In Name Only (44 page)

Caroline was now
truly his wife.  A few moments ago, with their bodies, they repeated the vows
they had recited earlier in the day.  He had experienced this act with many
women and yet this was the first time that it felt right, good, even sacred.

How many times
had he given his body to prostitutes whose names he didn’t know, to servants he
didn’t care about?  David wished that he could erase that part of his life, but
it was impossible.  The best he could do now was to forget, to leave it in the
past, where it belonged.

He had never
before thought much about the potential that he could be creating a child, not
with the prostitutes, for certain.  With the servants, he knew there was a
possibility but, back then it wasn’t an important part of the bedding process. 
He sometimes offered his own feeble attempts to have the pleasure of it without
the consequences of making the girl with child.  Most of the time, though,
conceiving a baby was the last thing on his mind.

Now, however, he
was overwhelmed with the likelihood, maybe probability, that at this moment or
in the weeks ahead, Caroline would be carrying their child, a baby created from
their most intimate act of love. Not only did he hope it would happen soon, he
now prayed for it.

And yet, deep
within, he couldn’t help but feel guilty that he was enjoying the fruits of
marriage with Caroline.  What would Liam have thought of this situation?

Caroline stirred
and he kissed her forehead.  “I love you,” he whispered.  He caressed the soft
skin of her arm and shoulder. He recalled her modesty, her fear of showing
herself to him, her trembling, and these all filled his heart more deeply with
love for her.

How can I ever
thank You for the gift of Caroline’s love and for allowing us to truly be one?

The Almighty was
now giving him an opportunity to start anew. David concluded that he would
never be able to adequately show his gratitude to God, but he vowed that
whatever the Lord asked of him in the future, he would joyfully accept.

*  *  *

Caroline woke
from a deep sleep.  Her head was on her husband’s chest and she listened to the
soft beating of his heart, a heart which had captured her own so completely.

Lifting her head,
she watched him as he slept, deeply, contentedly. Caroline could not fathom
that she was here, with her former brother-in-law, now husband, in his bed. 
How was it possible to love him this much?

David had been
patient and tender with her, just like his brother had been. She cringed
inwardly as she remembered the first time with Liam and her closed eyes,
clenched fists and still body. How naive she had been and how selfish. 

Oh Liam
.

Caroline pulled
on her robe and quietly slipped out of bed.  She stifled a gasp when her foot
touched the cold hardwood floor. She carefully placed another log onto the
fire.

She walked to the
window and gazed at the softly falling snow outside.  Thick frost grew like
smiles on the inside of the windows.  As day was beginning to dawn, the
whiteness outside bathed the room in a light blue-gray glow, a radiance which
seemed to illuminate the area surrounding their marriage bed. David was
sleeping soundly and breathing audibly. Her eyes were drawn to the crucifix on
the wall above his bed and she recalled David’s words: “
This very act is
ordained by God
.”

Again facing the
window, she remembered Liam’s concern after their first time together.

“Are you all
right, Caroline?”

“Caroline?”

She let out an
audible gasp.
He sounds so much like Liam
.  Her back to him, she
answered, “Yes,” her voice trembling.

David slipped out
of bed and embraced her from behind as she stared out the window, the snow
continuing to accumulate on the sill outside. “I love you,” he whispered, then
kissed the side of her neck.

She nodded but
made no sound.

“What’s wrong?”

Caroline shook
her head.

“Please.  Tell
me,” he whispered.

“I couldn’t help
but think of. . .him. . .tonight.”

He gently turned
her to face him.  “I’ve been thinking about him too.” He gathered her into his
arms.  “Lee would want us to be happy.”

“I know.  But I
miss him so much.” She leaned against his chest.

“I wish he could
have known me as I am now.”

“He would have
been happy, David.”

“Yes.”  He
paused.  “Have I ever expressed my gratitude to you?” he whispered.

“Your gratitude?”

He nodded.
“You’re part of the reason I wanted to change.”

“I am?”

“Yes.  You always
looked at me with such disdain.  If for nothing else, I wanted to please you.”

“I am pleased,
David, very pleased.  Now, what were you saying about expressing your gratitude
to me?”

Chapter 55

David pressed a
lingering kiss to his wife’s lips.  He could engage in this holy, intimate act
of marriage every day and it wouldn’t be enough for him.  It wasn’t merely
because of the physical pleasure, although that was a great gift.  With his
body, David repeated the vows he made to Caroline at their wedding and she
reciprocated.

Memories from
past experiences still occasionally haunted his dreams, but he and Caroline had
begun to pray before bedtime, and most especially, before they became intimate.

“Caroline, I have
never been so happy.” 

She snuggled up
close to him.  With her finger, she traced an invisible line from his wrist to
his shoulder and down his chest. He caught her hand and brought it to his lips,
kissing her palm. “So you think you may be with child?”

“I’m not certain. 
But I have missed my second monthly, and I can’t think of any reason other than
I’m carrying. I’m not sick at all, though.  With Kathleen, I retched early and
practically until the time I delivered.”

He kissed her
stomach, then began to caress it. “Perhaps it means that my son is in there and
he’s making it easy for you.” 

“Of course.”

“This would be a
most wonderful event for us.”

“Yes, it would.”

Soon, Caroline
fell into a deep sleep.  Beside his wife, David felt like he had just been
given a most extraordinary gift. A baby, perhaps a son that he could love and
nurture and go fishing with, teach how to ride. . .or another daughter he could
spoil and take to the park.  Yes, for David, this was a sign that God had
forgiven him.

