Homespun Bride (19 page)

Maybe it wasn't so polite to run off, he thought, as he took the steps two at a time, but he wasn't a parlor-sitting kind of man. And he wanted to end the evening when it was perfect. Just perfect.

The snow fell soft and airy as an answered prayer. His boots sank up to his ankles in the new blanket of snowfall and he rubbed Sunny's nose before he slogged back to the sleigh. Funny how it did feel as though God had been watching out for him in the end. That He hadn't forgotten a simple hardworking man after all.

Thad settled on the seat, pulled the robes tight and gathered the reins in his gloved hands. Snow tapped on his hat brim and slapped his cheek as he turned Sunny in a lazy half circle, nosing him away from the bright lights of the Worthington home and into the cloying darkness.

Maybe things just take time to work out for His good; that's all. Maybe that's what he'd lost sight of when he was so far from home and everyone he loved, his heart dashed. Faith had been a painful thing for a long spell, and now it was hurting in a whole new way.

The wind kicked up, cold and shrill, so he knuckled down his hat against the stinging snowflakes. That pain seemed to spread through his chest like wildfire. For whatever reason, he was being given a second chance with Noelle. What he didn't know was that gratitude could hurt, too.

Noelle's words tonight came back to him.
It's easy to fall into the habit of walking through life. It's safer. Because you don't have to risk as much. You don't have to really feel.
Maybe that had been his problem more than he'd realized. He'd gotten awfully used to walking through his life instead of feeling it. That made it tough to know anything much of value, including God's presence.

You didn't give up on me and I thank You for it.

Thad gave Sunny more rein, but the mustang already knew where he was going, heading toward the falls, toward home.

 

In the bedroom she shared with Matilda, Noelle carefully poured the pitcher of warm water and measured the rise of the water level in the porcelain basin. The pitcher clinked gently onto the stand, and she felt the curls of heat from the water's surface against her face.

Happiness still strummed through her, and it was a good feeling, and a welcome change. She splashed water on her face and reached for the bottle of soft soap she liked so well. The lilac scent always reminded her of late spring, when the earth was warm and the sun's warmth a welcome friend.

She lathered and scrubbed and rinsed, going over the evening's events in her mind. Whatever God's purpose in all of this—her blindness, Thad's coming back to Angel Falls, his plans for a ranch and a home and a family starting to come to fruition—she could not know. She could only trust that He was bringing them both to the greatest good for their separate lives.

She patted her face dry in the soft towel and rehung it on the bar. Footsteps marched down the hall like a division of soldiers coming closer.

“Angelina!” Henrietta's voice echoed above the strike of her shoes. “I am shocked. Simply beside myself with agitation at what I've only just heard from your father.”

And what shocking behavior would it be this time? Noelle wondered as she sprinkled tooth powder onto her toothbrush. Knowing Angelina, it was bound to be most entertaining.

Robert's cane tapped after Henrietta. “Now, now, dear, it's not as bad as all that—”

“Not that bad?” Henrietta's outrage echoed in the corridor. “Caught smoking behind the outhouses! I cannot think of why Clarissa Bell would accuse you of such a thing!”

Poor Henrietta, Noelle thought in turn, for it was not easy being a general in charge of such troops. It took a lot of internal fortitude to stay in denial about Angelina's rebellion, which was not acceptable for a Worthington.

Matilda's steps padded a little heavier than usual down the hallways. “Uh, I don't know why Mama is going on about Miss Bell. You know that Angelina was smoking behind the outhouses. The more Mama refuses to see it, the more outrageous she behaves.”

Noelle heard a muted clunk, realizing that Tilly was carrying the warmed flatirons for their beds. She rinsed and dropped her toothbrush into her cup by the basin. “Henrietta loves her daughters so much, she cannot find a single flaw in any of you.”

How she wished she still had her own mother to do the same.

“Mama made comments all through dinner how she thought my wedding should be, much grander, of course, than Lanna's.” The bedclothes rustled and snapped. “Who does she think I'm going to marry? No one has ever come calling. I'm not exactly pretty like my sisters are.”

“You are lovely in your own way.”

“That's another way of saying that I'm plain.” She sighed deeply.

“No, dear heart, not at all.” Poor Matilda. Noelle remembered when she had been that naive and young—it had been like walking with her heart wide-open. Fairy-tale love could lift a girl right out of her shoes. She might have walked on thin air for the better part of her courtship with Thad—and probably had for half of this evening, too.

