In the Air (15 page)

I returned to the campus, eager to see Natalia and get everything out into the open. I didn't know which room she lived in, so I dialed her number.

"Samson, hi. I just texted you back." Her tone was clipped.

"What room number are you in?"

"Excuse me? Why do you need that?"

"I need to see you. What's your room number?" I repeated.

"Can we just meet later? I mean–"

"Please, Natalia."

She sighed into the phone. "2725. If you give me just–"

I quickly hung up my phone, hoping she'd realize I was already on my way.

When Natalia opened her door, wariness showed on her face.

"What couldn't wait until tonight?"

"We need to talk." I realized I'd said the same thing to Aubrey earlier, and both times, I felt sick.

After a few seconds of deliberating, Natalia finally let me in. I looked around her room, slightly amused by the bare walls on both sides. They'd been here almost a week, and still no decorations up. Kingsley wasn't around and Natalia looked like she had been sleeping. She was wearing grey yoga pants and a black tank top. Her golden hair was piled on top of her head and her face was bare. She exuded so much innocence and her body was like a magnet to mine. Before I arrived in this room, before I looked into Natalia's eyes, I was conflicted with the choice I had made. Seeing her, being this close to her, was all the confirmation I needed.

"I couldn't wait to see you. Last night, you didn't give me a chance to explain."

I stepped closer to Natalia. She was standing next to her desk, studying my face. Her eyes were slightly squinted, while her lips pursed together.

"Quit stalling and explain."

I took a deep breath, calming myself, and began. "Since I came to Juilliard, things between Aubrey and I have taken a turn for the worse. I always thought that if I strayed from her, it would break me, but I'm standing here before you and I'm not broken. I actually feel whole for the first time in what seems like forever. I know I should be upset that I just ended things with my girlfriend, and I am, but in a lot of ways," my feet stepped closer to Natalia, "I feel like it was the best decision I've ever made because as I look at your face, it seems like everything will be okay." My voice cracked.

Natalia closed the distance between us and softly brushed the short stubble along my jaw line. She pulled me down and placed both of her arms around my neck, bringing our bodies together in a hug. Without saying a word, I knew everything would be okay

"Samson," she whispered, "I don't know what to do."

I looked into her eyes. "I don't either. I didn't expect to have feelings for you, but I do. I can't help that."

"You just broke up with your girlfriend. You can't just come in here and tell me that you have feelings for me." Her voice rose, the anger seeping out.

"Do you want me to lie and say I don't? I can't deny how you make me feel. I know I'm an asshole. Yes, I just broke up with my girlfriend, but my relationship with Aubrey was going to end eventually."

She backed away from me. "You and Aubrey have been together for so long. How were you so sure it was going to end?" The disbelief showed on her face.

"When it stopped being a relationship and became forced. I knew we couldn't go back. The love wasn't there anymore."

Natalia leaned against her desk. I wanted to wrap my arms around her waist and kiss the sweet spot behind her ear. Her body called to me. I wished we could dance together every minute of the day just so I had an excuse to touch her.

"I refuse to be your rebound." Natalia turned and walked to the window, peering out at the traffic-filled street.

I stood directly behind her. The sunlight created a soft glow against her pale skin. Her intoxicating fragrance invaded my senses. I wanted her.

"You could never be anyone's rebound. I have a feeling people have a hard time leaving you."

She turned with my last sentence, a small smile on her lips. "I need some time to think about this–"

I cut her off, knowing what the next words would be. "Just hear me out. Those hours in the cafe, sitting across from you, made me aware of how much I've been missing in my life."

My declaration made her face appear flustered. "Maybe you just need right now. Maybe–"

"I have enough friends." I pulled her against my chest, feeling her heart beat wildly. I kissed her and hoped it could convey what my words couldn't.

"
You can't just waltz into my room, say those kinds of things, and expect me to jump all over you!" I yelled at Samson, feeling the veins in my neck began to protrude. I pushed him away, even though every ounce of my being wanted him near. The intensity between us was unmistakable, but having him go from wanting me as a friend one minute, to having feelings for me the next, left me feeling dizzy.

"What can I say to make you understand?" Samson ran his fingers through his hair, and for the first time I noticed that it wasn't in its typical perfect state, but messy. "Natalia, I'm sick of holding myself back. Hiding who I really am just so I can make everyone else happy. It feels right when I'm near you; it feels like everything falls into place."

His hands caressed my cheeks. I gently pulled them away, but held them in my own.

"Samson, my entire life has been a struggle. For me, dance wasn't a secret, but the only option I was ever given. I'm also sick of restraining myself."

He looked at the floor, nodding. "It's so crazy how different our backgrounds are, and yet, they're so similar," Samson said, as his thumb began circling the outside of mine.

