Imperfections (56 page)

"Hi, Mom."

"Hello, Catherine."

She stands back to let me in. I called her to let her know I was coming over to get some more of my stuff. She just said that will be fine. The only thing was, I had to come between one and two because Kate would be at her office getting a few things. She's going to be working from home for the next month. She doesn't want her seeing me and getting her upset.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm surviving," I say.

"You didn't call anyone; we haven't heard a word from you."

"Did you want to hear from me?"

"What kind of a question is that, Cat."

"An honest one."

"You could have at least called to see how your sister was doing."

"How is she doing?"

She turns and walks into the dining room. Her back is straight as a rod, which tells me she's not happy with me as usual. I follow behind her like she wants. She sits down in one of the chairs and crosses her legs at the ankle. Signaling for me to sit down with a point of her finger, she puts her hands in her lap. Sitting at the head of the table with her head held high barely looking at me. She's barely made eye contact with me since I walked through the door. She didn't even touch me, as if I would contaminate her. She clears her throat before she starts to speak.

"Since you finally cared enough to ask, your sister is not doing well. She is however doing considerably better, no thanks to you and your…and him."

Great. "I didn't come here for this. I don't want to argue with you or anyone." Oh my God, I feel myself getting emotional. I close my eyes and try to force it down. I don't want to cry. Not here. Not now.

"You don't want what, Cat? To face what you did to this family? Your sister, your brother. Breaking your father's heart. You didn't want to face what you did with that man. What you did was selfish and shameful. How can you even stand to look at yourself knowing what you did?"

Her words are flying at me fast; I can't believe her of all people calling me shameful and selfish. I slam my hand down on the table tears stinging my eyes. "Enough. How dare you, of all people. You shouldn't even say anything like that to me. You, the woman who was going to leave her devoted husband and her child for some man who knocked you up and didn't want you and his children. What you did was worse than me falling in love with a man who loves me. You know what, forget it. It was a mistake for me to come here."

"What did you expect, Cat? Were we supposed to be happy you're sleeping with your sister's fiancé, the father of her baby?"

I push back my chair and get up. She gets up and tells me with all the authority of a queen on her throne to sit down.

"Sit down. Catherine, please sit down."

I look down at the table and sit back down my hands folded across my stomach. "If you're going to throw more insults at me and make me feel worse than I already do, I'm leaving."

"I know what I'm talking about when I tell you he doesn't love you. A man like that won't love you."

"Yet you believed he could love Kate."

I look at her and let out a breath. "I forgot you're the expert at knowing when a man does or doesn't love you." She tips her head at me with a cool look.

"Don't judge me, little girl. You don't know the position I was in. I was young, home alone all the time with a little boy. Your father was always working, a lot. I didn't understand a lot back then much like you. I felt neglected and here was this man showering me with attention, telling me what I wanted to hear and I had no one telling me what I needed to hear. If I did have someone to tell me what I couldn't see, they would have told me this man didn't love me. You are one in a long line of many. I know now that I was."

"Why did you need anyone to tell you that, why couldn't you see on your own?"

"The same reason you can't. I was young; when you're young you're easily fooled when you're vulnerable. Back then I was blinded by his charm and beauty. He made me feel wanted. Every time we were together I felt alive. Here's this man that can have his pick of women and he's choosing me. A girl who came from nothing, a neglected lonely housewife. Fool that I was, that's how I saw it. Thank God your father had mercy on me and forgave me. Any other man would have taken away everything I had, put me out on the street with my pregnant self and told me to go to hell. God was smiling down on me the day he put your father in my life."

"Why did he stay with you?"

She thinks about it. Smiles to herself. "I don't know. I never asked him. Didn't matter, I was just grateful he took me back."

"He must love you a great deal to forgive that."

"I think that is one of the reasons. I also think the biggest reason is no one knew. So his pride and ego could stay intact. He didn't have to be bombarded with outside influences and criticism. That was my major saving grace. A man's ego or pride is one of the most fragile things he has, it can't be bought or replaced. Once you break it, it's not easily repaired."

