Highland Avenger (24 page)
Arianna sighed. “Nay. And, although he hasnae yet asked me to leave, he sometimes speaks as if I am soon to go. I begin to fear entering the room as I expect to hear the words I dread each time I do now.”
Fiona hugged her. “I shall pray that ye get what ye want.”
“I think a few prayers may be needed as naught I have done has seemed to make him see that I care for him, that I have no trouble with his life as it is. I shall just have to wait and see what happens when he is back on his feet and fit again.”
Brian stood up and stretched, enjoying the feel of just moving around without pain or weakness. He looked at Callum and sighed. They worked well together and the younger man had a good eye to making a profit in trade. Brian hoped that would not change when Arianna left.
His heart clenched with pain at the mere thought of her riding away from him but he fought to ignore that. Now that he was healed, there was no more reason for her to linger at Scarglas. If he was honest with himself, there had been no need for her to stay and help him heal as Fiona and Mab were very skilled healers. He had allowed himself the time with her, enjoying her caring for him, out of pure selfish need. It was time to stop being selfish and send her back to the life she deserved.
“Ye have a look on your face that isnae making me feel verra kindly toward ye,” said Callum.
“What look?”
“The one that says that now that ye are healed enough to stretch and prance about, ye will do what ye think is the honorable thing and send my cousin away.” Callum held up a hand to stop Brian from speaking. “Please, dinnae lash me with the talk of how she is so high ye cannae touch her. I just ask that ye make the cut ye are about to give her quick and clean. Once ye do this, dinnae change your mind and come looking for her as I willnae allow it.”
Brian was tempted to respond to that threat with a bit of belligerence of his own, but bit back the words. They had one more item to discuss as far as their business dealings went and then the man could leave. He just hoped that Callum did not carry grudges. The trade deals they had made together could prove to be very rich ones and he liked the man.
“We have received word from Lord Ignace that Captain Tillet has a fine new ship. Our first shipment of wine will be headed this way in about a month.”
“Good. Does he say anything about the lads?”
“Aye, their maternal grandfather agrees that they are safer here, that it is safer that the world thinks them dead as weel. The blame for that was put on Lucette. The man will be sending some boon for the lads soon. It appears that his son has died and the mon bred only lassies on his legal wife.” Brian frowned. “I hope he doesnae think he can make them his heirs for then the world will ken that they are nay dead and they are legitimate. It will also mean that Paul Lucette cannae be the heir to the Lucette land.”
“Leave it to them to sort out. The lads are safe here. What happens when they are grown will be their business to deal with. I doubt the old mon will be making his wishes clear for a long time. Arianna says Paul is a verra good mon, studious and kind. For all we ken, he and the old mon are working together in secret. And, we cannae work against those boys getting a fortune in lands and titles when they are older just because we fear for their safety. We will just make certain they are always protected and trained weel in how to protect themselves.”
“Agreed. Lord Ignace also says that his mother has retired to a convent. Seems his uncle suggested it. Says the mon wasnae happy about her plans to stand up against the rest of the DeVeaux or her lack of regard for her only child, his heir. He felt we would be pleased to ken that she willnae be sending him on any more journeys to add to her power and prestige.”
Callum chuckled. “And I suspect he and his uncle are still rejoicing. Obviously the uncle had some power of his own to get that woman out of the house and tucked away in a convent where she can do no more harm.”
“It does seem as if we have found that rarest of creatures, a likeable, honest DeVeau.”
“Aye, so let us hope the rest of his family continues to ignore him. I think ’tis the fact that Lord Ignace is the son of a sailor that has saved him from the others. He may be a DeVeau but he is still tainted by the common branch of the family tree.”
“From what I have heard of the DeVeaux and having met this lad, I think they would do weel to get a little more of the common blood into their family.”
“Aye.” Callum stood up. “I will be off soon I am thinking, but let us nay shake hands right now as I am sore tempted to strike ye down for what I ken ye are about to do.” He nodded at Brian in farewell and walked out of the room.
