Hold Me Close (Devil's Chariots Motorcycle Club Book 1) (6 page)

Johnny looked at her. He was concerned. It took a minute to register that he thought she was scared.

“I'm sorry,” he offered.

“I just want to sit here.” She smiled. “It's nice out.”

He took her and they walked back towards the beach. After finding a nice spot, he sat down and she sat beside him. Everything in her hoped that he'd choose to kiss her again. Hold her hand. Something to show his affection.

Instead he sat and stared at the water.

“I feel guilty,” she admitted to him.

***

Of course she felt guilty. He'd kissed her. She loved his best friend. Hell, he felt guilty. But he didn't want to talk about it.

“You shouldn't.” He tried to stop the subject.

“I do.” She looked into the sand beneath her. “I want more,” she confessed, and Johnny's heart stopped.

“More?” he questioned, hoping the answer was what he wanted.

“Yes. I don't just want to be Dan's old lady, Dan’s widow,” she shared. “I want to be happy as me.”

“Dan would want that,” Johnny told her with confidence.

“Would he? Would he really want me to be happy with another man?” Her question bothered him. “Would he be okay with me dating someone else? Kissing someone else? Wanting someone else?”

She wasn't talking about just someone else. She was talking about him. He knew it. But she'd never say it.

“I think so,” Johnny answered. “As long as you’re happy and this man’s good to you.”

“What if I’m not good to him?” she asked.

“How would you not be good to him?” Johnny asked incredulously.

“Maybe I'd want him to change. Maybe I'd expect him to give up himself for me.” She sighed and stared ahead. “I wanted that from Dan.”

“Not really,” he told her. “You let Dan do his thing.”

“No,” she said angrily. “I begged. He didn't listen. Now he's dead.” She was crying. “I hate him for that. For dying. For leaving me.”

Johnny sat, deafened by the sound of her tears. “Me too, Beth. Me too.”

CHAPTER EIGHT

She could hear her own heartbeat. It was ringing quickly in her ears and making her feel a little crazy. Johnny hadn't spoken since she'd said her piece about Dan. Not even about their date. Was it a date? She wasn't sure.

The entire ride home was difficult. Her arms were wrapped tightly around him. His body was stiff. Her hands could feel his heartbeat and it was as erratic and crazy as her own. Was he thinking about the same things?

Bethany wondered what Dan would think. She couldn't decide if he'd be upset that she and Johnny were getting so close to something resembling a relationship or if he'd be happy that they were taking care of each other.

As the wind blew against her face, Dan appeared in her mind. Even after all of this time she could still see him. It was if he were there beside her. Watching her cling to his best friend. His smile beamed at her. The sound of his voice resounded in her ears. “It's okay,” she could hear him speak, and for a moment she felt like it was all going to be fine. For that minute in time she was secure in what she felt for the man in front of her.

***

Why the hell had he said that? It was the only question that was on Johnny's mind as he steered the bike along the deserted streets. He had insisted on a date. A movie. But it wasn't a date, right? They were friends?

That was the theory. Friends. He didn't want those little urges that came about unexpectedly. He didn't want to feel the things he found himself feeling a lot more every day.

He didn't want to ache when he felt her hands pressed against him. Johnny didn't need the trouble that came with it. There was more than the guilt he would have over being with his best friend's wife. It went far beyond that.

She'd depend on him. He'd have to be faithful. He'd have to answer to her. He'd be expected to commit. Fuck that. He didn't need anything tying him down. He was a straggler. A survivor. Commitment? That wasn't his style. Never had been.

He ignored the voice in his mind that told him he'd already given all of that up and committed. It wasn't true. He was just helping her through a bad situation. A really bad one. It needed the extra time.

***

Bethany hated trying to figure out what was inside his mind. Johnny and Dan may have been best friends, but they were very different. Dan had been easy to read. She'd always been able to tell what he was thinking. Johnny, not so much.

He was standing in her doorway hesitantly. It made her feel anxious. What the hell? He always came inside. Then he asks her out and damned if he doesn't start acting like a weirdo.

She wanted this date to be real. But the way he was acting made her feel like maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe he hadn't meant it the way she'd taken it.

“So,” she said, and paused and waited to see if he would say anything.

“I should probably get back,” he replied. “It's late.” He shuffled his feet around and wouldn't really look at her.

“Right,” she agreed, knowing damn well that he was there much later most nights. “Thanks for the beach.” She smiled.

Johnny looked up at her and returned the smile while nodding. “Anytime.”

“So we are going out tomorrow?” she questioned.

Her breathing was shallow. She was anticipating the answer, half hopeful and half doubting.

“Sure,” he replied half-heartedly. “What kind of friends don't leave the house?” He smiled at her as her heart sank. “So I'll see you then. Sleep good, Beth.” He turned and walked towards his bike without even looking back and Bethany managed to get inside before the tears began to fall.

