Horrid Henry Wakes the Dead (5 page)

“Parents, behave!” shouted Mrs. Oddbod. “What an exciting show we have for you today! You will be amazed at all the talents in this school. First Clare will recite Pi, which as you all know is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter, to 31 significant figures!”

“3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279,” said Clever Clare.

Sneering Simone made a few notes.

“Boring,” shouted Horrid Henry. “Boring!”

“Shhh,” hissed Miss Battle-Axe.

“Now, Gurinder, Linda, Fiona, and Zoe proudly present: the cushion dance!”

Gorgeous Gurinder, Lazy Linda, Fiery Fiona, and Zippy Zoe ran on stage and placed a cushion in each corner. Then they skipped to each pillow, pretended to sew it, then hopped around with a pillow each, singing:

“We’re the stitching queens

dressed in sateen,

we’re full of beans,

see us preen,

as we steal…the…scene!”

Sneering Simone looked surprised. Tee-hee, thought Horrid Henry gleefully. If everyone’s talents were as awful as that, he was a shoe-in for
Talent Tigers
.

“Lovely,” said Mrs. Oddbod. “Just lovely. And now we have William, who will play the flute.”

Weepy William put his mouth to the flute and blew. There was no sound.

William stopped and stared at his flute. The mouth hole appeared to have vanished.

Everyone was looking at him. What could he do?

“Toot toot toot,” trilled William, pretending to blow. “Toot toot toot—waaaaaah!” wailed William, bursting into tears and running off stage.

“Never mind,” said Mrs. Oddbod, “anyone could put the mouthpiece on upside down. And now we have…” Mrs. Oddbod glanced at her paper, “a caveman Ugga Ugg dance.”

Stone-Age Steven and Beefy Bert stomped on stage wearing leopard-skin costumes and carrying clubs.

“UGGG!” grunted Stone-Age Steven. “UGGG UGGG UGGG UGGG UGGG! Me caveman!”

STOMP CLUMPA CLUMP

STOMP CLUMPA CLUMP

stomped Stone-Age Steven.

STOMP CLUMPA CLUMP

STOMP CLUMPA CLUMP

stomped Beefy Bert.

“UGGA BUG UGGA BUG UGG UGG UGG,” bellowed Steven, whacking the floor with his club.

“Bert!” hissed Miss Battle-Axe. “This isn’t your talent! What are you doing on stage?”

“I dunno,” said Beefy Bert.

“Boo! Boooooo!” jeered Horrid Henry from backstage as the cavemen thudded off.

Then Moody Margaret and Sour Susan performed their rap:

“Mar-garet, ooh ooh oooh

Mar-garet, it’s all true

Mar-garet, best of the best

Pick Margaret, and dump the rest.”

Rats, thought Horrid Henry, glaring. My rap was so much better. What a waste. And why was the audience applauding?

“Booooo!” yelled Horrid Henry. “Boooooo!”

“Another sound out of you and you will not be performing,” snapped Miss Battle-Axe.

“And now Soraya will be singing ‘You Broke My Heart in 39 Pieces,’ accompanied by her mother on the piano,” said Mrs. Oddbod hastily.

“Sing out, Soraya!” hissed her mother, pounding the piano and singing along.

“I’m singing as loud as I can,” yelled Soraya.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! went the piano.

Then Jolly Josh began to saw “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on his double bass.

Sneering Simone held her ears.

“We’re next,” said Horrid Henry, grabbing hold of his billboard and whipping off the cloth.

Perfect Peter stared at the billboard. It read:

Il Stupendioso, world’s greatest magician played by Henry

Magic by Henry

Costumes by Henry

Props by Henry

Sound by Henry

Written by Henry

Directed by Henry

“But Henry,” said Peter, “where’s my name?”

“Right here,” said Horrid Henry, pointing.

On the back, in tiny letters, was written:

Assistant: Peter

“But no one will see that,” said Peter.

Henry snorted.

“If I put your name on the
front
of the billboard, everyone would guess the trick,” said Henry.

“No they wouldn’t,” said Peter.

Honestly, thought Horrid Henry, did any magician ever have such a dreadful helper?

“I’m the star,” said Henry. “You’re lucky you’re even in my show. Now shut up and get in the coffin.”

Perfect Peter was furious. That was just like Henry, to be so mean.

“Get in!” ordered Henry.

Peter put on his skeleton mask and climbed into the coffin. He was fuming.

Henry had said he’d put his name on the billboard, and then he’d written it on the back. No one would know he was the assistant. No one.

The lights dimmed. Spooky music began to play.

“Ooooooooohhhh,” moaned the ghostly sounds as Horrid Henry, wearing his special long black robes studded with stars and a special magician’s hat, dragged his coffin through the curtains onto the stage.

“I am Il Stupendioso, the great and powerful magician!” intoned Henry. “Now, Il Stupendioso will perform the greatest trick ever seen. Be prepared to marvel. Be prepared to be amazed. Be prepared not to believe your eyes. I, Il Stupendioso, will wake the dead!!”

“Ooohh,” gasped the audience.

Horrid Henry swept back and forth across the stage, waving his wand and mumbling.

“First I will say the secret words of magic. Beware! Beware! Do not try this at home. Do not try this in a graveyard. Do not—” Henry’s voice sank to a whisper—“do not try this unless you’re prepared for the dead…to walk!” Horrid Henry ended his sentence with a blood-curdling scream. The audience gasped.

Horrid Henry stood above the coffin and chanted:

“Abracadabra,

flummery flax,

voodoo hoodoo

mumbo crax.

Rise and shine, corpse of mine!”

Then Horrid Henry whacked the coffin once with his wand.

Slowly, Perfect Peter poked a skeleton hand out of the coffin, then withdrew it.

“Ohhhh,” went the audience. Toddler Tom began to wail.

Horrid Henry repeated the spell.

“Abracadabra,

flummery flax,

voodoo hoodoo

mumbo crax.

Rise and shine, bony swine!”

Then Horrid Henry whacked the coffin twice with his wand.

This time Perfect Peter slowly raised the plastic skull with a few tufts of blond hair glued to it, then lowered it back down.

Toddler Tom began to howl.

“And now, for the third and final time, I will say the magic spell, and before your eyes, the body will rise. Stand back…”

“Abracadabra,

flummery flax,

voodoo hoodoo

mumbo crax.

Rise and shine, here is the sign!”

And Horrid Henry whacked the coffin three times with his wand.