How to speak Dragonese (6 page)

85

Hiccup had to go to bed without the company of Toothless. The little dragon was a small, wriggling, snoring hot-water bottle. Now Hiccup lay awake till the early hours of the morning, shivering uncontrollably under the thin covers, his feet and hands as cold as the North Pole, his ears trembling in the icy draft. And when eventually he slipped in and out of a feverish sleep, the nightdragons and the wind and the wolves seemed to be howling all together, "You've lost Tooooothlesss! Lost him forever! Lost Toooooooothless! Lost him forever and ever and ever" over and over and over again.

[Image: Hiccup is on the bed.]

86

6. THAT NIGHT IN SINISTER ROMAN FORT SINISTER

Far, far away from Berk in the sinister Fort Sinister, there was a dungeon so deep beneath sea level that no light ever reached it, a dungeon so far away that even the gods had forgotten it existed.

Toothless, who was afraid of the dark and of small spaces, lay in utter blackness in a cage so cramped he could hardly turn over.

He was crying.

"H-h-help," whimpered Toothless, in a voice he knew could not be heard.

"H-h-help."

87

[Image: A dragon.

"H-h-help" whispered Toothless, in a voice he knew could not be heard.

"H-h-help...."]

88

7. THE NANODRAGON

Hiccup woke very early. He had just been having a lovely dream about playing a tickling game with Toothless and he woke up laughing. For a moment everything was all right again and he forgot Toothless had gone and reached out for him, only to feel the chilly, damp depression in the bed where Toothless should have been. He was instantly miserable again, and lay, teeth chattering, under the bedclothes trying to get up the willpower to brave the cold and get dressed in the still-slightly-damp-and-salty clothes he was wearing yesterday. He gradually became aware that what had woken him was a very faint and tiny singing noise, a reedy little sound like the wind caught in a cowries shell, but with an edge of menace to it.

[Image: A village.]

89

The song went something like this:

SONG OF THE NANODRAGON (while licking off honey)

O Human Fatness who tried to cat me

Great Wobbling Vomit of Repulsive Man-Flesh

I cannot kill you NOW

Though I would like to

But you will regret this, Blubber-Man

You will regret this in the quiet darkness of the nighttime

For I have friends

I have friends

I have friends who will itch you into nightmares

Their feet will plow your skin into rashes

And you will sleep no more, o stomach-with-a-Head-o-it

You will sleep no more

O Ballon of Lard who tried to cat me

Man Uglier than an Exploded Jellyfish

I cannot kill you NOW

Though I would like to

But I can Walt, Ticking in the corner like Fate

And I have friends

I have friends who will crawl with me into your coffin

Where you are lying, hoping for the quiet sleep of Death

And we will cat YOU, o Sad Lump of Man Meat

we will eat you We will eat you

90

Where was the song coming from?

Eventually, Hiccup realized the noise seemed to be sneaking out of the jacket he had worn the day before and left to dry on the back of a chair in front of the fire.

And then he remembered the nanodragon he had replaced with the Electricsquirm and put in his pocket.

Hiccup braced himself against the cold, jumped out of bed, dragged his clothes on and approached the jacket. Carefully, he put his hand into the pocket and drew it out again with a gasp. Not only was there a yucky warm mess of honey in there, but the nanodragon had bitten him on the end of his finger.

As Hiccup put the finger in his mouth (you should always do this with a nanodragon bite -- it helps to draw out the sting) the nanodragon flew out of the pocket, fluttered around the room and landed on the windowsill.

[Image: A man.]

The nanodragon had spent the night cleaning the

91

sticky honey off his body with his tongue. He was a handsome little beast. No bigger than a grasshopper, he was a gleaming rust-red with flecks of charcoal, and the morning sun shone through his gossamer-thin wings and threw red and black spots all round the room.

Something about the self-importance of the little animal, the arrogance with which he held himself, made Hiccup ask, "Who are you?"

"I," squeaked the tiny creature grandly, "am the

Center of the Universe."

