I Know I've Been Changed (9 page)

Chapter 14

I
rolled my eyes at Simone’s report on the noon news. She was at some petroleum fire doing a live report. She was the lead story. What happened to training? How did she go from being a reporter trainee to being the top story in the newscast? It probably had something to do with how chummy she was with Dina. Every time I turned around, they were giggling like schoolgirls.

I know people might think I’m jealous or something. Really, I’m not. Simone was no threat to me. I just couldn’t appreciate her being given a handout when I had had to work so hard to get where I am.

I started going through my mail. I had the usual assortment of fan mail, press releases, and so forth. There was also an oversize envelope from Shondella. I recognized her crooked handwriting immediately. Could it possibly be her paying me back some of the money she owed me?

“I seriously doubt that,” I muttered as I grabbed my letter opener and pried the envelope open. I reached in and pulled out the contents. It was the front page of the
Sweet Poke Times
. Why would Shondella send me the newspaper? Then I thought about it. My sister has always had an obsession with newspapers. It’s crazy. In addition to the
Sweet Poke Times
, she reads at least three other newspapers a day. She had been doing it since she was a teenager. Personally, I think that allowed her to escape her bland existence, but that was just my two cents.

As soon as I unfolded the paper, I saw why she’d sent it to me. Reno was on the front of the paper with the headline “Local Coach Saves Drowning Toddler.” He was holding a beautiful little girl. A homely-looking woman stood next to him, cheesing like a Cheshire cat. I immediately read the cut-line under the picture. “Sweet Poke High School football coach Reno McBride poses with his wife, Edith Louise McBride, and Imani, a three-year-old he rescued from the Arkansas River. McBride was fishing along the banks when the little girl, who was with her family nearby, fell into the river.”

A nostalgic smile spread across my face. Reno, a hero? I couldn’t believe how well his life had turned out. Well, I guess good by Sweet Poke standards. I’d always thought he would end up with a dead-end job, a bunch of babies, and a boring existence. I looked closely at the picture of his wife. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her face. She had one of those faces that you definitely wouldn’t remember. She was as bland as dry toast. And what in the world was that she had on? Why would she take a picture in that frumpy dress? It was a yellow paisley number with a huge, matronly lace collar. Her honey-colored hair was pinned up in a bun on top of her head. Huge bifocal-looking glasses sat on the bridge of her nose. Unbelievable. “Good grief, Reno. You couldn’t do any better than that?” I muttered.

I was surprised at the tinge of jealousy I felt. Maybe it was because both of them looked genuinely happy. Maybe it was because I’d half-expected Reno to wither up and die when I’d left.

It’s been seven years, get over it
. I shook off thoughts of Reno. I guessed he would never truly be out of my system. After all, he was my first real love. The first man I’d ever made love to. The man who’d gotten me pregnant. I closed my eyes as the memories came rushing back.

“You’re what?”

“I didn’t stutter. I said, I’m having a baby.” I was standing outside Reno’s house, tears rushing down my face. Not only was I devastated that I was pregnant, I was also furious that I had let myself become a Sweet Poke statistic.

Reno scratched his head in what I thought was stunned disbelief. Until he broke out in a big smile. “So you’re really pregnant?”

I couldn’t believe this fool was standing there smiling at me like I’d told him we had just won the lottery or something. “Yes, and what are you smiling about?”

“I’m going to be a daddy!” Reno slapped his knee and started dancing around. I looked at him like he had lost his mind.

“I said, I’m pregnant. I ain’t said nothing about nobody being a daddy,” I snapped as I wiped away my tears.

Reno stopped dancing and glared at me. “What are you talking about?”

“Boy, I ain’t finna have no damn baby. Be stuck here forever. Living on welfare. Are you crazy?” My heart was racing. I started to envision diapers and food stamps and everything I ever dreamed of going up in smoke.

Reno’s expression turned serious. “No, Raedella, I think you’re the crazy one if you’re saying what I think you’re saying.”

