Hold My Breath (16 page)

“What is it, Maddy?” I whisper into her ear. “If I haven’t made things worse, then what? Tell me?”

Her hands fall from my wrists to my chest, her fingers slowly grasping fists full of my shirt. I watch her face fall into me and her mouth part, her lips touch my chest, kissing lightly and trembling in-between.

“You’ve made everything clear. You’ve made me feel whole, like something was missing for the last four years, and now that it’s in place, I’m stronger,” she says.

I reach down and lift her chin, and her eyes open on mine as I do.

“I meant what I said yesterday, Maddy,” I say. “Your laugh…your smile? It’s just as beautiful as I remember it. As beautiful as...as I always thought it was, even if it wasn’t mine to admire.”

Her eyes widen with a flare at my confession, and I know by the way she breathes that she understands the truth barely hidden behind those words. I’ve wanted Maddy since she dared me to beat her when we were kids racing in the pool. I’ve wanted to kiss her since I wrapped my hands around hers on the rope swing, and I know in my gut that I loved her first. I loved her more…and I loved her first.

I breathe through my nose, holding on to the quickly losing battle my conscience is having over what’s right and wrong—what would be a betrayal and what is just life, continuing on. The longer I look into her deep brown eyes, the clearer everything becomes, until the choice is no longer a choice, it’s just something I have to do.

My hands slide around her body slowly, and my eyes hold their gaze on hers, waiting for the cue that tells me to stop. When it doesn’t come, I lift her up so her body is flush with mine, and I spin around and set her on the desk, her hands not once letting go of their grip on my shirt.

Her bottom lip quivers, and I press my finger to it, stepping away just long enough to push the door closed completely and lock it. We don’t need anyone walking in, making either of us question whatever happens in the next several minutes.

I walk back to her quickly, and her mouth opens in a way that I know she’s about to doubt what we’re doing. I can’t let that happen, because it’s poisonous, and it will halt me before I can just see…I need to see if this is real, if she feels this, too.

Without pause, I reach through her hair, threading my fingers through the strands, and tilting her head up just enough that her lips are waiting for mine to cover them. I kiss her hard; she leans back with my force, her hands falling to the desktop behind her to catch herself.

“I won’t let you fall,” I say against her mouth.

She tilts her head just enough that our eyes meet. A breath. Two. Her hands move from their careful place to my neck, and the second I feel her fingers in my hair, I taste her mouth again. My hands move to her back, and when she arches I groan at the feel of her breasts against my chest.

I let her lead, with everything, content to have this, to kiss her raw and memorize every curve of her mouth and bend of her back. Her hands fall down my chest, though, reaching for the bottom of my shirt and lifting it up and over my head, her fingers retracing their path down my chest and abs to the button on my shorts. She grabs the waist of my shorts and pulls me closer, until my dick is pressed to the center of her legs, and the heat that radiates sends me to a place I don’t think I’ll have the power to come back from.

She’s wearing a thin, black T-shirt that I lift up easily, taking the black bra underneath away with it. My hands roam along her shoulder blades, the curve of her back and to her arms, but I keep my eyes on hers, almost afraid to look at this much of her. I know I’ll never be able to forget any of this, and if something goes wrong, which isn’t far from likely, I know the further in I fall, the more painful every memory will be.

Maddy’s hands trace along my shoulders and down my arms until she weaves her fingers with mine, and she pushes me away enough that I have no choice but to see all of the girl—every bit of her that I have dreamt of for years. Her hair tickles along her shoulders, barely falling down her front, the length not quite making it over her breasts. Her nipples are hard peaks, and I hunger for them.

“Goddamn, you’re everything I thought you would be, Maddy. You’re more,” I say, her eyes hazing with my words.

Her mouth curves up on the right, just slightly, and she holds onto my hands as she lowers herself back to the desk, arching the second her shoulders hit the wood, her head falling back until her hair cascades over the other side of the desk.

I let go of her hands and lay my palms flat against her bare stomach, my fingers aching to travel both directions, my cock so hard that I think I might break through the zipper on my pants. I indulge and lean forward, letting my hands travel up her ribs slowly, counting the deep breaths she takes in anticipation of my touch, teasing her when I meet the curve of her breast and taking my time arriving to the very tips. When my thumbs graze over her hard nipples, she whimpers, her body squirming and her back arching into me, begging for more pressure.

