In My Dreams (First Tracks Book 2) (6 page)

Avery

It’s a strange thing to come home when you’re a completely
different person and everything has changed. I sat in the idling car on the
street. The house stood there looking the same, and somehow the dissidence of
it all split me down the middle.

Still, I pushed that aside, pulled into the garage and turned
off the car, and started gathering things to take inside. It’d gotten messy
between running up to Portland, the coast, back to Portland…

Too bad Portland and Ashland are on opposite sides of the
state and five hours apart. Portland is literally at the very north point while
Ashland is just a few miles short of the southern border with California. At
least they’re both on I-5.

“Avery?” Jazz’s soft voice sounded surprised.

I turned around and couldn’t hold back a smile of pleasure. She
had her long black hair up in a knot like she does when she draws, and she wore
a long shirt over leggings.

“Jazz, oh my gosh, I’m glad to see your face.” I stepped
over and grabbed her in a hug before she could argue.

A minute later she pulled back. “So you’re really not mad?”

“Mad?” I really hoped it wouldn’t be weird between us. I
needed a friend. “Jazz…”

“I totally turned you in.” Remorse filled her fine features,
crinkling her face.

“Well, what were you supposed to do?” I asked with a shrug.
“Let’s just forget about it.”

She looked at the car behind me and grabbed a stack of
stuff. I got my bag and a few loose things and followed her inside. We walked
back to my room to set things down and then I flopped backwards across my bed
while she sat in the computer chair.

“This feels a little weird, being home, like things are
normal.” How crazy did that sound?

“Tell me what happened at the hospital.”

“They were planning to pull life support. That was around
when you called. I was trying to talk them out of it, but of course they didn’t
believe me. I know it sounded completely crazy. We thought we were out of time…
So we went to the beach, Marcus and me.”

“How?”

“I drove…he talked. He wanted a trip like that for us, like
I did with everyone else. We went and sat on the beach.” The evening rushed
back—those beautiful, painful moments of quick eternity—but I didn’t want to
tell her about all of it. “We talked all night, until I fell asleep, and then
he was gone in the morning. I thought I’d lost him. But his sister Jen called
me to say he woke up. Right when he woke up, he didn’t know who I was.” I try
to say the words in a neutral voice. It’s hard describing the moments when he
looked at me like a stranger, but I pushed through and told her the rest. Then
that phone call…
Ave, I love you, come home.

After several long quiet moments, I told her, “I didn’t know
I could fall for someone like this.”

She didn’t comment. It wasn’t a bad silence but I finally
lifted my head and looked at her. Skeptical Jazz. Her mouth was twisted to one
side.

“Like what?” she asked, like it was a great mystery that she
needed to figure out tonight.

“Like… it’s my head and heart and soul, and I want him, and
I don’t feel like I have any control over it. I just need him. Just thinking
about him makes everything inside me sing.”

She stared at me hard, and I could almost see smoke coming
out of her ears. Why was she analyzing this so hard? Her gaze shifted to the
wall above me and I let her think for a while. She mumbled something to
herself, something like,
so you didn’t have any choice?

Should I comment on that? Did I have anything to say? Then I
noticed something on her leg, sticking out of her legging.

“Is that a tattoo?” I asked, sitting up.

She pulled her legging up to reveal a swirly design in blue.
“Temporary tattoo in jagua ink. It’s natural like the henna I showed you
before.”

I leaned closer. The swirls blended with a bird in flight. I
did remember her henna habit. She ordered this mud off Amazon and drew patterns
on her skin. After the mud dried and flaked off, it left a stain for a couple
of weeks.

“This dries and comes off easier, but the design disappears
for a few hours. Then it comes in dark blue like this.”

I had a feeling she liked it because it looked like real
ink—and I think she’d mentioned wanting to become a tattoo artist. At one
point, I almost thought she had dated one but she doesn’t talk about that.

“That’s really good, Jazz.” I could draw for a short while,
with Marcus in my head. I doubt I can now.

“I’m getting there.” She stood up, still looking like her
thoughts were elsewhere.

