Illusion (4 page)

             
I smile at him and nod my head.

             
He holds my hand again when we leave the restaurant, and it's a long walk but a comfortably silent one. We end up at Central Park. I turn to face him when I notice it. "I thought we weren't going to the regular places that tourists go?"

             
"You'd be surprise, not many tourists go here. They're all about the Empire State Building, Lady Liberty, The Met, and all that fancy stuff that costs a hundred dollars by the end of the day. The park is free and there is always something new going on. Plus, people watching is always fun."

             
"I love people watching," I tell him.

             
There happens to be a small concert going on in the park and the music flows through the air. It's a peaceful collection of Jazz music, both new and old. As we walk around, we are met with all sorts of different kinds of people. I'm from a large city but I have to admit that people in this city are quite unique. I don't think I've ever seen such a variety of people in my life.

             
We feed ducks around the pond, then we sit down near a tree and listen to the sweet melody playing from the jazz concert. Harvey chases me around with a worm he found, and we have a personal contest of who can find the strangest looking person. I won that contest when I saw a girl with half her head shaved, like seriously, the entire left side was shaved, and then the hair that was long was died in three different shades of green. She had at least fifteen piercings in her face alone- no exaggeration. What made her the strangest was the fact she was dressed completely in name brand clothing, including her stilettos and her handbag. Her face and hair made her look like she was telling the world to fuck off. Her clothing choice on the other hand made her look like a well-respected attorney or something. I didn't understand it, not one bit.

             
After our long, exhausting day, Harvey walks me back to my place. I was a little sketched out having him know where I live, but I figured he already knows where I work and enough about me, and he could have murdered me at any time today and he didn't. I trust him.

             
Even if I shouldn't, I do.

             
Walking to my door, I pause before unlocking it, then I turn to face him. "Thanks so much for today. I had a lot of fun, more than I thought I would."

             
He smiles at me and gives my hand a squeeze. "I'm glad you came with me. Same time next week?"

             
I bite down on my lip, feeling a little shy about accepting his invitation already. "I'd love that."

             
"Good." He leans forward and softly kisses my cheek. My cheek, okay, I can deal with that. I said I wouldn't kiss him, and I'm not. He kissed me, on the cheek. I'm okay, I can breathe, and I can accept this. "Have a good night."

             
"You too. Bye Harvey."

             
"Bye Zoey."

             
I turn and open my door, then quickly lock it behind me. I walk into my room and flop down onto the bed, staring at the ceiling with a giant smile plastered on my face. Everything about Harvey and this situation makes me so happy. I'm confused why I'm so accepting off all this, and why I can't help but feel connected with him.

             
"Hi Kirt," I say. This is something I do whenever I'm feeling conflicted, alone, confused, angry. Okay, I talk to Kirt often. He doesn't answer me back, so it's not weird. It's like writing in a diary. I express my feelings, but instead of writing them in a book no one will see, I talk to someone I hope is there. Someone I trust and love with all my heart.

             
"I'm sorry if you're angry with me. I'm sorry if it's too soon for any of this. I don't want you to be upset or disappointed with me. I'm not dating him, he isn't my boyfriend, but I'm going to be honest, if things remain well between us, if he continues to make me happy, it's a possibility."

             
I pause at that thought. I never actually thought that before, I just said it. It just came out of my mouth, completely naturally. Can I really already think that? That Harvey is a possibility for me. I decide that I do like him, even if I hardly know him. He called me last night to confirm this morning and to give me an address where to meet him. Then we ended up talking on the phone over an hour, about absolutely nothing. It was interesting and funny, it was relaxing and nice. It was different. I liked it. I like him. I admit it.

             
I continue my one way conversation with Kirt. "I had fun today. Fun. Can you believe that? It's been so long, I almost forgot what fun was. For the last six or seven months, everyone, including your mom and brother, have been telling me to do silly things like move on. I didn't think that'd ever be possible. Okay, that isn't possible, it never will be. But to heal from everything, to find someone new that makes me happy, I can see now what they really wanted of me. They wanted this."

             
A few light tears fall from my eyes but I don't bother wiping them. I have no reason to. "I'm not even sure if I'm crying from sadness or happiness. It's so weird, Kirt. I wish there were a way for you to tell me if this is okay with you. I wouldn't want to disappoint you. I never have wanted to do that."

             
Thoughts of conversations we've had, fights we've had, struggles we went through, all go through my mind. I've disappointed him a lot, as he had me, but in the end we always had one another to comfort each other. We always were each other’s support system. We had each other to lean on in times of doubt. We were always honest with one another and even if we didn't agree with one another, we supported each other.

             
We supported each other.

             
Right. He'd support me in this. He'd be happy I was happy. He'd be happy I was living. I was being human, I was being alive. He couldn't live, but I can, and I will, for the both of us. From here on out, I'm making my life what he'd expect me to make it.