“You want more…here,” I say, leaning over her and taking one of the peaks into my teeth, holding on with light pressure while my tongue passes over her skin. I draw it out until she arches again, and then I suck hard, leaving her nipple pink and raw.

I stand tall and cup her breasts, letting my fingers tickle down her body, to her stomach, slowing as I pass over the band of her cotton shorts, then over the gray material until my thumbs hover just over her center.

“Or do you want more…” I pause, pressing my thumb against her, feeling how swollen and wet she is through her shorts. “Here?”

“Oh god,” she cries, and I rub her harder, her hips writhing on the end of the desk, her body wriggling to get closer to me.

I kneel in front of her, between her knees, hooking my fingertips in her waistband, sliding her shorts and the silky panties underneath over her hips, then down her thighs. I close my eyes once and breathe in slowly to force myself to take my time, to make sure I’m aware of any signs she gives, any hesitation I sense.

My hand starts at her calf, sliding slowly up her leg, over her knee and the inside of her leg until I reach the place I just was. I glance up to her body, one hand held hostage by her teeth gripping her knuckles and the other a fist on the wood of the desk until her fingers open and flex. I press my thumb against her, stroking her slowly, her body responding with my rhythm. I let my finger dip inside once, holding my place for a few seconds so she can adjust, until I feel her body relax as she rocks her hips to take me deeper. I lean forward, and I taste her with my tongue, feeling how ready she is, tasting how badly she wants me—wants this.

Unable to hold on to slow, I stand and unbutton my shorts, dropping them to the floor and taking my cock in my hand, stroking it while I stand before her bare naked body, splayed open and ready for me on an old wooden desk. Papers have slid to the floor, my uncle’s tools have fallen—her beautiful body amid the mess we’ve made. I don’t have anything with me. This…
this…
is not something I have done for several months. And this time is different, it’s more. I rest my hand against her pelvis and step forward, sliding my tip along her soft folds, teasing her until I’m coated in her, until nothing less will do but burying my dick deep inside her.

“I don’t have anything, Maddy. If we keep going, it’s going to be…”

“I’m on the pill. I’m fine, I trust you,” she pants. Her eyes open on mine and her hand falls away from her mouth, her lips a bright pink from the rough kisses I left behind. I hold myself at her entrance, uncertain, but so goddamned ready, until she bites her bottom lip and nods slowly, her eyes closing just enough and her lip curling in the anticipation of pleasure.

I move forward and fall into her, splitting her and pushing so deep that her body moves along the desk, so I grip her shoulder hard and she wraps her hands around my arms.

“Oh god, Will. More of that, please!” she begs, so I pull out of her completely and then enter her again, this time ready to hold her against me while I push forward. Her legs fall open even wider, and her body arches.

“Yes!”

I slide out again, grabbing myself and waiting, watching her eyes flutter, her mouth pant, and her breathing grow ragged until I fuck her again. I move my hand under her back and I pull her body close so I can suck her breast while my dick moves in and out of her. I push hard, and I bite her nipple raw, then I move to the next, turning and lifting her body with me so I’m sitting on the desk and she’s straddling me, her knees on either side while her body lifts up and down, riding me.

I grab her ass, my fingers gripping her skin so hard I might leave bruises in my wake, but I hold on anyhow, moving her up and down on my cock, the pressure building while we both chase this feeling that’s better than any high, than driving drunk and racing no one. This is what I’ve been missing, this is what was supposed to be—Maddy and me, we were the right fit. This can’t be wrong. It’s too perfect…too right and too good.

“Jesus, Maddy,” I growl into the small of her neck, her hair sticking to my damp skin, her body moving hard and fast while she slides up and down. My hips meet her rhythm, and I push into her, the force growing with every move, until we both press our mouths against one another’s necks to stifle the moans and cries that we can’t help but make from a release so desperate and hard that it leaves us both shattered when our bodies collapse on the desk.

Maddy falls against me, and I pull her up, turning us so I’m lying on the desk and her body is on mine, her perfectly toned machine of a body completely wrapped in my arms and legs, sticky from our sweat and our sex.

