How to Be Black (12 page)

2.
Confrontation:
“What? Are you asking me because I'm black?? You know we don't all think alike, right?”

3.
Answer the question:
“Honestly, I am a bit disappointed with President Obama. I'd still vote for him, but I feel let down in a number of ways and think he hasn't been a strong enough advocate for working people.”

Which option did you choose?

Let's review the possibilities.

Option 1 (avoidance) is a passive and polite way of telling someone to fuck off. You preserve a cordial and professional work environment and also manage to avoid getting any deeper into the subject. By pivoting the conversation back to work matters, you've effectively dodged the bullet. If you chose Option 1, you did well. This is an acceptable choice. If you're feeling generous that day, you could use the same deflective response but then add, “What do
you
think?” This will give your white colleagues the opening to express themselves they were hoping for. Whether you choose to listen to what he or she has to say is completely discretionary.

Option 2 (confrontation) is a risky move because it puts your coworkers on the defensive, and no one wants to be in that place. You're one step short of calling someone a racist, which is a far worse crime than actual racism. However, it's also a guaranteed method of drawing a clear boundary, and it discourages any similar inquiries in the future. If you choose the path of confrontation and rejection, you won't be the most liked employee, but being left alone leaves you time to focus on Job #1. Remember, you love research. If you chose Option 2, you did well. People will be less likely to engage you in office small talk of any kind, but that's likely a benefit when you consider the fact that every ten minutes of office small talk takes one year off of your life. If you are overly concerned about your coworkers' feelings, Option 2 is still available to you. Just make sure you deliver your response with a smile, maybe even a little laugh. Folks love happy black people, even when those black people are dissing them.

Option 3 (honesty) is a classic mistake. If you chose this, you have failed the exercise. Read carefully to understand why. You probably thought that by being honest, you were giving your coworker the benefit of the doubt. You're a good person, and that's a lovely way to live, on occasion, but under no circumstances should you tell your white coworkers what you actually think about a race-related matter! This leads to them sharing their own ideas, which leads to you getting upset, which leads to them wanting to talk about it even more, which leads to you getting even more upset. It's a vicious cycle, which likely ends in you storming out in the middle of a conference call, singing the Black National Anthem at the top of your lungs, and boarding the next flight to South Africa.

Even if your honesty in this case doesn't lead you to start roommate-hunting on Craigslist Johannesburg, answering the question with your true thoughts sends a signal to your white coworkers that you're down to play this game. Before long, you'll be on the receiving end of every black-related thought in the office, no matter how tenuous the connection:

“So, I was thinking of checking out this Ethiopian restaurant on Saturday. Have you heard anything about it?”

“I think it's so tragic the way the kids at that pool were discriminated against. Can you believe some people still think that way? I mean, it's the twenty-first century!”

“How do you get your hair to do that?? It's so cute! Can I touch it?”

By being too accommodating in some aspects of the implicit Job #2, you leave no time to do the explicit Job #1 and risk your position at the company. It's much less costly to avoid saying anything that commits you to a position (Option 1) or risk mildly hurting people's feelings but protecting your sanity (Option 2).

The Diversity Committee

Many U.S. companies understand the value of having a diverse workplace. They rightly believe that a variety of voices helping to shape their goods and services makes the entire enterprise more accessible to the increasingly diverse American consumer market. In order to demonstrate their commitment to this noble end, these companies create committees, diversity committees. Part A of Job #2 was all about your representing your people. By hiring you, the company really got all black people! Part B is about defending the company against charges of racism or lack of diversity, and your membership on the company's diversity committee is essential to fulfilling this job requirement.

The primary functions of the diversity committee are to establish meetings, generate reports, and use the word “diversity.” A sample description might look like this:

Here at Optimus Research Group, we believe in three things: maximizing shareholder value, providing an exciting environment for professional development, and diversity. We heart diversity. Diversity is a core value and has been since our founding. The diversity committee embraces a diverse definition of diversity and seeks to provide programs and other opportunities that encourage knowledge of and respect for diversity. This includes, but is not limited to, race, gender, religion, age, sexual orientation, ethnicity, geography, socioeconomic background, taste in music, hairstyles, language, preferred airline, mental health status, body size, and mobile phone service provider.

The world is an increasingly diverse place, and to remain competitive, we must actively embrace a diverse mind-set in order to best tackle the diverse challenges ahead. With a diverse approach to diversity management, Optimus Research Group is positioned not just to survive in the changing marketplace but to thrive, becoming industry thought leaders on diversity.

As such, the diversity committee is responsible for leading efforts to proactively spread the values of diversity throughout the organization and meets monthly to ensure such projects are on track. The diversity committee will also create a task force to respond to any diversity issues raised by members of the diversity committee or other employees. The committee reports to the board of directors annually.

Remember, diversity is not a destination. It's a journey! So let's get on board!

Members of the Diversity Committee

The diversity committee is made up of a diverse set of people representing the strength of Optimus Research Group's commitment to diversity. The committee consists of five committed individuals.

Chair: Bob Bobson, CEO

Bob, who goes by “Bob” around the office, is the company CEO. He has always valued diversity and is known throughout the office for the diversity of ties he wears to work! His presence on the diversity committee is a symbolic and substantive testament to Optimus Research Group's commitment to diversity. Bob has two black friends and once ate a spicy meal at an Indian restaurant.

