Horizons (28 page)

“Oh, dear,” Lil muttered under his breath, glancing at Jody half-asleep beside him.

“What is it? Are we home?”

“We’re here, and it looks like you’ve got some visitors.”

Jody sat up and shook his head, blinking awake. He’d slept most of the way, having had a little too much at the wine tasting. Lil had volunteered to swish and spit so that he’d be able to drive them home. It was a two-hour drive, so that had given Jody the little bit of time his body needed to filter some of the alcohol in his system. Nonetheless, he wasn’t exactly at his sharpest.

“What the hell do they want?” Jody asked when he finally realized that it was Jason and Mike, standing beside a black car.

“Why don’t we find out before we get all excited? Okay, sweetie?”

“Stop the car.”

“I am!”

Jody got out and marched over to where the boys stood against their vehicle. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Nice to see you too, Jody.”

Jody glared at both of them, waiting for a reply.

“We’re here to deliver a message.”

Jody snorted. “After six months of silence he sends messengers? Fuck that.” He spun away and headed into the house. The beer bottle was in his hand before Jason and Mike crossed the threshold. He didn’t bother to wait and offer them a drink but swallowed his in three gulps. He was surprised how quickly the anger came rushing back, but when he saw the twins, living reminders of the man he was trying to forget, he was assaulted by feelings he’d been trying to repress for months.

Lil walked in with Jason and Mike trailing behind him. “You still here?” Jody asked rudely.

“Look, we really need to talk to you,” Mike stammered.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Jody, let’s listen to what they have to say,” Lil suggested, trying to smooth over an awkward confrontation. “Why don’t you just tell us what you want?” Lil said, addressing the twins. “Jody and I share everything, so there’s no need for secrets.”

“Yeah, just spill it,” Jody sneered, taking another gulp and draining the bottle. “Hand me another beer, Lil.”

“Is there a reason Clark couldn’t deliver the message himself?” Lil asked politely, unlike his best friend, who was being belligerent and doing his best to be as obnoxious as possible.

“Clark’s been hurt. He’s in the hospital with a concussion.”

Jody stopped just as he was about to take another pull off his beer, and quickly asked, “Isn’t football season over? How’d he get hurt? Is he all right?” Concern outweighed his anger and he bombarded them with questions. “Tell me.”

“There was a fight,” Jason explained, “and Clark got hit in the back of the head. He’ll be okay; he just has to stay in bed for another twenty-four hours. He asked us to deliver this,” Mike said, shoving a small box at Jody.

“What’s in it?”

“I think he wrote you a note.”

Jody opened the box and saw the necklace that he’d given Clark almost two years ago, the twin to the one he had hanging around his neck. Seeing it brought a rush of tears, and he blinked at them, and walked out of the room so that he could read the note in private.

Jo-Jo
,
I don’t deserve it, but I beg you to meet me, so I can explain. I’m sending this necklace so you know this is really me, and not some sort of trap my father is setting. Bring it with you to the Shangri-La Motel in Sausalito, the one we stayed at last year. If you decide not to come, toss the necklace, ’cause I won’t be needing it anymore.

I’ll be waiting for you on Wednesday in the parking lot until eleven
o’clock at night. Please listen to the six o’clock news on Channel Two before you come
.

He’d signed the note “Kit,” which made it even more touching, and Jody angrily wiped the tears that trailed down his cheek. He pulled the necklace out of the box and placed it around his neck on top of the other one and made his way back to the kitchen.

“Tell your brother that you’ve delivered the message,” Jody announced, being a little bit more civil.

The men stood in unison, double visions of the man he’d been craving for months, and the feelings that he’d been trying to get rid of came rushing with such force he had to sit down to steady himself.

“Then I guess we’ll be going,” Jason said, reluctant to leave.

“Jody?”

“Yes?” Jody set his gaze on Mike, who was trying to say something but seemed to be struggling.

“He really loves you.”

Jody sighed loudly, then shook his head and waved Mike off. “Just go,” he said.

They left and Lil pulled out a chair. They sat in silence for at least five minutes.