I feel regret knocking against my heart. I feel it threatening to creep into my head. I see glimpses of faces—of Dylan, of Tanya…
of Evan.
I push them all away, bury them deep, and I gather Maddy’s hair into my palm, pressing my lips against the side of her face.

“I need you to stay, Will,” she says. “No matter what…if you lose, if I lose. If this gets hard, whatever this is. I need you to stay until we figure it out. And even then, I just think…”

She lifts her head, and I cup her face in my hands, her eyes locking on mine.

“I think I just need you to stay,” she says.

I stare at her for several seconds, holding my breath, my mind racing with all of my demons, and with everyone else’s demons, too. I fear none of it is possible. I’m going to break her heart. Those demons—they’ll destroy her. But I can’t give her up. I need her to stay, too. Even though I can’t promise it; even though I shouldn’t, I say exactly what she needs to hear. I let myself believe it for the breath it takes to speak.

“Okay,” I say, bringing her lips to mine, kissing her softly, then closing my eyes as her forehead rests against mine. “Okay,” I whisper again.

I may have to break this promise, but for right now…for right now, I mean it.

* * *

M
y fingers have been fumbling
with these damned cufflinks for about twenty minutes. I’m about ready to toss them down the hall, down the steps, maybe go down there and kick them out the door and into the pool.

“What’s wrong with you? Come here and give me your damn arms,” my uncle says, dropping the newspaper he’s been reading before waving me over to the sofa.

He slides his glasses to the end of his nose and jerks both sides of my sleeve a few times, lining up the slits. When he loses his grip on one end the first time and swears under his breath, I chuckle.

“Not so easy, is it?” I say.

“Well it would be if you wore a shirt that fit. This one’s too tight for your arms, and the cuffs aren’t sitting in the right spot,” he says, jerking them in place again.

“Nothing fits me right. I have big arms,” I say.

“Yeah, yeah…show off,” he says, pushing the pin through and twisting it. He drops his hold on my wrist and curls his fingers asking for the other.

“Thanks,” I say, admiring the flat, silver circles he fastened.

He glances up at me, smirking just as he twists the other one and pushes my hand away.

“Don’t mention it,” he says.

I walk over to the counter and put my watch back on, taking a minute to soak in how my hands look with my father’s cufflinks and watch. My uncle gave me the links this morning, telling me I could keep them too. I may never wear them again, but I want them all the same.

“So where is this fancy dinner thing?” my uncle says, stepping up behind me and holding my jacket out. More tight shit to shove my arms into.

“At the Woodsens’. Maddy’s mom thought it would be nice to have everyone over, sort of a team-building thing I guess,” I shrug.

Curtis showed up yesterday minutes after Maddy left, and I only heard half of the words he said, because my head was too busy trying to process what had happened with Maddy, and whether or not her dad saw her leave or passed her on the way out. Even though he probably would just assume she was here swimming, I knew she wasn’t. And the memory of us was so vivid I felt like he could see it in my eyes.

I focused enough to get that we would have this dinner, there were some sponsors he wanted a few of us to meet, and that he was lining up some interviews. I told him I’d have to think about the interviews, but when he left, I got the sense my thinking wouldn’t factor into whether or not they happened.

My uncle straightens the collar of my shirt and the shoulders of my jacket, brushing along the arms and front and pulling spots where things just look crooked. I own two suits, and the other one was the one I was arraigned in. That makes this one luckier, I suppose.

“You spent a lot of time with Maddy yesterday,” my uncle says, one eyebrow higher than the other. I lower one of mine, glaring at him.

“And…” I say.

“And…a lot of time probably gives you enough time to tell that girl the things she needs to know,” he says.

I scowl, stretching my arms and testing how far I can bend them in this woolen straight jacket. I stuff my wallet in my coat pocket and circle our small apartment for my keys, finding them and giving my uncle one more glance as I head for the door. He follows me out, waiting in the hallway, letting me get a few steps away before giving me one more thing to feel tormented over.

“You don’t owe anyone, Will,” he says.

I stop, my head slumps forward, and I think instantly of all the people I
do
owe.

“I mean all of them, too, Will. You don’t owe Tanya. You don’t owe Dylan. I know you have a big heart, and you’re trying to do what’s right, but don’t let it get in the way of giving yourself a little joy, ya know? You’ve earned it, son. This life is over in a blink. Don’t spend so much of it punishing yourself over something that wasn’t even your goddamned fault in the first place.”

