How to Outswim a Shark Without a Snorkel (5 page)

Three meters long and spiraled, narwhal teeth used to be mistaken for unicorn horns.

—Animal Wisdom

So I've figured out that if we lived back in the olden times, Ashley would probably get burned at the stake as a witch.

I know. That's pretty morbid. But it's Bella's fault, having all these books about medieval people and how they were all treated
really
badly whenever they ticked off the royals.

Actually, it would make more sense that Ashley would be royal back then. Because wouldn't that just be the way of it? And then
I
would probably be the one to get tarred and feathered, all because she lifted her royal finger and declared me a “pox on our land!” or something else super-medieval sounding.

“Kevin, could you measure out the seeds for me? And, Ana, your job is to sift the flour.”

Bella swiped her hand across her forehead, leaving a dusty smear of white flour above her eyebrow.

I flipped through the recipe book in front of me, eyeing the cover suspiciously. A man with a bushy beard and beady eyes was holding a gold goblet. Bella's new cooking class had her “cooking through the ages,” but I have to say, if these recipes were any indication, I would
not
want to live in the olden days. Any world without pizza doesn't seem like a world for me.

I used to think Bella was a lot like a mouse: super quiet and meek. That's how she seemed at school before I got to know her. But since Liv moved away and we became friends, now she seemed more like a hawk, with darting eyes that saw everything. I guess you can't know someone until you really talk to them. I'm just glad I
did
, so I didn't have to spend the entire summer surrounded by boys. Even if one of them is supercute.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked her. “I mean,
seed
bread? Won't that taste like birdseed?”

She shook her head and handed Daz a can of ginger ale. “It won't taste like birdseed because we're not
using
birdseed! We're using cardamom, coriander, anise, and other stuff. This recipe is supposed to be great, and my cooking instructor said that people have been making it for centuries! It's going to be perfect for the bake sale at the old-age home, but I have to test everything first. I want to do a bread, those no-bake cookies that you tried earlier, and something else
unique
,” she said, excitement glittering in her eyes.

“I read that bread dates back to over twenty-two thousand five hundred years ago,” Kevin said. “Some cultures even added rice, lentils, or peas to it.”

I blinked at him. Sometimes I think Kevin should be a teacher because he's awesome at remembering facts and making things interesting for everyone. But honestly,
pea
bread? That would taste royally disgusting with peanut butter, I bet.

“Wait, we have to put
pop
in it?!” Daz squinted suspiciously as he read from the recipe book.

Bella sighed. “We only need to use a third of a cup for the recipe, but it has to be warm, so put it in the microwave for thirty seconds.”

She gave me a look that I see on my mom a lot when Daz is acting like a weirdo. I still couldn't believe that Bella saw
anything
in my completely insane brother, but ever since we all went to the end of school dance together as a group, she'd been pretty googly-eyed over him. And worse?
He
was all googly-eyed over her too! Well, most people wouldn't notice I bet because he's still a nutcase, but I definitely can see how he tries to make his hair extra spiky when Bella's around. My brother, the world's biggest clown, falling for the quietest girl I've ever met. Love is so weird.

Ew. I can't believe I just used that word to describe my brother. Barf.

Bella raised her voice. “That's your job. Daz! Are you paying attention?”

“Okay, okay,” Daz huffed. He snapped open the can and dutifully measured out the ginger ale for the microwave while I sifted the white and wheat flour.

“So…” I said tentatively. “I have a bit of a problem.” I handed my bowl to Bella, who reached across to give it to Kevin. My heart blippity-blipped when I saw the perfect little piles of measured spices on his cutting board. Honestly, he's even adorable helping out in the kitchen, so neat and organized. Unlike Daz, who had already spilled the pop over the counter and mopped it up with the sleeve of his shirt.

“What's up?” Bella stirred her bowl of butter and sugar, creaming them together in a gooey paste. I reached over to sneak a taste. I'd been waiting for this moment ever since Ashley left the zoo yesterday, pretending she was practically best friends with Patricia.
Now
I could tell my friends and get a real game plan down.

“Well. I started at the new shark exhibit, right? And everyone was saying that because of my presentation, there's been a lot of people from local schools that want to volunteer there now too.” Already I could feel the heat grow in my face. And not happy-watching-Kevin heat. Angry-trembly-earthquake-in-my-heart heat.

“And I got assigned to work with a new student.”

“And what's the problem?” Bella asked.

I took a deep breath. “It's Ashley.”

There. That should get their attention.

Bella's eyebrows knit together. “
Ashley
Ashley? Ashley, the one you call
Sneerer
, Ashley?” she asked. She set down her spoon, but that wasn't nearly the reaction I was hoping for. At least she could look mortified on my behalf. Even Kevin was frowning at his shoes. Like I'd told him a bad weather report, instead of announcing my own personal Anapocalypse.

“Hey!” I said. “
I
don't call her that!” I sat taller. “I mean, I do, but only because she calls me names right back. But you're not focusing on the problem. The problem is she's trying to ruin my life!”

Kevin cleared his throat. “Uh…” he started.

