In Name Only (18 page)

“Thank you.  Are
Liam and his brother still in the hallway?”

Jane opened the
door and peeked out.  “Yes, they are.”

“Would you mind
standing there and letting me know when David leaves.”

“Certainly.  I’d
be happy to do that for you.”

Caroline stood
before the vanity and studied herself.  After having it up all day yesterday,
she decided to leave her hair down today. 

“It doesn’t look
like Mr. David is making haste to leave.”

“Very well.  I
suppose I shall go ahead.”

“May I leave
now?”

“Yes, of course.”

Caroline entered
the hallway. Liam and David were deep in conversation at the top of the O’Donovan
grand staircase. Caroline felt embarrassed, especially around David, as he
would know exactly what transpired and he would likely offer a snide comment to
her.  She was definitely not at ease with having her brother-in-law so near
after her wedding night.

“The packing
company from Boston has increased their prices for all of their goods. Perhaps
we should use another proprietor.”

“I don’t think
so, David.  They’ve been quite reliable.  You ought to be happy to pay the
extra price to depend on them.”

Despite David’s
continued presence and her trembling hands, she impatiently decided to approach
the two men.  Caroline kept her eyes focused on her husband.  Liam smiled as
soon as he noticed her coming toward them. “Good morning, Caroline.”

“Good morning.”

“Excuse me, Liam,
may I speak with you?” Caroline asked, avoiding eye contact with David.

“Yes, of course.”

“Well, goodbye,
Lee, Caroline.  See you in a week.”  She looked up and watched as David began
walking down the staircase. He turned and winked at her.  Caroline cringed.

Chapter 16

Later that
evening Caroline sat at her vanity and began to systematically rearrange the
perfumes, combs and brushes.  It was already late and Liam had not yet returned
upstairs.  When he did, he would want her to join him in his bedroom or perhaps
he would come to her room. She wasn’t yet certain of the protocol of intimate
marital activity and if she must be honest with herself, she would much rather
remain in her bedroom, alone, this evening.  However, her husband was a married
man and deserved to have his wife every night if he so desired.

Caroline picked
up her Bible and sat in the chair near the fireplace.  The old book practically
opened itself to the Songs of Solomon, the direct middle of the Bible. She was
uncomfortable with the erotic imagery of this book, but her eyes were drawn to
a passage at chapter 3, verses 1 and 2.

“
By night on
my bed, I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him but I found him not.  I
will rise now and go about the city and the streets and in the broad ways, I shall
seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him but I found him not
.”

Continuing, she
read verse 7:10:

“
I am my
beloved’s and his desire is toward me
.”

Desire.  She knew
that Liam desired her.  She wanted to do her duty but the whole marriage bed
experience had been embarrassing and awkward.

“I sought him
but I found him not
.
”
  Perhaps she ought to find Liam and bring him
upstairs.

The warmth and
crackling of the fire lulled her and with the book open on her lap, Caroline
began to drift off to sleep.

*  *  *

In the downstairs
study, Liam checked his pocket watch and sighed at the lateness of the hour. 
He returned the ledger to the shelf and turned off the gas lamp.  He hesitated
at the doorway, then he peered into the dimly lit foyer and stared upward. 
Before last night, Liam had reasoned that once their initial encounter was out
of the way, it would be smooth sailing. Now, he was feeling more awkward.
Despite the disdain he felt for David’s cavalier attitude toward women and
intimacy, he found himself disappointed that his brother was away.  Or should
he even be speaking of such delicate matters to his brother?

Lord, what can
I do to assist her during our intimate time together?

“Mr. Liam, you’re
still awake?”  Jane asked as she stood at the top of the steps.

“Yes, Jane.  I’ll
turn off the lamps.

“Very well.  Will
you be needing anything else this evening?”

“Is my wife
awake?”

“I don’t know. 
Shall I knock on her door for you?”

“No, no.  That’s
fine.  Good night.”

“Good night, Mr.
Liam.”

Liam extinguished
the lights one by one. As he reached the top of the staircase, he remained
still for a moment, then began to methodically turn off the lights in the
hallway until he reached his room.  He waited outside of Caroline’s room and
listened for a few moments but heard nothing.  He lifted his hand, then drew
away from the door without knocking.  He turned toward his own room and changed
into his night clothes.

Liam was
almost home.  He had trudged up the laneway before he realized that he would
have to tell his parents that he had lost David or that David had lost him. 
Besides, he was nearly twelve and certainly not in need of David chaperoning
him at the church youth cookout. Of course, his father would blame him and not
David, because that’s the way it was.  Perhaps he could just slip in the back
door and up the rear staircase so that no one would notice that he had returned
without David.  However, as he passed by the open parlor window, he could hear
his father’s raised voice and he stopped to listen.

“That’s
because you spend all your time coddling him, Emma.  He’s a young man and he
ought to act that way.  The way he sniffles and cries, you’d think he was two
years old.”

“He’s
sensitive, Jack.  He’s. . .”

“Boys should
not cry.”

Liam was
unable to hear any response from his mother.  The room was quiet for a moment. 
He began to walk away, then he heard his father speak up, this time, his tone
soft.

“He’s never
been right. . .since he was born.”

“Right?  He
almost died, Jack.  He was sick for many months.  I should think you’d be happy
that he survived.”

“Emma, nature
has the right idea.  When an animal is born weak and sickly, they’re left to
die.”

“What are you
saying, Jack?  He’s our son.”

“Yes, well,
I’ve had my doubts about that.”