I take his words in for a few seconds, then turn, my gaze rising just enough to find his righteous one.

“Hard to think that way when they’re all gone, Duncan. That’s all,” I say, turning and leaving without another word from my uncle.

It takes only a few minutes to get to the Woodsen home, and Maddy’s mom is out front greeting a couple who pulled along the curb right before me. I push my car into park and check my mirror, looking myself in the eyes for a last-minute gut check. I need to talk to Curtis today about taking Thursday and Friday off, and I know I’m going to have to give an explanation to Maddy. I won’t lie, but the entire truth can’t happen either.

There’s a loud knock on my passenger window, and my pulse doubles simply seeing her face. Maddy’s bent forward, her hair falling over one eye, her shoulders bare from the white dress that’s only held up by thin straps. Goddamn, she’s an angel.

I roll the window down.

“You comin’ in? Or you just planning on joining the party from out here?” She giggles and turns her head, looking at me sideways, and it does something unexpected to my chest—it fills it full.

I unlock the door, and she opens the passenger side, sliding in to sit next to me, pulling the rest of her long dress in between her feet before shutting the door and swinging her eyes my direction. I lean forward and fold my arms on the wheel, my head on my hands looking at her.

“I hate parties,” I say.

“Me too,” she says, the words coming from one end of her mouth. I smile seeing it, and she blushes. “What?”

“I have always…
always…
loved the way you talk,” I say.

My heart races again. Maddy looks down at her hands in her lap, and I worry for a second I’ve made her uncomfortable. She bites her lip, though, and a smile hits her mouth on the side closest to me just before she glances at me with her head cocked at an angle, and I’m instantly glad I said what I did.

“Think we can just skip it? Hit the gas, drive to…I don’t know…Chicago? Spend the day on Lake Michigan? Go to some museums. See the Cubs!”

Her eyes are wide, and I almost think she’s serious until she sighs and falls back into her seat.

“Probably not, huh?” she says.

“Probably not,” I say, motioning out the window where her dad is standing a few yards away, his arms folded and his eyes watching our every move.

“He likes you, Will. Don’t be nervous,” she chuckles.

I pull the key from the car and push my door open, sliding the keys in my pocket while I round the back of the car and meet Maddy just in time to take her hand while she exits my car. I’m playful with her fingers, and we both look at our flirting hands.

“I don’t think he’d like me very much if he knew all of the things I want to do to you,” I say quietly.

Her fingers keep playing along with mine, and I hear her swallow. I chuckle and hold my arm out for her to take, and she looks down, her cheeks red as she slides her arm through mine, her hands wrapping around my bicep and forearm. I lean into her, urging her to look up at me.

“A thousand parties,” I say.

She quirks a brow and squints. I lean in close enough to whisper while we walk.

“I’d go to a thousand parties if I got to walk in with you on my arm,” I say.

Her head falls against my shoulder, and her hands squeeze where they hold. I feel strong enough to survive anything.

Maddy’s mom, Susan, has joined Curtis just outside the door while we walk up, and their expressions couldn’t possibly be more different. Susan’s eyes look a happy kind of surprised, and Curtis looks like he wants to take me out back and dispose of my body in the alley. On instinct, and perhaps a little out of self-preservation, I slide Maddy’s arm loose from mine and let her go when we reach the door.

“Will, I haven’t seen you enough. I’m so glad you could come today,” Susan says, hugging me and kissing my cheek. She feels like home, too.

“Not sure this party was optional,” I say, letting her go and glancing from her to her husband. His face is still stern, and I’m pretty sure he’s gritting his back teeth. “But I would have come no matter what.”

“Well, either way, I’m glad you did,” Susan says, patting my shoulder, and walking inside, leaving me alone with Maddy’s dad.

“You two seem to have found your way,” he says, his lips twisted and pushed together tight.

“I’ve missed her, is all,” I say.

Okay, I lie sometimes. I lie to this man, because he scares the ever-loving shit out of me, and because I have now seen his daughter naked, and I feel like he knows.