Brian stared at the door Callum shut behind him and sighed. He supposed he would feel the same if it was one of his cousins. Callum and Arianna had also been close when they were children. Even he had seen what good friends they were once he had gotten past his jealousy.
He sat down at his worktable and dragged his hands through his hair. This was going to be hard but he had to do it. He was healed enough now, after three long weeks, that he was finding it very difficult not to drag Arianna into his bed and make love to her until they were both too weak to even twitch a finger. If she did not leave Scarglas soon he would be doing just that and that would be wrong. A man did not make love to a woman and then turn around and tell her to leave. The trouble was that the need for her was growing so strong he just might sink that low.
He was searching his mind for the right words to say, ones that would carry no taint of rejection, when she stepped into the room and smiled at him. Brian wondered how such a sweet smile could make him feel so wretched. He knew she cared for him but wondered how much of that was because he had been so much kinder to her than any of the Lucettes and had helped her save the boys. A part of him wanted to hear her tell him how she felt about him but he knew that would be cruel because he would still have to let her go.
It did not surprise him when her smile began to fade and her steps slowed as she approached him. Callum had guessed what he was going to do today and she was nearly as astute. It puzzled him that doing the right thing, the honorable thing, should be making him feel like the worst of heartless bastards.
“Arianna, I have been meaning to talk to ye,” he said.
Arianna stopped a foot away from his desk and clasped her hands in front of her skirts. There was a look in his fine eyes that was easy to read. He was going to send her home, just as he had always said he would. The fact that he looked sad about that did not ease the pain of it at all. She kept her hands clasped tightly so that she did not give in to the urge to either cling to him or grab something heavy and beat him over the head with it.
“About what?” she asked.
“Weel, first, let me tell ye what Lord Ignace wrote. I received his missive just today.” He proceeded to tell her nearly everything the man had said even as a voice in his head scoffed at him for this pathetic attempt to delay doing what he had to do.
The news concerning the boys both pleased and worried her. They were safe for now but the future could bring problems. Arianna wondered why he was bothering telling her this because he must have just told Callum, who would be sure to tell her. He did not need to waste time before breaking her heart. Now that she knew what he was about to do, she really just wanted him to get it over and done with.
“Weel, that is good news. For now. There may be trouble later, however,” she said.
“Callum and I are aware of that, and everyone will be alert. I believe Lord Ignace will be sure to send us word, too, especially if he gains from the wine trade with us.”
“Of course. So, is that all?” She desperately wanted this over with as she was nearly shaking with pain and anger.
Brian cleared his throat and clasped his hands together on the top of his worktable. He wished she were not looking at him as if he was about to draw his sword and lop off her head. She had to know that this was best for her.
“I want to thank ye for all the care ye took of me while I was healing from my wounds.”
“Ye got those wounds fighting for my laddies.”
“Ah, weel, aye. And ye. But, I am healed now and your family is eager to see ye. So, I have arranged for an escort for ye and the boys for the ride to your family. Callum and Uven are preparing to leave with ye, too. It was my greatest honor to have been of help to ye in your time of need. If ye e’er need help again ...”
“I will ask it of my family. Now, if ye will kindly excuse me, it appears I have packing to do and fare-weels to give.”
He watched her walk out of the office and had to bite his lip to keep from calling her back. Brian did not think he would ever be able to forget her expression as he had so politely thanked her and wished her well. She had looked both devastated and furious.
For a moment he had almost leapt up to take her in his arms and try to soothe the pain he sensed he had inflicted. That would have been the greatest folly and he knew it. Once he had her in his arms he would not have been able to let her go. It was one reason he had not made love to her despite having been able to and wanting to for at least a sennight.
“I did the right thing,” he said aloud.
He poured himself a tankard of ale and wondered if he had enough so that he could just hide in this room and get stinking drunk until she was long gone. It could be the only way he stopped himself from running after her. Considering the way she had looked at him, if he did run after her, he would probably also have to get down on his knees and beg her forgiveness. Getting drunk was less painful.
