Howl (33 page)

Permissions Acknowledgments

G
RATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENT
is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material.

D
AVE
B
ARRY:
“A Gentleman’s Ideal Companion,” originally published in the
Miami Herald
(December 19, 2004) as “Man’s Best Friend Is Always Ready,” copyright © 2004 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with permission of the author.

J
ON
B
OWEN:
“Two Pooch or Not to Pooch?” originally published in the
Washington Post
(July 17, 1998), copyright © 1998 by Jon Bowen. Reprinted with permission of the author.

S
COTT
B
RADFIELD:
“Doggy Love,” copyright © 2003 by Spilogale, Inc., originally published in
The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction
(August 2003) and also included in
Hot Animal Love
by Scott Bradfield (Carroll & Graf, 2005). Reprinted with permission of the author.

B
ONNIE
JO C
AMPBELL:
“What My Dog Has Eaten Lately,” originally published in
The Bark
(Summer 2002), copyright © 2002 by Bonnie Jo Campbell. Reprinted with permission of International Creative Management, Inc.

M
ARGARET
C
HO:
“Dog Whores,” originally published on Margaret Cho.com/blog (November 10, 2005), copyright © 2005 by Margaret Cho. Reprinted with permission of the author.

N
EVA
C
HONIN:
“Dogma,” originally published in the
San Francisco Chronicle
(February 20, 2005), copyright © 2005 by the
San Francisco Chronicle.
Reprinted with permission of the
San Francisco Chronicle.

K
INKY
F
RIEDMAN:
“Strange Bedfellows,” originally published in
Texas Monthly
(May 2001), copyright © 2001 by
Texas Monthly.
Reprinted with permission of
Texas Monthly.

J
ON
G
LASER:
“Better Than You,” originally published in the
New York Times Magazine
(September 17, 2006), copyright © 2006 by Jon Glaser. Reprinted with permission of the author.

A
NTHONY
H
EAD:
“Kill Jerry,” originally published in two parts in
The Bark
(vol. 1, Winter 2004/vol. 2, Spring 2005), copyright © 2004, 2005 by Anthony Head. Reprinted with permission of the author.

A
NN
H
ODGMAN:
“No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch,” originally published in
Spy
(June 1989), copyright © 1989 by Ann Hodgman. Reprinted with permission of the author.

R
EBECCA
R
OSE
J
ACOBS:
“Leave Some for Me, Fido,” originally published in the
Financial Times
Weekend Magazine (July 29, 2006), copyright © 2006 by
Financial Times.
Reprinted with permission of the
Financial Times,
London.

M
ERRILL
M
ARKOE:
“Something Extremely Important,” originally published in
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
by Merrill Markoe, copyright © 2005 by Merrill Markoe. Reprinted with permission of Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

R
OBERT
M
ASELLO:
“Becky Has Two Daddies,” originally published in
The Bark
(January/February 2007), copyright © 2007 by Robert Masello. Reprinted with permission of the author.

R
OB
M
CKENZIE:
“Bone Alone,” originally published in
The Bark
(November/December 2005), copyright © 2005 by Rob McKenzie. Reprinted with permission of the author.

P
ATRICK F.
M
CMANUS:
“A Dog for All Seasons,” originally published in
A Fine and Pleasant Misery
by Patrick F. McManus, copyright © 1978 by Patrick F. McManus. Reprinted with permission of Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

S
USAN
M
ILLER:
“13 Questions,” originally published in
The Bark
(July/August 2006), copyright © 2005 by Susan Miller. Reprinted with permission of the author.

E
RICA
S
CHOENBERGER
AND M
ELISSA WEBB WRIGHT:
“The Dinner Party,” originally published in
The Bark
(Summer 2002), copyright © 2001 by Erica Schoenberger and Melissa Webb Wright. Reprinted with permission of the authors.

J
EFF
S
TEINBRINK:
“Tool: Retractable Dog Leash $10.95–$39.95,” originally published in
The Believer
(November 2004, no. 2, vol. 11), copyright © 2004 by Jeff Steinbrink. Reprinted with permission of the author.