Finally, someone who
gets
it
.

“But how could she do that?” he asked. “I mean, you're in the zoo, surrounded by a bunch of people, and she's not going to want to risk anything like her own reputation to make you look bad, right?” He blinked.

Honestly boys can be so dumb sometimes. Even the genius ones.

“That's
exactly
what she would do, Kev. I don't know
how
she would do it. I just know that she is
going
to!” I snapped. I looked to Bella for her to agree. But she was still looking at me like she was confused. “Right?” I lifted my eyebrows, giving her the “help-me-out-here” look.

She pursed her lips. I could tell she was doing that thing she always does, where she weighs what she wants to say in her head before she says it.

“I don't know. I think that maybe this whole thing with you and Ashley got way out of hand, and maybe she needed to volunteer somewhere during the summer like everyone else. It's possible that she just wants to get on with her life.” She looked at Daz. “You know?”

“You're out of your mind!” I said. Instantly, shame overcame me as I dropped my eyes to my hands. “I'm sorry,” I said. “I don't see how you guys can be so chill about this. This is the girl that has tried to make my life a living you-know-what for like a billion years? And now she shows up in, like, the stinkiest, least Sneerer place on earth, and you act like it's no big deal?” I sputtered. “She is
obviously
going to try to sabotage me!”

“You can't let someone mess with you just because you're paranoid, Ana,” Kevin said softly.

I stared at him. “Paranoid?! It's not paranoid if someone is actually out to get you!”

“Okay,” Bella said. “Did she actually do anything yesterday?”

I nodded fast. “Yes! She was super nice to Patricia and acted like we were old friends. She even actually
tried
when we had to learn about shark species together, and made notes and everything,” I said, jabbing my finger into a pile of flour.

Kevin frowned. “That doesn't sound bad.” He looked to Bella for her reaction, but she shook her head. “Is it possible you're overreacting?”

Overreacting.
Honestly.

“It sounds to me like she was trying to be nice, Ana,” she said.

“But don't you get it?” I shouted. “Ashley being nice is her trick! She's trying to convince everybody she's super nice so she can ruin me forever!”

Stupid
Ashley
, I seethed. If nothing had changed, then I wouldn't be sitting here talking about her and this stupid stuff.

Why did Bella have to be so…understanding?! And Kevin? He was supposed to
like
me maybe, so why was he not saying he wanted to come up with some super-genius plan to get Ashley kicked out of the zoo or something?

“You know, everyone has their own battles,” Kevin mumbled. “I think Plato said that,” he added with a sheepish grin. “I don't think you should worry because Ashley is probably trying to do her own thing, and for some reason, she has to be at the zoo, you know?”

I stared, dumbfounded. “You're talking about a dead guy at a time like this?” I shook my head. My friends, the people who were supposed to care most about me, were telling me not to worry about Ashley. Doesn't that sound
wrong
? That's like saying, “Oh, that's just a river full of piranhas. Why don't you hop in?” Or, “Hey, I've got some expired milk here. Let's have a smoothie!”

But I wasn't getting anywhere with them.

I slumped back on my chair and took a bite of the cookies Bella had made earlier. “Okay,” I mumbled through my chewy mouthful. “I'll wait and see how it goes. You're right.” I could feel the frustration bubbling inside me, but I shoved it down further with more cookies.

Daz narrowed his eyes at me and started to open his mouth, but I shoved a cookie at him before he could talk. There was no point trying, especially when they didn't see Ashley yesterday.

I needed a plan.

And this time, I knew what to do.

At home that night, I marched to my room. I was a girl on a mission, and there was no
way
Ashley was going to ruin my summer. If she was going to invade my life, then I was going to adapt and be
ready
for it this time.
Carpe
sneerum
and all that.

“I'm not going to miss anything,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Darwin. Earlier in the summer, Mom had given me a stack of empty blue notebooks that she'd gotten from her office. I dug around my desk drawer and pulled one out along with a big black marker.

Now I had a use for it.

I wrote in big, block letters.

THE OFFICIAL ANTI-ASHLEY NOTEBOOK

This is the official anti-Ashley book. I hereby swear that I, Ana Wright, will document all suspicious encounters with Ashley in this book. That way, when she ultimately tries to sabotage me (which is clearly inevitable), there will be a record of it all, and Bella and Kevin can see that no matter how much they wanted to BELIEVE in Ashley being GOOD, it just wasn't true. <

I tapped my chin with my pen as I thought some more. Then I scribbled a messy list on the next page.

Ana's Super-Sneaky List of Ways to Avoid Ashley's Sabotage

1. Install a video camera in all areas where she and I will be working. Pro: This would guarantee I don't miss a thing. Con: Too darn expensive.

2. Hire someone to follow both of us around, watching her every move. This will ensure there is proof when Ashley decides to show her evil self. Pro: Having a super-duper bodyguard would probably come in handy when I needed to grab things from the top shelf of the cupboard too. Con: Also expensive. Why can't my parents give me a bigger allowance? I barely had enough money for a banana split a week. Clearly a girl needs more than ONE of those a week, right?