In the Air (24 page)

Each step I took closer to the hotel, I dreaded more than the last. With every crack I stepped on, I wished the pavement would somehow break apart, and swallow me up. I walked through the tall glass doors and stepped onto the dark hardwood floors. The colorful lobby always caught my eye, from the multi-colored couches, to the kaleidoscope of lighting fixtures hanging from the ceiling. The hotel smelled luxurious, and it was. It was her favorite place to stay when she was in New York.

I rode the elevator up to the eleventh floor and followed the curve of the long hallway until I came to room 1177. I stood there for a moment, my mind distracted with the events of the day. I took a long, deep breath and knocked on the door. After a minute, the door opened. Aubrey stood in front of me, her eyes filled with more emotion than I'd seen in months. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck tightly.

"I'm so sorry," she quietly whispered into my ear. "Come in." Aubrey took my hand and led me into the spacious drawing room of the suite. The maroon walls surrounded me, my feet stepping onto the lush light blue carpet. The huge window attracted my attention. Seeing the view of the city never got old, and I watched as the cars swarmed through the streets. I continued staring out the window, not knowing what to say to Aubrey. I wasn't sure why I came here.

Natalia's rejection made me feel like everything that had happened to us in the last few days was meaningless. I didn't want to believe that what had happened between us meant nothing to her.

"Samson?" Aubrey stood behind me, quietly calling my name. "Please look at me."

It took me longer than it should have to turn around. Not because I didn't want to face her, but because I didn't know what I would say once I did.

I came here for selfish reasons. I was angry with Natalia. Since Aubrey was still in the city, it seemed like an easy way to relieve some of the bitterness I felt. Aubrey would think it was because I wanted her back.
Did I?
I knew I didn't love her anymore, but she still had a place in my heart. That wasn't going to disappear overnight. The feelings had dulled, but they were still there, buried under the rubble that resembled our relationship. I turned my brain off. That was the only way I would be able to stay in this room.

"Come here." I pulled Aubrey into my arms. Her familiar scent made my body ache with want.

"I've missed being in these arms," she said as her face nuzzled the inside of my neck. "I've missed you."

I peered down into her light brown eyes. I didn't know how to respond. I couldn't stop thinking about Natalia. Her delicate face, her laugh, her soft skin ... but she didn't want me. So I was here, where I guess I was meant to be all along.

"I've missed it, too," I said half-heartedly.

"Samson?"

I kissed Aubrey's forehead, lightly pressing my lips on the spot just below her hairline. "Yes?" I answered.

"Do you still love me?"

I had a feeling she would ask me that question. It's the same question that I kept asking myself.
Do I still love Aubrey? Will I always love her?
She was my first love, the only girl I ever loved ... until Natalia. I lifted Aubrey's face and lowered my lips to hers. If there was one way to avoid answering the question, it was to kiss her.

The kiss felt different, and I wasn't sure if it was because I'd been kissing Natalia, or because my feelings for Aubrey had dwindled. Our kiss deepened, Aubrey's body pressing harder against mine. The pressure felt nice. It made me feel less lonely. Just as I started getting more and more into the kiss and thoughts of Natalia were pushed to the back of my mind, my phone vibrated, causing me to lose focus. Aubrey kissed my neck, as I reached for my phone in my pocket. I slowly peeled away from her, looking down at the screen. It was Natalia. My heart dropped. The look of shock on my face alerted Aubrey.

"Who's calling you?"

I had two choices. I could either answer Aubrey's question or my phone. As I answered the call, I hastily walked out of the hotel room, closing the door behind me.

"Hi," Natalia yelled into the phone.

"Natalia, are you okay?" In the background, I heard police sirens and car horns beeping.

"I just wanted to call and ask you if you liked The Beatles? Who am I kidding? Everyone loves them." Her words were slurred, indicating she was drunk.

"Where are you, Natalia?" I felt my blood began to boil.

"Don't worry about where I am. Where are
you
?"

"Do you need me to come and get you?" I had a feeling she was playing games with my head, but I still needed to make sure she was safe.

"Are you a white knight turned ballet dancer?" she asked, while laughing loudly into the phone.

"Tell me where you are. I'm coming to get you," I ordered, my anger intensified the longer the conversation went on.

"Just tell me one thing first. Are you falling for me?"

Aubrey opened the door behind me, peeking her head out and questioning me with her eyes. I looked up at her and smiled, holding up a finger to inform her I would be a minute. She gave me a skeptical look, but shut the door.

"Natalia, if I answer this question, promise me you'll tell me where you are, so I can come and get you."

"I don't want to see you, Samson."

Her words hurt. How could she so suddenly not want to see me? Did she really not want this? I didn't want her out wherever she was, drunk. I didn't want her to end up meeting some random guy at a bar and taking things too far with him.

"Fine. I'll call you a cab to come and get you." I hoped she'd accept my offer.

"Fine, but answer my question first."

"I fell for you the moment I saw you standing in front of Juilliard in your polka dot shirt and combat boots. You looked so lost. I knew you weren't a part of the group I was looking for, it just gave me an excuse to not look like I was coming onto you. When I looked into your eyes that very first time, I knew what I had been missing out on my entire life. I'm not falling for you, Natalia, I've already fallen." I wanted to hear her say that she made a mistake. She wanted to be back in my bed, laying next to me, wrapped in my arms. But the words never came.

