I Don't Want to Lose You (30 page)

             
“I don't know that,” she said as she rolled her neck like an amateur.

             
“Well, I'm telling you that,” I said as I rolled my neck like the professional that I was.

             
“Okay, I didn't mean to start anything,” Theo said.

             
“Oh, it's been shut down so hakuna matata.”  I looked at my sister and rolled my eyes at her.

             
“You guys need to be quiet.  'Martin' is coming on,” she said, trying to be bossy.

             
“You two like this show?” he asked with a hint of surprise.

             
“What's wrong with 'Martin'?” Phaedra asked.

             
“Do you feel that he represents your race in a favorable way?” he asked genuinely. “This isn't how Black people act.  At least I don't think they do.”

             
“And how many Black people do you know?  Four?” she asked with a touch of anger and a sprinkle of offensiveness.

             
I turned to her and said, “Oh, hold up.  Watch your tone with my man, okay?  I got this.”  I turned to him after putting my alter ego away, picking up my work phone voice which almost resembled an anchorwoman reporting a serious story.  “Love, this is a comedy.  Not a docudrama, not a reality show, but a sitcom.  There are many different types of comedies, such as family comedy, raunchy comedy and so forth.  The characters of this particular one may be an exaggeration of what actually exists in order to cause the viewers to laugh, which not only increases the shows viewership, but also it's longevity.  That is, after all, the intention of a sitcom.”

             
“Preach it,” Phaedra interrupted before putting a forkful of food in her mouth.

             
I continued, “A way that you might be able to relate to it as a Mexican is with your infamously known Cheech and Chong.”

             
“Yep, yep,” Phaedra added with her mouth full.

             
Theo chuckled.

             
I continued, “One could suggest that these two pot smoking men don't represent your race in a favorable way, but viewers comprehend that the work that they did was done for comedic purposes.  That is why after their work in 'Up in Smoke' was well received, they continued on with making films that are categorized as stoner comedy.”

             
“Oh, no you didn't.” Phaedra interrupted.

             
I turned to her and said, “I did.”  I turned my attention back to him and continued with as much earnestness as I could since he was grinning, “So as you can see, your people got yours and our people got ours, so back off.  Can I get an amen?”

             
Phaedra said, “Amen.  There it is.”

             
Theo smiled and said, “Touché.”  He leaned over and asked, “Do you two work together like this often?”

             
I feigned ignorance and answered, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

             
“Yeah, right,” he said.  “You never seem to know what I'm talking about.  I'm starting to wonder who the real politician is between the two of us. You were too comfortable giving that speech.”

             
“I have to always be prepared as a politician's wife.”  I turned to see what episode of “Martin” was coming on.  “Oh no, this conversation is over.  I love this episode.”  I started singing “Forever Shenehneh” until I was shushed by Phaedra.  I continued to eat because my food was getting cold. 

             
We sat there and watched back to back episodes and he found them to be funny enough to ask, “Do you happen to have any 'Martin' episodes on tape?”

             
“You know I do,” I answered. 

              I got off of work early, again, due to morning sickness.  It was the last day we were needed at my parents' house because they would be back the next afternoon.  I had expected to be alone since Theo had an appointment and was supposed to be hanging out with Ralph.  I went to my room to lie down on my bed and just kind of looked around.  Something didn't feel right.  Things didn't look right.  While much hadn't been shifted around, I could tell a few things were out of place.  Then it occurred to me that Mr. Cabrera could have possibly done some snooping around in my room.  Either that or an intruder was in the house.  I got the steel bat that I kept under my bed and quietly left the room to check out the rest of the house which seemed to be in fine order.

             
As I got closer to the back door, I could hear voices, one of them being Theo.   I peeked through the blinds, as I was a good spy and knew how to move them enough to not be noticed but capable of seeing everything.  I saw him and Ralph sitting at the patio table.  I heard the familiar words that Theo was reading and steam shot out of my ears.  I opened the door and went outside, bat in hand, with a deranged look on my face, which was an indication that my body had been taken over by Bonewalaquishanae.

             
“What are you doing, Teodoro?” I asked, with my left eye twitching.

             
He quickly put the binder down and looked like a deer in headlights.  “What are you doing home?”             

             
“I asked a question first.  Why are you reading my poems?  Those were my private thoughts and feelings and if I wanted them shared with other people, I would have done so.”

             
“What's the problem?  They're good,” he said.

             
Ralph nodded, “They really are.”

             
“Thanks, but that's not the point.  This is an invasion of privacy,” I said.

             
“I heard your stuff in high school.  What's the big deal about this?” Theo asked.

             
“I let you hear what I wanted heard,” I answered.  “I didn't want this to be heard.”

             
“I'm sorry.  We'll stop,” he said as he closed my binder.

             
My mind raced back to my bedroom and where I kept the things I didn't want anyone to see.  It was never an issue because it was my room and I never had to share it for more than a night with anyone.  Then it occurred to me that something else may have been found.

             
“Did you read my diary?” I asked him.

             
Silence.