"Well, you're lucky it all worked out for you. You were forgiven by the one person who didn't have any reason to forgive you." Why can't you do the same for me? We're not so different. The door opens and I get up nervously. I think it's Kate but it's not. I'm relieved when I see it's my father. I'm not ready to see her yet, it's too soon. The wounds are still exposed and open. I'm afraid of the blood bath if we're in the same room.

My relief is short lived. When he sees me his face changes. My mother stands and goes over to him.

"Cat and I were talking."

"Is she still talking to her sister's ex-fiancé?"

Wow. Cold room. I see I'm not going to be forgiven today, maybe never. "I was just leaving. Bye." I get my bag and walk past them. My father puts his hand on my arm. I stop and look up at him hopefully with tears in my eyes. I think he's going to say something to me but he doesn't. He lets my arm go and walks past me. A chill runs through me. I close my eyes, hold my head high, and keep on walking right through the door.

Happy New Year!

I needed this. Ava is jumping around in her bra flash dancing with Matt and Chloe. It's hysterical, it's an hour left till the New Year ball drops and they're already drunk. Any minute now I expect the police to knock down the door. It's like time square in here with all the noise they're making. Chloe is so gone she almost falls off the kitchen table but luckily Matt catches her and breaks her fall. I run over to them with a roll of paper towel to wipe up all the champagne she's spilling and to make sure she didn't break her neck.

"Are you okay?"

Matt is holding her in his arms like a baby with a silly grin on his face. She's nuzzling his neck like a cat.

"She's fine, I got her."

"I can see that."

He gives me a sheepish look and I smile.

"Cat, this party rocks," Chloe slurs. She runs her hand up Matt's face, throws her head back and kicks her four-inch blue suede-booted foot that matches the streaks in her hair up in the air. "We should do this every night."

Matt winks at me while Chloe finishes fondling him. "Yeah, Cat, we should do this every night. I'm game if you are."

"Yeah! I'm all for it," Ava shouts from across the room where she's dancing up a storm.

I'm the only voice of reason here as usual. "No. I like having a place to live. Your drunk asses are going to have us arrested before the New Year gets here for disturbing the peace."

"I don't care where I'm at at midnight as long as I get to kiss your pretty lips."

"I think you have your hands full already, Casanova. Put her in the spare bedroom and make sure she doesn't get anything else to drink."

I clean up the mess on the floor and table, pour myself a glass of champagne, and dance my way over to Ava. She's singing a Pitbull song loud as ever, totally off key.

"Cat, I told you I would find a way to end the year and ring in the new with a bang."

"Yes, you did."

"Are you having fun?"

"Yeah, you were right. I needed this to get my mind off the drama."

"I am always right, don't forget it."

We hold hands and dance around the room with our drinks slushing around in our glasses. Matt comes out of the room, puts his hand around my waist, and tips my glass back up to his lips and takes a drink. I laugh and pull it away from his mouth with mock outrage. "Hey, get your own this is mine."

"Why would I get my own when yours tastes so much better? I know for a fact everything on you tastes so much better."

He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I feel my cheeks heat up. He pulls me in tight from behind with his hand pressed against my stomach. I should pull away but why should I? I'm single, free, and unattached. Besides, there's nothing wrong with a little flirting.

Ava dances away from us over to the bathroom. Matt spins me out of his arms after he takes my drink and finishes it off, throwing the empty glass over his shoulder into the fireplace in one perfect shot. I laugh and throw my head back. He spins me again with a big cheesy grin on his face. I feel like a spinning top I'm getting dizzy from all the spinning. I throw my arms around his neck and hold on tight so he doesn't have a chance to spin me out again. He is a really good-looking guy. Especially when you get this close.

"Isn't there a hot girl you want to ring the New Year's in with, with a sizzling New Year's kiss?"