"I need to go."

"Does what I just said not matter to you?" Natalia didn't want me. She never did. I shouldn't have given her the satisfaction of answering her question.

"I can't. It's done, Samson. We're done." I held the phone to my ear, hoping the silence was just her pausing to find more words to say. It was useless. She'd already hung up.

I was almost glad Natalia called. It was what I needed to hear in order to stay where I was. I may not be in love with Aubrey anymore, but maybe there was a way of going back.

I walked back into the hotel room. Aubrey sat on the couch, a magazine in her lap. She flipped through each ad as if it was on fire, and rapidly turning the pages was the only way of extinguishing it. I was certain she knew who had called me.

"It was rude of me to answer that, but I had to." I walked behind the couch, leaning over Aubrey's body, peering at the magazine on her lap. She was looking at Cosmopolitan, her favorite. I rolled my eyes at the article on the page. "How To Give Men Extreme Pleasure While Pleasing Yourself." Aubrey threw the magazine onto the table and turned to look at me.

"Does she know you're here, Samson? Does she know you have a girlfriend?"

"Aubs," I pressed my hand to her cheek, "we broke up, remember?"

"You came here to see me, which tells me you want to get back together. Am I wrong?"
Yes. No. I don't know.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. I had to learn how to fall back in love with Aubrey. "Am I what you want, Aubrey?"

"Yes," she answered immediately, without hesitation.

"Okay." My decision was made. Aubrey wanted me, and Natalia didn't. All I wanted was Natalia but that didn't matter. I sat down on the couch, pulling Aubrey into my lap. She straddled me, pressing her lips to my neck. I closed my eyes, trying my hardest to block away every thought of Natalia.

"I love you," Aubrey whispered into my ear. "I love you," she repeated again, over and over. Her words were filled with so much passion. I roughly grabbed her face, still not being able to say the words I knew she wanted to hear, and pressed my lips to hers. I forced my tongue into her mouth, needing the stimulation to clear my racking thoughts.

The last time we made out like this was last year, after we had a huge argument over a game of Monopoly. Aubrey swore that if I landed on Park Place and Boardwalk that she would quit. When I did, she threw her metal car figure at my face and called me an asshole. Before she had the chance of storming off to her bedroom, I grabbed her, forcing her to kiss me. We made out on her basement floor, the Monopoly board underneath us. I may have over-counted my move just so I could land on Boardwalk, but Aubrey never needed to know that.

"Wanna play Monopoly?" I asked, biting down on her neck playfully.

"Samson!" she screeched, pushing my body away. "I'll never play that game with you again."

"You're such a sore loser."

Aubrey wasn't able to push me away for long, and soon enough I was nipping at sensitive spots on her neck.

"You're just a cheater!"

The word
cheater
reverberated through my mind. I knew Aubrey didn't mean it in that context, but I couldn't help thinking about the first night I kissed Natalia. I was still with Aubrey and I kissed another girl.
Shit, I was a cheater.

"Hey," Aubrey gazed into my eyes, "did I say something wrong?"

I shook my head in response, smiling so she'd know all was okay.

"I'm really happy your dad convinced me to come back to the city." Her face turned pale as soon as the words left her mouth.

"You spoke to my father?" I instantly sat up.

"No, I meant I spoke to your mom. Your father picked up the phone for a second," she stammered, her eyes quickly opening and closing. "He was just saying I should visit the city. How it would make me feel better. That's all I meant."

"You're lying." Anytime Aubrey lied, she blinked excessively.

"I'm not." She continued to blink rapidly, validating my suspicions.

I moved to the opposite end of the couch.

Aubrey leaned on her elbows, peering at me. "That's all it was, Samson. Come back over here." She pressed my side with her foot, trying to find my ticklish spot.

"That's not going to work. Tell me the truth, Aubrey," I demanded.

She shut her eyes, taking a deep breath before speaking. "The truth? Why don't you tell me the truth?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you sleep with Natalia before we broke up?"

The question caused me to jump from the couch. "You know I would never do that!" I glared down at her. "Changing the subject doesn't help you, Aubrey. What did you and my dad talk about?"

She looked down at her lap, studying the creases in her pleated skirt. "Your dad called me yesterday morning," she murmured. "He told me that you made a childish decision in ending things between us and I was to come here and talk to the girl who had ruined everything. Make her realize what she'd messed up," Aubrey said in a rage.

"You what?" I exclaimed. Fury filled my body.

"I spoke to Natalia." She paused before looking up to meet my glare. "We met earlier." I began pacing the room. I wanted to scream at Aubrey. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.
This is why Natalia ended things.
She did want me, but felt guilty for it.

"Fuck, Aubrey! What the fuck did you do?" I screamed. I'd never been violent to any woman, I never would, but my anger was seeping out of me like a rabid animal. "What the fuck did you do?" I repeated. She began to wipe her eyes as the tears fell down her pale cheeks.

"I did it for us, Samson. For us!" she yelled back.

"You did this for you! Why the fuck did you interfere?" I paced the room, kicking furniture that was in my way. Aubrey stood up and walked toward me. I swung around to meet her stare.

"I did it for us," she said quietly. Her voice was hoarse.

"You don't give a shit if I'm happy, as long as you get what you want. That's how it's always been. Screw you and what you want. You'll never have me again, do you understand?" My voice was low, my throat raw.