"I want to believe everything you're telling me, but it's hard to do when I feel like up until this point, you've only played games with me. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"This is how I feel, Natalia. You can accept it and tell me you feel the same way." Samson's arms encircled my waist.

"Just stop! Don't assume that I have feelings for you. It would be a surprise to know that someone in this world doesn't want you, wouldn't it?" I pushed him away. I hated that Samson assumed I wanted him.
He's right, though. He's all I've wanted since he tapped my shoulder.

"I know all about you, Natalia. You're so scared of letting your feelings escape you. The only time I've seen you vulnerable is when you dance." Samson wrapped his muscular arms around my waist, holding me tight against his chest. "Do you have feelings for me, Natalia? If you say you don't, then fine. I'll accept your lie and we'll remain friends."

I felt my blood boil, knowing that my cheeks were already bright pink. "You expect me to just stand here and spill my feelings all over this tacky, carpeted floor? I'm not going to do that." I swallowed the tears that began to rise in my throat.

Samson looked down at me, his face wiped of all emotion. He shook his head and broke the embrace.

"You're not the girl I thought you were." He turned to walk out the door, but stopped for what felt like forever. "No. This is bullshit." He turned back around and marched to the spot directly in front of me. "You
are
that girl. You can deny it all you want, but the moment I saw you, I knew you'd be the girl that would make me happy."

Before I had a chance to turn away, Samson pushed his lips against mine. Every word that was stuck in my throat dissolved, leaving my mind whirling. I wasn't finished being angry at him. I wanted to yell and throw things, but as soon as he kissed me, my entire body went slack. He made me forget we were fighting.

"How do you do that?" I asked, out of breath.

"Do what? This?" Samson bent forward and kissed me again, more forceful this time. "Are you done yelling at me or do I need to kiss you some more?"

I opened my eyes to peek up at Samson and saw the sincere look on his face.

"Yes, I have feelings for you, but it scares the shit out of me. When you kissed me the first night, it was like all of the coldness I felt toward you evaporated, but the second you left, it refroze into a glacier. How am I supposed to believe what you're saying when you pull me in only to push me away?"

Samson contemplated my question. Before he spoke, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. "Do you remember in the cafe, when I was telling you about my father and how completely screwed up his way of thinking is? How he's never been happy with me?"

"I remember." My voice was low. My throat felt raw.

"Being surrounded by that every day of my life, that's the reason I am the way I am. There weren't many people in my life that knew the real me, and I never cared that much until I met you. I want to show you exactly who I am. Just let me do that."

I reached my hand up to cradle his face. "I can try doing the same."

When Samson's lips touched mine this time, I could have sworn I was sinking into the ground. After what felt like hours, I pulled away. Samson opened his eyes, a look of concern on his face.

"I don't want to take things too quickly. You
just
ended things with your girlfriend."

I stepped away. His smile almost made me forget I'd just told him I wanted to take things slowly. I had gotten my heart shattered once, and I never wanted to feel that way again. I had to walk into this with both eyes open, slowly dip my toes in. If all remained steady, then I'd submerge my whole self.

Samson's phone vibrated. After looking to see who it was, he looked back at me with an irritated look on his face. "I should take this. I'll be right back." He turned and answered the call as he walked out of the room.

I knew it was his girlfriend, Aubrey. Or, ex-girlfriend. I felt a sudden pang of jealousy in my stomach, like I'd just been punched by Mike Tyson. I should have felt guilty. Here was Samson, kissing me and telling me he liked me, on the same day that he broke up with his childhood sweetheart. I must have lost my mind. It was irrational to jump to conclusions, but I couldn't stop thinking that he would take back everything he said and run back to Aubrey. I stood in the center of my room, thanking God that Kingsley wasn't here to witness the show. She would say something like, "I told you Samson was an asshole."

After ten minutes, I wondered if Samson was even outside my room anymore. I placed my ear to the door but it was no use, I couldn't hear anything but the students exiting their rooms and chatter filling the hallway. This is what it had come to. I had developed feelings for a guy who stood on the opposite side of my door talking to his ex-girlfriend.

"
Hello?" I softly closed Natalia's door. I knew I probably shouldn't have answered, but the way things had ended on the street corner with Aubrey felt wrong.

All I heard on the other side of the call was sniffling. It made me feel like a complete asshole.

"Aubs?"

"What did we do, Samson? I never thought we'd break up." Aubrey continued weeping into the phone, her words muffled.

"I know it's upsetting, but–"

"You're not even upset!" Aubrey accused.

"I am, but I think this is the best thing for us. We need to allow ourselves to be happy. Aubrey, we stopped being happy a long time ago."

Natalia was on the other side of the door and I was eager to get off the phone. I felt like I was being torn in two. I didn't want Natalia waiting for me, knowing exactly who I was talking to, but I also didn't want Aubrey destroyed.