Chapter 20
“What are ye doing?”
“Packing,” replied Arianna without looking at Fiona. “I am nearly done and then I will go and help my boys pack all their things.”
“May I ask why?” Fiona sat on the bed and watched Arianna fold a gown with far too much care.
“’Tis time to leave, or so I was told. Time to return to my family and the life that I deserve because I was born to it. Somehow my birth demands that I marry only certain men and live only in a type of untold luxury that my parents have ne’er enjoyed and ...”
Arianna grabbed the gown she had just packed and threw it across the room. That felt so good that she rapidly did the same with everything she had packed until all her clothing was scattered from one end of the room to the other. Cursing softly, she sat down on the bed and glared at the floor.
“Feel better?” Fiona asked as she pushed the saddle packs aside and moved closer to Arianna.
“Nay, not much, and now I shall have to do my packing all over again.”
“Brian told ye to leave, did he?”
Just hearing Fiona say it sent pain slicing through her heart, but Arianna nodded. “Aye. He thanked me kindly for how I cared for him but he is healed now and my family is anxious to see me. Told me how honored he was to help me and even said I could call for him again if I was in trouble. I told him I would just ask my family and left, saying something about needing to pack. Those things I was just saying are what I ken he was thinking, what he has said to a lot of people.”
“And do ye always do what he says?”
She looked at Fiona. “What choice do I have? He wants me gone, Fiona.”
“Nay, he doesnae. He is just doing what he thinks is right. Brian is far too aware of the fact that he is a younger son without land or much coin, a mon of one and thirty who has earned his knighthood yet still lives in his father’s house. Ye, Lady Arianna, are a verra high reach for such a mon.”
“So his pride will send me home? His pride will bar us from even trying to reach for more than an adventure and a few nights of passion? Why doesnae his pride tell him that he is good enough for me? What good is pride when ye are all alone?”
“None, but I think there is a wee bit more than that to it all. Ewan says Brian has seen a lot of sour marriages, ones made for land, title, or money, and has always said he would never marry for that. Mayhap he fears that is what everyone would think he was doing if he wed you. Worse, he might fear that even ye would begin to think so.”
“Why would he think I am so unable to ken what I want or what I can be content with? Aye, the way I let Claud and his kin treat me may have made me look weak, but I have certainly shown him o’er the last few weeks that I have a mind of my own and can make decisions. If he cannae see that after all the time we have spent together and all we have gone through, then how can I e’er make him see it?”
“Look at me. I am called Fiona of the ten knives and pulled a sword on my husband the first time I met him, yet he still tries now and then to make decisions for me. Men cannae help themselves. They often think they ken what is best for us without even asking. That is why we must occasionally let them ken, in the strongest way possible, that we have minds of our own and can make our own decisions about what is best for us.”
“I would have thought ye had all the MacFingals fully aware of that by now,” she said, and managed to share a brief smile with Fiona.
“I also think that, if ye just walk away now, ye will regret it for the rest of your life.”
“And he willnae?”
“Oh, aye, he will, but he will still think he has done the right thing and that will comfort him. Probably thinking this was the honorable thing to do will make him accept it all as something he had to do, too.” She nodded when Arianna snorted softly with scorn. “He truly believes ye are too high a reach for him and he wouldnae be doing the right thing if he tried to make ye stay.”
Arianna put her elbows on her knees and bent to rest her face in her hands. “It may be for the best anyway. It may be that I can convince him that I want to stay with him, dinnae care about bloodlines, finery, or the like, but there is something I cannae give him nay matter how much I love him.”
Fiona frowned. “And what would that be?”
“Children.” She told Fiona about thinking she was barren and all that Jolene had said about the possibility that she was not. “I had thought to talk to ye about it but with everything that has happened, I forgot. Then my bleeding time came last week and all I could think about was that Brian hadnae been able to seed me, either.”
