Illusion (25 page)

             
I fell asleep soon after and when I just woke back up, she was gone. No one was in here. The dry erase board claims my nurse will be by around noon, and it's ten minutes till. I'm sure Emi went to go get food. I grab the menu on the table next to me and search for something to eat. I'm to be limited to soups, broths, ice creams, basically anything hot or ice cold, that can just slide easily down my throat.

             
On the chart placed on the table, I mark off chicken broth and some orange juice. I won't consume them the same time, because that'd be gross, but they're the only two things on there that seem appealing to me.

             
When there is a knock on the door, I tell the nurse or whoever to come on in. Brice ends up walking through the door and he pauses at the end of the bed. He looks like he hasn't slept much either. When will the guilt end?

             
I smile at him but he doesn't return the gesture. "Why?" he asks me softly. I don't have to tell him to elaborate, I already know what he is asking. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. When I open my eyes, he still hasn't moved. I point to the chair and he shakes his head no.

             
"Fine," I breathe out. I grab my water and take a few more sips. It feels a little easier to swallow, although there is still pain. I clear my throat, knowing I'm probably going to talk more than I should, but he does deserve some sort of explanation from me.

             
"I hate hurting. I hate my life." Tears start coming out. I don't mean to cry, but to admit this out loud, to someone I care a lot for, it's hard. "I'm confused. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I just couldn't do it anymore."

             
His shoulders slump and he looks down where my feet are instead of at my face. I stop talking because it's obvious he doesn't want to hear any of this. I barely hear him when he mumbles, "keep going." It surprises me. So, he does want me to keep going, he just can't face me. Figures.

             
I take another sip of water first, finally feeling a little more lubed in my throat. "I've suffered a lot, and I just couldn't take it anymore. You don't understand, no one does."

             
"You're damn right I don't." I startle when he raises his voice. He looks up at me and I can see his eyes filling with unshed tears. "That was the most selfish thing that you could have done! I have been beating myself up over this, Zoey! I would have never left you alone if I had known you were going to try to... kill yourself."

             
I grab a few tissues and attempt to stop myself from crying but I can't. It's not happening. Brice walks over and sits in the chair next to me. He doesn't touch me, but he does watch me closely. "I never meant to hurt you, or anyone. I just, I just couldn't take the pain any longer. You left me, Brice, you walked out my door and you left me. Everyone leaves."

             
"I wasn't leaving you, I was giving you space. I was giving me space. There was so much that happened, I just needed to figure shit out. I knew you needed to, too. I still don't understand what happened, and I'm scared."

             
I close my eyes. "Me too."

             
"I'm sorry you thought I left you, but did you even think twice about what you did? What you attempted to do?"

             
Ignoring his question, because that is the last thing I want to discuss right now, I tell him something that'll probably scare him more, but I feel the need to say it now that I can talk. "I saw Harvey again."

             
There is an awkward silence, so I open my eyes and look at him. He is just staring at me in disbelief and confusion. I guess I should probably elaborate on that a little more. "When I took all the pills, he showed up. I know it sounds crazy. It is crazy." I shake my head, and decide I'm making the situation worse, but then he runs his hand on my arm and it gives me the power to continue.

             
"That guy... on the sidewalk. He, I met him on a subway. He reminded me of Kirt. I guess, I don't know, it's like what the doctor said. My brain, or the medication, or a mixture of them both, they created an in-between. The guy told me his name was Harvey, and apparently after meeting him, my imagination came up with this illusion of him, one where he helped me heal. When I envisioned him again. Before Emi showed up, he explained it all."

             
Brice tilts his head and watches me attentively. I'm not sure if I'm reassuring him or confusing him. I'm not sure if this is going to scare him or if it's going to clear the air. He doesn't run out the door, but he doesn't comfort me. As hard as this all is for me to say, I continue. I may as well finish now that I've opened the conversation up between us.

             
"I know it wasn't him that explained it. But a manifestation of him was there. I could see him, touch him, hear him. All he did was explain to me what Dr. Ross has already explained but he filled in the blanks."

             
"Was this before or after the pills?" His voice is breathless and emotional. He wipes at his own eyes as a few tears break through.

             
"During." I look down, completely embarrassed by everything. "He was yelling at me to stop. I think it was my way of telling myself to stop, but I couldn't. Then he started explaining what I think I already knew. I don't know, it's all confusing. I've never heard of this happening to anyone before, and I have no way to fully explain what I experienced, but it's finally making sense to me."

             
His hand finds mine and we hold hands in silence. We both cry a little, but we don't say anything.

             
Emi walks in and freezes when she sees us. "Uh, was just getting your lunch card. You hungry?"

             
I reach over and grab the card, not letting my other hand leave Brice's. Emi comes over and takes it from me. I see her eyes find our locked hands but she doesn't say anything. "I'll be back in like a half hour. Is that okay?"

             
"Yeah, it is, thanks."

             
She gets to the door and looks back. "You're talking better." I just nod my head as she walks through and closes the door behind her.

             
Brice clears his throat and my attention is back on him. He doesn't say anything or even look at me.

             
"I really am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

             
"I know," he says quietly.

             
"Are we... okay?" I swallow hard when I ask that question. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer.