             
"You've given me an answer Kirt. I'm almost positive of it. I hope that at any time you're not happy with something I'm doing, that you'll tell me somehow. I promise you that you're my soul mate, but until our souls meet again, I'm going to try and be happy. I love you Kirt, I love you so much."

             
While making some eggs in the morning, I hear my phone ringing and I run to grab it. Emi's name is shown on the screen. "Hello," I answer.

             
"Hey chicka," she replies.

             
"Morning. How are you?"

             
"Stop it, you know why I'm calling. How was yesterday with mister McHottie?"

             
I sigh softly while flipping the egg over on the frying pan. "You don't know if he is hot or not."

             
"Like I said, if he caught your attention, he is hot. Did you snap a picture of him? I didn't get one."

             
"Oops, no, sorry I forgot." I really did forget. I was too caught up in the day.

             
She giggles softly. "Is that code for you guys didn't leave the bedroom?"

             
"Emi," I yell into the phone. "I'm not a hoochie. We didn't do anything remotely close to that. We had an amazing time walking around the city and in the park."

             
I can hear her sigh. I'm not sure if it's a dreamy sigh or a frustrated one. Probably one of disappointment for not 'moving on' already. "Did he kisssss you?"

             
"On the cheek when he walked me to the door." I am blushing although she can't see it. I turn off the burner, place my eggs onto a plate and laugh when she gasps into the phone.

             
"Oh my gawd, seriously? Oh, oh, oh my gawd. Zoey, you let him kiss you? That is so awesome!"

             
"I'm glad you find that awesome, crazy lady."

             
"Oh, I'm not the crazy one. Okay, maybe a little. But seriously, that's a pretty big deal. You haven't so much as looked at another guy, and you spent a romantic Saturday walking around a beautiful city, and I'm sure you guys were flirting and such. I can picture it now. Aww, you have no idea how happy I am for you."

             
I cross my legs when I sit down behind my coffee table, then I place my plate down. Before I take my first bite, I reply to her rant about my life. "First off, you have no idea if it was romantic or not, second off, please stop making such a big deal out of it. I'm already conflicted and scared. You're making it worse." Even if she is being cute about it.

             
"Sorry." I can picture her pouting her lip. "Don't think on it though. I know I'm the younger sister, but I'm the one that's been through boyfriends and heart breaks, I've healed from them and learned to protect my heart. I know I've never been through anything tragic like you, and God help me, I hope I never do. But my advice to you is don't over think it Zoey. Let it happen. If you don't think you can have a relationship and he seems to want one, you need to let him know. And don't be scared to be passionate with him."

             
"I'm going to be scared of any kind of relationship with anyone. But I decided last night that I'll give it a try if that is the way this starts to go. I haven't even thought about the whole passionate, sex thing. Thanks for uh, bringing that up."

             
She laughs softly, even though I can hear the hint of sadness in it. "I didn't say sex."

             
"But you meant it."

             
"Yeah, I did." She sighs, probably over thinking the situation. She is almost worse than me. "I think you should try Zoey. I honestly think that you're not going to heal properly if you don't take that step."

             
"I'm not going to heal from a completely shattered heart by having sex with someone I hardly know. Sorry to break it to you."

             
"That isn't what I'm saying. Well not really. I'm saying you've only ever had sex with Kirt, sweetie. You've associated sex with love, but to us normal folk who have been with multiple guys, we've learned sex and love don’t always go hand in hand. You can have sex without being in love, and you need to break that connection between the two. Yes, you may eventually fall in love with Harvey the handsome, but until then, you should have sex. Before, not after. Does that make sense?"

             
I roll my eyes at her nickname for him but I think hard on what she is saying. It's kind of true. I thought I was going to die a born-again-virgin at this rate. Some days I get a little frustrated with myself because it's been so long since I've actually had any sexual encounter with someone. I don't even feel comfortable thinking about sex, because I always thought Kirt would be my one and only. Maybe Emi is right, maybe that is a step I need to take to heal. How weird.

             
"I think you may be right."

             
"Well, duh!"

             
"I said I think."

             
She giggles. "Yeah, but I am right. Anyways, change of subject. My work approved my vacation time for three weeks from now. I'm heading up Friday the twenty fourth and I'm staying for five days, I hope that is okay. I better be meeting this man."

             
I smile, happy that I'll get to see my sister so soon. "Of course you will. That is, if we're still hanging out with one another. I did just meet him after all. Either way, I'm so glad you'll be staying here."

             
"Me too! Eek! We're going out Saturday night, I'm warning you now. I'll force you to a club, even if I have to drag you by your hair."

             
"I'll make it easy on you, don't worry." Not that I want to, not at all.

             
"Perfect. Okay, I should probably get going. Love you Zoey."

             
"Love you too Emi."