“So what about rent?” I asked, waving a hand toward the
hallway and Dawn and Kristina’s rooms. “Kris just left?”

“Dawn is still here, but I think she might be avoiding me
and all of this… I don’t know about Kris. She probably assumes you want her
gone.”

What was I going to do about that? I already pay double rent
because I get the garage and this room, with its own bathroom, but I can’t pay
her part too. I had a trust fund from my parents, but it would only go so far.
I had to budget like a boss.

We’d already agreed it’d be hard to get another roommate for
spring term, especially since it was underway already. Jazz shrugged. This probably
freaked her out. She’s a planner.

“We’ll get it figured out,” I told her, the best thing I
could come up with.

“I have some studying to do,” she said, stepping through the
door and adding, “I’m really glad you’re home.”

“Thanks, and goodnight,” I said, although I had a feeling
she was off to draw or planning to head out. It used to drive Kris nuts trying
to figure Jazz out. We all know she slips out to do things she never tells us
about, and I’m guessing she’s hanging with other friends or drawing henna on
people, or even taking more art classes. She’s very serious about all of that.

She was also still freaked out about this thing with Marcus
and me. I decided to give her some time before bringing all this up again.

So now what? I texted Marcus to let him know I’d arrived
home safely.

I wished his guitar was here. I felt the ache in my fingers
to play, and the music bubbling up in my chest, but I had a sad feeling it wouldn’t
work anymore. I won’t have that connection that gave me the ability to draw and
play music.

The realization scared me. I stood up suddenly started
pacing in my small room, finding my hand tangled up in my hair, pulling on it.
I wanted him. To touch him. To see him. So why does it bother me that I lost
the other connection, and the way things were before?

 But what if I could have some of those things? Maybe I can
learn on my own. I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil, then sat and stared at
the lined blankness. I put the pencil down and started to move it. Without
letting myself make the thought, I knew I was trying to draw Marcus. I tried to
draw like he would, starting where he would start, and slowly filling in with
the eyes, the shape of his nose, his mouth.

To my surprise, my hand created what I saw in my mind. It
worked! I drew him. I wanted to draw his smile but for some reason, the eyes
aren’t quite smiling—they were intensely looking out at me.

Oh, my gosh. I had captured his expression when he zeros in
on my face, the look when he’s about to kiss me.

I suddenly heard my breathing: quick, happy, almost like a
laugh over my creation. I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture, planning to
text it to him. But then again, this was for me. And he hadn’t texted back so
he was probably sleeping already.

I felt strange about it now and put the phone down. It was
really late anyway.

So I stared at the drawing a few minutes and then got ready
for bed. And I thought I was okay until I got under the covers, staring up at the
ceiling, feeling all this darkness and aloneness all around me. And quietness.
I wanted music. I thought about getting my phone to play some, but then I heard
Marcus playing his guitar and singing in my head.

Why did it hurt so much? The bed felt wrong just like my
life, and I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. Marcus was okay. We were
okay. Life was fixable now.

The “fixable” just felt so big and scary right now.

“Marcus?” I whispered into the dark, gazing blindly up at
the ceiling. “Are you there? I need you.”

I tried to breathe but my body shook, so I rolled onto my
side and curled up, squeezing my eyes shut.

How was I supposed to focus on my life here when my thoughts
would be up there with him?

I needed escape.

Please just let me go to sleep.

The words were like a prayer and I felt myself falling into
sweet oblivion.

It wasn’t empty; it was the silence of a white, padded world
where everything is brighter, clearer. The smell of snow filled my nose. Clean.
Crisp. The cold, clean air shot into my lungs like a drug, racing through my
veins and hitting my brain with a burst of serotonin. Pure happiness filled me.

I had a board under me and miles of pristine powder stretching
out, inviting me to explore. Diamond-like sparkles speckled the snow, dancing
in the sunlight and leading the way as I raced forward. Clear blue sky blessed
me from above. Smelling pine, I turned my head. A forest stood off on one side decorating
the edge of the clearing, and a mountain beckoned before me.

