In the After (25 page)

“What do you mean?”

“The Guardians’ main mandate is to get supplies from the outside world. There’s a
lot of stuff left out there, canned goods are just now starting to expire and clothing
and supplies stored in plastics are as good as new. If New Hope needs new computers,
or more solar panels, the Guardians go out and fetch them. It’s dangerous and necessary,
but they act like they’re war heroes every time they come back.”

“I thought they were like the police,” I said. “I thought the Guardians protected
New Hope.”

Rice laughed. “The sonic emitters protect New Hope. The Guardians act as our police
force. . . . We have some rooms we’ve converted to holding cells, but we hardly ever
use them. Mostly everyone here follows the rules. Almost all the adults were Hutsen-Prime
staff. They screened their employees thoroughly, and the children . . .”

“Are indoctrinated.”

He looked at me sharply. “Not exactly the word I would use.”

“So, what happened? Why don’t people want to join the Guardians anymore?”

“There were too many deaths, too many training accidents. That’s why they don’t even
train Guardians until they’re adults. We can’t have our children getting injured in
the hopes they’ll make good Guardians.”

“So how would I actually become a Guardian?” I was tired of him avoiding the question.

“You have to class out and take the tests. If you do well, they train you until you’re
ready for the final test. If you pass that, you’re in.” Rice smiled kindly. “Look,
if you’re serious about becoming a Guardian, why don’t you go talk to Kay? She’s the
one who knows everything.”

I nodded and searched the room for Kay again and saw her slipping out a side door.
I didn’t want to miss my chance. I turned to go but felt Rice’s hand on my shoulder.
“I was serious about not wanting anything to happen to you. Be careful what you’re
asking for.”

I nodded again and smiled grimly. Then I hurried to where Kay had disappeared and
pushed open the door, stepping into the hot, late spring air.

Kay had vanished, but I didn’t want to go back inside just yet. I closed my eyes and
breathed, tuning out the noise of the party, the noise of New Hope. To my left I heard
a sharp inhalation, then a long, satisfied exhale. I peeked around the corner.

“Hello, Kay.”

She looked at me, slightly startled. “Amy.” She took another drag on her cigarette.

“Where did you get those? I didn’t think cigarettes would be allowed,” I said.

She shrugged. “They’re frowned upon, but what isn’t here?”

“Procreation, apparently,” I said.

She smirked. “Enjoying your party?” she asked.

“No, not really.”

“You’ll be happy to know that attendance was mandatory, for those special few invited,
that is.”

“Few? It seems like half of New Hope is packed in there.”

We stood in silence for a moment. “Did you want a cigarette or something?” Kay asked.

I took a deep breath, building up my courage. “Actually, I want to be a Guardian,”
I blurted.

She studied me. “And . . .?”

“I have to learn how to pass the tests. I want you to teach me.”

Kay scowled. “And what does Director Mommy think about this idea?” she asked. She
finished her cigarette and squashed it underfoot. She then picked up the butt and
put it in her pocket.

“She doesn’t know, exactly.”

“Why should I help you?” Kay asked. “You got me in trouble when you pulled your little
stunt on Rice.” There wasn’t even a hint of amusement in her voice. “I wouldn’t have
guessed you girls were packing two guns, although you did seem like trouble.”

“That was unintentional,” I apologized. I still couldn’t read Kay. I didn’t know if
she was considering helping me or just toying with me.

“What about shooting me? I’m pretty sure that was intentional.”

“You were wearing a synth-suit, and you seem fine now.” I’d hoped she’d forgiven me
for that, under the circumstances.

“It still hurts.” She rubbed her side. “I’ll have bruises for weeks. You could have
broken one of my ribs.”

“Well, I thought you were a Florae at the time, if that makes any difference.”

To my surprise, Kay nodded. “The people here, they don’t really get it. They’re safe
and secure. They don’t have to think about what it’s like out in the world now. How
empty it is.”

“Except for the Floraes.”

“Yeah, except for the Floraes.” She began to walk away.

“What are They?” I called after her. “I know the Guardians must know more about Them;
they capture Them to study.”

She paused, turning slightly. “If you want to be a Guardian, maybe you should focus
on that for now,” she told me, walking away again.

