How to Be Black (15 page)

By running for president, you're demonstrating that you see politics, not violent revolution, as the appropriate arena for addressing these issues. You cause mainstream minds to pause and say, “Whoa, check it out. Black person's running for president again. Black person hasn't given up on her country. How 'bout that? We got another chance after all!”

Far more than a politician or candidate, you are a symbol, and symbols are powerful.

This worked really well for Obama and can probably be used one more time to great effect. You don't have to explicitly say you will heal the racial divide. The better you do in your campaign, the more people will assume you are the healer for whom we've been waiting. Here, a balancing act is required. On the one hand, avoid explicitly accepting the responsibility of Racial Healer. Obama made this mistake, holding inaugural events in the shadows of Dr. King, invoking the memories of the Civil Rights Movement, speaking all inspirationally and stuff. To appear to embrace the Racial Healer role openly would invite criticisms about your arrogance. On the other hand, do not go out of your way to deny it, either. Your electoral success depends on significant numbers of people projecting their intimate hopes and aspirations onto your campaign. Having an effective campaign message and strategy is great. Making millions of dreams come true is much better. The best marketing minds in corporate America have figured this out. Just let it happen.

The black problem

I'm not going to dance delicately around this. Do not mention black people.

If you truly and unavoidably feel you must, speak of them as a parent to a child requiring discipline. The freedom with which you're allowed to mention black people depends heavily on what you are saying. If you are criticizing black behavior or calling on black people to do more for themselves, you can spend all day and all night talking about black people. America loves to hear leaders demanding that folks do more to better themselves.

Just be sure to avoid implying that any collective effort is required to help one group of people improve their situation. Americans believe strongly in the myth of rugged individualism and self-made superstars. Don't undermine this belief by bringing up group grievances. (Of course, if you're a conservative candidate, your entire platform consists of this message.) You can't get by with telling folks, “God helps those who help themselves,” alone. You've got to speak to various interest groups and convince them that you understand their problems and have their back.

With most groups, this will not pose any problems. You should feel free to highlight the challenges you see and solutions you have in mind for women, Latinos, Jews, Asians, farmers, students, small-business owners, Christians, artists, technologists, cobblers, medical practitioners, chimney sweeps, and Nate Walsh of Dayton, Ohio.

However, you cannot come right out and make promises to black voters in public. It's what white people expect and fear, so you have to be extremely careful in how you refer to your own people. Any time you're talking about issues that especially affect black Americans, try to couch it in a more universal light. For example, use the term “middle class.” Very few people can criticize you for promising to help the middle class, because in America, everyone sees him- or herself as middle-class. Millionaires think they are middle-class. The three-years-unemployed real estate broker thinks of herself as middle-class as well. “Middle class” is the great normalizing phrase of our time. On the other hand, if you say “Black Americans,” white people will know exactly whom you mean, and your cover will be blown.

Under special circumstances, you
can
refer to “urban communities,” but for God's sake be careful. It is a cloaking device with very limited power. In the late 1990s, radio stations started changing their descriptions from “black” to “urban” programming, but nothing else changed, just the label. “Urban” has a softer sound than “black.” “Urban” makes people feel like they are on a mildly risky but ultimately safe municipal safari. “Black” makes them lock their car doors. The more the term “urban” is used, though, the more people figure out what you're really saying.

Hire lots of white people on your campaign staff

You want a staff that is going to put America at ease and present you as a non-threat. The best way to do this is with lots and lots of white people, just hordes of them. Visitors to your campaign headquarters should find white people pouring out of every opened door or drawer, spilling onto the floor like bubbles from a malfunctioning washing machine. White people love to listen to other white people, and seeing large groups of enthusiastic black people is unnerving.

Don't be too self-confident

People love a leader with confidence, but as a black presidential candidate you have to walk a delicate line between calling attention to your talents and portraying the humble, reluctant public servant. Black people who think too much of themselves are a turn-off, so try to avoid coming across that way.

Expect haters from all sides

Keep a copy of your birth certificate on your body at all times, even in the shower. Use Ziploc bags and Velcro to make sure you never drop it. President Obama made the mistake of thinking that newspaper records, the word of the State of Hawaii, and common sense would eventually prevail over rumors that he was born during a celebration of the Fourth Intifada in the fiery pit of Mount Doom, somewhere in the Marxist Russian province of Kenya. You cannot afford such distractions. A permanently visible birth certificate hanging around your neck, open to inspection by any white American citizen at any time, should do the trick. To be safe, also run a high-definition video loop of your live birth in a special section of your campaign website. The video should contain a clear shot of that day's newspaper as well as a verifiably American city skyline in the background.

Meanwhile, be prepared for some black people to claim that you are not black enough, because of your appeal to large numbers of non-blacks. For these people, part of the very definition of blackness is being shut out of the corridors of power. Once a black person gets inside, he or she necessarily loses their all-access pass to the black community. I advise you to ignore these particular black people.

You might not win

You don't have to win to have an effect. It helps if you raise a decent amount of money and place well during the primaries, hold your own in the debates, and so forth. But you win a symbolic victory just by putting your hat in the ring. Feel good about this. You're basically a candidate for America's Black Friend (move over, Denzel!), and we all know what a racial-divide-healing and important role that is.

But If You Do Win . . .

Congratulations! You've made it. You followed the playbook above and improvised as the situation demanded, and now you are the top employee in the United States federal government. Let's get to work. Here's your assignment if you want to keep this shiny new job of yours.