             
After the phone call with my sister, I shower and get dressed. I'm not really sure what to do today. I cleaned and decorated the apartment on Thursday night and Friday after work, I don't need groceries yet, and I don't have enough money for shopping. I grab a pre-made frozen margarita out of the freezer, my go-to drink, then I run it under the luke warm water. When it's thawed, I cut the top off and dump it into a plastic cup. I hate drinking it out of the pouch, it makes my hands too cold and causes everything I place it on to be wet.

             
Putting a straw in my drink, I walk over and place a movie into the DVD player. I may as well enjoy this Sunday by relaxing all alone. It'd be nicer to have someone to relax with, but I don't want to bother Harvey, and he is my only friend in this city.

             
The windows are all opened and I dressed in a tee-shirt and plaid pants. With a throw pillow and blanket, I don't think I've ever felt more relaxed in my life. I'm not laying here crying, sobbing about how horrible life is, how unfair everything in the world is. I'm feeling peaceful and content. It's been far too long since I've felt this way.

             
I wake up some time later to a knock on the door. I didn't realize I even fell asleep on the couch. The menu to the movie I was going to watch is playing on repeat and my drink has completely melted and looks like light green water. Oops. The knock returns and I realize that is what woke me up.

             
"Coming," I yell to whoever it is. I look in the peephole before opening the door. Harvey is beaming at me and it makes me smile. "Hi, what are you doing here?"

             
"Sorry, I tried calling three times but you didn't answer. I wanted to make sure you were okay." He looks at my hair and I can only imagine it looks disastrous.

             
"Yeah, I didn't mean to but I fell asleep on the couch."

             
His eyes meet mine again. "Oh, okay, well if you're alright then." He takes a step back, being slow and cautious. He obviously wants me to invite him in.

             
"Do you want to come in?"

             
He smiles and takes a step towards me. "I'd love to. If I'm not interrupting."

             
I step out of the way and let him in the apartment, then I close the door. "Of course not. Like I said, I was just sleeping."

             
"You hungry?" he asks.

             
"Not yet, but I'm sure when I smell food I will be."

             
"There is a sandwich shop that is a block from here, how does that sound?"

             
"Actually, I've been wanting to try them out. I heard a girl at work talking about how it was the best deli in this part of town."

             
"It is," he agrees.

             
I call and order us each an italian then we sit on the couch and wait.

             
He looks down at my cup and grimaces. "That looks disturbing."

             
"Oh, yeah, it was frozen but I fell asleep before I drank it." I grab it and walk towards the refrigerator, then place it in the freezer so I can have it later. It probably won't taste as good, but I don't want to waste.

             
I hear the noise on the TV and notice he hit play on the movie. "I haven't seen this yet."

             
I sit back down next to him and pull the blanket up over my shoulders, a little chilly from the breeze blowing in from the windows. It smells good though, and it's relaxing, so I don't want to close them.

             
Harvey pulls me close to him and my head falls onto his shoulder. I let it happen. His arm goes over my shoulder and he runs his hand down my arm, warming it up softly. I'm completely relaxed and happy that I jump drastically when there is a knock on the door.

             
He laughs at my near heart attack and I stand up, giving him a small glare. When I answer the door, I hand the delivery guy his money and tip, then I place the bag down on the coffee table. "It looks delicious," I say.

             
"It does."

             
I hand Harvey his roast beef, while I take my ham italian, and together we sit on my couch, eating our food. Half way through Harvey gets up and gets us both a drink of soda pop out of my fridge. You'd think it'd annoy me he just got up and did that without asking me first, but I find it oddly refreshing. He feels comfortable enough around me already. That warms me up inside.

             
When he sits back down, he pushes his shoulder into mine for a second. "What has you all smiles?"

             
I bite down on my lip, repressing my smile some. "Nothing," I mumble.

             
He smiles as he looks towards the TV and grabs at his food again. We don't say anything more as we continue to eat. As soon as my food is done, I wipe at my mouth, take a sip of my drink, then I lay back down on the couch so my head is on Harvey’s shoulder. He finished about three minutes before me. His arm goes back around my shoulder and we remain this way until the movie is done. The second the credits roll, I'm slightly disappointed to give this moment up.

             
"Another movie?" he asks.

             
I pull away from him slightly and grin. "Yeah."

             
He looks joyous as he jumps up from the couch and looks at my very limited movie collection. He pulls a few out to read the back, then he pops in my very favorite movies of all time, Anywhere But Here. "I haven't seen this one yet."

             
"You'll love it."

             
He looks me up and down. "I'm sure I will."

             
I'm so giddy, I almost can't contain my happiness.

             
During the movie, Harvey turns his body slightly, causing me to move. I look up to him, wondering what he is doing, then he slowly and ever so softly brings his lips to mine. I can feel tingles start from my lips and completely spread through my body, warming it in the process. It's incredible. Our lips slowly move against one another, then he brings his tongue into my mouth, which I willingly accept.