If I Forget You (16 page)

She tried not to look at his mouth and think of how good it felt against hers. “Is that why Heaven told me she’ll eat me alive if I break your heart? What happened, Jordan?”

He looked out across the lake, slowly lifting his left hand to his mouth. After a few seconds, Avery realized he was biting his fingernails, just like he’d admitted to doing the first time she met him. He chewed on his index fingernail, and then moved to his pinkie, followed by his thumb. Finally, he stopped and lowered his hand.

“Her name was Callie,” he said in a fragile voice. “We grew up together. We were best friends; our relationship didn’t get romantic until college. We got married the end of our freshman year. I was nineteen. My parents thought we were insane, but they didn’t mind because they already loved Callie like a daughter, and Heaven was so happy when she could really call Callie her sister.”

He paused for a moment, still staring out at the lake. Avery waited patiently.

“Callie got really sick not long after our wedding,” he finally continued, “and nobody knew how things would turn out for her, even her doctors.” He took his arm away from the back of the bench and leaned forward. “It’s one of those things you see in sappy chick flicks, but it wasn’t just a story
—
it was my life. It was real, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t anything you haven’t heard before. People die every day from cancer.”

Avery looked down at her hands. “Is that why you dropped out of school?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t go back. I had to focus on something completely different. Dad understood and helped me get my job. He paid out my lease on our apartment and moved my mom out of her house so I could have it to myself. Everyone knew I had to be alone with as little to worry about as possible. It was embarrassing, actually, like I was the sick one now, like everyone expected me to die of a broken heart.”

Heaven’s words made sense now. Too much sense. Avery squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t do this. She ended up hurting everyone in her life outside of family. It was only a matter of time before she hurt Jordan, and since it was clear he still hadn’t completely healed from his loss, she couldn’t bear knowing her own recklessness would slice into his already gaping wounds.

“Jordan, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “My dad died three years ago in Afghanistan. It was really hard. It’s still really hard.”

He nodded. “Nobody’s immune to it. I don’t even know why you’re different for me, Avery … but you are.” He looked at her again. The city lights reflected in his eyes. “You don’t even remind me of her. She had bright red hair and freckles. I used to think I’d find someone just like her and I’d be happy again, but then I realized that was stupid. You can’t replace people. You just have to fill different gaps and learn to live with the gaps others have left behind.”

Her eyes filling with tears, she nodded. That was exactly how she’d felt since her father’s death. The gap he’d left had healed over quite a bit, but it was still there. It would always be there. There were other gaps too. The one Tam had left. The one Ryan had left. All those other broken friendships she could only remember if she read back in her journal
—
all of them broken because of something she’d done, or forgotten to do.

Now, with Jordan right in front of her, she felt he’d already left a mark on her
—
something deep she wasn’t going to be able to erase. He was going to leave a gap, even though she’d only known him a short time. She had to get out of his life before that gap got any wider, for both of them.
 

15

Thursdays were Avery’s easy days, since all she had was her biology class and work. Unsurprisingly, Heaven hadn’t shown up for work on Wednesday, and Avery doubted she would show up today either. Avery was grateful, to say the least. She wasn’t ready to face Heaven’s sisterly wrath yet.

Instead of standing in line for a hot dog, Avery kept on walking to the smaller undergraduate library across the way where she could get a sandwich and coffee on the ground floor.

Maybe she was hiding from Owen. Maybe she wanted a change of scenery. Whatever her reasons, she found herself alone in a dark corner with a turkey sandwich and a latte, wishing she wasn’t such a coward. But it was better this way. Simpler. Quieter. If she stayed away from Owen, there was no way she could hurt him
—
at least, beyond avoiding him, of course. She didn’t even know his last name. Or she didn’t remember it.

Pulling out her books, she spread everything out on the table in front of her and started organizing her notes. Green Post-its for her architecture class. Blue Post-its for biology. Purple for English. Yellow for people.

Mom and Chloe’s birthday is on Saturday. Get Chloe something TODAY.
Mail a card to Mom SOON.