Vice Chair for Committee Diversity: Jennifer Claymore, HR Director

As the diversity committee's vice chair for diversity, Jen's role is to ensure diversity on the diversity committee. She assesses the committee's diversity on a quarterly basis using a diverse set of criteria. Jen loves world music.

Vice Chair for Diversity Outreach: Elaine Chu, Diversity Officer

Elaine joined Optimus Research Group because she has a passion for research matched only by her passion for diversity. With a Doctorate in Diversity Arts from Diversity University, Elaine brings a sophisticated and forward-thinking perspective on diversity matters. Elaine Chu is Asian.

Vice Chair for Diversity Task Force Creation: Doug Robinson, Senior Associate

Doug is responsible for the formation and organization of the committee's task forces in a manner consistent with the company's core value of diversity. Task forces Doug is most proud of include the Cinco de Mayo Task Force, the Remembering the Dream Task Force, and the Task Force Realignment Task Force. Doug is a big fan of
The Wire
.

Vice Chair for Applied Diversity: [Your Name Here], Research Associate

If your company does not have a diversity committee, congratulations,
you
are the diversity committee! Beyond your diversity committee membership, you must be active in at least two additional company activities to meet your Job #2 responsibility to protect the company against charges of racism:

The company photo

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you. And certainly don't think about hiding out in the background. Your face has to be clearly visible. There's even a chance you will be captured in these images if you don't work for the company. You might have gotten off the elevator at the wrong floor and wandered around only to discover later that you are the face of Optimus Research Group. Check the website to be sure this is not the case.

Recruiting

You are going to the career fair. All career fairs. This is nonnegotiable. You exist as physical proof to prospective employees that the company is actually diverse, and you will have to interact with job-seekers so they can see that you are real and not simply an advanced animatronic mannequin. But, if you come across a smart-mouthed kid who insists he's not interested because Optimus does work for the Defense Department, and “he doesn't want to kill people,” don't bother trying to convince him otherwise. Even bringing over a higher-ranking white colleague won't do the trick. Just move on.

Office Socializing

You've repped your race. You've made the company look diverse. You're not finished with Job #2 yet. Fulfilling Part C (increase the coolness of the office environment by enthusiastically participating in company events) may prove to be the most emotionally and physically exhausting. Many people in The Black Employee role like to pretend there is no Part C and attempt to live two completely separate lives. This may describe you. You figure you can be one person at the office during the day and return to a more comfortable environment where you can be a different person at night, shunning all opportunities to socialize with your coworkers. Certainly it is understandable, especially if you are actively engaged in Blackness Parts A and B, that you would feel that you've done enough. You haven't.

Daytime activities

This is relatively easy. There will be office birthday parties, celebrations of promotions, and modest gatherings to cheer the achievement of big business milestones. Your job is just to be there. For extra points, smile and look like you're enjoying yourself. Maybe even crack a joke! Your comfort is in the back of nearly everyone's mind, so if you can put them at ease by acting like you really want to be there, you'll be doing an excellent job of being The Black Employee.

After-hours socializing

Depending on your own background and life experiences, this may or may not be new to you, but after an eight-to-twelve-hour day, white office workers often don't feel like they've spent enough time with each other. Therefore, they are prone to organizing pseudo-official company activities such as bowling or happy hour. If you are invited, you should make the occasional effort to go. Continually declining this invitation will slowly lead to your being cut off from all advancement opportunities. Whereas, if you say yes, you will make your coworkers so happy! You will also get valuable inside dirt on company politics, business affairs, and general gossip. It may feel petty, but your prospects in Job #1 (remember, that research associate position you love so much?) can be heavily influenced by your performance in Job #2, often in subtle ways. What I'm saying is, go out drinking with your coworkers from time to time. Your job doesn't stop when you leave the building.

The company holiday party

This is not as simple as the prior activities. In fact, I want you to pause right now. Take a deep breath. Stand up. Stretch a little. Maybe walk around the room you're in and focus your eyes on something in the distance before resuming this lesson. The company holiday party is no joke, and much will be expected of you. If you don't bring your A-game, all that you've gained from faithful execution of the advice mentioned could be placed in serious jeopardy.

A company holiday party is a perfect storm of factors that include the presence of:

• Non-employees, including spouses, significant others, and dates

• Food and beverage, especially alcohol

• Possible music and dancing

Each of these provides an opportunity for you to fly or fumble, so you must approach the night with your eyes wide-open.

Your date

The first thing you must consider is whom to bring with you. You know your coworkers better than your prospective date. How will your date interact with them? Will he or she fit in, get by, or actually cause some sort of ruckus? Does he or she work in a similar environment and thus have the experience and wisdom to deal with what nightmares may come? It's better to attend alone than bring someone wholly unprepared, who might, for example, mouth off to your boss about how you “really” feel about the company or let slip your plans to leave for another company. That said, having an ally present who fully understands you can be a great asset, so my advice is bring someone if you have someone to bring, but give this person a comprehensive briefing before you throw him or her into a potential combat situation.

Your food

Often these events are catered, and if you're in the job long enough you will face a food choice dreaded by black people since breaking the Corporate America color line: whether or not to eat the watermelon. First of all, don't panic. I know what it's like. You're not alone. Many more like you have survived this situation, so have faith in yourself and your people. Now, take a closer look. Is it the only fruit? Is it arranged on its own plate adjacent to other segregated fruits? Is it mixed in with a fruit salad? Again, take a brief moment. Smile at the person across from you in the buffet line. We're going to get through this together.