“Uh huh,” Curtis says, blinking when he turns his eyes away from me, stepping in and holding the door as I pass. He shuts it behind us, and I wait for his lead, following him down the hallway to the main room that has been cleared out to make room for tabletops and mingling. Suddenly, my jacket feels tighter.

“I have some folks I’d like you to meet, if you’ve got a minute?” Curtis says, turning to me as we step into the crowd. There are about twenty of us swimming at the club, and we’re all here, but mix in the people with money, family members, dates and such, and it’s hard to maneuver around the modest Woodsen home. I manage to follow Curtis through the tables to two men standing by the door. Their suits—they seem to fit right.

“Will, this is Craig and Allan Cumberland,” he doesn’t need to finish the intro for me to get exactly who they are. I wear their suit. I’ve
always
worn their suit.

“Nice to meet you,” I say, very aware of my grip. I squeeze hard, and I get a smirk from one of them.

“Likewise, Will. I’m Allan, this is Craig,” the taller of the two says.

I glance between them and catch a glimpse of Maddy, standing at a table with Amber and her friend Holly. They’re all laughing over something, but Maddy’s pretending. I can tell; her eyes are on me, and she’s watching this conversation.

“Been following your story for a while, Will,” Craig says. “You’ve overcome a lot. It’s pretty inspiring.”

My mouth falls to a straight line and I look down when a server walks by and drops a napkin at our table for each of us. Prophetic.

“Water for me, thanks,” I say before she has a chance to zip off and fetch wine for all of us. She nods, and I catch Curtis’s stare, his tight smile.

“I wouldn’t say it’s inspiring,” I say, in response to Craig. “Those things were all kinda my own doing, for the most part. Just trying to claw my way back, I guess—prove something.”

“I think you’re proving things to a lot of people just by going to the trials,” Allan says.

“Maybe,” I say, happy that the server returns quickly with my water. I twist the cap and guzzle nearly half of it down, relieved to have something to busy myself with.

“The Cumberlands were thinking, Will…since you wear their suits and all, maybe there’s an opportunity for some sit-downs, a few interviews, nothing too big…” Curtis’s words trail off while he waits for my reaction. Everyone at this table is watching me drink from a water bottle, and I do my best to smile with my eyes.

“Maybe,” I say.

By the way Curtis’s face falters, I can tell that
maybe
was not what he was hoping for. He should feel lucky, though. My instinct was an immediate
no thanks.

“Great, we’ll work on some details, run them by you,” Curtis says, suddenly attracted to someone on the other side of the room. “We’ll catch up with you later. Gentlemen, I went to the Olympics with this guy over here. Come with me so I can introduce you.”

They all leave, and I rest my elbows on the table, glad to be alone. Maddy walks up, taking my water from my hands and finishing it herself.

“I hate wine,” she shrugs.

I breathe out a laugh.

The room grows busy with shaking hands and ass kissing, and my jacket feels more and more snug.

“You wanna go sit outside with me for a bit? Escape a little?” I tilt my head toward the patio door.

“God, do I,” Maddy smiles.

I follow her through the crowd, and she grabs two more water bottles from the bar set up in the corner on our way outside. She slides the glass door shut behind us when we slip out, and I pull two of the patio chairs into a corner, out of the view of the guests inside. Before I sit down, I slip off my jacket and drape it over the back, flexing my fingers and wishing like hell I could pop these cufflinks off, too.

Maddy’s knee grazes against mine when she sits, and instinctually, I lean closer. Her fingers trail along my wrist, and my hands open, finally relaxing as she pinches the plain silver link on my left cuff.

“Your dad’s?” Her question isn’t
really
a question.

“Yeah. Duncan gave them to me this morning. He fixed this up for me, too,” I say, laying my other wrist on my knee to show her the watch.

“I figured that was his. It looks like him,” she smiles.

She’s right. It does.

I reach forward and sweep her hair behind her ear, her eyes glancing to me as her lip quirks up on one side. I slide my finger down to the tip of her nose, then brush my knuckle against her mouth.

“You look beautiful,” I say.

Her mouth pulls into a tight smile, her cheeks round and red.

“Thanks,” she says, her voice raspy.

Her eyes hit mine, and we stare at each other without breathing for a while, but I can’t hold up my façade for longer than a few seconds. I feel my muscles in my face give, my eyes slanting and mouth falling back to that straight line of dread.