Hiccup looked carefully at the very small animal in front of him. "You ARE?" he said, polite but amazed. "Ton Your mean you are Thor or Woden in disguise?"

"Thor and Woden!" snorted the creature derisively. "Fairy stories! No, I am Ziggerastiea the Living God." Hiccup looked blank. "Most High and Mighty Ruler of the Nano Empire. Despot of the Northern Grasses..."

Hiccup shook his head regretfully.

[Image: A man.]

92

Ziggerastica.

"You MUST know about me!" piped Ziggerastica. "Great Scourge of the Bracken Dwellers...Doesn't that ring any bells at all?"

"Nope," said Hiccup. "I'm so sorry. I've never heard of you before."

"I don't know, You Humans," Fumed Ziggerastica, hugely offended. "Ignorant as well as ugly."

"I'm not ugly," protested Hiccup. "That is a very rude thing to say."

Ziggerastica wasn't listening. "You're so caught up in your own world that you never bother to lower your fat noses to the ground and have a look at what's going on in the Real world! Well, Boy-With-a-Face-like-a-Stinky-Haddock, you have had the good fortune to save the life of the most Powerful Being in the Galaxy..."

[Image: A dragon.]

93

"If you're the most Powerful Being in the Galaxy," said Hiccup, "how come you didn't get your nanodragons to come and save you from the big Fat Roman?"

"Even a Living God has his weak spots," replied Ziggerastica. "And mine happens to be honey. I love the stuff. But the Nanodragon cry for help is created by rubbing the back legs together, and honey gums up the noise ... It is delicious though..."

And what on earth could someone as small as YOU do?
Hiccup thought to himself, but it would have been rude to say it. "How will you hear me?" he asked instead.

The nanodragon ignored the question.

"Just say the word Ziggerastica and I will come. However, fee warned... You can call on my Most Glorious Aid just once, and once

94

alone. When I have repaid my debt you will become just another smelly, repellent human to me. So choose your time wisely, Boy-with-Spots-no-his-Ugly-Nose, choose your time wisely..."

And with that the rude little animal gave a last shake of his wings and flew out of the window.

Hiccup wasn't quite sure what to make of this conversation. It seemed unlikely that a creature as small as Ziggerastica could be as powerful as he seemed to think he was.
But on the other hand, I need all the help I can get,
Hiccup thought gloomily.

At breakfast, Hiccup was more miserable than he had ever been in his life. He couldn't eat a thing. He just sat there pushing his kipper sadly round his plate. His grandfather, Old Wrinkly, tried to ask him what the matter was, but Hiccup just sighed.

"What does a Chief feel?" asked Stoick the Vast, seeing his son drooping.

"A Chief feels no pain, Father," replied Hiccup glumly.

In the middle of the meal a Carrier Dragon flew in the window, dropped a letter addressed to Stoick on the table and flew out again.

The letter was from Big-Boobied Bertha, the chief of the Bog-Burglars. The Bog-Burglars were a

95

tribe of particularly fearsome female warriors who lived on an island some way to the west of the Isle of Berk. (Please see map at the beginning of this book.) The Hooligans had a long-running feud with the Bog-Burglars which had started many, many years ago, when the Bog-Burglars stole the shield of Hiccup's great-great-grandfather, Grimbeard the Ghastly.

Hiccup read the letter over Stoick's shoulder.

Greetings, You Fat Burglar, I see you have broken the truce we have had for so many years and wish to make war with us again .... How dare you steal the noble Heir to the Bog-Burglar Tribe?

You are a thief and I give you two weeks to return our

Heir to us unharmed...otherwise I shall declare a blood feud and we will sail to Berk in all our strength and exterminate the lot of you ... It should be easy peasy--you Hooligans always did fight like a load of bunny rabbits... Yours very untruly, Bertha, Chief of the Bog-Burglars.

Stoick grew more and more purple in the face as he read the letter. Finally, he came to the end and with a roar he tore the paper up into little pieces and stamped on them.