He wasn’t fazing me. No, I didn’t ever want to be in this position, but I was here now. I knew what I had to do. I was shaking as I raised my head high. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said, “I’m saying, I need three hundred dollars and for you to drive me to Little Rock to take care of this. We don’t have a choice and it’s not open for discussion.” I crossed my arms and glared back at him to let him know I was serious.

He continued to stare at me, dumbfounded. “So you would just kill our child?”

I felt myself shudder. I couldn’t believe he went there. This wasn’t easy for me but I saw the big picture.

“God wouldn’t approve of this.”

“Oh, don’t go getting all holy on me. You wasn’t thinking about that when you was having sex with me!” I huffed and fought back tears again. “Besides, God will understand. God knows this”—I flung my arms out—“He knows this is not my destiny! I’m about to finish high school. I’m going to college so I can get a degree and get out of Sweet Poke.”

Reno reached out and took my hand. “Why are you always talking about leaving Sweet Poke? This is your home.”

I jerked my hand away. “News flash! I’m bigger than this. And a baby will mess up my plans.”

“Don’t say that. This is a blessing.”

I rolled my eyes and threw up my hands. My head was pounding and Reno was about to get on my last nerve.

“Reno, you graduated last year,” I calmly tried to explain. “You don’t have a job. You live with your mama and your eleven brothers and sisters.”

“And?”

Now it was my turn to look at him like he was crazy. “
And
, where would we live?” I couldn’t believe he was seriously thinking we should have this baby. As much as I loved him, he knew a baby wasn’t in my future. At least not anytime soon.

“We could get our own place. I can get a job at the railroad and we could be one big happy family.” Reno nodded his head like he had it all figured out.

“Yeah, and we can get us a farm, some chickens, and, hey, let’s spring for some cows. And maybe I can gets me a job cleaning white folks’ houses.”

“Stop being silly.”

“You the one being silly if you think I’m about to have a baby. Then I’ll be pregnant again next year, then the year after that. You won’t stop until I have seven kids and I’m stuck here in Sweet Poke the rest of my life.” I sighed deeply, regretting that I had even told him about the baby. I should have just borrowed the money and gone ahead and had an abortion on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Reno stepped toward me and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “What if I tell you I don’t want you to do this. That I want you to have my baby.”

I exhaled as I continued to fight off the tears. “I would say, let me hit that crack pipe you smoking.”

“I’m serious, Rae.” He tried to pull me toward him. “You graduate in a few months. We could do this.”

I pulled myself from his grasp and pulled my emotions in check. “Reno, this isn’t open for discussion. Are you going to give me the money or not?”

“So you would really kill our baby?”

I bit down on my lip. He made me seem like a cold-blooded killer. “You know what, Reno, go to hell. I’ll take care of this on my own!”

With that, I stormed off, leaving Reno leaning up against his 1979 pickup truck. I refused to have this baby, mess up my life, and end up like my sister. With or without Reno’s help, I was going to do what I had to do.

I shivered as I thought of that day. I had borrowed the money from a guy named Felton, who had a huge crush on me throughout high school. I had gone crying on his shoulder and he liked me so much he gave me the money. He wanted to go with me, but I wouldn’t let him. I had gone by myself to Little Rock to have an abortion. It was the loneliest, most horrible day of my life. I had come close so many times to backing out. Reno’s words about me killing our baby rang in my head all the way there. The only thing that kept me strong was my desire to leave Sweet Poke.

I cried like a baby when I left that clinic. In fact, I sat in the ladies’ room of the bus station and cried for a good two hours. But I’d finally pulled myself together and headed home.

I glanced back down at the picture of Reno. He had been so furious with me. It had taken him almost a month before he would even talk to me again. But we did get back together and eventually things returned to normal. Neither he nor I ever mentioned the baby again.

Felton, on the other hand, had flipped out when he found out I’d got back together with Reno. He accused me of using him and even stalked me for a little while. But he ended up getting arrested for something and I no longer had to deal with him.

After that, I stopped sleeping with Reno. I just couldn’t chance something like that happening again. Maybe that was part of the reason he went to Ann Paxton. I don’t know, but at that point in my life, only one thing mattered and that was doing whatever it took to get out of Sweet Poke.