My core temp came up from the excitement. Pure, so pure.
Such a singleness—it was just what I needed. I became aware of the board shhhing
over the snow, and I suddenly loved that sound with a terrifying intensity.

Overflowing with gratitude, I yelled out, my jubilant voice
filling the meadow and slopes and gullies.

I turned my body and took a new direction, gliding over a
rolling section that felt like waves under me.

The slopes!

Marcus?

He filled my soul, his joy matching mine.

How’d we get here, babe?

I don’t know! I just know it feels great!

I know, right!! Let’s hit this!

With a whoop, we moved together, flying toward a hill,
anticipation of the jump practically lifting us before the takeoff. We flew off
the top.

It wasn’t anything fancy. No flips. No 180. No board
grabbing.

The beauty of the ride just froze us in a silent flight out
over the powder, feeling the cold wind on our skin. That’s what
alive
feels like. We landed, knees soft, and glided down.

My thoughts swirled, wondering how Marcus felt out here,
with…reality back there. I felt his mind react, turn toward that thought, and
then shove it away.

Who cares about that now?

I didn’t. Not when I can have this.

Wow, deep powder out here today.

I pulled in a super deep breath, wanting to capture as much
as I could from here. I’d need it later.

We took the downhill, swinging around the few trees and
enjoying it silently. Just being here. Just being.

A sharp incline came up and we took it fast. Probably too
fast. It didn’t matter. We soared higher than possible, flying, laughing in the
face of life.

I expected a complete yard sale but we just fell into the
snow and rolled. That’s when I became aware we were both there—it wasn’t just
his voice and being filling my head. We were both lying in the snow. His
laughter filled the air, full and sure, one of those laughs that pause life. We
ended up side by side on our backs, my arm over his.

I rolled my head to look at him—this was so different to see
his face, the sky reflected in his eyes, the white of his teeth as he smiled.

What is this, I wondered, and he lifted his eyebrows in
answer.

Just us. We’re different.

I laughed.

I love you, babe.

Marcus…

Light filtered in.

I was waking up in bed, alone. I felt around under the
covers, half expecting Marcus to still be with me. He wasn’t, of course.

I’ve been free falling. When his life was in danger, nothing
else mattered. But then he went back to his body, and out of my head, and I
think I lost my way.

Marcus has dreams and a career. He’s going to fight like
hell to get strong again and go after more competitions and medals. I know he
can do it.

I need to remember my dreams and my life, and get back up
and fix all of this. I don’t know if I can catch up on my school work and pass,
or if I can fix things with my friends, but I’m not going to lay around and cry
about it anymore.

Marcus

Whoa.

I grinned at the ceiling in the mostly dark room, still
filled with warmth. With Avery. That was mind blowing. Freeing. So crazy.

Holy shit, I needed that—a few minute out on the slopes, a
few minutes with the woman I love. A life line, that’s what that was.

I’d been spiraling down into… depression? Was that
depression? It was new to me, this thing that sucked the life and energy and
drive out of me. Being stuck here, like this, was killing me.

Not anymore… not after that and feeling so close to Avery
again. The dream didn’t make any sense, but neither did the rest of my life.
Like, how did I end up in this hospital bed? How did I end up in Avery’s head?
Why Avery? Why me?

That was the most mysterious part. Why would a guy like me
end up with her? Did fate have some crazy ass sense of humor? I can still
remember those first few days in her head and how timid she seemed. If I would
have been some guy on the street (but still like me) and she met me, we
probably wouldn’t have made eye contact. I would have checked her out, and she
would have looked down and hurried away.

And yet we were thrown together so we couldn’t even hide our
thoughts from each other. Maybe that was for a reason. Maybe the universe
wanted me to help Avery come out of her shell. I know she believes it happened
so she could save my life, but maybe I’ve helped her too. And I have to make
sure I keep doing that. I can’t let her leave her life in ruins. It’s my fault,
but I’m going to make sure it gets fixed.

