In the After (34 page)

I try to keep my mind busy. I watch the doctors, the nurses, the orderlies. I wonder
which of them really think they’re helping us, and which know our treatment is an
act
.

I also study the other patients. There are thirty on my floor. I sit in the common
room and wonder what they each did to be put in here. I change seats to sit next to
Amber. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence
.

“Amber?” When she still doesn’t move, I go on. “I saw you the other day.”

She continues to stare forward. I put my hand on her shoulder, take her head with
my other hand, and turn her toward me. Her eyes are blank, unseeing. The side of her
head is shaved, revealing a long row of stitches. I drop my hands, horrified
.

“Oh, Amber.” I feel like I’m going to be sick. Breathing heavily, I place my cold
hands on my flushed face. I can’t get enough air and feel faint. I begin to hyperventilate,
but make myself slow my breathing, desperately trying to remain calm
.

When I’ve composed myself, I look again at Amber. A glob of drool gathers at the corner
of her mouth, and I use my sleeve to wipe it away. “I’m so sorry that this happened
to you,” I tell her
.

I hated Amber for so long, but now I only pity her. She was just trying to survive.
No one should suffer this. No one deserves to be forced into oblivion
.

• • •

“Did you know?” I asked Kay. I’d waited for her all day to come back from her secret
mission, which was most likely making sure there were no more gangs in the surrounding
area, ready to pounce on New Hope. I finally caught her in the locker room.

“Hello to you, too.” Her voice lacked its normal bite and when she looked at my face,
she dropped the sarcastic tone altogether. “I didn’t know what they were going to
do with them, no.”

“It’s barbaric,” I spit.

“It’s necessary.” Kay looked around the Rumble Room, lowering her voice. “I thought
we should detain them, put them in the Ward to recondition them, commission a couple
of guards, but I’m not the big boss. The director and Reynolds make the final decisions.”

I hated how everyone rationalized the massacre. Even Kay. I needed to be alone. Away
from the propaganda and the blind loyalty. I ran out to the edges of New Hope, wandering
restlessly. I stayed out well after sunset, reveling in the darkness, comforted by
the quiet. When I got home, I went straight to my room and shut the door. Baby was
already in bed so I curled up next to her.

“Amy?” I heard my mother calling from the other room, but I ignored her. “Amy,” she
said again from the doorway. “I . . . we have to talk.”

I turned on my side to glare, but when I saw her worried expression, I sat up. She
motioned me to come into the living room, where she sat on the couch. I settled in
as far away from her as possible. I stared at the floor.

“Amy, look at me. Dr. Reynolds expressed some concerns to me. . . .”

“What? What concerns?” I asked snippily.

“That you don’t respect authority,” she told me unhappily. “That you like to pry into
things that don’t concern you. That you may not have New Hope’s best interests in
mind.”

My head snapped up. “Dr. Reynolds wants to send me to the Ward?” I asked, horrified.

My mother pressed her lips together and nodded. “But he won’t just yet, as a favor
to me. Because my research is so important, he doesn’t want me distressed in any way.”

“So the only reason I’m not in the Ward is because of
you
?” I let that sink in. “What about Baby?”

“Baby is fine,” she assured me. “She’s fitting in with all the other children, learning
to read and write, to communicate. We’re confident her vocal skills will come eventually.
I thought it would be best for both of you if we began to sever your connection to
her.”

“What? No! That’s crazy.” I wanted to jump up but I had nowhere to run to. Instead
I folded my arms across my chest and tried to stay calm. I knew that I couldn’t afford
to freak out again. “Is that why you want her in the dorm?” I asked, my voice trembling.
“Do you think that’s really necessary?”

“I don’t know, Amy. I just want you to be safe.” She reached for my hand. “Becoming
a Guardian will be a good start. You can prove yourself. Until then, you have to try
harder.”

“I will, I promise,” I told her, all my fight gone. I held on to her, still in shock
about how close I was to losing Baby. “Mom . . . I have to know.”

“I can’t tell you about my research.” She squeezed my hand.

“No, it’s not that. I want to know if you’re really on board with all of this.”