"Yeah, she's the hottest girl I know."

"So what are you doing here? Why are you not with her?"

"I am. She's right here in my arms where she belongs."

"That's very sweet of you to say. You're making me blush, stop it." I pull out of his arms and flop down in the couch and turn up the TV. Matt sits next to me and we watch Ryan Seacrest. Ava comes out of the bathroom and flops down on the couch with us and throws her long legs over Matt's lap. He looks at me and we shake our heads in unison. He lowers his voice so only I can hear.

"I wouldn't mind if you had your legs wrapped around me."

I hold my finger up to him and bite my lip. "Behave yourself, friend, or I'm going to have your friendship application revoked."

"I'll try but you make it hard. I mean, very hard. Hard as a rock. Stiff, very stiff."

"Shut up, I'm going to put you out."

"Ava sits forward and looks at us suspiciously. "What are you whispering about over there?"

We turn to the TV and say at the same time, "Nothing." She looks at us and smiles.  "Hmm hmm."

Five minutes before the ball drops, Chloe saunters out of the bedroom and we fill our glasses full of champagne and wait for the countdown to start. I can't wait for the new year to start. A fresh new start in the new year. Forget about all the drama of the past year, put it all behind me and try to find a little bit of happiness with myself. I already made my peace with the decision I made. Nick and I can never be together. It's for the best; he is my greatest and only love and more than anything in this world I wish we could be together but we can't. Too many things have happened, too many people have been hurt by us being together, hell, a life was lost. This year was truly the best and worst year of my life. I've never cried so much and felt so alone. I can't wait till it's over, goodbye to the old, hello to the new and hopefully drama-free new year.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!"

We all shout and scream. We hug and kiss, our glasses clinking against each other. The ball drops and we are in a new year. Matt spins around and before I know it his lips are on mine and we're locked in a kiss, his tongue in my mouth. I'm momentarily stunned because it caught me off guard but it's nice. He pulls back and gives me a lighter kiss on the lips. Ava and Chloe look at us and start oohing. We separate and continue our celebration of dancing and drinking the night away with triple chocolate layer cake and my favorite champagne, pink of course."

Before the sun comes up, long after Ava and Chloe fall asleep passed out on the couch,  Matt and I sit on my bed against the headboard and talk.

"So, what did you think about the kiss?" Matt asks.

He takes my hand and holds it in his.

"The kiss was nice."

"Was that it, just nice? Man, I'm in trouble if that's all it was."

"You know what I mean. It was good."

"It was good but what? I hear 'but' in there somewhere."

I don't want to lie to him. We're friends, but I also know he wants more and I'm in no position to give more of anything. I have to be honest with him.

"Come on, Cat, what is it? You can tell me. I promise you won't hurt my feelings."

"It's not you, it's me."

"Are you really giving me this line? I tell you to be honest with me and you're giving me a cheesy blow off cliché line?"

"No! You didn't let me finish."

"I hope you finish better than how you started."

I put my head down on his shoulder and laugh and he laughs with me. "Okay, let me start over."

"Yes, please."

I play with his fingers and brush my thumb across the back of his hand. "I can't be more than your friend. I can't give you what you want until I can get him out of my mind and heart. I don't have a clue when that will happen, I wish I did."

"I know. I wish I could be the man to make you forget all about him. To make you smile. Why did you have to fall for him?"

"I don't know. It's always been him. I had no control over it."

"Damn golden boy. He doesn't know how lucky he is. You deserve better."

"You think so?"

"I know so. You deserve a man who will put your needs first. One who can see how special you are. A man who will put a smile on your pretty face, not misery and doubt in your heart. That's what you deserve, to be loved right. I would like to be that man for you."

"So would I."

"But like you said, that space in your heart is already taken."

Sad but true. He sinks down on my bed. I sink down beside him and I put my head on his chest. He puts his arm around me. I listen to the sounds of a new year in Manhattan breathing silently in the dark room and fall asleep.