             
“Did you read my diary?” I asked enunciating each syllable.

             
Sensing the tension, Ralph got up and said, “I think I'm going to leave now.”  He walked out through the side gate that they had come in.

             
Theo got up and started to come over to me.

             
“Dead man walking,” I said as I tapped the bat against the ground.

             
He stood in front of me.  “Nothing I can say or do is going to save me, is it?”

             
“Nope.”

             
“Well, then let me say my last words.”  He took an exaggerated deep breath then spoke dramatically.  “I love my wife.  She's the love of my life.  I'm glad that I had the time that I had to be with her and hope that one day she will forgive me for the sins I have committed against her.  It was all done to help me get to know how her better and how she thinks and it made me appreciate her more.  Tell my parents that I love them and my little brother that I hope he can grow up and find a woman as wonderful as my wife, even if she's about to kill me.  Being in her omniscient presence has been my privilege.”  He put his arms up to cover his face and crouched.  “Don't hurt me too bad.”

             
I stopped tapping the bat. “This isn't funny.  That was personal stuff.”

             
“Then what was the point of writing it down?  When something is written down, it's normally done with the intent of being read someday at some time by someone.  I don't see what the big deal is.”

             
My temper was slowly going down.  He did have a logical point and he was a guy without any sisters, so he wasn't aware of how much of a no-no that was. 

             
“For your information, I have read some of it to people.”  I didn’t bother to mention that it was to my younger cousins when I would babysit them.  They used to think that anything that rhymed was a work of literary genius.  “You had to really look around to find this stuff.  I didn't know I needed to hide it better from you.”

             
“I don't see why you had to hide it from me in the first place.”

             
I dropped the bat to the ground.  While I had a leg to stand on, there was no point.  There was only one thing that concerned me.  “Did you read my diary to anyone?”

             
“No, I wouldn't do that.  I just read the poems with Ralph.  I didn't know you had such a dark side. You're such an anomaly.  You love to sing happy songs and love songs, but then you write poetry that's a bit sinister.”

             
“Sinister?” I couldn't hide the offense that had been taken.

             
He nodded.  “Don't believe me?  Read your stuff.”

             
I chuckled.  “I've already read it.”

             
“Then you should know exactly what I mean.  I have to admit I liked the diary more and seeing people from your perspective, including the stuff about me.  Even though you're mad at me for reading it, I'm glad that I did.  I learned more about what makes you tick in one book than I could have ever known without it before I die.  I was surprised I was in there as much as I was.  Sometimes I had doubted if I was as important to you as you always had been to me.”  His loving smile turned into a disgusted frown.  “I was disturbed to read of how bad things were with Nathaniel.  I can see why you would break up with him, but I didn't get why you would go back.”

             
“Me neither,” I agreed.

             
He lifted my chin up to prepare to kiss me.  “You don't have to worry about being treated like that with me.” 

             
As he leaned in, I jumped back and ran to the grass.  I still wasn't feeling well. 

             
When I was done, he grabbed the water hose to try to clean it up or at least make it not look like a pile of vomit.  I took some of the water from the hose and rinsed my mouth out.  We went into the house and I laid on the bed and enjoyed a sympathetic, well deserved foot rub. 

             
Once we were ready for bed that evening, we snuggled up next to each other with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me.  Using our free hands, we played with each other’s fingers.  We listened to the CDs in my stereo and I was able to use my remote to skip over the songs that didn’t suit the mood.  I quietly sang along with some of them as I received the occasional peck on the forehead. Everything was fine until “Always” by Pebbles came on.  In the middle of the second chorus, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn’t get another sound to come out.  It was as if my throat had closed up.  There I was singing a song to him pleading for him to not leave or desert me, but the truth was that he didn’t have a choice.  With or without him, I knew I would always love him.

             
My sudden silence made him ask if I was okay to which I falsely replied that I was fine.  We continued to listen to the rest of the song while I silently wept as my tear stains dampened his shirt.  When the song was over he kissed my hand and said, “Lo siento,” apologizing.  He didn’t have to say anything else for me to know why.

             
I shook my head and said, “Don’t be.  I’m not.”  I wiped my face and eventually fell asleep in my husband’s arms.                           

CHAPTER FORTY ONE

              Early one evening we were out taking a walk to my parents' home to get some exercise.  It had been a warm, sunny day and we were being blessed with a slight breeze.  My family wasn’t at home and I didn't know where they went.  It was too soon to walk back because he needed a respite so we decided to sit outside.  We went to the furthest part of the backyard where there was a hammock and we both laid on it.  As soon as I was comfortable, I closed my eyes and tried to let each gentle breeze of the wind wipe away the concerns in my mind one at a time.  After I took a deep sigh, I felt his hand grab mine and kiss it.  I turned to look at him to see a serious expression on his face.

             
“What's wrong?” I asked him.

             
He tilted his head.  “Are you happy?”

             
I frowned.  “Happy about what?”

             
“What do you mean 'about what’?”

