How to Forgive Even When You Can't Forget

How to Forgive

Even When You Can’t
Forget™

Heal Your Heart, Free Your Attention
and Move On.

Revision 1.01 -
12/17/2009

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Foreword

When I first had the idea to
develop a subliminal audio CD for forgiveness I had no idea how big
the topic would turn out to be. I realized that, especially when it
comes to fulfilling your goals and dreams in life, most people will
never get there because they've focused their attention on
incidents from the past. It's human nature to live in the past — or
the future — and we all could benefit greatly from living in the
present, because that is where forgiveness actually takes
place.

Digging further into the topic of
forgiveness, I soon understood that this is an area that many of
use have completely either downplayed or forgotten entirely.
Somehow, we really don’t know how to deal with it. Some people are
lucky and they learn to forgive early on in life, but for most
people, being unable to forgive leaves a wound that reopens every
time an incident happens in their lives that triggers something
similar to what caused the wound in the first place.

Forgiveness has a bad aftertaste
for most people — somehow, they associate it with being weak. After
you finish reading this book you will have come to the
understanding that it’s quite the opposite — forgiveness is an act
of maturity, bravery and intelligence; most importantly, it is a
direct connection to your heart. In essence, it is love
itself.

For many, the topic of forgiveness
has religious connotations. Some religions have actually been
concerned with the philosophy and practice of forgiveness since
their beginnings. Many people have been helped. However, as
religions have evolved, there is often a shift from the inner Truth
of the heart to the outer necessity of conforming to social
standards and protocols. Forgiveness in these cases has usually
turned into a set of rules, a methodology of doctrine that no
longer serves to speak directly to the heart. Indeed, many people
have left their religions as they have come to an understanding
that universal spirituality is replacing doctrine. This opens the
door to a world-wide agreement and alignment of what’s essential
spiritually for every human being.

Forgiveness is one of the most
important tasks we can undertake in our lives. Without forgiveness
we are stuck in the past with little hope for the future. Even
worse, we are stuck with our own resentment and anger for an entire
lifetime.

There are many people that are,
for whatever reasons, not willing to forgive, and they take their
blame to the grave. They never learned how to forgive, and so were
powerless to deal with their resentment, anger and blame towards
themselves and others. The key to forgiveness is this: one must be
willing to learn how to forgive in order to reap the benefits of
its operation in one's life. It's the first step, and it is vital
to the entire process.

We can choose our actions and by
executing our choices, we change our own reality and that of
others. But our choices may not always be in alignment with the
choices of others. This simply leads to conflicts. It is part of
human nature to experience these conflicts, otherwise we would
never learn a thing and never grow up. Maturity in this way comes
from learning how to eliminate conflict within ourselves as we
experience conflict with others. The conflict is canceled out,
within and without, and the stage is set for true
forgiveness.

You can learn to forgive and you
can learn why forgiveness is easier than you think. When you come
to understand how an incident in your life causes you to be
resentful and angry, you can switch your behavior almost like a
light switch. Instead of continuing to blame, you can start the
forgiveness process.

If you want to experience true
happiness in your life, look no further on the outside. Happiness
is achieved internally, not externally. You can achieve true
happiness by eliminating any stories you keep alive from the past
that may haunt you. You can confront these ghosts directly and when
you face them, they evaporate into nothing — they simply disappear
and you will no longer be haunted by your past, you will be more
fully present in the now.

Thomas Herold

Founder & CEO, Dream
Manifesto

Introduction

The
18
th century poet Alexander
Pope coined perhaps the most famous quote ever written regarding
forgiveness when he wrote:

“
To err is
human, to forgive divine.”

Since we’ve all mastered the human
tendency to err, this book will focus on the far more elusive
divine art of forgiving. Although everyone is familiar with the
concept of forgiveness, it can be extremely difficult in actual
practice. Very few will learn how to overcome the obstacles that
prevent genuine forgiveness and move on to a place of true
happiness and peace.

If you read this book with an open
mind and a willing heart, you will come away with the tools that
you need to see through the deception of bitterness and ego to come
to the point where you can genuinely forgive those who have hurt
you. Once you are able to forgive, you are able to release the pain
and hurt that can cling to you.

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness starts with the act of
forgiving or pardoning. Forgiving is not confined to one single act
in as much as it is the cessation of ongoing negative patterns,
such as being angry or resentful. Anger, resentment, and bitterness
are powerful emotions that can seize control of a person with
strongly negative effects on your attitude, relationships, and even
your physical well-being.

Often, these negative feelings
overwhelm us. It can feel as if we are drowning in our own
negativity. Bitterness and resentment feed upon themselves,
creating an ever widening circle of despair.

The good news is that there is a
way out. You can break free of these negative emotions. When we
forgive, we release the anger and give ourselves permission to be
happy. Happiness is our natural state of being. When we are at
harmony with our surroundings and ourselves, we will naturally tend
toward happiness.

While external circumstances may
cause a temporary interruption of our happiness, our reaction to
the circumstances has far more control over our happiness in the
long run. We can’t control the actions of other people. If we are
honest in our assessment, we have to acknowledge that people are
often mean, rude, thoughtless, and self-absorbed.

Given that we have to live among
these thoughtless and mean creatures, it is a virtual certainty
that we are going to be injured by their actions at some point.
(Just as certain that we, being of the same type of self-absorbed
creatures are going to injure others on occasion.) The surest road
to overcoming circumstance and moving back to our intended state of
happiness is through forgiveness.

In the chapters that follow, we
will walk through some of the primary obstacles to forgiveness, the
major results of holding onto our grudges, and the general process
and many benefits of forgiveness.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

My Personal Story

Betrayed!
. . . I Thought I
Would Never Trust Anyone Again

Several years ago, before I
started my own business, I was working with a friend in Palo Alto.
It was the golden age of Internet start-ups around the year 2000.
My life was a mess at that time and I hardly had any
money.

I wanted to have a piece of that
same cake that was making others so rich. I called my friend and
asked if I could work for him. We quickly came to an agreement on
my salary and I booked a ticket with the last few dollars I had in
my bank account.

Two weeks of hard but optimistic
work zoomed by and I asked my friend for my paycheck. No such luck
– he told me that he couldn’t pay me until his funding package came
through, about $2M.

Another two weeks passed, and the
excuse given this time was that he’d found a better option, about
$5M waiting for final approvals by the angel investors. By the end
of another month, I had not yet seen a dime. I was upset and
discouraged, and felt betrayed by my friend.

I scraped together a few bucks and
booked a flight back to my home in Hawaii, immediately beginning a
program of constant phone calls to my friend, determined to collect
what was due me. I talked to him several times, and then found out
that he was on vacation in Hawaii.

Guess what? Now I was really
pissed off! I hired a lawyer and tried to get my money back. It
turned into a huge no-win situation in my life that ate up every
ounce of joy and faith I once had in success. Every day I woke up
and felt miserable.