“I'm just starting to fear I'll have to live with my mother forever.” Tilly sighed again.

Noelle listened to the rustle and chink as the flatirons clinked into place. “I know what it is like to have a heart full of love to share and no one to give it to.”

“Perhaps we shall be old maids together. I'll read to you at night, and study from the Bible as we do now. I'll take care of you.”

“I would not wish such a fate for you, to take care of me. You deserve a good man to love you truly.” She went to her bedside table. “I owe you an apology, Tilly.”

“Whatever for?”

“I gave you some bad advice about Emmett Sims.” She pulled open the drawer and felt for her buttonhook. “I should have told you that I hope he feels the same way about you, and if he does, to hold on to that love and protect it from all things.”

“But I thought—”

“I told you that love is frail and not to place all your hopes on it, but there is nothing greater than love. The Bible tells us so. I think I'm finally understanding. God's love for us is not trifling or fleeting or simple. It is the greatest strength, the greatest loyalty, and it is complex. Love is the only thing strong enough to put your hope on.”

“Is that what you did once? With Thad?”

She had thought it was love—and Thad—at fault, but that was not true. As she unhooked one button and then the next, she thought of all that had happened, all that she had lost.

Oh, Papa, how could you have done such a thing? Her father's intervention and his stubborn will had changed her life. He had destroyed her one real chance at loving Thad. Now it would be forever too late. Thad was going on with his life. She had to go on with hers. Maybe Matilda would have a better experience.

“Don't give up hope, Tilly.” She started loosening her other shoe. “Perhaps we ought to have our next dress purchases delivered. What do you think?”

“Oh, Mama would not approve of that.”

“Spring is almost here. You might need a few new dresses and bonnets. I can arrange it when I'm in town next.”

“Oh, I would be too embarrassed. As much as I wish for it, I don't think Emmett Sims is interested in me.” Matilda, the dear she was, didn't sound sad, only wistful. Her bed ropes squeaked as if she had sat down on the edge of her mattress. “A few more years, and I'll be on the shelf. I'm never going to get married.”

I know the feeling. Noelle ached for her younger cousin. “I would hold out hope, if I were you. Something tells me that Mr. Emmett Sims might have noticed you.”

Tilly remained quiet, but there was hope in the air.

The floorboard outside the door gave a tiny squeak. Was it Angelina? Noelle wondered, as bare feet padded quietly into the room.

“Angelina!” Tilly scolded in a low voice. “You are not supposed to be out of bed. Didn't Mama just hand down a punishment?”

“Yes, but she's helping Papa, so she won't know that I'm out of bed unless you tell her.” Angelina's whisper floated closer.

Noelle felt the foot of her bed dip and turned toward her troublesome cousin. “Do you really think it's wise to smoke cigarettes? It's a poor choice for you for many reasons.”

“I know, but I was bored. I told Mama I didn't want to wear that frilly lacy dress. I looked like I was about to go to a convent. Or get
married.
” It took no imagination at all to see Angelina rolling her eyes. “She's really planning them, you know.”

“Planning what?” Matilda asked.

“Our weddings. Meredith and Lydia aren't home from finishing school yet, and she's almost planned a seven-course meal for each of them. And a string quartet, but not for dancing. She started to ask what I wanted, and that's when I needed a bit of fresh air.”

“You mean smoky air.” Noelle couldn't help jesting.

“Ha-ha.” Angelina was probably rolling her eyes again. “Noelle, you'll be the next to marry, anyhow.”

“
Me?
Why would you say such a thing?” She tugged off one shoe and then the other. “I'm the last woman any man would marry. Men are looking for a helpmate, not someone they have to steer around the parlor.”

She set the buttonhook inside the drawer, careful to keep a smile on her face. “Matilda's will be next.”

“Oh, I don't know.” Tilly's voice sparkled with humor. “We all thought Mr. McKaslin was rather devoted to you throughout the evening.”

“Devoted?” Angelina sounded equally as amused. “Now tell the truth, Tilly. That handsome cowboy of Noelle's isn't merely devoted. He is utterly in love with her. He is a courting man. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I would bet—”

“Don't bet, Ange,” Tilly argued.

“I would
bet,
” Angelina emphasized, her rebellious streak showing, “that he proposes before tomorrow is done.”