             
“You asked a generic question and I don't want to give a generic answer,” I replied.  “Am I happy it's not raining right now?  Yes.  Am I happy to be off of my feet?  Yes.  Am I happy that there are kids starving in Africa? No.  Am I happy that Puppy ate the last of my pie? No.”             

             
He thought for a second.  “That was two weeks ago.”

             
“I know, but I still wanted that last slice and I'm not too pleased that he ate it.”

             
He rolled his eyes.  “Fine.  Are you happy about your decision to be with me?”

             
I furrowed my eyebrows.  “Have I said or done anything to make you think that I'm not?”

             
He shook his head and there went that apple.  “This is never what I wanted for you or wanted to give you.  You deserve a hundred times more than what you're getting and I'm not in a position to even give you one time more than this.  You left this,” he pointed to my parents' home, “and school to come live with me in my bedroom at my parents' house.  You work, I don't.  I can't do much of anything to keep a job to take care of you and now there's a baby coming.”  He took a deep breath.  “This was not how I wanted things for us.”

             
“So you’re calling me stupid?” I asked.

             
“What?  I didn’t say that.”

             
“Yes, you did.”

             
“No, I didn’t.  Babe, that word didn’t even come out of my mouth.”

             
“But you just insinuated that I’m stupid because I must not have thought about what I was leaving behind versus what I was going to.  I’m not stupid.”

             
“I know, babe, and that’s not what I was trying to imply.”  He rubbed my stomach.

             
“Didn't you think about this before you told me you wanted me to marry you right now?” I asked.              

             
He joined his fingers with mine.  “Honestly, I didn't plan on asking you to marry me.  That night I had just planned on hanging out with you and trying to convince you to leave Nathaniel to be with me.  I mean
really
be with me, not like how it was in high school. But I was pouring out my heart and just couldn't seem to stop and it came out.”

             
My countenance fell. With all that I sacrificed to be with him and the sacrifices yet to be made, it felt like suddenly someone was unnecessarily using an ice pick to chip away pieces of my heart. 

             
I could barely breathe when I asked, “So you didn't want to marry me?”  I bit my lower lip.

             
He quickly responded, “I didn't say that.  I said that I didn't plan on asking you that night.  I have nothing to offer but took a chance anyway.  You have no idea how I was in shock that you said yes.  I wanted to at least be out of my parents' house and making money before I asked you to marry me so that I could take care of you, not the other way around. It would have been great to have given you an engagement ring.”

             
I was able to breathe again.  “Theo, I knew what I was getting into when I said yes.  I knew what your limitations were most likely going to be and I was okay with that.  You made a compelling argument when you asked me and you were right when you said we would both lose if we didn't do it.  The truth is that Nathaniel was somewhat of a stand in for your spot.  Knowing the actuality of things, I didn't want to lose what I didn't know I had always wanted and should have never denied myself of having.  Does that make sense because I'm confusing myself?”

             
He chuckled.  “It makes sense.  Do you want to know about the first time that I realized that I liked you?”

             
I turned to face him and said, “Please, do tell,” sounding like a teenage girl about to hear some juicy gossip.  Truthfully, I was still a teenage girl.

             
His eyes squinted as though he was trying to remember way back in time when we had only known each other for seven years, which wasn't that far back.  “We were in Mrs. Winston's class in junior high school for American History.”

             
It was then my turn to squint my eyes to try to remember way back then because I didn't recall him being in the same class.  “You were in there?  I knew we were in Algebra together but I don't remember you being in there?”

             
“I was there,” he said taking no offense.  “You sat in the front and I sat in the back because I hated history.  I remember you were a defense lawyer for the mock trial that the class was doing.  You were so good.  I was on the jury and just knew your client was guilty.  But you were on top of everything with your line of questioning of the prosecution's witnesses.  And each one of the prosecution's objections kept getting overruled.  I remember everyone was shocked with the stuff you brought out that no one had thought about.  You didn't even have to put your client on the stand and was able to win the case by the way you handled everything.  After listening to your closing argument and seeing how everyone got riled up over your supreme awesomeness,” he paused as I giggled, “you were on my radar.”

             
I looked confused.  “That did it for you?  Winning a mock trial?”

             
“Did you think I was kidding when I said I wanted a powerful woman that could command a crowd?  If you were able to get him off when he was obviously guilty, what else could you do?”

             
“Especially for a politician,” I added.

             
“Especially,” he said with a big grin.  “That's why I didn't care that you insisted on calling me Theo when we got grouped together in Algebra.”

             
“You wouldn't have won that battle anyway.  You were smart to put up the white flag.”

             
“I'm not a complete idiot.  Notice, I don't argue with you now either.”

             
That had answered the question for me as to why I had become the exception to calling him Teodoro.  “So when did you know you wanted to marry me?” I asked.

             
“That's easy.  When we were in geometry class in tenth grade and you made your case about trying out for the football team.  You made some pretty valid points.   I would have asked you then if I could have.”

             
I laughed.  “So everything that attracted you to me had to do with me running my mouth and arguing?”

             
He nodded.  “Pretty much.  So when did you figure out that you liked me?”