How to Forgive Even When You Can't Forget (2 page)

My mind was like a magnet — stuck
on loss and betrayal.

A few months later, another, wiser
friend said something strange to me: "Can you forgive your friend?"
For a moment I was puzzled.

Forgive . . . why should I? He should apologize and send me
my money.
My wiser friend
added, "Nothing will ever change until you forgive
him!"

Again, I felt all the hurt and
pain well up. It felt like I was being slapped in the face. Then I
asked the question, "How do I forgive?" I had no idea . . . I
needed help.

Forgiveness can be difficult when
the person who wronged us doesn’t seem to deserve our forgiveness —
it’s hard to remember that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more
than the one who is forgiven.

Three weeks later and $2100 lighter, I finally understood
what my professional mentor wanted me to understand:
forgiveness of others starts with
ourselves — we have to find that place of forgiveness in ourselves
that allows us to move through our pain and hurt
. As soon as I started to forgive my friend, my
anger and frustration miraculously began to dissolve, and . .
.

I was finally free to move on with
my life.

You would not believe how many
people hold on to their resentment. My wife, Aviva, and I see this
happening every day when we speak to people on the phone giving
them a consulting session. Yes, I went on to help others with their
own forgiveness challenges, and Aviva and I continue this service
to this very day.

As you may know most of our customers want to fulfill their
dreams by using one of our products — the
Dream
Manifestation Kit
— to accomplish this. Aviva and I believe that most dreams
begin with a simple act of forgiveness, and the the
Dream Manifestation Kit
is the perfect tool accomplish
this.

People sometimes take their anger
and resentment to the grave. What a waste of the wonderful life
such persons could have had if they'd only known how to forgive!
The grave is pretty final in many ways, both to the deceased and to
the living. Friends and relatives that are left behind no longer
have the chance to resolve their issues in person with the person
who passed away.

Why not practice forgiveness while alive? Why not bestow
that particular kind of grace on those who need it the most
—
while they are still alive
and hoping for your forgiveness?
The Dream Manifestation Kit provides a perfect way to begin
your own practice of forgiveness today.

Chapter 1

The Benefits of Not
Forgiving

"If we say that monsters [people
who do terrible evil] are beyond forgiving, we give them a power
they should never have...they are given the power to keep their
evil alive in the hearts of those who suffered most. We give them
power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting
memory of their painful pasts. We give the monsters the last
word."

-
Lewis B. Smedes

There are so many benefits to
forgiveness that one might wonder why it is so difficult for people
to practice. Yet, we all struggle with it at times. The lure of
choosing not to forgive is rooted in the perceived benefits of
being a victim.

Taking the long-term view, there
is little reason to not choose forgiveness. The alternative to
bitterness and despair is really nothing that anyone would want to
choose. But the-long term view is sometimes hard for us to clearly
see. It can be obscured by the hurt and disappointment of the
present moment.

If we ignore long-term
consequences, playing the wounded and innocent victim may seem like
the superior option to our injured pride and selfish ego. In the
short term, playing the victim gives us the illusory comfort that
comes with being in the right. The victim gets all the sympathy,
stands on the moral high ground, and basks in the righteous anger
of a person wronged.

Sympathy

Sometimes we just want to have
someone tell us that it’s all OK, that we’re completely right, and
that the other person was totally wrong in what they said or how
they acted. A little sympathy can be a salve to emotional wounds,
but it is not a cure.

Relying on sympathy when you are
hurt is like continuing to take pain medicine for an infection when
what you really need is an antibiotic. Sympathy, like the pain
medicine, will dull the ache caused by your wound, but it won’t
ever make it go away. It will never treat the root cause of the
pain. The antibiotics will treat the actual cause of the problem
and eliminate the pain that it causes you once and for all.
Forgiveness is your emotional antibiotic.

Moral High Ground

It feels good to seize the moral
high ground, to know that you are right while your opponent is an
agent of evil. No one wants to be the bad guy. In fact, the worst
person you meet today probably thinks that he’s a swell guy.
Demonizing the person who offended you is a way of seizing that
high ground and feeling good about yourself.

But, just like you learned in
kindergarten, you can never build yourself up by putting others
down. In this case, you cannot be a better person by casting the
other person as being bad. You may feel that way for a while, but
it won’t last long. The short-term benefit of being a victim never
lasts.

Righteous Anger

Sometimes, in the moment, anger
just feels good. It inspires us and puts a fire in our belly. In
that short term, we fail to see that trap into which that anger
pulls us. Instead of working through the hurt, we dwell in it,
giving the anger control over our hearts and our actions. Soon, we
live in that angry place because we cannot remember how it felt to
be happy. Soon, anger may begin to feel more natural to us than
happiness, and we may do little, if anything at all, to change this
state of affairs into a healthier one.

The anger fuels us. We forget how
to function without it and we even embrace it because it keeps us
going. But if anger is the thing that keeps us going, we are going
in the wrong direction. Movement does not always equal progress. We
lose sight of our intended state of happiness and find ourselves
drifting farther and farther from it. If anger becomes the compass
by which we direct out lives, it is time to turn the ship
around.

Chapter 2:

The Benefits of Forgiving
Someone

“
Forgiveness is
almost a selfish act
because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives.”

