough to change my mind. I told him that I would never give up my relationship with Daniel.

“What happened between you and me is the past. For a while I was uncertain about it but I’ve made my decision. Please let us end our affair in good faith.” He turned pale and tried to say something but he couldn’t find the words. Instead tears rolled down his face. He needed a few minutes during which I withstood the temptation to take him into my arms and console him. I didn’t imagine it would be that hard. Then he began to utter some vows of love which made the situation even worse. I remained firm. Finally he gave up and we separated. At the end I even refused to give him a hug. His appearance was too hysterical for me. I sat down on a rock in the small parking lot in front of his house and waited for my companions.

Kate’s shoes clattered on the paved sidewalk and announced my two companions. I turned around.

“Darling, there you are. We were both shocked when Ingvar told us that you have left already. He’s having a nervous breakdown. What happened, did you have a fight?” Daniel asked with a concerned face.

“Yes, he was upset that you weren’t present when we wanted to hit the sack together,” I replied dryly. Kate giggled.

“Did you really tell him that?” My husband looked at me with his mouth open. It made him look a bit ridiculous.

“Of course. After all we had talked about having a three-some.” In the light of the street lamp I saw Daniel turning pale.

“You can’t talk about our secret bed conversations here in front of Kate.” He was outraged.

“Sure I can. The three of us don’t need to have any secrets. You two keep no secrets from one another any longer anyways. Let’s go now, I am tired.” Kate’s grin spread up to her ears. I sat down beside her on the back seat.

“Daniel, I can see in the rearview mirror that you have lipstick on your cheek. Don’t tell me that you fooled around with Mei Li?” I continued to torment my husband. Hastily he wiped his face. Kate and I laughed.

“Did you have to do that?” he asked me quietly in the house while Kate had vanished in the bathroom.

“What are you getting at? We can’t include our guests in our sex life.” He was completely confused.

“Why not? You included her in your sex life! Or did she tie you up against your free will and then attacked you?” He swallowed.

“Did you …?”

“Yes I did. And I liked it. You both put on quite a show.” He breathed out heavily.

“Daniel, I’m not mad at you. It did quite excite me to watch you. Now I know how that goes.” He sputtered in relief, then he smiled.

“Then we can have a three-some? What do you think?” I agreed to it. But when I asked Kate if she wanted to share the bed with us she was prudish all of a sudden.

“Only if I may tie you up, both of you.” I was perplexed.

“You don’t trust me?”

”I trust you alone but not your husband. With two people in bed I’m no longer in control. You two could arrange to hurt me.” It was her logic that came from an old trauma. We let it go and she went back to sleep in the living room.

I woke up at the crack of dawn. My excitement had vanished and it became clear to me that this love triangle could never work. Daniel was influenced too easily. He might possibly lose his cool and take a hike with Kate. Kate had to leave the house as soon as possible and I already had a plan. But things didn’t work out quite as simple as I had hoped for.

At breakfast I asked Kate whether she had been able to seduce Mei Li before she had fucked my husband. May be there was a chance that Kate would fall in love with Daniel’s boss.

“That bitch hates women,” Kate answered and was not willing to tell me more.

On Sunday the three of us went on a trip. We drove to the ocean, parked at the Spanish Bay and walked along the ocean at Pacific Grove. It was Daniel’s preferred route. First I didn’t like it at all because it was not too far away from the place where I had spent the worst time of my life. But when we were there I started to enjoy the splendid landscape.

Once we arrived at Lovers Point Park my mood changed for the worse. Daniel flirted openly with Kate and wanted to talk her into a three-some. Kate giggled and looked at me. Since she sensed that I didn’t like the game she didn’t react to Daniel’s proposal. At night in bed I rejected my husband because I was outraged that he had flirted with my friend so openly. He didn’t understand me. Didn’t we agree the day before that we could have a three-some?

