In My Dreams (First Tracks Book 2) (7 page)

Avery

The world was waking up outside but I wanted to cherish the
soft, warm, safe feeling in my bed for just a few minutes more. Why, I kept
wondering, was I feeling so timid about going on with life? What was I so afraid
of now? Was it just because so much had changed, and I couldn’t find the
horizon anymore?

I’ve lived through a lot of change. Losing my parents, and knowing
it was my dad’s fault. I had to start out on my own. I’ve left so many things
buried thinking I wouldn’t have to deal with them.  I’m not sure why it clicked
into place at this moment, but I realized I needed to tie up all those loose
threads in my life. My dad was gone; he’d never get to right what happened or
even apologize for it, but I know he would want to. Somehow I have to find a
way to let that go and remember all the good times we shared before they died.

My life is completely different again, but it’s good
changes, right? I have Marcus in my life now. Jazz is still my friend. I would just
have to fix the rest of it.

My first day back; I can do this
. I threw back the
covers, got up and got ready. It was so nice outside I rode my bike to school.
The air smelled fresh and clean, a soft breeze kissed my skin, and blue sky showed
through the clouds in places. A good sign.

I locked my bike up and it felt good walking onto campus. And
the first person I recognized as I navigated through the walkways was Ettore. I
flashed him a smile and rushed over, swinging my arms up to hug him.

Then I realized we weren’t exactly hugging friends, but he
hugged me back. We always talked in class but I hadn’t spoken to him since all
the crazy happenings.

“Damn, Avery, you won’t believe the rumors I heard…and now I’m
wondering after that hug.” He blushed, looking down at me. My super tall
friend.

“I… yeah, things got weird for me. Headed this way?” We
turned and walked together, talking all the way there like old times. Maybe
some things wouldn’t change on me.

My day turned into a day of catching up. First I had to make
sure I could still attend this term. Then I had to catch up with professors and
try to explain things, then get back assignments, and beg for more time. It was
all too much, so I tried to make a list and work through it, not thinking about
the actual work part yet.

In the halls and outside, people were sliding glances at me
but no one made eye contact. Did they all know? Were the rumors going around
about how I’d gone off the deep end? I could go to the middle of campus and
scream at the top of my lungs, “He’s real! He’s alive! I’m not crazy!” But I
think that would defeat the point.

I laughed to myself as I walked, thinking how Marcus would
like that too. Hell, he’d probably do it.

Isn’t that funny?

But he can’t hear me anymore.

I sighed and looked ahead, and someone caught my eye. I
recognized his silhouette and took off running. “Nash!”

He paused mid step for a half second before he just kept
going.

“Nash!” I ran up beside him. He stared ahead, his face stone
like, while I caught my breath. “Please just give me a minute to talk to you.”

His gaze slid over and returned to the path. “Sixty seconds
and counting.”

“I’m really sorry for putting you through all of that.”

“If you had something going on with him, why did you string
me along?”

What? I tried to catch up mentally but didn’t do too well on
that aspect. “Nash, I wasn’t sure he was real.”

He twisted his face up and held up his palms, giving up on
all of this, I guess.

“I saw his video on Facebook,” he said in a flat voice.
Somehow there was still a lot of emotion behind it.

I didn’t know anything about that. I looked around,
helpless, wishing for something to say to help this situation. “It doesn’t make
any sense.”

“Yeah, I know.” He turned and walked off at an almost
sprint.

I walked away, deflated and hurt. Yeah, I really hurt him
but I didn’t mean to. I really liked Nash before Marcus fell into my head and
life. I tried to shake the guilt off and get on with my day—with so much to do
I couldn’t allow myself a pity party right now.

Two hours later, back at home, I threw my backpack on my bed
and starting unloading it. Looking at my books and notebooks, everything came
crashing down. How was I going to write three papers, a short story revolving
around smell, a paper on a short poem I didn’t like, a movie critique for my
film class…and I hadn’t watched the movie yet…and all of the reading. Oh, and
an assignment where I find a song as the background.