“Are we going to talk about it?” Lil finally asked. “Or are we going to sit here all night, pretending they were never here?”

“He wants to meet me.”

“Well, I suppose that’s a good start. Where and when?”

“Lil, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t go through this again.”

“Jody, look at me.”

“What?”

“You still love him.”

“Of course I still love him! I’ll always love him, but it’s not enough,” Jody said almost desperately. “It wasn’t enough before, it won’t be enough again. I can’t compete with football and that world. I just can’t, Lil.”

“Won’t you at least listen to what he has to say?”

“I’ll just get sucked in; I won’t do it!”

“Where does he want to meet?”

“In Sausalito, at the motel we stayed at once before. We picked it because of the name, Shangri-La. This was when we thought that we could change the world and find utopia.”

“Sweetie, you can still find your utopia. It’s all a state of mind.”

“That’s bullshit, Lil, and you know it. There’s no room for queers in the NFL.”

“You’re making assumptions. You have no idea why he’s been silent all these months.”

“Why the fuck are you defending him? Weren’t you the one who told me that you could cheerfully castrate him?”

“Maybe I was wrong.”

“What drugs did you just take?”

“Oh, stop being so cynical, Jody. It doesn’t suit you.”

Jody stood abruptly and paced. “Look, I’m terrified, if you must know the truth. I’ve spent the past months in hell, and I’m just now getting to a point where I can stand to even open my eyes in the morning. I can’t backslide, Lil. If I let him into my heart again and he tramples it once more, I’ll never recover.”

“I understand.”

“Do you? Do you know what it’s like to die a little every day? Do you know how often I’ve wished that someone would just get a gun and put me out of my misery? I’ve been walking around with a broken heart for months, Lil, and it’s just now starting to scab over. You’re asking me to rip that scab off, knowingly, and watch me hemorrhage right in front of your eyes.”

“Sweetie, if you don’t go and listen to what he has to say, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You may as well buy the gun and do the deed.”

“I can’t make a decision right now. I need time to process this.”

“Would you like me to stay with you? I have vacation days that I can use.”

“Yes. I’ll call out as well.”

“Okay.”

Jody picked up his cell phone and another bottle of beer, intent on getting shit-faced.

L
IL
spent the next three days nursing Jody. His mood swings alternated between deep despair and giddy euphoria, now that Clark had contacted him. The crying jags were the worst. Lil had no idea how much Jody had suffered since the breakup, but the nightmares and bouts of weeping were a good clue.

He’d been with Jody throughout Rick’s illness, witnessed how he dealt with his death, and although the sorrow was deep, there was a certain amount of relief in knowing that his lover no longer suffered, and had moved on to a better place.

This scenario was completely different. Apparently, Lil had only seen the tip of the iceberg over the past few months. Now he was seeing it all, every layer and pretense stripped away, and he was shocked at the depth of love that was consuming his friend. By the third day, both of them were exhausted.

“Sweetie, that’s it! We’re calling an end to this pity party.”

“I guess so. I don’t have any tears left.”

“You need to get in the shower and get ready to go. You’re supposed to meet him tonight. How long will it take you to get there?”

“I didn’t say I was going.”

“Get in the fucking bathroom! You need to shave and shower; you reek, and I’ll be damned if you go to your assignation looking like shit.”

“Assignation? You’re making this sound like
Casablanca
.”

“It may as well be. It’s all so mysterious and melodramatic; so perfectly gay,” Lil said with a huge smile. “Come on, baby. Lighten up a little. You’re about to see the beautiful one after months of him missing in action.”

“Oh God.”

“Oh no, you don’t,” Lil commanded. “No more crying! Shower, now!”

By the time Jody had finished getting ready, it was almost six o’clock in the evening. He’d changed shirts three times before he finally settled on a simple blue T-shirt that showed off the nicely shaped torso he’d formed over the past many months. His nerves were completely shot, and he kept hyperventilating whenever he’d imagine the different scenarios that might play out when he came face to face with Clark. Yoga and breathing exercises helped to calm him down, but he was very much on the edge.