             
He looks back up to me, then he stands, separating our hands. My eyes immediately well back up with tears. I don't want to make him feel guilty, or any worse than he does. I don't need to cry right now. It just hurts so much, it's hard to stop myself. I'm sure they haven't been administrating any of my antidepressants over the last few days while I was out, so it's no wonder I can't stop myself from being so damn emotional.

             
Instead of walking off, he actually lays on the bed with me. He doesn't say anything, he just lays on his side and keeps an arm wrapped around me. It's more than I imagined, and it feels remarkable. It's soothing and hopeful and well, if I'm being honest, it's loving.

             
I close my eyes and allow myself to enjoy this moment as much as I possibly can. He isn't leaving me. He isn't leaving me. He isn't leaving me. Saying that over and over in my head actually causes me to smile. All the tears in my eyes dry up and I tighten my own grip around him.

             
I wake up sometime later, not realizing I even fell asleep, and Brice is still on the bed with me, sleeping. I look at the clock to see we've been like this for almost five hours. No one else is in here but I do see a small note next to a now cold bowl of covered broth and my orange juice. I reach over, trying not to wake him up, and read that Emi went to dinner with my parents and that they'll all stop by after.

             
Brice's hair is too tempting not to touch, so I run my fingers through it softly. I can literally feel my heart constrict while I stare at him. I knew I cared about him, I knew I was attracted to him, I knew I wanted him around, I just didn't realize how much I needed him around. I didn't realize how much I cared about him. I didn't realize that it went beyond being attracted to him, but it went all the way to having honest feelings for him.

             
When he walked out my door, that was my final step. I had handled Harvey leaving me, but Brice leaving me pushed me over the edge that losing Kirt had placed me on. Not having the clarity of why Harvey left made me push away any feelings I could possibly have for someone, but now that I think on it, I think my mind stopped Harvey from coming around because I was falling for Brice.

             
Of course I couldn't admit my feelings for Brice if I was "dating" someone else. So the more I felt something for Brice, the more the illusion of Harvey faltered, until one day he was gone. It all makes sense. Not that I can fully trust anything my brain tells me, but it seems to be true. It's the only thing that is logic.

             
All of a sudden everything inside me wants to open up and tell Brice how I feel, but I don't want to scare him anymore than I already have. The need is so great, it's surfacing. I want to shout it out to the roof tops. Instead of doing something so spontaneous and ridiculous, I merely just whisper it. "I love you, Brice." He is still sleeping, so he doesn't hear me, but me saying it out loud, it takes an enormous weight off my shoulders, and I smile a real smile, finally.

             
When Brice finally does wake up about twenty minutes later, he tells me he has to go home but that he'll be back in the morning. He gives me a kiss on the forehead and stares into my eyes longer than normal, probably making sure this is real. That I'm living and breathing and not leaving him. Then he is gone.

             
This time I'm peaceful when he leaves, knowing he'll be back.

             
Emi and my parents show up less than an hour later, after I finish the soup a nurse reheated for me. They all sit around and talk with me. They don't talk like I just tried to kill myself, but like I'm a family member and we haven't spoken in a while. We actually all end up laughing about a few things, and it warms my heart completely. That is, until they leave and my mom starts sobbing and begs me not to do anything so reckless again. She gives me a million kisses and hugs me tight. My Poppa hugs me as well and gives me a kiss on the top of the head, telling me he loves me so much, before they both leave.

             
I call Meghan and talk to her for a little while. Now that I've spoken more and am able to eat soup and drink more, it's becoming a lot easier to talk. Once in a while my voice wavers and it comes out a bit raspy, but everyone understands what I'm saying.

             
She tells me a million times that she misses me, she hopes all is well, that she'll see me when I get home tomorrow, and that she is here for me. It's comforting to know that she has become such a good friend to me. She also claims that Gemma is holding my spot for me, and that they temporarily transferred someone to fill in for me until I'm better. The doctor claimed he wants me to take at least three weeks off, get into counseling or at least see Dr. Ross some more, then I get can get back into my normal routine. Yeah, normal, right.

             
The following morning I call Peggy-Sue, which is Kirt's mom. Colt is there too, so I ended up talking over a half hour to them both. They both cry, tell me they love me and always will. They both claim to miss me greatly and worry about me awful. That, too, warms my heart. I knew I'd hurt people if I succeeded with my suicide, I just hadn't quite realized how much and how many people. My guilt increases but it's outweighed by the love I feel.

             
Tabby screams and yells at me when I call her. She said she was about to board a plane to come see me, but then tells me she is pregnant and working fifty hours a week at work, and doesn't have the time or energy. She claims that if I need her that desperately, she'll make the flight. I promise her I'll get better, in time, and that if I need her, I'll come down and visit her instead of her pausing her life for me. It's the last thing I need. Emi has already done that enough for me.

             
The doctor clears me, goes over everything with me once again, and then I'm good to go. Emi brings me back to our apartment, which is littered in flowers all over. She rearranged things, which shocks the heck out of me that anything could be arranged in a different way. It looks nice though, and I'm impressed. She said she did that yesterday with mom and dad, wanting to leave Brice and me alone.

             
It seems she bought a few new things for decorations as well, and bought new sheets and a comforter. It's much more cheery in here, and that makes me smile. She says she did it because if the home looks happy, I'll naturally be happier.