96

97

He was hopping mad. Stoick was often wild, often shouty, often going off the deep end. But this time he lost his temper.

And when a Hooligan loses his temper, he REALLY loses it. A Hooligan in a rage yells so loudly it makes his ordinary yelling sound like a baby's lullaby.

"I DECLARE A BLOOD FEUD!" yelled Stoick the Vast.

"Oh,
brother."
Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens. "I do not believe this. .. this is all we need! Hang on a minute, Father, let's stay calm here. I really don't think this was from the Bog-Burglars. We haven't
got
their Heir, have we? So SOMEONE ELSE must have stolen her. I overheard the Romans saying they would
pretend
to be the Bog-Burglars so they can get us to fight
each other.
"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, HICCUP!"

roared Stoick the Vast. "POLITICS IS FOR GROWNUPS! FETCH ME MY SWORD! SOUND THE WAR HORNS! I WANT EYERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD PRACTICING THEIR SWORD-FIGHTING NIGHT AND DAY FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!"

98

[Map: Blood Feud Table.]

99

100

"But, Father," protested Hiccup,
"please
use your head here --"

"I AM USING MY HEAD!" roared Stoick the Vast, head-butting the wall. "IF THOSE BOG-BURGLARS SET ONE
TOE
INTO HOOLIGAN WATERS, BY THOR, THEY'RE GOING TO REGRET IT!"

Hiccup could feel himself getting cross too. He didn't stand up to his father very often, but he was so upset about Toothless that he got up and stood in front of Stoick with his hands on his hips.

"Why don't you BELIEVE ME?" he asked furiously. "I have
told
you and
told
you, this is the work of the ROMANS. I have even brought you back a Roman helmet to prove it."

Hiccup pointed to the Roman helmet, which was sitting on a stool in the corner of the room. "We COULD send out a War Party to go and find these Romans, and Toothless too ... but oh
no,
you would rather stay here beating up the Bog-Burglars than believe the word of your OWN SON ..."

For a moment it seemed as if Hiccup was getting through to his father. Stoick's nostrils stopped flaring and he ceased to paw the ground with his foot.

101

He looked at the Roman helmet. Maybe, just maybe, Hiccup was right...

But then he looked at Big-Boobied Bertha's letter and his temper returned.

"THE ONLY GOOD BOG-BURGLAR IS A DEAD BOG-BURGLAR!" shouted Stoick at the top of his voice, and he stalked out of the room.

"Don't blame your father too much, will you, Hiccup?" said Old Wrinkly sadly "He means well, but when things get complicated, he gets confused. By the way, aren't you going to be late for your Frightening Foreigners lesson?"

"Oh my goodness," said Hiccup. "So I am ..."

102

8. THE FRIGHTENING FOREIGNERS LESSON

It was a glorious, blue, breezy day, but Hiccup had no time to admire it. He ran as fast as he could toward the Great Hall where the Frightening Foreigners lesson

[Image: Men.]

103

was being held. Gobber hadn't arrived yet, so the young barbarians were making a gigantic racket. Sharpknife and Tuffnut Junior were having a swordfight in one corner. The boys' dragons were lying in front of the gigantic fire, snapping and snarling at each other. Snotlout and Dogsbreath the Duhbrain were sitting on Fishlegs while Fireworm set fire to a pile of Fishlegs's workbooks.

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you brainless brutes?" snapped Hiccup at the bullies, putting out the fire with his jacket.

"Thanks, Hiccup," panted Fishlegs. "Well, well,
well,"
drawled Snotlout, removing his knee from Fishlegs's stomach and sauntering over to where Hiccup was sitting.

"Some Vikings you two are! I hear you couldn't even tell the difference between a Peaceable fishing boat and a seventy-meter Roman ship, and you have got to be the first pirates EVER to sink their
own
boat..."

"Har har har har," laughed all the other boys.

"And most pathetic of all," jeered