I stretched my body in the bed, feeling weak and sore, but I
wouldn’t trade any of this if that meant I didn’t know her. That clarity
surprised me. Maybe I was finally getting my head on straight.

I was alone for a change. It was too early for my family,
and the staff was letting me rest. Anytime now, though, the nurses and
therapist would intrude again and want me to go through all the monkey tricks.

Man, I’m starting to sound bitter. I’m alive. I’m in one
piece. I’m going to recover. After all I’ve been through to get to here, this
should be nothing. I’ve trained long and hard, and chased my dream all across
the world. I’ve gone farther than I ever thought possible…even though I
believed in it too.

Now I would chase my health and Avery. Just her name made me
close my eyes, my body perking up and wanting her.

“Marc?” Jen’s soft voice startled me.

“Oh, hey, sis. You’re here early.” I fumbled around until I
found the button to raise the bed. She reached for it too. “I got it. I can do
some things for myself.”

“Like fall in love while you’re in a coma?”

“Huh, guess I can’t slip too much past you.”  I tried for a
laugh and she did too. “Does it make any sense to you?”

“Nope.”

She turned away from me and attached something to the wall,
a big poster board. When she stepped back, I could see it was filled with
photos of me in snow gear, others with me grinning with my boys, and our boards
in the picture half of the time. A few photos showed me airborne in the middle
of a flip on the slopes. My life stared back at me in photos.
That’s who I
am, not this weak person lying here.

“I thought some good memories might encourage you.” She
folded her arms and stared at it for a minute before sitting by the bed.

“
Noice!
Thanks, sis.”  I held up my fist and she gave
me some love. We both looked at the photos for a minute and then I realized
what was missing. “Where are you?”

“What?”

“You should have put some with you, sis.”

She laughed and dropped her head. Jen’s more of a
behind-the-scenes person, but she’s always been there for me. I wished I had
pictures of Avery and me too. Wait…

“Hey, will you check over there and see if she left my
drawings?” I pointed, my heart jumping when I saw a stack of papers. Jen
flipped through them, a smile forming on her face, and then she laughed.

“This is me.”

“Yup. Avery got so jealous when I drew that! I didn’t know who
it was.”

“Really?” She glanced at me several times while she tacked
my drawings to the wall. “How did that work? You could draw while you were in
her head, but you didn’t even know who you were drawing?”

“Yeah, I drew some of those in the middle of the night. She was
sleeping and I somehow made us get up, and I used her hand to draw. I had this
vague memory of you. Then Avery found them in the morning.”

Thankfully Jen turned away then and didn’t see my evil grin.
That night I also sneaked a peek at a few of Avery’s things…like her panty
drawer. I wonder if Avery knew about that? I guess there’s a few surprises we
can still share.

Now I did have a more complete mosaic of my life with Jen
and Avery. We’d have to put some up of mom and dad too, if I was here much
longer. I ignored that thought and focused on the moment.

A minute later, I asked, “You think Mom and Dad will come
around about Avery?”

“Don’t they have to?” she asked right back.

I laughed and then had to explain. “I sounded like you there
and you were being me.”

She gave me a
huh
face until she got it. “Cause I’m
reassuring you? I always do, you dork.”

She was waving her hand at me and I was swatting her away
when we noticed our parents.

“Oh, hey, good morning.” I gave Jen a mock glare.

“It’s nice to see you two having fun.” Mom gave my dad a big
ol’ smile. “Isn’t it?” She kinda looked like a 40s housewife for a minute
there, and her voice even matched.

“It is.” Dad clamped a hand on my shoulder. “Laughter’s the
best medicine. You’ll be up and running again in no time with your attitude.”

“He’s always had a great attitude,” Jen said, rolling her
eyes. She’s like our little police officer sometimes!

“Now, Jen,” Dad started. I just smiled, watching them pick
at each other. Better than soap operas. That reminded me of my Grams watching
“her shows.” I do love my family.

“Now, Avery got home safely and back to class?”

I had no idea about the class part, but I said, “Yup.”

