I Hate You—Don't Leave Me (7 page)

The borderline's endless quest is to find a perfect caregiver who will be all-giving and omnipresent. The search often leads to partners with complementary pathology: both lack insight into their mutual destructiveness. For example, Michelle desperately craves protection and comfort from a man. Mark displays bravura self-assurance; even though the self-assurance covers his deep insecurity, it fits the bill for Michelle. Just as Michelle needs Mark to be her protective white knight, so Mark needs Michelle to remain helpless and dependent on his beneficence. After a while, both fail to live up to their assigned stereotypes. Mark cannot bear the narcissistic wounds of challenge or failure and begins to cover his frustrations with alcohol and by physically abusing Michelle. Michelle bristles under his controlling yoke, yet becomes frightened when she sees his weaknesses. The dissatisfactions lead to more provocation and more conflict.

Afflicted with self-loathing, the borderline distrusts others' expressions of caring. Like Groucho Marx, he would never belong to a club that would have him as a member. Sam, for example, was a twenty-one-year-old college student whose chief complaint in therapy was “I need a date.” An attractive man with serious interpersonal problems, Sam characteristically approached women he deemed inaccessible. However, whenever his overtures were accepted, he immediately devalued the woman as no longer desirable.

All of these characteristics make it difficult for borderlines to achieve real intimacy. As Carrie relates, “A few men have wanted to marry me, but I have a big problem with getting close or being touched. I can't tolerate it.” The borderline cannot seem to gain enough independence to be dependent in healthy, rather than desperate, ways. True sharing is sacrificed to a demanding dependency and a desperate need to join with another person in order to complete one's own identity, as kind of Siamese twins of the soul. “You complete me,” the famous line from the film
Jerry Maguire
, turns into an elusive goal that is always just out of reach.

Borderlines lack a constant, core sense of identity, just as they lack a constant, core conceptualization of others. The borderline does not accept her own intelligence, attractiveness, or sensitivity as constant traits, but rather as comparative qualities to be continually re-earned and judged against others'. The borderline may view herself as intelligent, for example, based solely on the results of a just-administered IQ test. Later that day when she makes a “dumb mistake” she will revert to seeing herself as “stupid.” The borderline considers herself attractive until she spies a woman whom she feels is prettier, then she feels ugly. Surely, the borderline envies the self-acceptance of Popeye—“I yam what I yam.” As in her close relationships, the borderline becomes mired in a kind of amnesia—about herself. The past becomes obfuscated; she is much like the demanding boss who continually asks herself and others, “Yeah, so? What have you done for me lately?”

For the borderline, identity is graded on a curve. Who she is (and what she does) today determines her worth, with little regard to what has come before. The borderline allows herself no laurels on which to rest. Like Sisyphus, she is doomed to roll the boulder repeatedly up the hill, needing to prove herself over and over again. Self-esteem is only attained through impressing others, so pleasing others becomes critical to loving herself.

In his book
Marilyn
, Norman Mailer describes how Marilyn Monroe's search for identity became Marilyn's driving force, absorbing all aspects of her life:

Later, Marilyn found sustenance in acting, particularly in “the Method”:

The borderline's struggle in establishing a consistent identity is related to a prevailing sense of inauthenticity—a constant sense of “faking it.” Most of us experience this sensation at various times in our lives. When one starts a new job, for example, one tries to exude an air of knowledge and confidence. After gaining experience, the confidence becomes increasingly genuine because one has learned the system and no longer needs to fake it. As Kurt Vonnegut wrote, “We are what we pretend to be.” Or, as some phrase it, “Fake it 'til you make it.”

The borderline never reaches that point of confidence. He continues to feel like he is faking it and is terrified that he will, sooner or later, be “found out.” This is particularly true when the borderline achieves some kind of success—it feels misplaced, undeserved.

This chronic sense of being a fake or sham probably originates in childhood. As explored in chapter 3, the pre-borderline often grows up feeling inauthentic due to various environmental circumstances—suffering physical or sexual abuse or being forced to adopt an adult's role while still a child or to parent his own sick parent. At the other extreme, he may be discouraged from maturing and separating, and may be trapped in a dependent child's role, well past an appropriate time for separation. In all of these situations, the borderline never develops a separate sense of self but continues to “fake” a role that is prescribed by someone else. (“He never chooses an opinion,” was how Leo Tolstoy described one of his characters, “he just wears whatever happens to be in style.”) If he fails in the role, he fears he will be punished; if he succeeds, he is sure he will soon be uncovered as a fraud and be humiliated.

Unrealistic attempts at achieving a state of perfection are often part of the borderline pattern. For example, a borderline anorexic might try to maintain a constant low weight and become horrified if it varies as little as one pound, unaware that this expectation is unrealistic. Perceiving themselves as static, rather than in a dynamic state of change, borderlines may view any variation from this inflexible self-image as shattering.