Chapter 15

I
hated the call-in segments of my talk show. We tried to do a talk-back show at least once a month. The viewers loved this segment, which is why management wanted us to keep it. I love my show, but this was definitely an area I could do without. We always got people rambling on about one thing or another. Or, even worse, you never knew what someone would say, and I didn’t like surprises. The producer tried to screen the calls, but every now and then some prankster or mental case managed to sneak through.

I plastered on my fake smile at the psychologist who sat beside me, talking about mending rifts in families. The scholarly-looking, elderly woman seemed to know what she was talking about. But I’d be willing to bet my left arm she wouldn’t be able to mend things in my family.

“And so you see, parents don’t realize the impact their dysfunction has on their children,” Dr. Shumaker was saying. She had been talking to some woman who’d called in whining about how she never got love from her parents, and now she couldn’t give love, yada yada yada. This was getting on my nerves. Then, to top things off, I had been feeling sick to my stomach all day. I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes to go. I made a mental note to tell Ian these types of shows were out. Let the radio stations deal with the whiny callers. I had better things to do with my time.

I gave the obligatory nod, acting as if I were really interested in Dr. Shumaker’s analysis of this woman. That’s part of why my ratings were so good. Once I put on my TV persona, I could be more sensitive than Oprah.

“Thank you, Doctor,” the caller said. “Is there any way I can get your number and talk to you some more?”

Why people wasted money on a shrink was beyond me. But I was grateful this call had wrapped up. I jumped in.

“Absolutely. You can see her number up on the screen right now, and, of course, you can always log on to our Web site at TheRaeRollinsShow dot com. Thank you for sharing and we sincerely hope you mend your relationship with your parents. Stay with us, everybody, we’ll be back right after this.”

As we went to commercial break, I looked at the production assistant holding up two fingers. That meant we had two more callers to go. I wanted this show to be over already.

Ian talked into my earpiece. “Good job, Rae. This show is really interesting. The next caller is Rose and she wants to ask Dr. Shumaker how she can repair her relationship with a daughter she abandoned. Try and get some emotion out of her. I need some tears to end this show on.”

I froze. The smile left my face and I stared straight ahead. I must have heard him wrong. Dr. Shumaker noticed the look on my face. “Are you all right?” she asked.

I couldn’t move. Ian must have noticed it in his monitor in the control room because he started yelling in my earpiece. “Rae! What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Then I heard the director’s voice boom, “Thirty away!”

Dr. Shumaker leaned in and touched my leg. “What’s wrong? You look like you’re in shock.”

I shook my head, trying to get back to reality. This had to be an eerie coincidence. Rose would not have the audacity to call me live on the air. Ian was still yelling in my ear.

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” I said, shaking my head. I was about to tell Ian he would have to find out some more information on this Rose before we put her on the air but the director didn’t give me time.

“Rae, I need you to focus. Stand by! And five, four, three, two, one!” he shouted as he pointed his finger to let me know we were on.

The theme music for my show started playing and the camera panned toward me.
Shake it off!
I snapped to myself. I plastered on my smile, and when the red light came back on, I smiled toward the camera.

“Welcome back to
The Rae Rollins Show
. I’m your host, Rae Rollins, along with Dr. Elaine Shumaker from the Baylor College of Mental Health. It’s talk-back time and we’re talking to you about mending relationships with your family.” I took a deep breath. “On the line now is Rose. And, Rose, I understand you’re trying to mend your relationship with a daughter you abandoned.”

I kept my smile pasted, praying that this was not my Rose. At first, Rose didn’t say anything and I was hoping she had hung up. But then, when she spoke, there was no mistaking it. That was my mother.

“Um…yeah. I-I don’t know where to start. I was just wondering if…um, if the doctor could tell me, how do I get my daughter to forgive me?” Her voice was raspy, like she’d been crying.

It took everything in my power not to let my emotions show. I didn’t know how I felt. Astonished. Angry. Hurt. Terrified that she would reveal who she was.

Dr. Shumaker jumped in. “Well, Rose, let’s start with you telling us why you abandoned your daughter.”