A
BIGAIL
T
HOMAS:
“Carolina’s in Heat and I’m Not,” originally published in
A Three Dog Life
by Abigail Thomas, copyright © 2006 by Abigail Thomas. Reprinted with permission of Harcourt, Inc.

M
ICHAEL
W
ARD:
“Recently Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan Warns His New Puppy Against ‘Irrational Exuberance,’” originally published on McSweeneys.net, copyright © 2006 by Michael Ward. Reprinted with permission of the author.

D
AN
Z
EVIN:
“Where the Dogs Are,” originally published in
The Day I Turned Uncool
by Dan Zevin, copyright © 2002 by Dan Zevin. Reprinted with permission of Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Copyright Acknowledgments

“Here’s the Beef” copyright © 2007 by Bonnie Thomas Abbott; “How to Tell the Difference Between Your Mother and Your Dog” copyright © 2007 by Henry Alford; “I Done Them Wrong: How I Wrecked My Daughter’s Self-Esteem and My Dog’s Sex Life” copyright © 2007 by Cathy Crimmins; “The Dog Mumbler” copyright © 2007 by Merrill Markoe; “How to Change Your Adopted Dog’s Name to the Name You Want in under Six Months” copyright © 2007 by Brian Frazer; “All the Bags and Dante and Me” copyright © 2007 by Pam Houston; “How You Can Help Your Dog Enjoy a Visit to the Vet” copyright © 2007 by Michael Rosen and Mark Svede; “Lucas” copyright © 2007 by Haven Kimmel; “Dog of the Day” copyright © 2007 by Laurie Notaro; “Home on the Mange” copyright © 2007 by Neal Pollack; “A Catwoman in Dogland” copyright © 2007 by Kathe Koja; “Kirby” copyright © 2007 by Al Franken; “A Second Act” copyright © 2007 by Alice Elliott Dark; “Litter-mate” copyright © 2007 by Marga Gomez; “Dog Mad” copyright © 2007 by Lee Harrington; “Confessions of an Amateur Pickup Artist” copyright © 2007 by David Malley; “Pillow Talk” copyright © 2007 by Gregory Edmont; “The Seven-Month Itch” copyright © 2007 by Nancy Cohen; “Play Dead, My Darling” copyright © 2007 by Jeff Ward; “A Plea for Canine Acceptance” copyright © 2007 by Phil Austin; “The Good Place: A Play in One Act” copyright © 2007 by Roy Blount Jr.; “This Dog’s Life” copyright © 2007 by J. P. Lacrampe; “Why I Write About Dogs” copyright © 2007 by Susan Conant; “Canine Films Currently in Production” copyright © 2007 by Brian Frazer; “How to Raise and Train Your Mini-Berger-with-Cheese-Doodle” copyright © 2007 by Georgia Getz; “By Fifteen Minutes” copyright © 2007 by Melissa Holbrook Pierson; “Joni Mitchell Never Lies” copyright © 2007 by Marc Spitz; “Part Pooch, or: More Than an Act” copyright © 2007 by David Smilow; “Do You Take This Norwegian Elkhound?” copyright © 2007 by Alysia Gray Painter; “Can We Interest You in a Piece of Cheese?” copyright © 2007 by Alison Pace; “One-on-One with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” copyright © 2007 by Catie Lazarus; “Excerpts from Great Books in the Canine Canon” copyright © 2007 by Francis Heaney; “One Step Out of the Dog House” copyright © 2007 by Frank Gannon; “Seven Days of Finny” copyright © 2007 by Ann Brashares; “Newman” copyright © 2007 by Thomas Cooney; “Let the Heeling Begin” copyright © 2007 by Bill Scheft; “She Who Must Be Obeyed” copyright © 2007 by Tom Gliatto; “Our Twelfth Labor” copyright © 2007 by Ben Brashares; “Pyr Pressure” copyright © 2007 by Franz Lidz; “How to Housebreak Your Dog” copyright © 2007 by Mark Newgarden; “Canine Einstein?” copyright © 2007 by John Warner; “Seven Protective Popeyes” copyright © 2007 by George Singleton; “An Open Letter from Miss Ruby to Her Problem Owner” copyright © 2007 by J. F. Englert; “Pet Quality” copyright © 2007 by Andi Zeisler; “Dog Is My Co-Dependent” copyright © 2007 by Meghan Daum; “Brevities” copyright © 2007 by Dan Liebert.