She squeezed her eyes shut, cursing under her breath. She had forgotten to mail a card to her mother, and she still hadn’t bought something for Chloe. She had no idea what to get her.

“Studying hard?”

Ugh. Not her.

Opening her eyes, Avery looked up at Tam. Her hair was in a high ponytail today, and she was back to wearing the lime green glasses. Probably just for looks. They did make her look smart.

“Yep,” Avery snapped. “Studying very hard. So, if you don’t mind …”

Completely ignoring the affront, Tam pulled out the chair across the table and sat down. “Hmm, is the turkey good here? I haven’t tried it yet.” She reached over to Avery’s plate and snatched a piece of turkey that had fallen out of the sandwich.

Avery glared at her, not sure how far she would let this go. “Listen,” she seethed, leaning forward, “if you’re upset about getting kicked out of Jordan’s party, it’s not my fault. You knew it was an over twenty-one party. You’re still eighteen.”

“And you’re nineteen,” Tam replied, practically yawning. “Guess you weren’t kicked out?”

“No, but how did you even get the address? Jordan told me he didn’t invite you or tell you where it was.”

Rolling her eyes, Tam popped the piece of turkey into her mouth. “I saw it on your yellow Post-it, you dork. You were holding it when we ran into each other on the stairs.”

Avery clenched her teeth. Of course. Not that she remembered much from that moment, but it seemed the only likely explanation. It was time to end this.

“What do you want, Tam? You’re obviously after something, so let’s get it over with. I guess my senior year of being a social outcast wasn’t enough payback for your broken heart?”

Tam studied Avery’s face, her big eyes unblinking. “You still think that’s what the whole thing was about? Ryan?”

“Well, yeah.” Avery leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. “You know it was.”

Tam smirked. “It was about a lot more than that, Avery. You broke my trust as a friend. A
best
friend. I took you in, and all you ever did was shove it back in my face over and over and over. Ryan was the last straw. All I did was send you right back to what you were before you met me. It shouldn’t have been anything different for you.”

Avery blinked. Tam’s words stung more than she wanted to admit. Her dad had been stationed on different bases over the years, but she wasn’t sure if her lack of social skills and friends had to do with moving around or if it had to do with her personality. She had attended one elementary school, two junior highs, and two high schools, the last being Shadle in Spokane. She hadn’t made many friends at any of them. She’d grown up lonely, like Aunt Chloe was lonely now, so maybe Tam was right. She’d gone right back to what she’d always been.

“One thing was different this time around,” she said, looking into Tam’s eyes. “Everybody knew me as a traitor.”

Tam shrugged. “You
were
a traitor, weren’t you?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Didn’t you? After that promise you made for things to go back to normal? After all those times I told you about me and Ryan and how good things were? After everything I did for you?”

Tam’s nose wrinkled with disgust, and Avery looked away.

“You were broken,” Tam said through gritted teeth as she leaned across the table. Her elbow crumpled the edge of a purple Post-it note. “You cried about your dad all the time. I went with you to the cemetery, like, thirty times, just so I could stand there with you as you talked to his grave. I helped you with your clothes, your hair, your makeup, everything. I gave up a lot of time with my other friends just to
be
with you, Avery. I could tell you needed someone, and I stepped in. And what did I get in return?”

Avery looked down at her sandwich and sniffed back a wave of tears. Everything Tam said was true.

“I stole Ryan away from you,” she whispered, knowing it was the only thing Tam wanted to hear. Besides, it was true.

“Yeah, and you wonder why I was so upset. It was more than Ryan. A lot more. I gave and gave and gave to you, and I guess you
just
forgot
to give back. I always thought it was adorable how you’d forget things, but then when the Ryan stuff happened I realized it was nothing but an excuse.” Leaning back, she waved her hand at Avery’s Post-its scattered across the table. “Look at you, Ave. Seriously. Just look.”

Her eyes glistening, Avery swept her gaze across the table. Her life was organized on paper right down to what page she had to read in her biology book that afternoon. But in reality, her life was turning into a complete and utter wreck. And she had no idea how to fix it, especially without her mother’s help.