“Yesterday was yesterday, and today is today”, I explained to him. Sometimes he was really slow. But I didn’t understand my mood changes either, I had to admit.

On Monday Daniel finally returned to work. I called Pete from the porch; I had stood him up once again last week. He seemed to get used to the fact that I didn’t keep our dates because he was elated again that I called. Obviously he was quite lenient when it came to paying off my debts.

“Pete, I have a surprise for you. This time I won’t come alone but tag along a female friend of mine.”  At first he was not quite enthusiastic until I described Kate to him. After that he agreed. Back in the house I informed Kate that I wanted to visit a friend this afternoon and I invited her to come along.

“Who is he? Do I know him?” she asked me.

“My lover”, I laughed. “We made a sex film together and ever since then we meet up on a regular basis. Daniel doesn’t know about him. You’ll like him.” Perhaps this was too honest? I thought sometimes it would be better for me to think first and talk then.

“You’re pulling my chains”, she replied insulted and started pouting. She looked at me skeptically when I put makeup on in the bathroom.

“You look like as if you’re going to walk the streets.”

“
Oh well”,
I thought.
“I guess one can see it that way. Only that I am the one who pays. Not the man”.

“Why don’t you do the same? Makeup and so?” I asked back. “Pete is a very handsome guy and on top he is very amiable.”

“Do you want to hook me up with him?” I shrugged my shoulders and looked at her in the mirror.

“And if so? Would that be a bad thing? He works in a repair shop. Perhaps he knows of something where to get a job.” Kate looked at me through narrow eyes.

“Then I better bring the handcuffs.” Then she got dressed similar to my outfit. I gave her one of my hot pants and an old brown blouse that I hadn’t worn in ages. After that we drove directly to Pete’s apartment.

We waited in the parking lot for Pete to return from work. Any comments from his colleagues could provoke Kate to respective answers, I was afraid. I described Pete to her while we were waiting and I also
told her about his preferences.

When Pete showed up he was wearing his oil-smeared overall again. I had prepared myself for that just in case and wore an old T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops with some eccentric deco.
He shouldn’t be able to destroy another expensive blouse of mine.

We talked about how Kate had come to me and I told her how I came about making a movie with him. Only that, nothing else.

“Are you still involved with Paolo?” I asked Pete. He nodded.

“He reopens the studio next month and already asked me if I wanted to join again. I agreed.”

“Does Ron also come?” I wanted to know.

“If his girlfriend allows him.” He winked at me.

“He has a girlfriend for a few days now who is rather domineering. Nothing she lets him get away with,” he laughed.

“Are you going to work with us again?” he asked me. I declined. That chapter was closed for me. To return back to this room once more was sheer horror for me that gave me the shivers.

What about you?” he turned to Kate. “You would fit perfectly into the team.” She lifted her hands in defense.

“I did this once. It was terrible. Ever since then I am careful.” Her old trauma that she didn’t want to talk about. Whether she had been in a situation similar to the one Robert had in mind for me? It was time to go home. On the way back Kate wouldn’t utter a word. She looked out of the window as within dreams.

“Did you like him?” I tried to wake her up. I had hoped that she had fallen in love with Pete.

“Who?” The short answer sobered me up.

“Pete.”

“Oh well. Yes, he’s a nice guy. But the job you’ve chosen for me is not for me. I don’t wonna be in the same room with a guy. And certainly not with several guys.”

“I didn’t even think of that. That was only because Pete and I had talked about how we met. I thought that they might need somebody in his repair shop.”

“Let me guess. All men?” I had to agree. I had assessed Kate totally wrong. She loved sex but she did not devote herself to a man. I could forget about hooking her up with Pete.

The next two days went by quietly. Then Daniel had to go on a business trip on short notice. His bosses had ordered a closed meeting in a hotel at Lake Tahoe where they wanted to define the strategy for the new company, as he explained to me. He was proud that his presence was wanted. He wanted to be back on Sunday evening. I was certain that he had known about this meeting all along. But I didn’t care. I still had Kate. We looked forward to the nights together.