I
LLUSTRATIONS

All illustrations included herein are protected by copyright and may not be reproduced without written permission of the copyright holder.

Brian Biggs: Why I Write About Dogs, The Dinner Party

Bill Charmatz: Two Pooch or Not to Pooch?, Better Than You, Dog Whores, Where the Dogs Are

Greg Clarke: Here’s the Beef, I Done Them Wrong: How I Wrecked My Daughter’s Self-Esteem and My Dog’s Sex Life, How to Change Your Adopted Dog’s Name to the Name You Want in under Six Months, Dog Is My Co-Dependent

Jacob Collins: Seven Days of Finny

Randy Glass: One-on-One with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Donna Grethen: Our Twelfth Labor

Eric Hanson: Here’s the Beef, How to Raise and Train Your Mini-Berger-with-Cheese-Doodle, Part Pooch, or: More Than an Act

Jason Jägel: Home on the Mange

Einat Peled: All the Bags and Dante and Me, Better Than You, Lucas, Pillow Talk, This Dog’s Life, By Fifteen Minutes, Can We Interest You in a Piece of Cheese?, A Gentleman’s Ideal Companion, Newman, Pyr Pressure, Seven Protective Popeyes

Thorina Rose: Excerpts from Great Books in the Canine Canon

Graham Roumieu: Canine Films Currently in Production, 13 Questions, Bone Alone, Kill Jerry, Kill Jerry

Ward Schumaker: Dedication, Two Pooch or Not to Pooch?, I Done Them Wrong: How I Wrecked My Daughter’s Self-Esteem and My Dog’s Sex Life, The Dog Mumbler, Dog of the Day, A Catwoman in Dogland, Kirby, Dog Mad, Confessions of an Amateur Pickup Artist, The Seven-Month Itch, The Seven-Month Itch, Play Dead, My Darling, What My Dog Has Eaten Lately, Strange Bedfellows, How to Raise and Train Your Mini-Berger-with-Cheese-Doodle, Something Extremely Important, Joni Mitchell Never Lies, Carolina’s in Heat and I’m Not, Do You Take This Norwegian Elkhound?, Dogma, Let the Heeling Begin, A Dog for All Seasons, Canine Einstein?, Pet Quality

Christian Slade: She Who Must Be Obeyed

Mark Ulriksen: Title page

Michael S. Wertz: Littermate, Becky Has Two Daddies, A Gentleman’s Ideal Companion, A Dog for All Seasons

Acknowledgments

O
UR
G
RATITUDE
G
OES
to Michael Rosen, Susan Tasaki, and Ben Brashares for their invaluable editorial assistance. A special thanks to Lee Harrington and Christopher Schelling for their timely introductions. Our appreciation to Annik La Farge and Allison McCabe, our editors past and present; and to Lisa Bankoff of ICM for shepherding this project. A word of thanks to the contributors, representatives, and assistants who graciously and unselfishly made this book possible, and funny. Most of all, a pat and a treat to all the dogs who inspire us—Nellie, Lenny, Callie, and others too numerous to mention.

Kudos to the many individuals and groups who have created and maintain dog parks across the country—havens for dogs and their people, a place where play, good humor, and laughter thrive on a daily basis.

Plus a grateful appreciation to Patrick McDonnell—creator of Mutts and friend to all animals.

Check thebark.com and
The Bark
magazine for more
Howl
exclusives! Photos of your smiling dogs can be sent to [email protected].

About the Contributors

B
ONNIE
T
HOMAS
A
BBOTT
is an Ohio-licensed humor essayist whose first novel,
Radical Prunings: Officious Advice from the Contessa of Compost,
was published by Emmis Books. She shares a home with Gracie, a part-Dalmatian, part–Courtney Love mix.