Conversely, the borderline may search for satisfaction in the opposite direction—by frequently changing jobs, careers, goals, friends, sometimes even gender. By altering external situations and making drastic changes in lifestyle, he hopes to achieve inner contentment. Some instances of so-called midlife crisis or male menopause represent an extreme attempt to ward off fears of mortality or deal with disappointments in life choices. An adolescent borderline may constantly change his clique of friends—from “jocks” to “burnouts” to “brains” to “geeks”—hoping to achieve a sense of belonging and acceptance. Even sexual identity can be a source of confusion for the borderline. Some writers have noted an increased incidence of homosexuality, bisexuality, and sexual perversions among borderline personalities.
²⁷

Cult groups that promise unconditional acceptance, a structured social framework, and a circumscribed identity are powerful attractions for the borderline personality. When the individual's identity and value system merge with the accepting group's, the faction's leader assumes extraordinary power—to the point where he can induce followers to emulate his actions, even if fatal, as witnessed by the Jonestown Massacre in 1978, the fatal conflict with Branch Davidians in 1993, and the mass suicides of the Heaven's Gate cult in 1997.

Aaron, after dropping out of college, attempted to assuage his feelings of aimlessness by joining the “Moonies.” He left the cult after two years, only to return after two more years of directionless wandering among different cities and jobs. Ten months later he left the group again, but this time, lacking a stable set of goals or a comfortable sense of who he was or what he wanted, he attempted suicide.

The phenomenon of “cluster suicides,” especially among teenagers, may reflect weaknesses in identity formation. The national suicide rate dramatically leaps upward after the suicide of a famous person, such as Marilyn Monroe or Kurt Cobain. The same dynamics may operate among adolescents with fragile identity structures: they are susceptible to the suicidal tendencies of the peer group leader or of another suicidal teenage group in the same region.

The borderline's behaviors may be sudden and contradictory, since they result from strong, momentary feelings—perceptions that represent isolated, unconnected snapshots of experience. The immediacy of the present exists in isolation, without the benefit of the experience of the past, or the hopefulness of the future. Because historical patterns, consistency, and predictability are unavailable to the borderline, similar mistakes are repeated again and again. The 2001 film
Memento
presents metaphorically what the borderline faces on a regular basis. Afflicted with short-term memory loss, insurance investigator Leonard Selby must hang Polaroids and Post-it notes all over his room—and even tattoo messages on his own body—to remind himself what has happened only hours or minutes before. (In one car-chase scene, trying to avenge his wife's murder, he cannot remember if he is chasing someone—or being chased!) The film dramatically illustrates the loneliness of a man who constantly feels “like I just woke up.” The borderline's limited patience and need for immediate gratification may be connected to behaviors that define other BPD criteria: Impulsive conflict and rage may emerge from the frustrations of a stormy relationship (criterion 2); precipitous mood changes (criterion 6) may result in impulsive outbursts; inappropriate outbursts of anger (criterion 8) may develop from a failure to control impulses; self-destructive or self-mutilating behaviors (criterion 5) may result from the borderline's frustrations. Often, impulsive actions such as drug and alcohol abuse serve as defenses against feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

Joyce was a thirty-one-year-old divorced woman who increasingly turned to alcohol after her divorce and her husband's subsequent remarriage. Though attractive and talented, she let her work deteriorate and spent more time at bars. “I made a career out of avoiding,” she later said. When the pain of being alone and feeling abandoned became too great, she would use alcohol as anesthesia. She would sometimes pick up men and take them home with her. Characteristically, after such alcohol or sexual binges, she would berate herself with guilt and feel deserving of her husband's abandonment. Then the cycle would start again, as she required more punishment for her worthlessness. Thus, self-destructiveness became both a means of avoiding pain and a mechanism for inflicting it as expiation for her sins.

Suicidal threats and gestures—reflecting both the borderline's propensity for overwhelming depression and hopelessness and his knack for manipulating others—are prominent features of BPD.

As many as 75 percent of borderlines have a history of self-mutilation, and the vast majority of those have made at least one suicide attempt.
²⁸
Often, the frequent threats or halfhearted suicide attempts are not a wish to die but rather a way to communicate pain and a plea for others to intervene. Unfortunately, when habitually repeated, these suicidal gestures often lead to just the opposite scenario—others get fed up and stop responding, which may result in progressively more serious attempts. Suicidal behavior is one of the most difficult BPD symptoms for family and therapists to cope with: addressing it can result in endless unproductive confrontations; ignoring it can result in death (see chapters 6-8). Although many of the defining criteria for BPD diminish over time, the risk of suicide persists throughout the life cycle.
²⁹
Borderlines with a childhood history of sexual abuse are ten times more likely to attempt suicide.
³⁰

Self-mutilation—except when clearly associated with psychosis—is the hallmark of BPD. This behavior, more closely connected to BPD than any other psychiatric malady, may take the form of self-inflicted wounds to the genitals, limbs, or torso. For these borderlines, the body becomes a road map highlighted with a lifetime tour of self-inflicted scars. Razors, scissors, fingernails, and lit cigarettes are some of the more common instruments used; excessive use of drugs, alcohol, or food can also inflict the damage.

Often, self-mutilation begins as an impulsive, self-punishing action, but over time it may become a studied, ritualistic procedure. In such instances the borderline may carefully scar body areas that are covered by clothing—which illustrates the borderline's intense ambivalence: he feels compelled to flamboyantly self-punish, yet he carefully conceals the evidence of his tribulation. Though many people get tattoos for decorative reasons, on a societal level the increasing fascination with tattoos and piercings over the past two decades may be less a fashion trend than a reflection of borderline tendencies in society (see chapter 4).