He woke to the
sounds of moaning.  David blinked his eyes and listened. Beside him, Caroline
grabbed his arm.  He sat up. “Caroline, what’s the matter?”

She winced.  “I
don’t know.  My stomach, it’s. . .”

David jumped up
and turned on the oil lamp next to the bed.

Caroline pushed
the covers aside and gasped at the now red flannel sheets. 

At the sight of
the blood-filled bedding, David’s heart became heavy, but he couldn’t allow her
to be aware of his anguish.  “It’s fine, Caroline.  I’ll call for Jane.”

“No, no, don’t
leave me, David.  Please!” She moaned and squeezed his wrist.

He reached for a
small towel and helped Caroline to put it between her legs, but within moments,
it was soaked through.  “This couldn’t be my monthly; it’s too heavy and it
hurts.”  Caroline began to cry. He leaned in to embrace her.

“Mr. David?” Jane
asked through the closed door.

“Jane, come in,”
David said.

The servant
opened the door, then rushed to the side of the bed.  “What’s wrong?”

Caroline moaned
again, while David tried to keep the towel between her legs.  “Jane, I think
she may be. . .”

“Yes, Mr. David. 
Might be a miscarriage.”

Caroline
screamed.  “It hurts!”

“I know.  I’m
sorry, Caroline.”

An hour or so
later, his wife miscarried their baby. Caroline was crying, but David was now
staring in awe at several clots of blood surrounding the smallest human being
he had ever seen, tiny, red and all curled up, the size of which could easily
fit into a child’s palm.  Caroline’s eyes were wide as she noticed the small
form, still and unmoving, on the bed.

“David.”

“Yes, Caroline,
our child.”

“I’ll see to
this, Mr. David,” whispered Jane as she gently and carefully picked up the
miniature baby.

A short while
later, the bleeding slowed and Jane assisted Caroline into a clean gown, while
David changed the bedding.  As he stood up, Caroline stared at the mid-section
of his nightshirt.  He was covered with blood, hers and their baby’s. “David,
you need to change your nightshirt.”  His head lowered as he studied his shirt,
then he whispered, “I’ll get to that later.”

“Miss Caroline,
perhaps I should accompany you back to your room?”

“No, Jane,”
answered David, “I’d prefer that Caroline remain here with me.”

“Of course, Mr.
David.  I’ve put another thicker piece of flannel down there in case there’s
more bleeding, but it looks like it has slowed down.  Let me know if you need
me.”

“Thank you.”

Jane left the
room and as they rested quietly together, Caroline began to sob.  “Shhh.  There
will be others,” David whispered.

As she cried
herself to sleep, he finally felt her relax, her face wet against his chest. 
Only then, did he allow himself to quietly weep.

*  *  *

David genuflected
and knelt in the front pew.  Earlier, he had sent a message to Father Flaherty
to meet him at two o’clock.  It was now 1:45 and David decided to use the time
to pray before the Blessed Sacrament until Father arrived. 

He was on the
verge of tears as he remembered Caroline losing their baby last night. After he
had fallen asleep, he had dreamt that a large group of people were screaming at
him that it was his fault that his child had died.  He woke up in a sweat and
couldn’t fall back to sleep.  Perhaps this
was
his fault.  After all,
they had been engaging in the marriage act frequently.  Sometimes, Caroline was
tired yet she never refused.

He must speak to
Father and maybe go to Confession.  Did God truly forgive him for the previous
life that he had lived?  Or was he now being punished?

“David,” Father
whispered.

David looked up,
relieved.  “Good day, Father.”

“Would you like
to come into the rectory or do you want to talk here?”

Only a handful of
people were in church, mostly toward the back.  “Here would be fine, Father. 
Perhaps I ought to go to Confession.”

“Well, let me
determine whether that shall be necessary.”

“Caroline. .
.well, she had been. . . ”

“Had been what,
David?”

“We didn’t know
for sure, but she was. . .with child.”

“That’s wonderful
news.”

“But she lost the
baby last night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s my fault.”

“Why do you believe
it’s your fault?”

“I insisted that
we . . .well, that we engage in the. . .”

“I don’t know
about that, but it could hardly be your fault if you didn’t know.”

“I should have
known.”

“David, you are
striving hard to be a man of faith.  You do not need to be forgiven for
something you may have unknowingly done.”

“Could it be that
perhaps God has not forgiven me?”

“No.  That’s the
beautiful aspect of Confession.  You have the assurance that God has forgiven
you.”

David wiped his
eyes and sat quietly beside Father Flaherty. “God grieves with you, David, and
so do I.”  He patted David on the back. “I don’t think you need to go to
Confession today, unless there’s something else on your mind.”

David shook his
head, then knelt down to pray.

Chapter 56

Caroline looked
down into the pleading eyes of her daughter two months later in the back yard
area.

“Mama, mama,
please. Wanna go ‘xplorin.’ Jane take me.”

Jane placed her
son down on the ground and watched him scurry off after Kathleen. “I’ll take
Isaac and the two of them can have fun exploring.  You know how much Miss
Kathleen enjoys the wooded area between our property and your uncle’s.”

“I know, but last
time she got poison ivy on her arms.”

“That was last
summer.  It’s still spring.”

All of a sudden,
Caroline felt as if her lunch was going to come back up.

“You don’t look
well, Ma’am.”

“I feel sick to
my stomach.”

“Please, Mama?”