Lil turned on the TV, just as the familiar music of the Channel Two news team came on. He’d made them both sandwiches and they sat, side by side, to see what was so important.

It was the usual pair of announcers, droning on about all the good and bad news that had occurred that day. In the middle of the broadcast, one of them was handed a slip of paper, and he read it and looked at his partner and said, “Well, John, this is certainly a first.”

“What is?” the other man replied.

“Ladies and gentlemen, here’s some breaking news from the sports desk. It seems that potential first-round draft pick Clark Stevens of the University of California at Berkeley has made an announcement that may or may not affect his chances at the draft.”

“What did he announce?”

“Clark informed every owner in the NFL, via a certified letter, that he’s gay. He says he won’t play the sport without the man he loves by his side.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. The
man
he loves!”

“Well, this is definitely newsworthy. Almost as exciting as Edward the Eighth, abdicating the throne of England for the woman he loves.”

“Well, it’s not quite the same, but it’s certainly significant.”

“I’ll say. Isn’t this the guy that could make twelve million dollars by signing on the dotted line?”

“The very same.”

“So why is his announcement so significant? This is a new century, after all, and we’re a much more tolerant society. Equal rights for everyone, right?”

Jody jumped to his feet, ignoring the plate of food that tumbled off his lap and the spilt drink that bathed the carpet. He didn’t hear Lil screeching in surprise or pay any attention to whatever else was being said about Clark’s career and the heaps of money he might be giving up. All he could focus on was that one sentence.
He won’t play without the man he loves by his side.

“What time is it?” he said, grabbing Lil by the arms and dragging him off the sofa.

“What, honey?”

“What time is it?” Jody yelled frantically, his face was flushed and he seemed to have trouble breathing.

“Jody, sweetie, you need to calm down! Isn’t that the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?”

“Lil? Please, where the fuck are my car keys? And the necklace? Where’s Clark’s necklace?”

Lil grabbed Jody and hugged him tightly. “Deep breaths, baby. Both necklaces are around your neck. Your car keys are on the table, and your jacket is right here.” He pulled away from Jody, picked up the leather jacket, and handed it to him.

“Thank you,” Jody said, taking the jacket. He was blown away by this turn of events and quite sure he was dreaming, but the smile that was plastered on Lil’s face was too genuine to doubt. “Did he really out himself on national TV?”

“Hell yes!” Lil gushed, pushing Jody toward the front door. “He so fucking loves you!”

T
HE
waiting was killing me. It was nine o’clock and I wondered what was keeping him. Maybe he wasn’t coming after all. Did he get the message? Did he watch the news? I’d opted to wait in my car instead of the room I’d reserved, to make sure I didn’t miss him. A black Audi cruised by slowly. I didn’t recognize the vehicle, but I sure as heck recognized that license plate. PROUD2B
.
For the first time in this long and twisted journey, I understood the significance of those words.

I got out of my car and waited for him to pull up alongside of me. We were in the parking lot of the Shangri-La and the lights were pretty dim. He looked tired and fidgeted with his key fob nervously. His hair was longer than I remembered, but the eyes were the same, and the spark of desire that flared when they scoped my body was all the reassurance I needed. I’d never been happier to see anyone in my life.

“You look like shit,” Jody said. “What did you do to your head?”

I snorted out a laugh. I must have looked like a casualty of war, with the lump on my head and the bruising around my neck. “You don’t look so hot yourself,” I countered.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I had a run-in with an immovable object.”

“So what else is new?” He moved forward, never taking his gaze off my face. When he was a few feet away, he tilted his head back and said, “Why’d you do it?”

“I didn’t do it for you, Jo. I did it for me.”

“Good answer,” he whispered.

His gaze burned through me. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed him until he stood in front of me. His soft brown eyes sparkled with unshed tears, and I wanted to drown myself in his embrace, to kiss away the hurt that I’d caused, but I had to answer his question. I had to make him understand. “I did it for me, Jo-Jo, because it was time I came to terms with who I am. The public outing was my gift to you, to prove how much I love you.”