“So . . . you’ll train me?” I jogged to her side and walked with her.

“Yes, but you have to do things my way.”

“All right.”

“And you can’t miss any school, so your mother doesn’t catch on.”

“Okay.”

“And you’re not allowed to complain,” Kay continued.

“Not at all?” I grinned. Kay was a hard-ass, but I could tell she had a sense of humor.

“Never.” She smiled slyly. “Well, I suppose if you break a bone you can complain a
little bit.”

“Does that happen often?” We were nearly back to the party.

“Yes,” she told me bluntly. “Synth-suits can save you from teeth and claws, but not
brute force. We train Guardians to deal with everything, all types of attacks. Some
don’t make it.”

“Don’t make it, as in are injured, or don’t make it as in . . .” I trailed off when
Kay gave me a meaningful look.

“What time does the director leave in the morning?” Kay asked before we rejoined the
party.

“Usually by five.”

“Perfect, you can get in a morning run and be at the Rumble Room by six. It’s the
big building across from the Orientation Office.”

“Black door?” I asked. “Restricted area?”

She nodded. “I’ll wait for you outside.”

“I’ll be there,” I said. She opened the door, and I added, “Thank you.”

She paused and turned to me. “Don’t thank me, kiddo. We need more Guardians. Each
year we get fewer and fewer applicants. We’ve lost four this year and we have one
new recruit: you.” She shook her head.

“I won’t give up,” I said.

She looked me up and down one last time. “We’ll see about that, sunshine,” she added
mockingly before heading inside.

I stood alone outside, wondering if I would ever feel at home in New Hope. Kay’s sarcastic
voice echoed through my head: “We’ll see . . .” I went back to the party, determined
to prove myself to Kay, to my mother, and to New Hope.

• • •

“Take this, sunshine,” a female voice whispers
.

“What is it?” I ask the nurse. I look at her closely. She’s not my usual nurse, and
I always get medication in my room, not in the hall
.

“Just take it.” She pushes it into my hand. She’s strong for someone so petite. “Rice
said he’d tell you I was coming.”

My mind races. I take a step back, startled. My mouth hangs open in amazement. Kay
.

“You’ve come for me?” My heart is pounding. She’s going to help me escape. Relief
floods over me. I won’t have to suffer anymore. I won’t have to live in constant fear
of my impending electroshock therapy
.

Kay stares at me. “I’m sorry, kiddo, no. I just came to give you the pill.”

“But you’re supposed to help me.” I open my mouth to say more, but she shakes her
head, silencing me
.

“I set it up so there’s a blind spot in the cameras but we only have a few minutes.”
She glances down at her watch
.

“When are you getting me out of here?” I ask, pleading
.

“For now, take the pill.” Her voice is stern
.

I nod and put the pill in my mouth, swallowing it with a dry cough
.

“Good girl.” Kay leans in. “I’ll get you more later. This was all I could manage for
now. We need you clear if we’re going to . . .” A nurse walks down the hall, past
us, and Kay pretends to consult a chart
.

“When?” I ask again, frustration in my voice
.

“Just be ready,” she tells me, looking over her shoulder
.

I don’t want her to go, not without me. All the exhilaration I felt moments earlier
has turned to panic. “Please, take me with you now,” I beg
.

“It’s too risky,” she tells me sadly. “We’ll come back for you.”

I nod unhappily
.

“Keep safe,” she says before walking down the hall, her head bent low, and disappearing
around the corner
.

I stare after her with mixed emotions. “
We’ll come back for you,”
she’d said. I can’t leave just yet, but it’s finally begun
.

My mother comes to visit me today and she brings Adam. I’m happy to see them both.
Adam shows me his new toy, a hand-me-down plastic dinosaur he scored from a Class
Three boy who’d outgrown it. I play with Adam on the floor of my room while my mother
sits on the bed, watching us
.

I know the pill that Kay gave me has worked. I’m still a little groggy, but I’m much
clearer than I’ve been in a long time. I turn to my mother and ask, “How long have
I been here?”

