How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (38 page)

Using a fish net, a mini hand-held one from the pet shop, or a soup ladle, catch the fish and transfer them into a saucepan or bowl of room-temperature water. It may be kinder to put them in one that is opaque so they can pretend it is night time, when fish sleep.

Once the fish are moved to safety, tip all the remaining fishy contents – water, stones, et al – into a colander (for goodness sake, not your regular one), under a running tap. Wash off all the grimy build-up and residue – have your marigolds firmly on for this task. Try not to use washing-up liquid in excess as the suds are rather toxic for your underwater friends, they prefer their own bubbles.

Rinse and clean the bowl to get rid of all the slime that has built up on the glass. Dry so it is not smeary and replace the stones and pebbles. Reposition castle and any other ornaments. Then carefully add fresh room-temperature water till half full. Add in fresh seaweed to give the fish a feel of the wild, and some privacy, then fill to three-quarters full. Let the water settle for a few minutes.

Carefully tip the fish back into the bowl, sprinkle fresh fish flakes or food on surface of water and move back to normal home.

Note: you should not keep fish bowls in direct sunlight, on a boiler or anywhere where a cat can get his paw in.

How to be Handy Ma’am

‘We should learn from the snail: it has devised a home that is both exquisite and functional’

How to blend in at B&Q

No matter how horrifying a proposition a visit to the DIY store may seem, there are times when a royal visit is necessary. DIY stores may have wonderful long aisles that exceed the supermarket in aisle glide possibilities but, as much as anywhere, you have to know the dress code. If you teeter in wearing the latest trends you will be in danger of alienating the staff who could assist you. In this context, high fashion can make one appear a ‘Barbie doll’. Being thought of as a bimbo is never to be encouraged. A pair of jeans, trainers and sweatshirt should suffice. You don’t have to look horrid but there is no point snagging a favourite cashmere on a shelving unit to an unappreciative audience.

Preparation in home improvements is key, and none more so than in the wardrobe you should adopt to mastermind the transformation. When working with paint or building and decorating equipment designate a T-shirt, a pair of jeans and shoes for the task. Shoes should be flat, comfortable, and ideally trainers, and they must be worn at all times, as you never know where a stray nail or shard of glass may have dropped. Safety must prevail over frivolous style in these circumstances. If paint lands on your clothes or shoes, it will probably be permanent. On the upside, paint splashes on an old, battered pair of jeans can really enhance a look.

Mostly importantly, don’t forget your hair. If it is long, tie it back. This is a safety as well as a practical tip. Whether hair is long or short, tie a scarf or bandanna over the head; this is particularly necessary when painting ceilings or tricky corners where you may inadvertently lean your locks on the wet paint. You do not want a crown of white emulsion after the money you’ve invested in cut and colour. A bandanna is more stylish than wearing a shower cap, which frankly will look so dreadful you won’t be able to concentrate.

How to purchase paint

First select colour option paint cards. It can be worth buying a mini sample pot before committing your hallway to years of pea green. Once you have come to a decision, return to purchase enough litres to cover the walls in your chosen room. A 2.5 litre tin of paint covers 30 square metres. You’ll need to do at least two coats. Make sure the paint for the walls is matt, unless you are painting woodwork, when you might prefer gloss, or your bathroom, when you need gloss paint.

How to undercoat

Undercoating is a bit like underwear: you have to get the right type. If you wore a purple bra under a cream-coloured T-shirt, it would be a disaster. The same principle applies with the undercoat. To eliminate the folly of (presumably) a previous owner, you need to undercoat with white, and depending on how dreadful and deep the offending colour was, it should vanish in a couple of coats. If walls are really bad, lumpy and cracked, it might be worth using a lining paper, similar to putting up wallpaper, and then painting over this. A neutral base is essential.