“You need to change,” Tam said softly as she stood and looked down at Avery, who was trying desperately not to cry. “I was dead serious when I told you I want to start over with our friendship, but if you’re still the same old Avery, maybe that’s a bad idea.”

“Go away, Tam,” Avery hissed through her teeth. “Just go away.”

“Whatever you want.”

When Avery looked up, she saw Tam walking out of the building. There was no way Avery was going to be able to study, or even eat, now. She gathered up all of her stuff, dumped her food in the trash, and got out of there as fast as she could.

As soon as she was outside, the rain hit, pelting her as she dug in her bag for her umbrella. Of course. Gone. She couldn’t even remember where she’d left it. By the door? In her bedroom? Maybe she’d left it in one of her classes.

“Want to share mine?”

A familiar voice and a familiar pair of Vans. She looked up into Owen’s blue eyes. He was nice and dry beneath his black umbrella, and without thinking she slipped underneath it, so close to him that it was only natural for him to slide an arm around her shoulders.

“Thanks,” she laughed, looking down at her damp shirt. “You were looking for me, weren’t you?”

“Of course I was.”

He smiled when she turned in his loose embrace to face him. His goatee was a little fuller today, but still neatly trimmed. His smile broke into a grin.

“This is nice,” he whispered, his breathing a little faster. “Glad I decided to walk this way. Want to go inside or walk around?”

“Either is fine with me.”

He had assumed, of course, that she wanted to stay with him all afternoon, just as she had on Tuesday. He was correct in his assumption, but she still felt sore from Tam’s attack, and even worse, she felt an obligation to tell him she wasn’t interested in moving this relationship past friendship. For his own good.

“Have you been to the gardens?” he asked as they headed toward the library where Avery worked.

“No … what gardens?”

“The medicinal gardens. You’ll get to work in them the more you get into your major.”

She smiled. “I haven’t explored much around here, honestly, but if you want to go there, that’s fine.”

Owen took a sharp turn and they headed south toward the large fountain in the middle of the main campus. Most students had umbrellas, and those who didn’t either pulled up their hoods and scrunched up their shoulders or kept walking as if getting wet didn’t bother them in the slightest. The rain didn’t seem to bother anyone around here, and Avery had to admit it didn’t bother her much either. She was getting used to the smell of it, even the taste of it in the air.

“So,” Owen said, his arm still draped around her shoulders to keep her under the umbrella, “any reason you decided against a hot dog today? Worried about the heart attack possibilities?”

She nearly tripped on her own feet. “What? No! I just wanted something different today, that’s all.”

He gave her a sly look and kept walking. “Heart attack on a bun, yeah. What’d you get instead?”

“A turkey sandwich.”
That I didn’t eat.

“Sounds good.”

She knew he was waiting for her to explain why she hadn’t met him at the food truck. It had been a silent, implied agreement on Tuesday that they’d meet up again, and the hot dog truck was the obvious meeting place.

“I’m sorry, Owen,” she said as she kept her eyes on the ground. They rounded the fountain and a small burst of wind blew a spray of fountain water and rain across her cheek. She wiped it away, hoping Owen couldn’t tell how uncomfortable she was with his arm around her. “I was thinking maybe we
—
”

“You didn’t have to meet me today,” he interrupted, “if that’s what you were thinking. I’m not upset.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really … but I’m glad I ran into you.”

They walked in silence. They were reaching a part of campus she couldn’t remember seeing before. Beyond one of the many tall, ancient red buildings, Owen led her past a garden filled with neatly planted squares labeled with small signs.

“Was that it?” she asked as they kept walking.

“Part of it. If we go a little farther across the road here, there’s a covered area by the bus stop.”

They reached the other garden and he nudged her inside a little gray sitting area with a roof. Shaking out his umbrella, he sat down and ran a hand across his forehead.

Sitting next to him, Avery looked out at what she could see of the garden. It was lush and green, and a part of her wanted to run in the rain and start looking at all the plants, even if it meant she’d get soaked.