Hold Me Close (Devil's Chariots Motorcycle Club Book 1) (9 page)

***

Johnny told himself enough was enough. He had changed shirts three times. What the hell? That was a woman thing. Or a date thing. This was most certainly not a date. He was going to a movie with a friend. That was it. A way to pass the time. A way to keep each other’s spirits up.

Why did it feel so guilty? Why did he feel like he was betraying Dan? He wasn’t. He’d promised his best friend years ago that if anything ever happened he’d look after his family. At the time there’d been plans for children. Dan and Beth just hadn’t had time to fulfill that hope.

But Johnny was just keeping that promise. Making sure that Bethany was okay. Keeping her company and taking care of her. They needed each other. They understood each other. It was innocent. Completely.

Besides, she'd not been home last night. And he doubted she'd been with the brooding redhead. It wasn't a date. They weren't together and never would be. He was going to tell her goodbye that night.

Time to stop worrying about what to wear. It was just casual.

***

She stood again in front of the mirror. Examining her outfit, she couldn’t help but notice the smile that teased at the corner of her lips. Was she actually feeling good about something? It was hard for her to imagine that she could smile. It hadn’t happened much since Dan had died.

Bethany was certain it’d been the hardest time of her life. She’d had to adjust to life without him coming home at night. Life without arguing over his gang and the fact she didn’t think it was safe. Life without picking up his laundry or putting down the toilet seat. Life without his smile or the way he’d laugh uncontrollably when she said something stupid.

“Blonde through and through” was his favorite line. She hated it. Now she missed it more than anything. She’d love to hear him taunt her and tease her for being blonde just one last time.

She knew that she’d only made it through all of this because of Johnny. She’d felt so dumb that first day. She’d told him how much she’d hated Dan being in the gang. They’d discussed the shooting. They’d discussed the fact that Johnny intended to hang around a bit and make sure she wasn’t in danger.

Mostly they’d just talked about Dan. His good qualities. His annoying ones. She learned things about him she’d never known, and so did Johnny.

That day had turned into that week and then months. She saw Johnny almost every day. He’d stop by to check in and they’d end up eating and watching television.

She’d been blowing off friends and events and she’d pretty much stayed secluded in her home. Their home. But she knew Johnny wouldn’t pity her. He wouldn’t struggle with what to say. He wouldn’t act weird around her. So she’d agreed to go out. And that’s how they ended up with a date.

“NOT a date!” She yelled into the mirror. It was most certainly not a date!

The hurt from the previous night reappeared. It was random. She remembered Liza. She remembered how he held her. She remembered how he'd said it wasn't a date. Then she remembered that he was gone when she showed up. She had finally gotten the courage, and he was gone.

***

Johnny tried to ignore the way he was feeling. The fact that he noticed the twinkle in her eyes. The fact that her skirt showed off long and tan legs. He pretended he didn’t see the cleavage visible in the dip of her blouse or the smile that showed on her face.

Mostly he pretended that he didn’t feel something when he did see all of that. That his insides weren’t slightly twisting at the sight of her. That his heart didn’t beat a little bit faster when she smiled at him. He attempted to ignore that when he saw her—when he saw Bethany and not Dan’s wife.

Johnny returned her smile and led her to his car. She stopped mid-sidewalk and stared at it inquisitively. “A car?” The surprise was evident.

He saw her crooked smile and he wanted to kiss her. As soon as he asked her who was kissing her last night. She'd been gone. Why? Who was she with?

He looked down at the sidewalk. “I didn’t think you’d want…” the remainder of the sentence hung in the air.

It was a not-so-silent reminder of the proverbial elephant in the room. The one that was there and yet wasn’t. Her husband. His best friend. The man whose death had brought them together.

He knew she'd wanted that fun and excitement on the way to the beach. But he didn't think she'd really want to cruise town on the bike. Not when this was already so awkward.

“Thanks,” she said to break the silence, and continued to the vehicle. He followed her and they headed off to enjoy their evening out. As friends. Innocent friends. At least that’s what he kept telling himself over the thunder of his heart.

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Come on, you can’t be serious?” Bethany laughed at the absurd suggestion and sipped her water. “There was nothing even remotely realistic about that.”

Johnny watched her laughing and couldn’t help but feel something stir inside of him. It was good to see her happy. God knows she’d helped him. That night before he went to her house, the first time he’d bottomed out. The alcohol and the chick he’d been with did nothing for him. Tossing them both to the side, he’d sat in the corner and cried.

If the guys had seen that, they'd have been concerned about him. Most likely about what his reasoning was, but also about his ability to handle the jobs that they had for him. They didn’t need any pussies on patrol with them. Not that it’d mattered. He’d taken an indefinite leave anyway. None of them had understood. Yes, they were upset over Dan. But they had a purpose and that meant back to business. They were far too concerned with what his reasons were for taking off for the time being. He knew he needed to follow their purpose and get back to work.