“Ah, weel, I dinnae think ye are barren. Ye were nay with Brian long enough for that to let ye judge the way of it. I am thinking Jolene has the right of it. But, there isnae any way to be certain the problem was with Claud and nay you. There is a hint or two that it was. I also dinnae think that Brian would care.”
“Nay? Men want children. Wheesht,
I
want children. The fact that I actually wanted Claud’s children should be enough to tell ye that.”
I
want children. The fact that I actually wanted Claud’s children should be enough to tell ye that.”
Fiona smiled, but then said, “I wager Callum could find ye a few in need of a home and family.”
“I did think on that but they wouldnae be of Brian’s blood. That might trouble him.”
Fiona shook her head. “I doubt it, truly I do. As for ones of his blood? This keep fair bursts at the seams with them. The MacFingals have more than they need. Ye have seen that. We have a whole army of MacFingals and, being the rutting goats that they are, they are still making more.” Fiona stood up. “There is only one way to find out if ye are barren or nay, isnae there? And ye just told me that ye dinnae have that as proof yet.”
Arianna shook her head, the pain she had suffered when she had bled last week still fresh. She had not realized she had hoped for Brian’s child until that hope had been crushed. Her mind knew that the fact that Brian had not seeded her in the few times they had made love meant nothing, but her heart did not. The fear that she was barren had returned in full strength.
“Weel, all I can say is that I wouldnae let it stand,” said Fiona. “I would go right back to the fool and tell him what an idiot he is. There is a chance that, if ye make your own feelings on the matter verra clear, he will change his mind. He could be thinking he can send ye away now because it will nay hurt ye much. Ye need to convince him that he is wrong.”
“Why must it always be the woman who needs to take that first step?”
“Because men are idiots. And as I told ye, they are also verra fond of making decisions for us without discussing it all with us first. So, rouse that anger I saw when I first came in here and then hunt the mon down. Aye, there may be a chance, a verra small one as I see it, that he will still send ye home. But, when ye go, ye will do so kenning that ye had done all ye could to make him ask ye to stay, aye?”
“So then all the blame will then rest on his shoulders?”
“Exactly. Right where it belongs.”
Arianna remained seated on the bed for a while after Fiona left, staring at the mess she had made. It was going to take a lot of courage to go and confront Brian, to lay herself bare in the hope that he would want to keep her. It was also going to be a hard fight to get him to see that she did not need all those things he thought she did, that she did not care if he had land, a castle, or a purse bulging with coin. She had had that for five years in France and had been utterly miserable. Claud had been one of those highborn, landed, and titled men Brian thought she should find and marry, yet the man had been a cruel bastard with no care for her at all.
She tensed. Her fury over being sent home like some wayward child was returning. Arianna smiled. She might be a little lacking in courage but, when she was furious, she tended to forget that.
“So ye dinnae plan to come out of your room and wave us all on our way?”
Brian scowled at Callum. “Strange. I didnae hear ye knock.”
Callum sat in the chair across the worktable from Brian and helped himself to a drink of ale. “Might be because I didnae.” He took a drink, sighed with pleasure, and then fixed a cold, green gaze on Brian. “As her dearest cousin, I should have beaten ye soundly for taking her to your bed, but she was happy. Now I think I shall beat ye soundly for kicking her out of your bed. Ye have made her verra unhappy.”
“Ye kenned I was going to do it when ye were in here earlier.”
“Aye, but I saw her face when she left.”
“She was angry.”
“Och, aye, that she was, but she was also hurt.”
“And I am sorry for that but this is for her own good.” He glared when Callum made a harsh sound of derision. “’Tis. I am but a knight and that honor was given to me by my own cousin. If I wasnae here, I would have to be selling my sword to some laird. Now that I am healed I will be back to sharing a room with three of my brothers. I have no land. I dinnae e’en have a wee cottage to put her and the lads in. Aye, I have a wee bit of coin but nay enough to keep a lady like her.”
“But ye will.”
“What?”