Noelle's jaw dropped and she sputtered for air. Thad, propose to her? For one brief instant, joy flooded her soul. Then drained away, leaving her in shadows.

No, he would need a wife who could help him with his dreams and not keep him from them. She remembered his plans for a wife, a wife who could cook, a wife who could tend children and, she figured, who could work alongside him with the horses.

It hurt, she couldn't say it didn't.

Somehow, she kept the smile on her face. “What an outrageous thing to say. Angelina.
This
is how you get into so much trouble.”

“What? I'm telling the truth. The way he looked at you wasn't like anything I have ever seen before. Tell her, Tilly.”

Matilda sighed. “I didn't want to mention it. I know it will make you sad. But it's true. All through the wedding ceremony and the dinner at the hotel, his gaze never faltered. He adores you, Noelle, and in the right way. The real way. The loving way that lasts forever and nothing can break.”

Noelle opened her mouth to argue.

Angelina was already talking. “He doesn't seem to mind that you can't see. Something like that doesn't stop true love.”

“What am I going to do with you two?” She could only shake her head, doing her best to hold down the sorrow that was hers alone. She was no longer an idealistic girl seeing romance and fanciful possibilities instead of practical, real life.

Somewhere deep inside her she wished she could.

“I hear voices, Matilda and Noelle!” Henrietta called from down the hall. “It's well past your bedtimes. In my day, a young lady was asleep before nine or it wasn't proper!”

“We'll say our prayers now, Mama,” Matilda promised earnestly over the nearly imperceptible pad and rustle of Angelina tiptoeing from the room.

Noelle pulled her nightgown from her bureau drawer, listening to the squeak of floorboards as Matilda knelt down to pray. There was a damp chill in the cold that crept through the walls and she shivered as she unbuttoned her bodice. She wondered if a change in the weather was coming.

Good. The sooner this snow melted, the quicker Thad could start building his dreams. For that was her most cherished dream, she realized as she stepped out of her dress and untied her petticoats. Her only dreams were now for him.

She was starting to see that life, like music, was a careful balance of melody and harmony, of sweeter notes and deeper ones. As she slipped her nightgown over her head and knelt beside her bed, she thanked the good Lord for both.

T
his had to be the best day of his life, family problems aside. His troubles at home seemed manageable from his current outlook, Thad thought as he dismounted in front of the Worthington stables. The sun was shining, he was the proud owner of a real fine spread and was carrying an engagement ring in his shirt pocket. Knowing that she would say yes just made it easier to feel on top of the world.

“Howdy there, McKaslin!” Eli Sims came through the open stable doorway to take Sunny's reins. “Good seein' ya. Looks like you beat the storm here.”

Thad hadn't noticed the dark clouds overhead. He was in too good a mood to let them trouble him now. “Guess so. How's things going for you here?”

“I can't thank you enough for finding me this job.”

“I'm glad it suits you.” Thad grabbed a package from his saddlebag before Eli could take Sunny in out of the cold. “How's that stallion treating you?”

“He's an ornery one. You come to work him some?”

Thad glanced up at the house, where wide windows glinted with lamplight. “Maybe in a bit. Has Noelle's last student of the day left yet?”

“Yep. Left a while back,” the young man called over his shoulder before he disappeared with Sunny into the shadowed aisle.

Nerves kicked his stomach. Slushy snow squished and skidded beneath his boots. He clutched the package, going over all the decisions he'd come to. He'd already run it past his ma. Normally he took Aiden into his confidence, but he suspected his older brother was still sour on love and marriage. Best to figure out how this was all going to work on his own.

Ma seemed to think moving into a little cottage next door to him was a fine idea. In fact, there had been no way she could have disguised her happiness at his plans. He knew she was unfulfilled with only gruff Aiden and independent Finn to mother. Hadn't she been spoiling him too much since he'd come home?

Surely Noelle wouldn't mind some of that spoiling. The nerves in his gut took another hard kick. At least, that's what he was hoping. Hadn't she liked the notion when they'd talked on the ride home last night?

Stop worrying, man. His pulse beat like a runaway train down a steep track with such force, he began to wheeze as he headed up the walkway. The brick stones were wet from snowmelt, as were the steps of the porch.