How to paint the room, including skirting boards and other problem zones

The main walls and ceilings require a simple and methodical arm sweep up and down, with either a brush, a painting pad or a roller, depending on your preference. The bigger spaces offer an all-over body workout to the painter. Matt paint can be slightly watered down to make coverage easier, and make the paint go further, but only do this on large surface areas. Put newspaper, or an old blanket, on the floor to catch flying paint splodges. You do need to be careful; however ‘non-drip’ the paint professes to be, it will drip. Newspaper is best as it will give you an idea of the date. If you still have the paper on the floor three weeks later, chances are the paint is going to be dry enough for you to remove them.

With picture rails, or fancy ceiling features, you cannot, unfortunately, use masking tape, as it might peel off the wall paint. You have to be very careful and have a steady hand, and do the gloss-work features first. Paint walls and then, with a fine brush and even steadier hand, touch up the gloss with a second finishing coat.

If you are painting the ceiling and walls, the woodwork deserves to be freshened up too. You may think the woodwork and the window frames are already a more than adequate shade of white but when you give them a wipe and look closer you will see the paint is sun faded. Sorry.

Before you even crack open the can of paint you need to wipe, sand down and dust all the woodwork; painting over cobwebs makes for a rather lumpy finish. Sanding down allows the paint to get a better ‘grip’ and give a smoother finish. It is also worth doing this on the walls.

With windows the aim is
not
to get paint on the glass. Best way to avoid this is carefully to use your masking tape to mark off round the frame. This will not only act as a guide to you, it will catch any slips. Caution: do not leave the tape on too long – on hot sunny days the tape can bake and seal itself to the window, and this can add
hours
to your work. As with nail varnish, gingerly touch the paint with a fingertip, and see if it feels hard enough to pull off the tape. It can take overnight for the gloss to be hard enough to be considered ‘dry’.

The key to successful skirting-board painting is also in the masking tape, and preparation. You will need kneepads, especially if you are crouching on wooden floorboards or, worse still, marble floors. Decide whether you will be doing the woodwork in matt or gloss paint. Rub sandpaper over the woodwork to ensure smooth surface. Using masking tape, cut strips and tape the nearest edge between skirting board and floor. This will catch all corner and detail drips that may slip past the edge of the newspaper that you will need to lay down to protect the floor from paint drips and wobbles.

How to use a spirit level

Nothing to do with your alcohol intake, spirit levels are there to get things straight. This is one of the most useful yet underrated
essential
tools of the DIY world. Nobody, unless they have had excessive plastic surgery, has a perfectly symmetrical face, just as nobody can get things perfectly straight without a little help. If you look at a spirit level, there are usually two little bubbles inside, or one larger bubble, with multi-tasking skills of showing horizontal and vertical. These bubbles are isolated liquid in a see-through capsule that is suspended in the bar of the metre rule.

Hold the chrome/aluminium ruler up to the wall, and subtly angle it until the bubble is centred. Once the bubble is in the middle the level is perfectly straight and horizontal. It’s at this point that you can make a little pencil mark, move the beast and bang in a nail.

How to put up pictures

If it’s going on the wall, really it should be framed. Posters and Blu-tac are very student, and amateurish and even if you are the first you are definitely not the latter. Do not clutter your wall. Less is more. Think of the Summer Exhibition at the Royal Academy: there is so much squeezed onto every available surface that you go cross-eyed. You want to avoid this. Pictures, as with mirrors, absolutely need to be hung straight. With mirrors you need to use masonry nails, or the strongest available, to prevent the potential threat of seven years’ bad luck. If your walls are hard you will need to drill a hole and insert a Rawlplug, then the nail.

Hold the picture against the wall, or more sensibly get someone to do this while you stand at an artistic distance and direct. Once you are happy with the position, mark it with a tiny pencil dot at the top or a corner, to be your guide. Look behind the picture to see how it is to be hung. Is it on a string? Or does it require more skill and measuring as it has two hooks? (You may berate this now, but actually it is a foolproof way of it staying straight.) This will also determine if you bang in one nail and use your eye to wiggle the picture in place, or whether you have to measure, use the spirit level, and bang, bang, hang. Pictures are a quick room fix, and more pleasurable to put up than shelving. If you require shelving, try to buy a piece with installed fixtures or buy a nice shelving unit; it’s much easier than doing a spirit level master class.