***

Johnny pretended that he didn't watch her go inside. He acted as though their evening out the next night was nothing more than a couple of friends hanging out. He just failed to mention the part where he wanted to ravage his friend each and every time he looked at her.

Beth had been hurt. He saw the pain flicker inside her eyes. But wasn't it better to hurt her now? Would it not be easier to be disappointed in what didn't happen than to be heartbroken over what did? It wasn't a date. It couldn't be a date.

Johnny didn't have what it took to be with a woman like her. Dan had it. He'd been able to enjoy some fun times and still be the great husband she deserved. Until he died.

She didn't need to lose two men. And Johnny knew without question she would lose him. The only fucking thing he had the ability to commit to was the gang. Dan. The guys. And even in that he was flaking off lately. Because of her. Fuck that. He wasn't going to do to her what he knew would happen. He'd rather she be hurt now.

The clubhouse stood out in the distance and Johnny debated what to do. Should he go inside, fuel up on whiskey, and take another club girl to bed? Or should he go back home and sulk over the woman he wanted and would never allow himself to have?

The decision seemed easy as he turned into the parking lot. He needed to be numb. That's all. He needed to not feel what he was feeling. He knew a few ways to do that, and as he saw a sexy little brunette heading towards the entrance, he realized the two of them were right there in the same place.

***

“Let's go out.” Steph sounded excited by the idea as she spoke to Bethany. “We haven't done it in ages.”

The guilt trip. Everyone did it. They reminded her constantly that she had been a recluse for a long time. Of course she had. Her husband was murdered. She didn't want to do the normal shit. She wanted to grieve.

Or spend time with Johnny. Whatever the truth was. It didn't matter. Heading to a bar at that moment was the last thing she needed. What she craved was for her best friend to stop by with coffee and chocolate so they could sit and talk for hours.

Steph had a different agenda. She'd been single for a good three months and she was tired of being alone. The bar seemed a great place to meet a guy. Her plan was to get drunk and find the man of her dreams.

Beth's plan was to get drunk and try and forget the man of her dreams. Or the second man of her dreams. However it worked out.

“Sure. I need an hour to get ready,” she said. “But I've got a better idea,” she finished

“What's that?” Steph asked.

“How about the clubhouse?” Beth offered.

“The club?” Steph sounded almost appalled. “Are you serious?”

“Look, we can drink. There are guys. Some really hot ones. And they'll watch out for me.” Beth felt comfortable with Dan's buddies at that moment. She still wasn't sure that someone wouldn't come after her.

“Fine,” Steph sighed. “It's better than sitting home I suppose. See you in an hour.” And she hung up the phone.

Beth scoured her closet for something appropriately cute to wear. She wanted to look nice. She was single as well, and it didn't look like Johnny planned to change that status.  She may as well turn a few heads.

After an hour of perfecting her appearance, she heard the doorbell. Grabbing her purse, she walked out to a warm and excited smile from her best friend.

“Girl, you look amazing,” Steph exclaimed. “Let's go.”

Bethany tried to get her mind ready. She wasn't a big bar person. But she wanted to spend time with her friend. By the time they pulled into the parking lot of the clubhouse her mind was racing with eagerness to see how this evening as a single woman turned out. It'd been a while.

Had she seen his bike in the parking lot, she may have changed her mind. Instead she went inside, planning to have a night she'd never forget.

CHAPTER NINE

He saw her walk in. She was with that friend of hers that he had barely spoken to. The few times he'd met her, he had gotten the impression that she didn't care for him. Didn't surprise him.

It didn't matter because Johnny barely noticed her. He was too busy gazing at Beth. She was breathtaking. The low-cut blouse showed off her assets quite nicely and the short skirt added to the effect. Her hair fell perfectly around her face and highlighted the flawless skin that had a touch of color from the makeup.

But it was more than how she was dressed, although he'd yet to see her look that damn good since they'd met. It was the glow he could see on her face. The glint of sparkle in her eyes. The desire that he could feel from across the bar.

Suddenly the brunette that was practically sitting in his lap lost her appeal. His entire being was focused on the angel that was standing in the doorway looking lost. He wondered how long it'd been since she'd seen the inside of a bar. She looked very out of place.

“What's wrong baby?” The brunette was talking.

Johnny didn't know her name. She'd probably said it, but he'd not paid attention enough to remember. He didn't fucking care. She'd been nothing more than a distraction and she was useless at that point. What he wanted most had walked in.

“I see some friends,” he said shortly. Why the fuck was she all over him like that?

“Invite them over!” She seemed happy at the idea.

Johnny laughed and then couldn't explain why. The idea of this girl and Bethany in the same spot was funny. They didn't
belong
in the same spot. They were different. Vastly different. Besides, he didn't want his distraction interacting with what he was trying to distract himself
from
.

“Liza?” he heard her voice before he realized she was there.