Reach out to your worst enemies

As with the campaign, you cannot show favoritism to your race or even to your party. The best way to maintain this impression is to regularly talk up the value of your political opponents. Meet with them. Refer to their “good ideas” in your speeches. Make a big show of reaching across the aisle. Remember, if you fail to preside with enough humility, you will be seen as The Angry Negro, and you can't hold that job and this one at the same time.

Be cool

This shouldn't be too hard, because America generally thinks black people are cool. Just ride the wave, even if you can't dance.

Don't change too many things

Fortunately for you, the president isn't nearly as powerful as the public assumes, and the wheels of government turn slowly if they turn at all. Still, you want to be careful not to rush too many changes through. Try not to forget that
you
are the change, and a pretty big one at that. You are the
second black president
! The first black president could have been a fluke. There are always voting machine errors and irrational exuberance to explain that away. After Obama, a number of people in this country will be relieved and ready to return to “regular” presidents. A second black president means people know what they were doing. The second black president is actually the first black president! Just remember the lessons of Obama, and do not ask the country to accept you as president along with your campaign agenda. It's a big pill to swallow just to have a black president. Having a black president who actually does what he or she campaigned for is taking things a bit far. Don't be greedy.

Occasionally remind the country that you aren't really that black

You cannot overestimate the degree to which your presidency threatens millions of citizens. They are waiting for you to show that you're out for racial revenge, and avoiding black issues and direct eye contact with black people just is not enough to satisfy folks. Your avoidance of direct “black issues” during the campaign was a good start, but you're going to have to show the American people you mean business when you're president as well.

I'm not saying you can't actually do things. I'm saying you have to be very careful about how you do them. If you want to address educational outcomes, criminal justice, wealth disparity, teen pregnancy, that's all well and good, but when you give your big speeches (yes, you're going to have to give lots of big inspirational speeches, because Obama set the bar pretty high), you cannot come right out and say you want to address these issues. It's terrifying to the majority.

To limit that fear, every once in a while, you're going to have to sacrifice one of your own. This will show those most fearful of your power that you're not
that
black of a president. It's a test, just like the one Job faced when God allowed Satan to test his faith. A lot of innocent people died in the Book of Job, but he passed the test and got a book in the Bible named after him. Don't you want that?

At the first sign that the opposition is targeting a black member of your administration (and they will), you have to execute the person. Obama could get away with “distancing” himself from some and “letting go” of others. For you, the bar is higher. Of course you're busy, so you can't be responsible for all the staffing and un-staffing decisions, but just make sure there is a clear, zero-tolerance policy in your administration for defending black administration officials, and keep a firing squad or electric chair in some corner of the White House. Defending black government employees is tantamount to igniting a race war, and that is exactly the opposite of why you were elected.

Undoubtedly, incidents of a racial nature will occur on your watch, and you will be tempted and expected to comment on them. Avoid this instinct. Remain silent on the most intense racial issues. Occasionally you can comment but do so in a more symbolic fashion, perhaps by inviting the aggrieved parties to your home for a beverage, awkward conversation, and photo ops.

Be perfect

Black people in general are under the microscope. Black people who have the power to launch drone strikes in foreign lands are under even more scrutiny. Millions are looking for an excuse to oust you, and making mistakes, no matter how small, gives them ammunition. So do yourself a favor. Use spell-check, floss regularly, know the answers to every problem in the universe, and be perfect. Simple.

Initiate the plan for reparations, white slavery, and radical social and economic transformation

For some segment of White America, you will never be American. You will never be a legitimate president, despite the fact that you've placed a high-definition streaming video loop of your live American birth on the homepage of whitehouse.gov. They are convinced that you are a threat and are waiting for you to come out and publicly reveal your true agenda. Fortunately for you, I've figured out just what that is.

All of the previous advice was about creating the impression that you are not in the White House as an expression of black rage and revenge. That is a feint. You are exactly what your enemies fear. You are about revenge on white Americans. Woohoo!

Now, even with the powerful title of president, you have to be circumspect in how you initiate the revolution. Declaring martial law and sending troops into white neighborhoods, forcing interracial gay marriages and liberating every single black prisoner would be swift, but would also trigger certain resistance and make our work much more difficult.

No, what you need to do is implement policies that could not possibly be connected to your plans for total race war, policies like even more expanded health-care coverage, radical financial markets reform, and infrastructure projects like high-speed rail. Of course, behind the scenes, each of these is part of your larger plan to destroy White America.

By expanding health-care coverage further, you expose more white Americans to doctors, doctors who can administer drugs, drugs you can contaminate with powerful mind-control compounds that will allow you to hijack the minds of millions of white Americans without suspicion.

By claiming to rein in the out-of-control financial system, what you're really doing is installing backdoor computer systems into the bank accounts of every hardworking, red-blooded white American (blacks will be exempt from the electronic banking Trojan horses). Any white citizen who dares to criticize your policies faces the threat of a highly targeted financial bomb. You can destroy their credit rating, sell off their stock holdings, or trump up evidence that they've purchased child pornography online. Those who escape the mind-control doctors will be hesitant to resist when faced with such digital economic catastrophe.

As a last resort, you will of course be forced to build concentration camps to house members of what remains of the White Resistance. It is an unfortunate necessity, but do not shy away from it. This is why you were really elected, and being president is about making and following through on tough decisions. Besides, you've already installed the banking hacks. Don't back down now. Your economic re-stimulus provided the cover you needed to build the camps under the guise of “construction jobs that cannot be outsourced” (nice job playing to nationalistic instincts, btw), and high-speed rail provides a clean, efficient transportation system to move millions of whites in and out of the camps as the labor farms demand.