But his purpose had changed. He was here for Beth. He couldn't help but look upon her with awe. She was amazing. He wanted so badly to kiss her in that moment. His heart ached to think he'd come so close to telling her that. He'd been so close to having her. He'd driven to her house in the heat of the moment.

After deciding to go back to work, he'd felt broken. Like he was walking away from what mattered. So he went there. To tell her how he felt and pray to God she felt the same. But then she wasn't home. And he'd went back more broken than ever and knowing that it was time to leave. They were just hurting each other at that point. He had work to do and he was fucking everything up. The club would have his ass if he didn't get it back in gear. Not to mention how they'd potentially treat her.

But sitting with her made it hard. He was planning to tell her. But he didn't want to. He loved her. That was the hard part. He shouldn't. He needed to walk away. But he did. He fucking loved her.

“Are you saying that you wouldn’t be enticed?” Johnny took a sip of coffee. Was he really sitting in a café drinking coffee? His life had certainly changed recently.

She was to blame. She’d brought him out of the sea of darkness that he’d gotten lost in when Dan was killed. She’d given him something to wake up for. He had a purpose. Take care of Bethany. He had a reason to try.

Mostly she understood him when no one else seemed to. Dan had been all the family he had ever known. And so losing him was like losing his family.

Being with Bethany helped. He didn’t feel the pain as strongly. He felt like someone else understood what he was feeling. She’d lost her family too.

That realization hit him hard. Almost as hard as her reply.

Her family. Dan was her family. And she'd lost him. And his best friend was sitting across the table from her, longing to do things to her that were wildly inappropriate. Or not, depending on how he took her reply.

“It’s been so long it, wouldn’t take a whole lot to entice me.” The words slipped out before she thought of them and she stopped speaking suddenly.

Bethany tried not to look at him, but Johnny saw the pink begin to cover her face. He was at a loss for words just as much as she was. How was a man to respond to a statement like that? Especially a man that was attracted to her and shouldn’t be?

***

Bethany was embarrassed. Had she really said that? She didn’t want to look at him, so she started talking. Not about the movie. Not about her absolutely inappropriate statement. Just about things. The weather over the previous couple of days. Some phone calls she had received. The salad she’d had for dinner. Whatever she could find to talk about.

It was to the point where she was rambling. When she finally looked up, she expected to see him looking at her as though she was crazy. But instead he seemed intrigued. As if he were waiting patiently on the next detail. He seemed to really care what she had to say. Which was funny, considering she wasn’t really talking about anything serious. Just trying to keep the silence from reminding her of what she’d said.

Truth be known, she wished he'd offer to change that. But then again, she guessed his night with Liza had solved that problem for him. She almost said that. Told him that he wouldn't understand. But she decided that sounded too jealous.

God she wanted him. Even with his intrigued but brooding gaze. She wanted to touch him. To kiss him. What the hell was coming over her?

***

She was cute. The way she was switching subjects so fast. Talking with such a quickness that it was hard to keep up with her train of thought. Her face was red. Her hands were playing furiously with her napkin. She looked like her only desire was to evaporate so that he couldn’t see her. But he liked watching.

He even enjoyed the things she was saying. There was something about her that he just felt at ease with. He wondered how he’d been around her before and never realized any of this.

Probably because she was Dan’s wife and old lady.

God damn it! He hated when he remembered that. It made him hurt. And feel guilty. He should leave. He needed to leave. He should walk away from this woman now.

But fuck, he didn't want to.

***

As Johnny drove her home, Bethany stared out the window in silence. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but she didn’t much like herself for her own thoughts. The distance between them in the car made her grateful they hadn’t taken his bike. She didn’t want to know how it felt to have her arms wrapped around him on the bike yet again. Sitting beside him was doing enough to her body.

She could feel the heat that was escaping from her as it brushed along the skin of her thighs. The dampness soon followed and a new wave of guilt ensued.

Her pulse quickened slightly and the sweaty palms soon followed. What the hell was wrong with her? Yes, he was attractive. But he was Dan’s friend and Dan hadn’t been gone all that long. She needed warm and fuzzy feelings of being comforted, not longing and desire for more.

They were far too close to her house and that scared her. It’d be rude to not invite him in. But she wasn’t sure that was the best idea. As he pulled into the driveway she realized she’d just have to find out.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“You coming?” Bethany looked over at him and said the words casually. It wasn’t unusual for him to come inside and she decided to keep it light so that it didn’t seem as weird to Johnny as it did to her.

“Sure.” He turned off the car and began to follow her to the door. “Still got a few beers left?”

“No. I drank them for breakfast.” She rolled her eyes and went inside.

He liked her sarcasm. The ability to be a smartass without being offensive was admirable to him. The more time he spent with her, the more he saw why Dan loved her so fiercely.

What would Dan say if he knew the things that his best friend was thinking about his wife? A small chuckle escaped his lips as he thought about it. Dan would be surprised, but not by the fact that it was Bethany. He would be surprised anyone was having this effect on his buddy. The womanizer. The one that never even settled for three whole dates with one girl. He was now the man that spent all of his free time with the same woman.