Again, Liam
couldn’t hear his mother’s response, but soon heard his father shouting again. 
“He doesn’t look like me, he doesn’t act like me, he’s a sniveling baby most of
the time. What am I supposed to think?”

Liam dropped
to the ground outside the parlor window and began to cry.  Perhaps his father
was correct.  He was a baby who cried all the time.  Maybe he ought to have
been left to die when he was born.  He quickly got up and ran toward the back
of the house and inside the door. 

He climbed the
staircase to his room.  He picked up his violin, locked himself in his closet
and began to play as quietly as he could.

Liam took a deep
breath and let it out slowly.  Evenings tended to be more difficult for him,
and the loneliness seemed to consume him, especially when David was away. He
longed to share some of this with his wife, yet he didn’t want to burden her
with his memories. She had her own painful history and she was certainly not in
need of the horrid stories of his father beating and berating him.  He picked
up his violin, sat down in his closet and began to play.

*  *  *

She peered out
the window of her small bedroom.  It felt good, familiar to be back home in Boston. Distant high-pitched music caused Caroline to turn toward the open door.  She moved
across the room and entered the narrow hallway in search of the source. Next,
she found herself in an unfamiliar forest still following the music as she
glided, unconnected, to the next venue: the kitchen at the Martin house where
the haunting melody continued to sound faraway. She reached the back door,
stepped out and found herself falling in darkness.

Caroline gasped,
sat straight up and listened.  The fireplace held only red coals and the oil
lamp was still aglow.  Soft music echoed throughout the upstairs and the
lulling quiet melody urged her to return to sleep.  Stubbornly, she got up and
opened the door. 

Liam was playing
the violin, slow and crisp, beautiful.  Yet, something in the music, perhaps
the melancholy tone, caused her to feel as if she were intruding on a private
moment.  Abruptly, the music stopped.  Caroline crept across the hall and
knocked.  He opened the door dressed in his nightshirt.

“Caroline.”

“That was
beautiful, Liam.”

“I didn’t mean to
wake you.”

“It doesn’t matter. 
I tried waiting up for you, but I fell asleep.”

“Then you must be
tired.”

“Not at all. 
I’ve had a rest now.” She paused.  “Just a moment.”  Caroline quickly returned
to her room. She turned off her lamp, then joined her husband outside of his
room. “Liam?”

“Yes?”

“The music you played
sounded. . .sad.”

“Well, I. . .”
Liam lowered his head and, at first, avoided eye contact.  He finally brought
his gaze to meet hers. “If you’re tired. . .”

When she looked
deeply into his eyes, Caroline saw a void which needed to be filled. Despite
the awkwardness, she found herself desiring him in a way which seemed foreign
to her. At that moment, she wanted the one-flesh experience again to somehow
fill the emptiness in his eyes.

“No, I’m fine,
really.  I wish to be with you tonight.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

Liam moved aside
for her to enter his room, then he closed the door.

Chapter 17

Kip leaned his
head into the doorway of the study.  “Mr. Liam, I’ll be leaving in a half
hour’s time to pick up Mr. David at the train station.  Will you be coming with
me?”

“Yes, Kip.”

Liam took the
ledger off the shelf and sat at the desk.  He opened the book, made a few
notations, then set the quill down. He couldn’t seem to concentrate and he was
making too many mistakes.  It had now been a week since he and Caroline had
married.  During the day, he found it enjoyable to spend time with his wife. 
Yet, as each night came and went, he became more and more uneasy.  He couldn’t
figure out exactly what was bothering him.  Eventually, he hoped that she would
become with child. He greatly looked forward to being a father and for the
opportunity to be a better father than his own had been.

They hadn’t
spoken of their intimate experiences at all, but he had decided to insist that
Caroline remain in her bedroom for the last two nights. Although she seemed to
want to please him, he could tell she was still feeling awkward and unsure in
his bed.

Perhaps David
would have some words of wisdom for him.  Liam laughed out loud at the absurdity
of it. Generally speaking, the two brothers spoke openly regarding every
conceivable issue.  Years ago, when David first visited the brothel, he shared
the intimate details of each visit until Liam insisted that he keep those
sordid experiences to himself.

Now, Liam tried
to remember what, if anything, David had said in those early days.  The only
comment by his brother that he could recall was that it was possible for women
to have as much pleasure as men. Perhaps he should have paid more attention.

*  *  *

“David, over
here,” Liam called at the train station.

“I thought that
Kip was picking me up.”

“I wanted to come
and greet my only brother.”

“Ah, correction:
your older, wiser and more handsome brother.”

Liam rolled his
eyes.

“So what’s the matter
with you, Lee?”

“Nothing.”

“You can talk to
me about it.”

“Well, since you
asked. . .”

“That’s more like
it.  Speak, Lee, your advisor waits to give you the outpouring of his wise and.
. .”

“It’s private. 
I’d rather wait until we’re inside the carriage.”

“Private?” his
voice bellowed.

“David, be quiet,
please.” 

They approached
the carriage. Kip nodded to David. “Hello, Mr. David.  I hope you had a good
trip.”

“Yes, Kip, I
did.”

Inside the
carriage David asked, “So what is this private matter you wish to discuss?”

Liam pushed his
back against the seat and tried to settle himself as the carriage began to
move.  Somehow, this felt wrong, like he ought not to be asking for his
brother’s advice.  After all, what sort of wisdom would David have anyway?  He
had carnal knowledge of just about every servant girl in Germantown.  It wasn’t
the sort of experience which would grant him expert status on marriage, that’s
for certain.