I felt too overwhelmed to think straight. Maybe I needed to
move more. I dropped down and started doing pushups.

Then I laughed out loud. Marcus would love this—he wasn’t
here to push me and I was doing pushups on my own. I finished twenty, then did
fifty sit ups, and finally dug through my dresser for running clothes.

It was early evening when I went outside, with puffy clouds
all over the twilight sky, but no rain. The cool air felt perfect. This April
was turning out to be a warm one. I took off, knowing I was procrastinating on
my school work, but I needed to clear my head before digging into it.

At first I missed Marcus and wanted to hear his voice, but
soon I found my rhythm and just listened to his songs in my head.  I didn’t
think about how far or how long I ran; I simply ran along at a comfortable
pace, imagining that each step cleared my head a little more. I headed out of
town a ways and turned back when it felt too dark to safely run.

I was back by the houses when a car came up alongside me,
its loud engine startling me. I knew it was one of those little racing cars
before looking over at the low rider Honda.

Was Kris still hanging out with Kyle and driving it? I
ducked down to see the driver and met Kyle’s brown-eyed gaze.

Fuck. Goosebumps went all the way down my back.

He pulled the car to the curb and shut off the engine. Why
did he do that? I wanted to take off running at first, but I decided to face
him and walked around to the driver’s side—there were houses on both sides and
even a person pulling into their driveway.

He watched me through the window, then got out slowly and
shut the door. That made me nervous, but he leaned against the car in a
nonthreatening way.

I hadn’t seen him or heard anything about him since the trip
to the coast. It had all taken a back seat to saving Marcus’s life. Now it
rushed back, how he tried to kiss me and got Kris mad at me, and even before
that how he played games with my life.

I crossed my arms and glared. “You’re a real asshole.”

He reacted physically, wincing like I had pinged him with a
bullet.

“I know, I did figure that out.” He combed his fingers
through his hair, then slid both hands in his jeans pockets. “I’m sorry about
everything. I really want a chance to apologize to you.”

Sorry? Mr. Movie Star Looks and Charm was sorry?

Was he genuine? Or just trying to make points to get back
with Kris? Or still trying to mess around with me?

“I shouldn’t have tried anything over on the coast. I don’t
know why…” He shrugged, a helpless shrug like it was out of his control. My
anger spiked.

“What are you after?”

“Just wanted to apologize?” He looked around,
self-conscious. “Kris and I are over. I’m not trying to make anything happen
here. I just saw you and, well… we were all friends and I screwed it up.”

He squinted at me.

Had we really been friends? He’d dated Kristina for a year
after him and I broke up, but we were more fake friends than real, just playing
parts for Kris. I glanced around because I didn’t know how to react or what to
say. The neighborhood was quiet but my heart started pounding super hard. I
heard it in my ears and felt it in my fingertips. It didn’t help that I’d been
running.

“And what about before?” I asked. That little simple word
was dirty in this case. I thought back to that night and the nightmares. It
doesn’t bother me like it used to, but it was still wrong of him.

“I’m sorry about that too,” he said quietly, his face down for
a long minute. Then he made eye contact again and repeated, “I’m sorry. I’ve
been stupid. That was really stupid, and mean, and I’m sorry I scared you.”

I don’t ever let myself think about that night with Kyle so
long ago—how I didn’t want to go all the way with him and he punched the wall.
The weird part was, I always felt embarrassed about it. Humiliated even. But I
didn’t do anything wrong.

I stepped back, wanting to run away from the emotions
bubbling up like hot lava.

“I guess we should have talked about that a long time ago. I
lost it, and I was wrong. I was embarrassed too, you know? I knew I did
something wrong, and I don’t know. I got with Kris, and we all acted like
things were normal.”

We did. It had been easier that way, but not better. I
wasn’t going to admit that to him now though.

“No one else knew things weren’t.” I bumped the toe of one
sneaker into the ground.