The next day I took some of the money out of its hiding place in the kitchen that was left from the gold exchange. I invited Kate to go shopping with me. We had great fun to try on new clothes and she taunted me several times when I was half-naked in the changing room. In the evening we then tried on the lingerie that we had treated ourselves to until we fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with gigantic headaches, like a hangover, and turned to Kate. She was not in bed. I waited for her to return. But it was quiet in the house, too quiet. After a few minutes I became restless and got up. Kate was not in the bathroom, not in the garden, she was nowhere. I got knots in my belly and my heartbeat began to race. Kate’s things were also gone. She had left me. A few minutes later I sat all bent-over on the couch incapable of moving. Then I saw a note lying on the floor.

“Thank you, darling”, was written on it in scrawled children’s handwriting. “As I mentioned, the job that you’ve chosen for me is not my cuppa tea. I move on.” That was it.

The house began to sway around me and I became aware of what I had done. Kate had been traumatized and now she believed I wanted to sell her to a porno producer. Embarrassment hit me so bad that I toppled over and cried until the pillow was soaking wet. I had gone through the last few days with her like in a dream. All my fears, misery, shame and guilt feelings, pain and revengeful thoughts had disappeared as long as she was with me. I had allowed myself to be distracted from all my problems while melting together with Kate. But all of that was only hidden under a thin blanket. The suppressed emotions pushed back into reality.

It was already almost lunch time when I was able to get dressed. I actually only got back on my feet because I started to panic again. I was in the house alone. Cursing I got dressed and gathered my things. Then I looked for my car keys. I couldn’t find them. A premonition drove me into the garage. It was empty. Kate had taken my Chevy. My last refuge. Back in the house I tried to pull myself together again. Then I remembered that on the day before I had taken out some money from its hiding place while Kate was there. With one leap I got behind the cabinet and lifted up the bottom board. The cassette underneath was empty. Kate had taken everything even the clothes I had bought her. How did she manage without ever waking me up?

Like in trance I started to walk to the next Caltrain station. I just wanted to go away, only away. As far as possible. Away from my shame, my angst, away from myself. If I hadn’t been so selfish Kate would have never left me. But she must have sensed that I only wanted to use her, that I only saw her as my protector. I had no respect for her boundaries and feelings. Just like with Irene. Or Bruce’s feelings.

My biggest problem was my emotional and sometimes even physical boundaries got hurt. I couldn’t defend myself. But would that entitle me to abuse other human beings for my intentions?

I blamed myself continuously while I was on the train. Only when the loudspeaker announced the final station I noticed where I actually was. In San Jose. What did I want here? Did my subconsciousness lead me here to issue me a warning? From here a bus would take me further south, I remembered. Not far from the place where I had killed Robert was a bus stop. I remembered the number of the bus line. I waited until the right bus came and got onto it. It was still not clear to me what I wanted to do here. There were only a few people on the bus. Nevertheless I took a seat beside a fat black woman; she looked at me rather annoyed. But when I gave her a friendly smile she also returned a smile. I felt safer sitting beside her. A few stops further a sign in a small shopping mall caught my attention. ‘Meggie’s Shoe Store’ was written there. That was like a wake-up call. I got off the bus at the next stop and walked the few blocks back until I stood before the store. Then it dawned on me what had driven me to that spot. The name ‘Meggie’, Kate’s girlfriend. Perhaps Kate had returned to her and so I could reach her here. No, I didn’t come to get her back. I just wanted to ask her for her forgiveness. She could release me from my guilt. At that moment I also became aware what had driven me to come to San Jose. My feelings of guilt that were triggered by my murdering Robert.
‘Murder! The original sin of all!’
as my father used to call out from time to time in one of his services in the assembly hall. He sent that message across loud and clear. I felt better once I understood that. That was something I could process rationally. I could cease to punishing myself.