Rose hesitated again. I took that as my opportunity to jump in. “It appears we’ve lost our caller. Let’s just move on to our next one.”

Ian began yelling something and I was trying to discreetly motion for the audio operator to go to the next call.

Rose spoke up before I could get rid of her. “I’m still here.”

I tried to keep the smile. “Oh, sorry. I thought we lost you.” I leaned back in my seat, trying not to let the defeat show.

“Yes, Rose,” Dr. Shumaker continued, “I was asking you why you abandoned your daughter.”

“I was young and, umm, I guess being a parent just got to be too overwhelming for me. I just gave my kids to my mother, who I thought could give them a better life.”

Keeping my smile was getting harder and harder.

“I also got…got hooked on drugs and, well, my judgment wasn’t its best. I made a huge mistake and I’m so sorry for it, but how can I get my daughter to understand that?”

Dr. Shumaker was shifting in her seat. I could tell she was about to really get into this. “Rose, that is not uncommon. Oftentimes—”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If Rose wanted to call my show and try to worm her way back in, I had something for her.

“Doctor, I’m sorry to cut you off, but I don’t understand the rationale behind just giving your kids away. You give away old clothes. You give away toys you no longer want. You don’t give away kids,” I snapped.

A surprised look crossed Dr. Shumaker’s face, and for once she seemed at a loss for words.

“I was doing what I thought was best,” Rose whispered.

“What’s best? I’m sure what would have been best for your kids was to have their mother,” I remarked as professionally as I could. I noticed all the strange looks from the studio crew and snapped back to reality. “Umm, at least that’s what I would think, but I’m not the expert. Doctor?” I said, turning back toward Dr. Shumaker, who was still looking at me in amazement.

“Um…yes. Rae is right. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to figure out it probably would’ve been best for your children to stay with you. But that’s only if you were able to provide them with a loving and stable environment.”

“I tried my best to give my kids everything, but it just seemed like things kept working against me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone but myself, but how do I make amends for my past mistakes?” Rose asked.

“Did you truly believe you could no longer properly provide for your children?” Dr. Shumaker asked.

“I thought they would have a better life with my mother,” Rose softly responded.

“Well, then, you probably did the right thing, giving them to someone who could give them a better life,” Dr. Shumaker replied.

“But, Doctor,” I jumped back in, “there are some women who abandon their children for a man. Say that man doesn’t want kids. Some women will say, ‘Okay, I’ll get rid of the kids so I can be with this man.’ ” At this point I knew I wasn’t being professional. I was angry and not worried about whether Rose would say something too revealing or getting in trouble or anything. I just wanted to let her know what was on my mind.

Dr. Shumaker looked like she didn’t know what to say. I seldom interjected my opinion in these call-in shows. I could tell by all the strange looks everyone was giving me that I might have pushed the envelope too far.

“Of course, I’m grateful I come from a loving two-parent household,” I quickly added. Don’t ask me why I felt the need to lie. Rose had gotten to me and now I needed to clean things up. “My mother is a wonderful woman who showered me with love growing up. She would never dream of abandoning me, so that’s why I can’t understand the rationale behind your actions.” I got back into TV mode. “Please forgive me, Rose, if I seemed a little defensive. I’m sure you had a great reason for abandoning your children. It’s like you said, you did what you had to do. But I know there are some viewers out there who perhaps are in similar situations and you can provide some insight on how mothers can just discard their children.”

Dr. Shumaker looked like she still didn’t know what to make of that. But she nodded anyway. “Unfortunately, most Americans don’t come from picture-perfect homes like our host here. Rose, there are others out there like you. And I would have to tell you, it’s never too late to mend your relationship with your daughter.”

Wanna bet?
I wanted to say. But I kept my mouth shut.

Dr. Shumaker continued, “You just have to try to explain to her why you made the choices you made and tell her you’re ready to be a mother to her.”

“But what if she won’t take my calls? Or see me? I even moved to the same city to be near her, but I’ve been too scared to even approach her. I know she has so much hate for me,” Rose softly said.