“But maybe things can be fixed, you know?” A car rolled by
and we waited it out. It wasn’t like they could hear us from inside the car but
it felt right to wait. He held out his hands. “Is there’s something I can do to
make things right…”

I swiveled around slowly, thinking, wondering about this.
When I turned back his way, I asked point blank, “Where is this coming from?”

“That’s the crazy thing.” His voice picked up, excited. “I
had these dreams. They were so real. Well, the dreams were really shitty, but I
dreamed like I was you, like on the other end of things, and saw what I did.”

I stepped back again, this time disbelief almost knocking me
over. He had dreams? That was something special. He didn’t deserve to be a part
of this thing that had touched both Marcus and me. I took another step back,
shaking my head.

“I know, I know, it sounds nuts. And even if you can’t
believe me, you can see I’m different right?” He straightened up, holding his
hands out like he was begging. “And it was awful. I didn’t know. But please
believe me. I even talked to my mom and told her everything. I’ve actually been
looking for you so I could apologize.”

I turned away, a hand over my mouth. I couldn’t believe it,
not because I didn’t believe it could happen, but because I couldn’t believe he
got to have dreams.

A memory floated to the surface in my mind, from that day on
the coast trip. I came downstairs and he was talking to his mom on the phone.
It sounded like she was sick because he kept saying he’d go home and take care
of her.

“Do you believe me? At least believe how sorry I am?”

I faced him again. He stood, palms out, pleading with
wounded eyes. Maybe he did understand the pain he caused. And I have to believe
him about the dreams. I didn’t trust my voice to sound normal so I nodded.

He fell back against the car, his gaze on me, and as odd as
it was, we shared a brief look of understanding.

I nodded again and started off slowly, feeling dazed. I had
to get away so I could breathe. It was like leaving a long movie and emerging
into the bright daylight outside of the theater. He was quiet behind me, and I
waited until I reached the corner and turned before looking back. Kyle was
still leaning against his car.  

It didn’t seem fair. I couldn’t shake the feeling even
though I knew it wasn’t reasonable. So what if Kyle got to experience something
special, something that I thought was just for Marcus and me? It changed his
mind. It completely changed him, and for the better. I should be relieved about
that, and happy that he apologized, right?

It felt bitter in my mouth. I couldn’t accept it yet, not
that part. I knew I
would
, but right now I wasn’t ready.

Another thought popped up… Hadn’t Jazz asked about having
dreams? I had forgotten about it since then, and even while Marcus and I had
dreamed together. It didn’t seem to relate to Jazz at all, but if Kyle had
special dreams maybe Jazz dreamed about something too. Marcus and I had dreamed
about snowboarding together, and Kyle and dreamed about how he acted and how it
affected me, so what would Jazz dream about? It didn’t make any sense, and I
was twisting my brain into a knot.

I looked up, still dazed, and realized I was home already. The
house was empty and dark inside so I flicked on all the lights as I walked back
to my room. Tonight, I didn’t even check the time, didn’t stop to take a
shower, I just called Marcus.

“Hey, babe, how’s it going?” His voice held pleasure and
excitement. I wanted to fall into it. That voice was so familiar, like my own
now. I needed that reassurance. I needed to know we still had a connection.

“Good. I think.” I stopped awkwardly, wanting to tell him
about Kyle but not wanting to start off our conversation with that. “School’s
kinda crazy, but I expected that. I have so much to do.”

He didn’t answer right back, and I bit my lip. Of course, I
wasn’t looking at physical therapy and the uncertainty that he was. I wanted to
backtrack and asked, “How are you feeling?”

He spoke too, saying, “You can do it, Ave. I know how
determined you are.”

“Thanks… you doing okay?”

He made a noise, and this time I couldn’t tell what it
meant. Irritated?

“I’m okay. Just trying to get up and get moving.”

Oh, that was the noise.

“So I went for a short run.” I thought I might be able to
lead into what just happened.

“You’re running without me?” Amusement. Good, he wasn’t sad
about it.

“I wasn’t sure where to start on the homework so I worked
out instead. I just got back actually.” How to tell him about Kyle? I put it
off by mumbling, “I probably need a shower…”