H
ENRY
A
LFORD
has contributed to the
New York Times
and
Vanity Fair
for over a decade, and to
The New Yorker
since 1998. He is the author of a humor collection,
Municipal Bondage,
and of an account of his misadventures as a struggling actor,
Big Kiss,
which won a Thurber Prize.

P
HIL
A
USTIN
is best known for his many years of work as a writer/performer with the Firesign Theatre, America’s favorite surreal comedy group, wherein he portrays Nick Danger, Third Eye, among many others. His “Blog of the Unknown” contains much of his writing.

MUTTS
Patrick McDonnell

D
AVE
B
ARRY
is a humor columnist whose work has appeared in more than five hundred newspapers in the United States and abroad. He is the author of thirty books, including his latest,
The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog,
although virtually none of them include any useful information. He received a Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened.

Artist G
ARY
B
ASEMAN
has been named one of the “100 Most Creative People in Entertainment” by
Entertainment Weekly,
and
Dumb Luck,
a book showcasing his work, was recently published by Chronicle Books. garybaseman.com

R
OY
B
LOUNT JR.
is a columnist, sportswriter, editor, screenwriter, and the author of nineteen books, including
I Am Puppy, Hear Me Yap: The Ages of Dog;
a biography of Robert E. Lee; a memoir,
Be Sweet;
and
Feet on the Street: Rambles Around New Orleans.
His work has appeared in 166 periodicals, including
The New Yorker, Gourmet, Playboy,
and
Vanity Fair.
He is a regular panelist for NPR’s
Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me.

J
ON
B
OWEN
lives with his wife, children, and two dogs in Charlottesville, Virginia. His writing has appeared in the
Washington Post,
Salon.com,
Runner’s World,
and other publications. His dogs continue to be a rich source of inspiration, frustration, amusement, and companionship.

S
COTT
B
RADFIELD
is the author of
Good Girl Wants It Bad, The History of Luminous Motion, Animal Planet, What’s Wrong with America,
and
Hot Animal Love: Tales of Modern Romance.
Born in the San Francisco Bay Area, he now lives, writes, and teaches in London.

A
NN
B
RASHARES
is the author of
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
novels and
The Last Summer (of You and Me).
J
ACOB
C
OLLINS
is a painter and the founder of The Water Street Atelier and The Grand Central Academy of Art. Together they live in New York City with their three children and their large and beloved black Labrador, Finny.

B
EN
B
RASHARES,
who recently completed his MFA in creative writing, lives in Berkeley, California, with his girlfriend, son, and two dogs. His work has appeared in
Rolling Stone, GQ, Men’s Journal,
and
Maxim.

B
ONNIE JO
C
AMPBELL
is the author of the novel
O Road,
and the story collection
Women and Other Animals.
She lives outside Kalamazoo, Michigan, where she trains her donkeys and tries to convince her dogs that if they don’t want to be chased, they should stay out of the pasture.

M
ARGARET
C
HO
is a comedian and writer. Her successful 1999 off-Broadway show,
I’m the One That I Want,
was made into a film and was the basis for her bestselling book of the same name; her second book,
I Have Chosen to Stay and Fight,
was published in 2005. She is the recipient of the First Amendment Award from the ACLU of Southern California, and has also been honored by the National Organization for Women, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund. She maintains an award-winning blog at MargaretCho.com.

N
EVA
C
HONIN
is Critic at Large for the
San Francisco Chronicle.
Her journalistic duties include a weekly column, “Live!Rude!Girl!,” in which she ruminates on cheese, Harry Potter, epistemology, and French Bulldogs. The four are not connected. Dogless but still hopeful, she shares her studio apartment with a mouse named Mouse.

N
ANCY
C
OHEN
has written for numerous television shows, including
The King of Queens; Sabrina, the Teenage Witch;
and
Blind Date,
where she met her husband while writing thought-bubbles. She is currently developing her own series,
Baggage,
for Channel 4 in the UK.

