If Not For You (24 page)

Those beautiful green eyes filled with tears, nearly broke my heart. I hurt her, the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain, yet I had done it. Drawing in a deep breath and clamping my bottom lip between my teeth, I bit down until I tasted blood. All I had to do was maintain control and I ended up blowing it.

Standing staring out at the coarse black water, her confession jerking at my heart as it resonated in my head. I let out a long held breath in thought. She wanted me, this was clear. My skin still burned where her hand sat on my chest. I couldn’t deny wanting her too, in every way. The twitch of my cock as it stirred with thoughts of being buried deep between her thighs substantiated it.

Though Philippe assured me that Tandy was fine, I couldn’t help but worry. I could see her face like she was standing right in front of him now, the look of hurt and anger as I lifted her hands from my chest and told her no. Her beautiful green eyes turned gray and hollow before me. I would do anything to take it all back. I wish I could kiss her lips and watch as her eyes brightened to the emerald green again.

I knew that I was crossing a fine line and getting too close. But I couldn’t help touching her every chance I got; her skin was soft like silk. Never had a woman ever unraveled me the way she could. The taste of her lips, the scent of her skin and the sight of her curves, had me entirely out of control. Add to that the fact that I spent the last three years in a prison full of men, not knowing the touch of a woman for so long; it was the perfect prescription for a deep seeded hunger.

Tandy ignored my texts and phone calls, I gave up knocking at the door after too many failed attempts to get her to talk to me and now I was using Philippe to spy on her and take her notes?

It was time to do what I was instructed to do, my job and stay at a distance. Security detail.

Unbearable as the thought was, she needed to find someone else to enjoy her days and as hard as it would be, her nights with.

Taking a risk, I moved cautiously onto the balcony and listened. Nothing. Not a sound. Then suddenly I heard a moan, it was ever so slight but my instincts shot into overdrive. Something was wrong, truly wrong.

Carefully I peered around the wall dividing the two balconies; saw the table and two empty chairs and the door open. Just as I started to back away I heard the sound again and tried to see further around the obstructing wall. I caught the sight of Tandy lying face down in the doorway and felt my gut clench and bile rise in my throat. My heart leapt as I darted back through the room, then tore into the hall.

With shaking hands, I struggled with the card key like my fingers were oversized, stiff and didn’t belong to me. When I finally got into the room and over to Tandy’s side, I cautiously touched my fingers to the side of her neck and prayed for a pulse. It was strong and steady and I was satisfied that I could move her. Gently rolling her onto her back, I kissed my lips to her forehead and slipped my arms under to lift her. Hugging her in as close as I could get her, I moved to the bed to lay her down.

Sweeping her hair back I looked for any visible signs of injury, quite happy that there were none. Resting my head on her chest I listened to the steady beat of her heart, relief and fear jerking at my core. Scared as hell and willing to do anything for this woman, I decided to go against her wishes and do the one thing she asked me not to, if for no other reason than my own greedy self-satisfaction.

Lifting the phone from the bedside table, I asked the operator for the ship’s Doctor. I wet a cloth with cool water and held it to her red cheeks. Her eyes fluttered open she smiled and then closed them again.

Thank God
I thought.

***

“It’s very important that you take your medication at the same time each and every day young lady. Get your rest and eat, you need to keep up your strength.” Doctor Porter, the ships physician, instructed.

I had explained my condition and my impending surgical procedure to him and he scribbled it all into his notebook. He gave me a quick once over just to make it official and checked my prescription, adding a new anti-nausea med to the mix. Once satisfied he had done his all, he proceeded with his lecture, he was very sweet and kind, and clearly didn’t coddle me, I liked that.

“I know, I’ve just been a little stressed lately.” I didn’t want to get into all the sordid details and I’m sure he didn’t want to hear them either.

“In case you haven’t noticed my dear, this is a cruise ship. We don’t get stressed out on the Princess. You and your friend should be having fun.”

“You didn’t tell him? I mean Gage doesn’t know anything, right?” I asked, nervously.