How to assemble flat-pack furniture

As much as you will hate to read this, with flat-pack furniture the best rule is to follow their instructions. You have to assume they know all the best shortcuts, even if they did skip conventional English classes. When building from a flat pack, it’s like a ready-made meal – they provide all the ingredients, you should (simply) be able to mix it together. Before you get going, count all the pieces in the set and check that this corresponds with the instruction manual lists you should have. You cannot complete a 25-piece jigsaw with only 20 pieces and the same applies here.

Sometimes you will need to ease things into joints, but when an ease becomes something more forceful, stop and check it is really meant to fit in there. Flat-pack furniture is supposed to be easy – even for those without woodwork, physics and language degrees. Just as you count the pieces, check all pages of the instructions are there and written in your mother tongue, or at least have clear diagrams. If in doubt, buy antiques or ready-assembled furniture and get it delivered to your door.

How to hang wallpaper

‘My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has to go’
Oscar Wilde

As with painting, you have to ensure that your walls are washed clean, smooth, and any cracks filled. If there is existing wallpaper, you need to sponge it really wet, which will help you to peel it off. Then you have to rub the walls down. Sometimes, to ensure a smooth finish, you need lining paper, like an undercoat, which is a good opportunity to practise your hanging and pasting skills.

Take your new paper and decide which way up you want to hang it – this is particularly important if it has a distinct pattern. Then go to any of the four walls and, taking your spirit level, draw, in pencil, a straight vertical line. Others may prefer to start in a corner, but the spirit level does not lie, so use this as your guide for lining up the paper. Measure the length you need. Apply paste to paper on a table and be sure to cover right to the corners as it will peel off otherwise.

Climb the ladder and you are ready to apply the paper from top to toe. Smooth the first sheet all the way down, pressing firmly into place, then come down, paste and collect the next sheet. The next one should line up with the first; use the picture rail if you have one to guide you, and ease it in close so it is touching, but not overlapping, its neighbour.

If patterned, make sure it matches or follows on.

Above all, do not rush. Allow lots of time as once you have started you have to finish, you cannot leave a wall half wallpapered.

How to lay tiles

Apply the grout to the back of the tile, and start from the bottom, working up. The bottom row of tiles should be resting on something, such as a shelf or bath rim, as it will need to have something to take the weight. If there is nothing to support it, add a wooden border for it to rest its heels on. When applying the tiles you need to use plastic spacers to ensure you get a uniform gap between each tile. Of course you should also judge with your eye, but the spacers keep everything in line while you focus on laying the tiles down. Leave to dry overnight, and be sure to test it is rock solid before allowing water to splash near it.

Ceramic tiles are the toughest to cut, but bathroom ‘standard’ tiles are not too tricky to tackle. You can buy great purpose-made cutters that slice through these like a hot knife in butter. You can usually get crazy shapes, to go round taps and so forth, done at the hardware DIY store, which will save you the bother.

How to make your home look like Versailles

‘If Botticelli were alive today, he’d be working for
Vogue
’
Peter Ustinov

Being original, and creating the WOW factor requires some research.
Elle Deco
,
The World of Interiors
,
Homes and Gardens
and
House and Garden
are all great magazines for starters.
Architectural Digest
is also v. impressive to leave lounging on the coffee table. Travel magazines are also très inspiring, as are
Hello!
and
OK!
for those celebrity ‘at homes’. Iconic films may prove helpful, such as the table settings in
The Age of Innocence
, the New York loft apartment in
Friends
, Hepburn in the library in
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
and the opening scene of
Sabrina
(the Hepburn version, obviously).
High Society
is also great to tune into, with
Amadeus
, and Merchant Ivory pictures good for period dress and historical ideas.