Noelle. He saw her through the window. She was sitting in an armchair near the hearth with sewing on her lap. Her chestnut hair was loose, framing her lovely face and tumbling over her shoulders. She was beauty itself in a rose-pink dress, looking like spring had come early to this hard land.

His spring.

First off, he had to stop wheezing so hard. He stood on the top step and drew in a calm breath. Now all he had to do was raise his fist and knock on the door and lay his heart, his pride, his dignity and his future on the line. Not a fearsome prospect at all, right?

Just knock. He did it, one knock was all he could manage. He waited, hoping—praying—someone had heard it. He took a step back and tried to buck up his courage for the next difficult event. One thing was for sure, he'd be feeling a whole passel better once she'd said yes and he could relax.

The door swung open and instead of the maid looking up at him, it was his Noelle. “Thad, is that you?”

“How did you know?”

“I recognized your gait and your knock.” She opened the door wider, waltzing backward a few steps, her rose-pink skirts swirling around her ankles. “Come in. My aunt took the girls to town, and Robert is out with Matilda for her first driving lesson.”

He managed to force his feet forward and into the warmth of the house, surprised his watery knees could hold him up so well. “You're here all alone?”

“Not exactly alone. Sadie's upstairs cleaning and Cook's in the kitchen. Would you like some tea? I'll call Sadie—”

“No.” Had she gotten lovelier overnight? He had never seen her so beautiful, but then he was biased. “No need to go to any fuss. I came to talk to you—”

“About the land sale.” Her smile dazzled him. “Come, sit and warm yourself by the fire and tell me everything.”

“It was good luck mostly.” He closed the door and followed her to the hearth. She moved with grace, as she always did, walking almost as if she saw where she was going. She caught the edge of the chair's arm with her fingertips and settled into it, waiting for his story expectantly.

He sank down into the chair opposite her. His damp boots squeaked once on the wood floor. Heat radiated over him like his dazzling love for her. His chest cinched so with powerful affection for her, he didn't see how he was going to be able to get the words out.

Maybe it was best to talk about the land sale, as she'd asked. “It's a stroke of luck that this section came up for sale. I've signed papers too fancy for me to read, and I still don't believe it.”

“It's not luck.” She said it with confidence. “That land was intended for you.”

Faith wasn't what he'd come to talk about, but it was the truth. It had to be the truth. The hard journey of the past five years had led him here, to this shining, shimmering hope. God had been watching over him after all. Knowing that gave him courage.

“I have something for you.” He placed the wrapped package into her hand. “It's for Valentine's Day.”

“
What?
No, this can't be—”

“It's for you.” She sure looked surprised. “Go on. Open it.”

“But, Thad I—”

“No arguments.” He was out of words, so he knelt before her. “Aren't you curious about your present?”

“All right.” Her fingertips inched across the spine of the volume. “Is it a
book?
”

Thad lifted it for her, because it was heavy. “You're thinking, this is an odd gift since you can't see to read, am I right?”

“I can have Matilda read it to me.” She unfolded the paper to reveal the black leather cover.

“No need for that.” He opened the thick vellum pages with care and slid the book onto her knees. “This is one book you can read. It's raised print. Go on, you can feel the title.”

“It's the Book of Psalms.” She turned toward him and it wasn't only tears that stood in her eyes. He saw her heart and her soul, all she was, all wrapped up in surprise and joy. “I love the psalms.”

“You always did.” It did him good to see her so happy. He loved her without end. He would do anything for her. The need to cherish and protect her left him iron-strong. Now all he had to do was ask the question, and she would be his. His intended, his fiancée for all the world to see, and soon enough, his wife.

His
wife.
That would have brought him to his knees, if he wasn't there already. “I remember how much you used to love to read, especially your Bible.”

“This is extremely thoughtful. And expensive.”

He brushed the tendrils away from her sweet face. “Go on, give it a try.”

Her sensitive fingertips skimmed over the top of the page and found the raised numeral. Her face brightened until all her heart shone sweetly. “It's the twenty-third psalm. I can feel the letters. Why, I can read them. ‘The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.'”

“How does it feel to be reading again?”

“It's an answered prayer.” Happiness filled her completely. “‘He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul.'”

“Glad you like it.”

“Like it?” This is—” She looked at him with tears in her eyes. “I don't know what it is. It's—just. Thank you.”

Those tears broke him open completely.