“No. Patient Doctor Confidentiality even applies on ships. But you should talk to him, he’s worried about you.”

“I can’t. I don’t want anyone knowing, it’ll make things weird,” I pleaded, and he nodded his head understandingly.

“I won’t say a thing. I’ll forward my report to Dr. Travis’ office in the morning. Rest tonight, but tomorrow you should get out of this room and have fun!” He tucked his stethoscope into his bag and closed it.

He walked to the door, opened it and let Gage in from the hall. He was standing, hands in his pockets with deep circles under his eyes, he wasn’t sleeping. He had a worried look as he turned his head from the doctor to me and back again. Doctor Porter put his hand on Gage’s shoulder and started out the door, turned to look at us both and smiled.

“If either of you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me, any hour and by the way Mr. Carter, she needs some fresh air and sunshine,” he instructed as he closed the door behind him.

Gage walked to the side of the bed and stared down at me, he looked terrible. His pretty eyes were as dark as night, sad and glassy. My heart broke at the sight of him. My friend was hurting as badly as I was.

“I’m sorry Gage,” I said holding out my hand to him.

A single lost tear spilled down Gage’s cheek onto his t-shirt, a wet patch spread out as another joined the first. I merged my hand into his and pulled him down to his knees beside the bed. Wiping away his remaining tears, I reached around his neck and held his head to my chest, stroking my fingers through his unruly curls.

“I thought you were dead.” Gage squeezed through tightened vocal cords and new tears soaked through my t-shirt wetting my breasts. I just held him to me for several minutes, letting him get it out of his system.

“I’m fine…it was just another headache, nothing to worry about,” I reassured him.

He lifted his head and scowled. “Stop lying to me. It’s not just a fucking headache!” he scolded, as I sat up and I took his face in my hands.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, please?” I begged, I so didn’t want to fight. I was exhausted and totally spent from the last few days.

“You need to tell me what the fuck is going on.” Gage insisted.

“Please Gage, stop. I can’t do this right now.” I spoke as calm as I could, in a gentle even tone, hoping he would place his head against my breasts again and just be still.

He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, “I want to help you. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”

“Hold me. That’s what you can do for me.”

I climbed onto the center of the bed and stripped to my bra and panties and laid down holding my arms out to Gage. He stood up, I could see him swallow nervously watching his Adam’s apple move and his chest rise and fall with each breath.

“Are you sure this is what you want Tandy?”

“I’m positive.”

I watched as he slowly stripped down to only his boxer briefs and climbed onto the bed beside me. He sat on his knees, his eyes scanning over my body. When he bent forward across my stomach and placed his lips to my hip, I nearly ignited. He sat up and smiled for the first time since he came into my room. “You have a bruise.”

“Doctor said it’s nothing.”

“It’s better now,” he said and lay down pulling me into his side and pulling the sheets over us.

One way or another, I was determined that I was going to give my virginity to this man. He was going to get over this
can’t
thing and show me a world I only knew through cheap novels and dreams…

One way or another.

Day 30

Fanning over the 30 flavors on offer in the display case of the Sundaes Ice Cream Bar, trying to choose just one, I decided on a single scoop of what else? Peanut butter chocolate chip, forgoing the cone and choosing a cup instead. Gage chose maple walnut in a waffle cone.

It was nearly eleven when we finally woke, laying quietly together for nearly an hour after that enjoying the silence. I rubbed my feet over Gage’s feet and he stroked his fingers up and down my arm, just enjoying the feel of each other, the touch and the closeness.

The phone ringing stirred us and I was happy to hear Dr. Porter’s voice on the other end. He just wanted to check on me and remind me to get out of the room. I laughed and assured him that I had full intentions of doing just that.

That’s how we ended up in the Ice Cream Bar. Actually on our way to get some lunch, we just sort of ended up standing at the counter, placing our orders.

We strolled along the deck enjoying our ice cream and each other’s company. When we were finished, Gage straddled a deck lounge and patted the seat between his legs to join him, I sat with my back to his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

“That was the best ice cream lunch I’ve ever had,” I said laying my head back against Gage’s shoulder.