“It’s been almost half a year since you’ve come to New Hope.” She smiles at me encouragingly.
“And I’m grateful for every moment.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I mean here, in the Ward.”

She reaches out and fixes a stray hair that has settled on my forehead. “Your hair
is getting a lot longer, maybe I can find out about getting you a haircut?” When I
don’t reply, she sighs loudly. “You’ve only been in the Ward a little over a month,
honey.”

So I’ve lost an entire month. What has been going on in New Hope without me? “Why
am I in here?” I blurt
.

“You’re here to get the help you need.” She doesn’t even think before she speaks
.

“I know . . . but why specifically? Help for what?” I push
.

She studies me. “I . . .” She pauses, then says, “Dr. Reynolds believes you need to
be monitored. You were acting erratically.”

“Erratically? What did I do?” I wish all my memories would come back. I wish Kay could
have given me more pills. If I could only have a few days without any medication,
without the constant confusion. What did I do that was so bad they put me in here
and drugged me into a zombie?

“Amy . . . let me talk to Dr. Reynolds about this.” My mother kneels down on the floor
next to us
.

“No. I’d really prefer it if you didn’t,” I tell her, trying to meet her gaze, but
she looks away
.

“I just want you to get well.”

I’m not reassured at all. “But what if I’m not getting better?” I ask
.

“Don’t say that.”

I play with Adam for a few more minutes, then my mother has to leave. She promises
to come back soon and kisses me on the head. Adam waves good-bye with his chubby hands
and gives me a wide smile
.

After a few seconds, I hear my mother speaking to Dr. Thorpe in the hall, about the
questions I’ve asked and about my course of treatment. Dr. Thorpe’s voice is strained
as she explains I am relapsing. I hear my mother begin to sniffle. She must be crying
.

When Dr. Thorpe comes in, she takes my vitals and writes in my chart
.

“How are you feeling?” she asks
.

“I feel . . .” I don’t know what she’s looking for. “I feel fine.” I say at last
.

“And the memory loss?”

“Things are coming back to me slowly.”

“Do you remember coming to the Ward?”

“Not yet,” I admit, uncertain
.

“I’m very concerned,” she tells me. “The meds that Dr. Reynolds has prescribed seem
to be having an adverse effect. Your condition is deteriorating. I’ve decided, under
Dr. Samuel’s recommendation and with the urging of Dr. Reynolds, to begin your electroshock
treatments tomorrow.”

She sees the horror on my face and continues hastily, “It’s not as bad as you might
think. You’ll have an initial worsening of your memory. . . .”

I shake my head. “No.” I can’t return to how I was, not knowing the difference between
dreams and reality
.

“But that will only last for a few days. The therapy could be very beneficial to your
psychosis.”

“Can I refuse treatment?” I ask, already knowing the answer. I begin to shake, fear
and frustration taking over my body. I have no control. I have nothing
.

Dr. Thorpe sighs. “Amy, I’m only trying to help you. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll
send a nurse in to give you a sedative.”

“No, I’m fine.” I try to relax, but my body still trembles. I can’t even control my
own muscles. Dr. Thorpe leaves and a nurse comes in to give me a shot. I try to stay
awake, struggling against the darkness. There is so much I don’t remember but what
little I do, I don’t want to forget
.

• • •

I got up before the alarm and listened for my mother, who always left the house around
five a.m. Two weeks had flown by, between class and training and babysitting. I was
finally getting used to waking up at first light, instead of going to sleep at daybreak.

Going running?
Baby asked when I got out of bed. Even though I tried not to wake her, she still
heard me every morning.

I need to practice
, I signed into her hand. She hadn’t even bothered to open her eyes.

See you before school
. She turned and fell back asleep. I stared at her for a moment, her blond hair barely
covering the scar on her neck. I reached out and combed her hair with my fingers,
arranging it over the mark, though I wasn’t entirely sure why.

I changed into the T-shirt and shorts that I’d scavenged from my mother’s closet.
I stretched outside the apartment, then jogged in the opposite direction from the
Quad. I preferred to be alone, since I didn’t wear shoes and my “silent” running technique
drew stares. Running around with my mouth wide open made me look like a total weirdo,
but it would be a useful skill if I made Guardian.