God, if you're listening, a little guidance would be a help.
Thad swallowed, not expecting to be heard for he knew the Lord was busy, but he asked anyway. He covered her hands with his, psalm book and all.

Noelle leaned closer to him, her unspoken question on her face. The soft gray daylight kissed her sweetly, or maybe it was his own love for her making her seem so dear, so perfect in all the ways that mattered.

“Noelle, some things have changed an awful lot in the five years since I've been gone. Surely both of us have.” He had to take a pause because his heart was beating as though he was running on a steep uphill slope.

“Thad, you sound so serious.”

“That's because I've never been more serious or more sure.” Nothing had mattered so much before this moment. He gathered up his strength and kept going. “I want the job of making you happy for our lifetimes to come. I want to be with you in those green pastures. Marry me.”

“What? What did you say?”

“Marry me, Noelle.” His tone was complete love and pure wonder. “Be my wife.”

“Wife?” She repeated the word blankly. Her mind was like a midnight fog. Nothing seemed to penetrate it. “You want to m-marry me?”

“You needn't sound quite so horrified,” he quipped. “This shouldn't come as a surprise. Isn't that what we talked about last night?”

“What talk?” Panic crept up her spine like hungry ants at a picnic. Noelle vaguely felt the book slide off her knee and heard the distant thunk as it hit the floor at her feet, but it was hard to notice anything beyond her fears. “Do you mean our talk on the sleigh ride home?”

“That would be the one.” His hands were comforting, his voice soothing. “I don't want you to be so distraught, sweetheart.”

“I—I—” She couldn't make any words come. The panic was crawling into her throat now, and a horrible sorrow taking root in her chest. A dark, agonizing sorrow.

“I love you.” His baritone broke through the sorrow. “Surely you know that I do.”

His love for her made it worse. She could hear Shelton's words echoing in the chambers of her mind.
You're damaged goods, now. What use are you?
Henrietta's loving reassurances after she'd woken up from the buggy accident.
I'll take care of you now. I'll never consider you a burden.
Well-intended words, but even Henrietta, her own father's sister, had used the word
burden.

“I was hoping,” Thad was saying, “that you'd come to love me, too.”

Love him? Love was too pale a word for the deep abiding devotion she held for him. “Y-you are supposed to marry someone else. Someone b-better.”

“Who could be better than you?” He said those words as if he could not see the problem.

Her dear, sweet, good-hearted Thad. Did he truly not understand? What did she say? She longed to throw caution and her very real concerns to the wind. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, accept his proposal and spend the rest of her life as his wife.

His wife.
Her soul soared at that very notion. Having the privilege to love and cherish and honor him day by day, year by year for the rest of her life felt like her heaven on earth. Sweet longing filled her with such force, it threatened to lift her right out of the chair.

And what about what Thad wanted?
Her joy faded. Her longing vanished. She had to keep her feet on the floor and tight hold of her common sense. A marriage between them would never work. Not if he wanted to realize his dream of running a ranch. She could not help him with that, not the way she once could.

That's what he hadn't realized, she thought. He was acting on his past feelings for her. He still viewed her as he did five long years ago when the world seemed full of possibilities and their love unshakable.

She knew better now. She was wiser. If her heart cracked into a million pieces, she had to ignore the pain of it. She had to do the right thing. The best thing for Thad.

And, yes, for her.

He broke the silence. “It shouldn't take you this long to say yes to marrying me. Not if you want me.”

She withdrew her hands from his—and her heart, too.

“You do love me, darlin'. Don't you?”

“Love isn't the question, Thad.” She sat very still, gathering up every bit of might she had and yet it wasn't enough.

“Then what is the question, darlin'?” So tender his words. So loving.

Sorrow dripped through her. “I c-can't marry you.”

“You sound so sure about that. Why not?”

Because I won't trade my dreams for yours, she ached to say. Because I don't want to be a burden to the one man I love beyond all else on this earth.

Her soul squeezed with pain, making every inch of her ache. She covered her face with her hands, unable to say the truth. Unable to bare herself so fully.

Not even Thad would understand. He would say all the right things, about how her blindness didn't matter to him, and that was not the truth. It couldn't be the truth.

She swallowed hard against the burn in her throat. He hadn't seen her real limitations yet. She had worked extremely hard to adapt to the constraints of her blindness, but he didn't know that. He only saw what she could do and not what she couldn't. She had to do the right thing for them both.