“I’d say it ranks up there with best orgasm ever. Don’t you think?” Gage whispered into my ear with a laugh and I was so glad he couldn’t see my face.

I didn’t answer, just sat stiff and quiet. Talk about awkward moments. With all the commotion going on around us, I was sure it would distract his attention and surely I’d be let off that notorious hook I was hanging from yet again.

“Tandy,” Gage pressed, after a minute or two of silence, he twisted us so he could look at me. His eyes moved over my face and he smiled with raised brows and his bottom lip between his teeth.

“What?” I asked, trying to disguise my embarrassment. My face must have been a lovely shade of red because when he got a load of it, he quickly propped me up and spun me around to face him.

“No way,” Gage said his chin practically dropping on his lap.

I swallowed hard and looked away, my face was burning hot and my comfort level hit a whole new low. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing exactly what was coming. The joking, the pointing finger of doom, this was it, unlike the girls back home; this was not going to be a fun poking.

“There’s absolutely no fucking way!” he protested, wide eyed and smiling.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked uncomfortably into his eyes. I was not smiling, nope. I found no humor what-so-ever in any of this.

“You’re telling me you’ve never had an orgasm?” He asked quietly, the smile gone from his face.

That was it, not only was I plagued with the big V, now he knew about the absent O. What other letters in my colorful sexual nonexistence would pop up to bite me in the ass? Only time would tell.

Words were impossible. I could only shake my head no as I fell forward, planting my forehead roughly against Gage’s chest and he let out a painful cry. He held me tight, didn’t laugh, thank God, and didn’t push me away, maybe he was going to leave it at that, with any luck. But as it turned out, luck was not on my side.

“Seriously, you’ve never even gotten yourself off? I don’t know what to say.” Gage seemed truly amazed. And I was truly mortified, fucking mortified!

“I think you’ve said enough,” I squeaked out.

“I think so,” Gage agreed, and just held me.

We sat in that oh-so-familiar awkward silence for some time, I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to look Gage in the eye again. My face buried in his chest, he twirled a piece of my hair around his finger, I decided to buck up and put on my big girl panties. Slowly I sat up and looked into his face, watching and waiting for the teasing and joking to start. But he tucked my hair behind my ear, kissed the tip of his finger and tapped it on the end of my nose.

“We never did go dancing,” Gage mused.

“No we didn’t,” I sighed, with relief.

“Promise me we’ll go dancing tonight?” he asked.

“Promise,” I said, crossing my index finger over my heart and we laughed.

The rest of the day was spent pool side, we played a few games of hearts and Gage read my dirty book to me, as he called it, whispering the sex scenes into my ear in a hot sensual tone and we laughed as he added lines and sexy accents to the story. We planned out more onshore tours to take together and made a list to drop off at the reservation office.

We took turns rubbing sunscreen into each other’s skin, which I enjoyed immensely, both the feel of his hands on my skin and the feel of mine on his. We took a few dips in the pool and sat in the hot tub listening to the band play music from the fifties and sixties. It was an unexpectedly great day following the terribly embarrassing beginning.

Dinner was spent in my room, we had burgers and onion rings with a bottle of wine and chocolate chip cookies. Talk about fine dining.

“Your choices this evening are the Wheelhouse Bar or Razzmatazz,” Gage said, reading over one of the many entertainment brochures we picked up at the information center.

“What’s the difference?” I asked, snuggling into Gage’s side to look at the brochure with him, my excuse to get closer. He smelt delicious, the combination of his fresh linen shirt, wine and chocolate chip cookie mixed with his natural scent, forced me to breathe more deeply than necessary to take it all in.

“Razzmatazz looks a little smaller.” He pointed it out on the ships diagram. “It says it’s an intimate spot to dance the night away with that someone special.”

“Razzmatazz it is then,” I said.

“Okay. I’m going to go. I have a few things to do. I’ll pick you up at nine?” Gage asked, looking at his watch.