She let go of my hand and gave me a hard look. “I did what had to be done. Before
you got here, Amy, New Hope was my whole life. Even Adam was a result of a regulation
I
helped establish. We have to protect New Hope. It’s the only possible future of humanity.
Otherwise, we should just let the Floraes in. It’s not only about us. It’s about the
generations that will follow. It’s about our future.”

I looked into her shining eyes with a sad understanding. I knew now that Kay was absolutely
right. My mother could never learn about Baby’s incredible hearing. Finding me in
a restricted area wasn’t harmful to New Hope, so she hid it. My becoming a Guardian
will not only show that I can fit in, but will help protect New Hope. Everything she
did, she weighed with the benefit of New Hope in mind. If she thought they could use
Baby, study her, dissect her to find out how she ticked, she would do it willingly.

“I love you so much, honey. It’s hard, I know, but we will make it . . . and so will
this community.” She hugged me tightly and kissed me on the top of my head.

I closed my eyes and wondered which my mother would choose if it came down to it:
me or New Hope?

I see Dr. Samuels in the hall, but I try not to make eye contact. I want him to think
I don’t know who he is, that I’m sufficiently drugged. He comes to me, though, looks
me up and down
.

“Amy, I want to apologize.” He clears his throat. “I was wrong to recommend your electroshock
treatment. There’s a reason it’s only used to treat extremely severe cases of depression.
I should have considered your circumstances more carefully. I shouldn’t have let Dr.
Reynolds influence my professional opinion.”

The pain, the torment I endured, comes flooding back and it takes everything I have
not to lash out at him
.

“I’ve begun to think . . . ,” he continues in a whisper, “that Dr. Reynolds may not
have your best interest in mind.” I can’t help but flinch when he puts his hand on
my shoulder
.

“Don’t touch me,” I say between clenched teeth. Dr. Samuels stares at me. He sees
the hate in my eyes and begins to back away
.

“I was only trying to help,” he tells me guiltily
.

“If you want to help me, get Rice.” I glance at the cameras in the hallway. “I miss
him. I wish he could visit more often,” I say loudly
.

“Yes, of course.” Dr. Samuels studies me, and I can tell he sees beyond my drugged
act. Still, his remorse seems to outweigh his loyalty to Dr. Reynolds and he says,
“I’ll let Rice know you’ve been asking for him. Or perhaps, one of the Guardians?”

My head snaps up. “Kay or Gareth,” I whisper. “Not Marcus,” I breathe, hoping the
camera microphones won’t pick up what I just said
.

He leaves me, with a curt nod. I continue down the hall, careful to shuffle my feet
and keep my head low
.

• • •

The Guardian test was on my birthday. I’d thought of nothing else since my mother
and I had our talk three weeks ago.

I looked in the mirror. I was seventeen, an adult according to New Hope, but I still
felt like a child. Baby had already moved into the dorm and I’d soon have a one-bedroom,
picked out in a building near the Rumble Room, where the Guardians lived.

I stretched and put on my running clothes. My mother had left me a note on the kitchen
counter:
Happy Birthday, Amy, and good luck. You can do it! See you tonight at your party.
Love you
. I slipped on my shoes and headed out the door, stopping by the dorm. I stood under
Baby’s window and whispered her name as low as I could. In just a few seconds, she
stuck her head out the window, waving at me excitedly.

Happy Birthday, Amy!
she signed.
Test today?

Yes. I’ll see you afterward for my party
.

Good luck!
She turned back to her roommates, her new friends. She had no idea how important
the test really was, but it was probably better that way.

I noticed a lot of people on the way to the Rumble Room, way more than could be coincidence.
Gareth was there, clutching a clipboard and making ticks across the paper.

“What’s up?” I called to him.

He grinned. “Biggest testing day ever,” he told me.

“How many applicants?” I asked, trying to get a glimpse of the list.

“Two hundred and nineteen. I get to check everyone in and record times for the distance
run. Joy,” he said sarcastically.

“How many do you think will make it?” I asked.

“Hell, I’ll settle for ten trainees and one spanking-new Guardian.” He winked at me
and I hoped his trust wasn’t misplaced. “Go on. Line up with the fresh meat.”