“The trade ye started. It has served ye and Scarglas verra weel. I was shown some of the improvements that trade has brought ye, as weel as some comforts and luxuries.”
“It isnae a particularly safe business. Ships sink and take all the coin ye spent or would have gained down with them. And, aye, this wine trade with Ignace may prove profitable but ’tis too early to tell. I havenae built the trade up beyond the one ship, either.”
“I can provide ye with the names of a few of my kinsmen who can help with that.”
“But only if I wed your cousin.”
“Nay, I wouldnae do that to my cousin. Wouldnae do that to the mon I will be in trade with, either. If naught else, it would constantly put me in the middle and that is nay a place I want to be.”
The door to the room slammed open startling both men. Brian gaped at Arianna. Her gown was wrinkled, her hair was half down and half pinned up, and if she had a sword in her hand he would have been considering making a run for it. He did not think he had ever seen a woman so furious.
“Callum,” she said, and Brian was surprised that such a dainty, bonnie lass could sound like she was growling.
“Aye, cousin?”
“Leave.”
“Going.”
Brian thought that wide grin on Callum’s face was unnecessary. He also thought, that as a fellow man, Callum should have made some attempt to protect him. If nothing else, the man should have shown some concern about the fact that his cousin looked ready to murder his new trading partner. He could not stop himself from jumping slightly when she slammed the door behind her rapidly retreating cousin.
“Arianna,” he began, trying to use the most soothing voice he could.
“Ye are an idiot,” she snapped. “Who do ye think ye are to make my decisions for me as if I am some child? Did ye ask me if I wanted to leave? Nay. Ye decided it was best for me.”
Brian wondered how she could make that sound like some perversion.
“Weel, I will have my say now and I will tell ye what I think and ye will listen.”
Since she was silent and glaring at him, Brian decided she was waiting for some response. He nodded.
“I allowed ye to make love to me. Do ye think I do that with just anyone? I didnae e’en do it much with the mon I thought was my husband.”
“Aye, but the passion ...”
“Shut up. I am talking. I ken that I was weak, allowing Claud to make me think less of myself, but am I nay recovering from that weakness? Aye, I am, but ’tis clear ye still think me some weak child or ye wouldnae have been deciding things for me. And ye think I care about silks, jewels, fine homes, and all? What have I done to make ye think that, I ask? Naught. I ate thrice-cursed rabbit for days and ne’er once complained, did I?”
“Nay?” Brian was not sure what eating rabbit had to do with anything but he was beginning to think he would be the idiot she claimed he was if he interrupted her now.
“Nay, I didnae. I didnae complain about the dirt, sweaty horses, cold beds on the ground, or the lack of clean, silken gowns. I cannae understand why ye think I am such a delicate, particular lass. As for all this weel-born nonsense? I was born in a bed just as ye were. My parents have coin, aye, and enough to make sure all their daughters have dowries and their sons some sort of inheritance that will allow them to wed where they please, but they are nay wealthy and they are nay particular about who their children wed. My sister married a blacksmith. My mother was the bastard daughter of some rutting goat of a laird and the village alewife. Ye, sir, are the only one who seems to fret o’er such things.”
“But ...”
“Shut up. I thought this all out and I have to say it. If ye interrupt, I willnae get it all out. I am going to tell ye what
I
want. I want a mon who can make my eyes cross when he makes love to me. I want a roof o’er my head and I dinnae much care if the roof is only thatch. I want enough food to keep us from starving and enough coin to buy something pretty when I have to go to some special celebration. I want bairns. I may nay be able to bear any of my own but there are many, many poor wee bairns who need a home and I will be looking for some. And ...”
I
want. I want a mon who can make my eyes cross when he makes love to me. I want a roof o’er my head and I dinnae much care if the roof is only thatch. I want enough food to keep us from starving and enough coin to buy something pretty when I have to go to some special celebration. I want bairns. I may nay be able to bear any of my own but there are many, many poor wee bairns who need a home and I will be looking for some. And ...”
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