“She’s been a real sweetheart to you.” Mom waited half a
beat before giving Dad a look. They had a funny way of arguing.

“Yeah, she has,” he said reluctantly.

“She coming back up next weekend?” Jen asked, and it was the
natural next question. But it was a loaded question—as in a bulldog loaded up
on bad burritos and about to blow.

“Think that’s the plan,” I said, keeping it short.

Dad glanced at Mom and cleared his throat. “Don’t you think
it’d be better for her to focus on school and not run up here again?”

I opened my mouth but couldn’t respond. I’d wondered that
too actually. But, damn, I wanted to see her. She would be here on the weekend,
not during class, but he had a point.

Still, I knew Avery would be miserable if she stayed down
there, away from me. Knowing her, she’d be thinking about me and worrying and
not studying anyway.

My parents and Jen were all staring at me, and I got the
ugly feeling that Dad thought he was making ground. Why did he want to keep her
away from me in the first place? Did he think she was slowing my recovering or
hurting me somehow? I shook my head, jaw clenched, trying to find the words to
put this doubt to rest.

“I love her,” I said. “She’s a big part of my life, and
she’s going to be around. Okay? I know you don’t understand it all, but you
love and trust me, and this is my life.”

My throat tightened while I waited for my dad to respond. I
wanted to hear him say something. The quiet in the room built until he finally pulled
in a slow breath. A knock on the wall by the door stopped him from speaking.

“Marcus! Ready for today’s session?” Jared, a stout, fit man
of about thirty, spoke while walking into the room and flipping through the
papers on his clipboard. He had big ears and usually a super wide smile, but when
he looked up, he got concerned as he glanced between my family members.

 “Jared! I am. Let’s go.” He’d save me from this hell, even
if he was taking me to another one.

“Do you want us to come?” Jen asked.

I shook my head. I couldn’t take any more family group
stuff. So Jared helped me into the wheelchair.

As he wheeled me down the hall, he said quietly, “Your
family means well. It’s hard on the families.”

I snorted.

“Yeah, I know. All’s I’m saying is they got it hard too.”

I scoffed this time, but not loud enough for him to hear me.
This negative shit wasn’t like me. I didn’t like it. 

We entered the therapy room and I looked around at the
torture devices. The rails to help me stand and walk taunted me.

“Ya know,” he said, turning to survey the room with me.
“You’re doing way better than I could have expected.”

Maybe it had helped me, being inside Avery’s head. I wasn’t
really in a coma, not like other people have been. I was active and thinking,
and that might have kept my body strong. Before Jared could turn, I tried to
grip the wheelchair arms and push up. My hands didn’t grip all the way but I
found some inner strength to propel myself up outta the chair…

And almost into Jared.

My legs played stupid and buckled.

“Whoa!” He caught me like I was a kid and lowered me back
down. “Let’s do this right, man. One thing at a time. One step at a time.”

I stared at his chest, blood flooding my face so fast I
couldn’t hear. What if my limbs didn’t start listening to me? Was I going to be
a ragdoll the rest of my life?

“Listen, Marcus, you know this will take work. Small steps
at first. I mean, you trained to make it to the Olympics, so I know you know
how to work hard and be patient.”

Fuck, I wasn’t going to sit here and dwell on this. I
motioned for him to get started. I knew we had the stretches first. He kept
talking the entire time, as he moved my good arm.

“I know you want to get back on that snowboard… and you want
to be there for your girl.”

“You a mind reader now?” I asked, but only halfway
irritated.

“It’s the truth, ain’t it? You’ve got lots to motivate you.”

“Yeah, and I’m still sitting here.”

Jared turned and looked around. “Why don’t we get to work?
Show me what you can do.”

I thought back to how I gave Avery strength when I was in
her head. That was all mental. Snowboarding is mental. Winning is mental. It
all starts in your head.

“I can work hard,” I told Jared. “I don’t care how hard it
is or how much it hurts. I just want to be my own person again, and soon.”

He grinned. “That’s what I like to hear.”

That’s what I wanted to show everyone, and Avery most of
all.