It wasn’t long before Kay got on a loudspeaker. “Okay, everyone, we’re going to put
you into groups now. If you fail a trial, you’re cut. If you stray from the group,
you’re cut. If you whine or complain, you’re cut. Group one,” she hollered. “All adults
between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one, you’re with Jenny.” Jenny was waving
her arms, indicating who she was.

“Okay, guys,” Jenny told us when everyone was gathered around. “We’re going to do
a five-mile run now. I’ll set the pace, but you can go ahead if you want, the path
is marked. Anyone who can’t at least match my pace will be cut.”

I smiled and kicked off my shoes. I started off with the group, but soon pulled ahead.
We followed the markers, bits of orange plastic tied along the trees and in bushes.
I began to outpace everyone but a tall guy with annoyingly long legs. Little by little
I inched ahead, pushing myself harder than I had ever before. My legs started to hurt
and my chest ached with each breath.

When I saw the finish line, Gareth standing with clipboard in hand, I forgot all the
pain in my muscles and chest and ran like I was being chased by a Florae. I finished
first, barely, the tall man right on my heels. Gareth recorded our times on his clipboard.
I wanted to collapse on the floor, but instead I kept walking so my legs wouldn’t
cramp.

“Save something for the other tests, guys,” Gareth chastised, but I knew he was proud
I’d won.

When I’d recovered, I searched for Kay. She was busy speaking with some of the other
Guardians, but when she saw me she raised her eyebrows. I held up my index finger
to indicate I was first, and she smirked, pleased. I was no longer Amy. I was a reflection
on the director and the Guardians. And I knew that would be my ticket to freedom.

• • •

The next day I spot Frank’s dark curly hair from across the hall. I haven’t seen him
for a while, not since his last outburst. I follow him to his door
.

“Hi.” I glance up at the camera. “I’m Amy; we’ve met,” I tell him, wondering how I
can ask him about the Floraes without giving myself away
.

“Oh, hi. Would you like to see what I’ve been working on?” he asks me with a grin
.

I’m surprised by his mild manner. It’s almost as if we’re in Advanced Theory and I’m
looking at his idea. I step into his room and stare at his wall. He’s managed to draw
all over it. At first it looks like scribbles but there is a method to the madness.
Diagrams and numbers. Chemical structures
.

“They let you do this?” I ask
.

“It gets painted over sometimes, but Dr. Thorpe thinks it’s therapeutic.”

I step closer. “What does it mean?”

“This”—he points at an equation—“is the basic structure of a Florae cell.”

I study the numbers. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand,” I tell him. “What does it mean?”

“It means . . .” He grins. “That the human race is doomed.” He starts to laugh hysterically.
“Don’t you see it? It’s us. We’re the problem. Not them!”

His sudden change in behavior scares me, and I back out of the room before the orderlies
arrive
.

Frank’s outburst has triggered a memory, though. It is almost clear. . . . I think
back to the day of my Guardian test, trying desperately to remember
.

• • •

After the first trial, only twenty-five people in our group remained. Our next two
tests were marksmanship and hand-to-hand combat. I did fine in both, but quite a few
more people were cut, including a girl who almost shot herself in the face while peering
into the barrel of her gun.

Next, Jenny led us outside to a rope ladder that snaked up a tree trunk and was strung
between two trees like a bridge, with bells tied in various locations. Jenny explained
the stealth trial, telling us we had to cross the bridge. If you rang a bell, you
were out.

Applicant after applicant failed. Finally Jenny yelled my name.

“Harris.” She looked at me, with a nod, and said, “Show them how it’s done.”

I walked to the ladder, shaking out my hands and feet, still barefoot from the run
earlier. I took a deep breath and reached for the rope, clearing my head of all doubts.

I made my way carefully up the ladder, mindful of keeping my weight evenly distributed.
My heart was beating so hard, I didn’t notice anything beyond the task. I scurried
across the bridge, cautious not to disturb the rope and ring a bell. At the end, I
lowered myself using just my hands. My feet touched the dirt and I spun around to
face the people who were left.