- Lawana Blackwell

When we move past the temptation
of playing the victim, we can begin the process of forgiving the
person who caused the offense. There are many different types of
situations that will cause hurt and require forgiveness. The types
of offenders needing forgiveness generally fall into three distinct
categories: contrite, unrepentant, and unavailable. Reaching the
point of forgiving each comes with its own special
benefits.

Contrite Offenders

Sometimes good people do bad
things. Sometimes bad people turn good. In either case, there are
occasions in which a person does something to hurt you and
afterward feels genuinely sorry for his actions. When the offender
is contrite, forgiveness is easier to come by. A contrite offender
will many times actually ask for forgiveness, or at least leave an
open door. In these cases, you benefit by bringing closure to the
incident and letting go of all ill will toward the person who hurt
you.

The offender benefits when you
forgive him as well. He knows that he did the wrong thing and your
forgiveness gives him permission to release his own guilt and focus
on the future, rather than his past indiscretion. A contrite
offender recognizes his own need to be forgiven and gains immediate
rewards when he overtly receives that forgiveness.

Unrepentant Offenders

Other times, the person who hurt
you did so intentionally, or simply doesn't care that she caused
you harm. She may not feel that she did anything wrong and will
have no part in asking for your forgiveness. Trying to forgive that
person is more difficult, because unless handled properly doing so
face to face may cause more harm than good.

Unrepentant offenders may not know
that they've done you wrong, but you need to forgive them just as
much as the more contrite variety of offender. You need it, because
the benefits to yourself when releasing that pent-up anger and
resentment are just as great, regardless of the disposition of the
person who hurt you. Forgiving those who don't want to be forgiven
is freeing to your own soul and relieves you of the burden of
resentment.

The unrepentant offender benefits
as well. If you can forgive her face to face, she will see in you
an attitude of forgiveness that she may lack. Seeing that kind of
light in another person can only buoy your own spirit. Even if the
offender or situation is such that you are unable to offer a verbal
apology, forgiving her in your heart will lead to a different
attitude toward her as a person.

If you're holding on to resentment
and bitterness, it will certainly color your interactions with that
person, causing disharmony. When you have forgiven her in your
heart, whether you announce so to her or not, it will be clearly
visible in your relationship and will lead to decreased tension and
increased happiness for you both.

Unavailable Offenders

The third category of offender is
those who just cannot be reached to offer your forgiveness. It may
be someone you are unlikely to ever encounter again, like the angry
woman that cursed you out at Wal-Mart. It may be someone you've
never seen at all, like the anonymous driver who dinged your car in
the parking lot. Or it may be someone who was important to you, but
is now deceased or has moved away and cannot be tracked
down.

In these cases, the offender will
never know if you maintain a grudge or if you forgive him
completely. This person will never receive any direct benefit from
your forgiveness. Truly, he may never realize his own wrong doing.
But that does not relieve you of the need to forgive, because as
we've seen, the opposite of forgiving is holding on to bitterness
and resentment, which will harm you, regardless of the status of
the offending party.

You will benefit from forgiving
him even if he never knows and you never see him again. Your
friends and family will benefit when you release your negative
emotions and let go of the incident. Forgiving those who hurt you
is ALWAYS good for you.

Chapter 3:

The Benefits of Forgiving
Yourself

“
The weak can
never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

There is an offender who does not
fit into any of the above categories. This is the one person who
can cause you the most harm, be the most oblivious to your best
interests, and the hardest for you to forgive: you.

By virtue of being human, you
carry within you the potential to do self-destructive and foolish
things. You can hurt your loved ones and yourself. You may be
hurting right now because of something that you did in the past.
Forgiving yourself is in many ways more difficult than forgiving
others. Because you know your heart, you cannot get away with
partial or false forgiveness.

The Dangers of
Self-loathing

When you are unwilling to forgive
yourself, you turn the force of your bitterness and anger inward.
2,000 years ago, a wise man wrote that a house divided against
itself cannot stand. So too, you cannot function properly if you
resent yourself. Your relationships, your work, your physical
health and your emotional well being are all likely to suffer
significantly if you are in a state of unresolved conflict with
yourself.

You may be able to get by for a
time, you may be able to fool those around you, but in the end you
cannot be untrue to yourself. Being bitter against your own soul
for the mistakes of your past will lead to only one thing:
self-loathing.

If you are harboring an
unforgiving pain within, it is nearly impossible to forgive others.
Pain piles upon pain, and your heart becomes hardened. In a
tragically short amount of time, your self-loathing will turn into
an angry, seething loathing of everything and everyone around you.
When you reach that stage, you become very hard to love. The
loathing that you broadcast will be returned to you — until you
forgive yourself and begin restoring a healthy sense of
self-worth.

The Joys of
Self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness brings about a
corrected self-image. Free from blame, we can see our true
potential and feel good about ourselves again. When you stop
flagellating yourself for the sins of your past, your future looks
much brighter.

Forgiving yourself is not easy.
There can be no tearful confession, no heart to heart talk because
all is already known and there is but one heart — a heart broken by
a war that can have no winner. Forgiving yourself requires a
conscious effort to let go of the past and take an active step
toward a happier and healthier future.