S
USAN
C
ONANT
is the author of one Cat Lover’s Mystery and seventeen Dog Lover’s Mysteries, and a six-time winner of the Dog Writers’ Association of America’s Maxwell Award. She lives in Newton, Massachusetts, with her husband, two cats, and Alaskan Malamute, Django.

T
HOMAS
C
OONEY
is a writer and a bargain hunter, and has had a past (albeit brief ) career of being mistaken for a Bollywood film idol. MFA Program Coordinator at Saint Mary’s College of California, he shares his couch with his Oakland Terrier, Newman.

C
ATHY
C
RIMMINS
is the award-winning author of twenty-two books, including
Where Is the Mango Princess?
and
How the Homosexuals Saved Civilization.
Her work has appeared in the
Village Voice, Redbook, Working Mother, Parent’s Digest, Hysteria, Funny Times, Glamour,
and other publications. She lives in Hollywood, California, where her dog Silver is trying to break into the movies.

A
LICE
E
LLIOTT
D
ARK
is the author of two short-story collections,
Naked to the Waist
and
In the Gloaming,
and a novel,
Think of England.
Her work has appeared in
The New Yorker, Harper’s, Doubletake, Book Magazine, Five Points, Redbook,
and
Best American Short Stories of the Century.
She frequently writes essays for the
New York Times
and various anthologies. The dogs on her bed at the moment are a Miniature Dachshund and a Schipperke.

M
EGHAN
D
AUM
is a columnist at the
Los Angeles Times
and the author of the novel
The Quality of Life Report
and the essay collection
My Misspent Youth.
Her work has appeared in
The New Yorker, Harper’s, Vogue, Elle,
and the
New York Times Book Review,
among other publications.

G
REGORY
E
DMONT
is an author and screenwriter. His first book,
Spotted in France,
chronicles his extraordinary journey across France by motor scooter with his Dalmatian, JP, and is being adapted as a film. Their adventures continue in his new book,
Château Stray.
He and his adopted son split their time between New York, California, and the south of France, with JP and his own liver-spotted son, Sketch.

J.F. E
NGLERT
is the author of
A Dog About Town
and
The Collar.
He is a graduate of the Columbia School of Journalism, attended Fordham University School of Law, and has written for the
New York Times,
among other publications.

A
L
F
RANKEN,
who hosted the
Al Franken Show,
flagship program of Air America Radio, is an Emmy Award–winning television writer and producer;
New York Times
bestselling author; Grammy-winning comedian; and, most recently, candidate for U.S. senator from the state of Minnesota. Franken was part of the original writing staff that created the groundbreaking late night show
Saturday Night Live.
His books include
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations,
and
The Truth (with Jokes).

B
RIAN
F
RAZER
is the author of
Hyper-chondriac: One Man’s Quest to Hurry Up and Calm Down.
His work has appeared in
Esquire, Vanity Fair, Premiere, ESPN,
and
Los Angeles.

K
INKY
F
RIEDMAN
is a singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, and politician (most recently, he ran as an Independent in the 2006 Texas gubernatorial race). Originally a country-and-western singer, he went on to write a succession of crime-thriller detective novels featuring himself as the hero. A former columnist for
Texas Monthly,
he also supports animal rescue work through donation of his share of the proceeds from the sale of his “private stock” salsa.

F
RANK
G
ANNON
has written four books and is a frequent contributor to
The New Yorker, Harper’s,
and
Soldier of Fortune
magazines (just kidding on the last one). He was not allowed to have a dog when he was a kid, so he has neurotically overcompensated by having many, many dogs as an adult. He lives with his mixed-breed Terrier, Otto, and his wife, Paulette, in the mountains of north Georgia. To Otto, he is “The Great One Who Takes Me on Walks.”

G
EORGIA
G
ETZ
is an acclaimed essayist, novelist, screenwriter, and director. No, wait!—that’s Nora Ephron. But Georgia did
dream
of one day becoming these things and more—just as soon as she finished college at the age of thirty-five. In the meantime, she wrote several unacclaimed essays, TV pilots, and screenplays, and raised two children and one humor blog: iambossy.com. You’ll find Getz’s name featured on the cover of the finest magazines—right on the subscription tag.