“Can you blame her?” I asked.

“Rae!” I heard Ian snap in my earpiece. “What the hell are you doing?”

I ignored him and started twiddling with my bracelet. I had had enough of Rose and her funky apology/let’s-heal-our-relationship rhetoric. As far as I was concerned, Rose was as dead to me as Elvis.

Dr. Shumaker told Rose something else, but I had tuned them both out. If I kept listening, I was sure to go off, so I just had to focus on something else. I looked up at the digital clock. We had just under a minute. The director gave me the cue to wrap things up. Thank God.

“Well, I know we have one more caller, but it looks like we’re out of time. Dr. Shumaker, as always, thank you for such insightful advice,” I said.

The doctor smiled and nodded, although I could tell she was wondering what was going on with me. I thanked everyone for watching, waited for the music and credits to roll, then hopped up off the set as soon as the director said, “Clear!”

I heard Dr. Shumaker call my name as I raced off the set. I didn’t even turn around as I yelled, “I’ll see you next month, Doctor. I gotta go. Great job today!”

I wasn’t in my office two minutes before my door swung open.

“What was that?”

I was not in the mood for Dina. I had sat down on my sofa and was leaning back with my head against the wall.

“What was what?”

“That…that attack on our caller.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dina slammed my door so hard I jumped. “You know what the hell I’m talking about!” She stormed over to me, pointing her long, bony finger in my face. “I don’t know what kind of drugs you’re taking, but we don’t pay you to analyze our viewers. That’s why we bring in the experts. Your job is to sit there, try and look pretty, and move things along. It is not your job to beat up on people who take time out of their day to call in to our show.”

I stared at her finger, which was two inches from my nose. I wanted so bad to reach up and just grab those Wicked Witch of the West–looking fingers and break them in half.

“You do not have to get all up in my face,” I said calmly.

“I will get wherever I want to get!” Dina hissed. “I don’t know what kind of royal treatment you’re used to around here, but my newsroom doesn’t operate like that. If I ever see some mess like that on my show—because contrary to your convoluted belief, this is not
your
show—if I ever see something like that again, I will fire your ass so quick you won’t know what hit you!” She turned around and stormed toward my door. She stopped right before opening it. “Oh, and you can best believe this incident is going in your file.” With that, she swung my door open and walked out, leaving the door wide open. I’m sure all the newsroom gossips were taking it all in, but at that point, I didn’t really care. I rubbed my temples. I couldn’t believe the nerve of Rose. I hadn’t talked to her in years. All those years that she had made no effort to see me or my siblings on our birthdays, on Christmas, on graduation, nothing. Twenty-two years. Twenty-two years and she thinks she could just waltz up in here and win her way back into my heart? Forget that. Louis Farrakhan had a greater chance of becoming president of the United States.

I picked up the phone to call Myles’s cell phone. I had already been feeling sick all morning; now this had my head hurting. I needed to talk to my baby, so he could make everything all right.

Myles picked up just before my call transferred over to voice mail.

“Hey, baby.”

“What’s up?”

“What’s up? Is that any way to greet your lovely soon-to-be-wife?”

“Rae, what’s going on? I’m heading to a meeting.”

“Well, excuse me,” I said, my mood souring even more. “Did you catch the show?”

“Do I ever catch the show?”

Smart alek. “No, you never seem to be able to find the time.”

“That’s because I work. I can’t sit around and watch TV all day.”

I took a deep breath. I couldn’t fight with him right now. “Myles, I just had a really bad day, that’s all.” I hadn’t shared with Myles my whole situation with Rose. I hadn’t shared it with anyone except Shereen. So it’s not like I could tell him exactly what happened. “The show didn’t go well, then Dina came in here trippin’.”

“Rae, we’re going to have to talk about this tonight,” Myles interrupted.

“What are you doing?”

“I told you I was heading to a meeting.”

I heard the light jazz from the radio. Myles kept his car stereo on 95.7, the jazz station. “But you’re in your car. Can’t you talk to me until you get to your meeting?” I heard someone mumble something. “Is someone with you?” I felt my headache flare up.