In This Life (26 page)

“WOW. THIS PLACE.”
She took a deep breath as she admired the one bedroom villa we had just checked into. The bellman had deposited our bags by the front door and had since left us alone. Check in time was three in the afternoon, but it was almost sunset by the time we arrived in our room. She took my hand excitedly as we toured the place together. “Look!” she exclaimed as she pointed to the splendid view of the Andaman Sea directly below us. We stood in the master bedroom surrounded by glass doors that led directly to an infinity pool overlooking a lush and abundant forest. “Where’s the bath—” She spread open two slatted wooden doors to reveal a teak bathroom with two sinks made out of stone and a large Jacuzzi in the center. “Ah, here it is.”

“Come look at this,” I called out to her.

She followed my path through a side door and out onto a wooden deck connecting the master bedroom to the living area.

“An outdoor shower,” she said as she entered the second set of doors and walked over to the L-shaped sofa. “I can just sit and watch the view from here.”

“If there’s anyone going to be doing any watching, I think it’s going to be me.”

She moved close to where I sat and settled herself on my lap. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her. We kissed for several minutes, lightly at first, until I was overcome with the need to claim her mouth as mine. Once I took all that I could from her, I moved my lips down towards her neck, intent on repeating the same process of exacting her for my own.

“Gray, wait,” she said as she placed the palm of her hand against my chest in an attempt to push me away. “I’m so sorry, something just hit me. I think I’m going to be sick!”

She ran out in a panic then went in the other direction in search of the bathroom. I followed right behind to find her crouched on the floor, her mouth directed at the toilet bowl in front of her.

“Baby, are you okay?” I asked as I poured a bottle of water into a glass and knelt down on the floor beside her. I gently bunched her hair in my hands to hold if off her face. She heaved repeatedly before taking the glass and downing its contents.

“Okay. That’s better. I feel better.”

“Do you think it’s something you ate on the plane?” I asked.

“That or maybe just the turbulence. I think I just need to lie down for a few minutes.”

“Here,” I stood up off the floor and offered her my hand. “Let’s get you to bed. Just relax and don’t worry about anything. I’ll order us some room service and we can just stay in tonight.”

“I’m sorry,” she muttered. “Our first night here and I’m useless.”

“No, you’re never useless. There’s a fight on TV anyway, and the front desk said that I could stream it on pay-per-view. I’ll watch the fight and you take a short nap, okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded as she stood up and began to busy herself by unpacking her suitcase.

Minutes later, she was washed up and dressed in her pajamas, leaning against the headboard of our king-size bed. Seconds later she was fast asleep.

THE COOL AIR
of the morning breeze chased after me as I ran along the beach just as the sun was rising over the horizon. From every point within this resort, whether from sea level or from high above our house on the hill, the joy of living was evident. The sun-streaked clouds, the singing birds, the colorful blooms, and the rushing ocean welcomed me as I walked the path that led me back to our villa. Anna slept through the night, only waking up once to smile at me as I climbed into bed next to her. I, on the other hand, had been ready to start my day at five o’clock this morning.

I took a short break and sat on a wooden bench to catch my breath.

“Uncle Ralph, you there?” I asked nervously as my parents, Katie, and I sat around the table on the patio by the pool. I had called my parents the night after I stayed at Maggie’s apartment and asked to have breakfast with them in the morning. My mother suggested that I invite Uncle Ralph to attend as well, almost as if she knew what I wanted to speak to them about. Unfortunately, the Monsignor was in California at a seminar, but insisted on calling in via teleconference. It was a rather funny arrangement to me, but I knew that I had to get them all together in one place before I left for Thailand.

“Yes, my son, I’m here. This is good timing, actually. It’s seven o’clock here in San Francisco, and we don’t start our session until 9:30 today.”

“Uncle Ralph,” said Katie. “You should see my brother sitting here next to us with a bad case of the Irish flu. His top lip looks bigger than his face.”

“I told you, I tripped and fell as I got out of the cab!”

My mother reached out to touch my face in sympathy.

“Good Lord! What in the world happened, Jude? Aren’t you too old to be doing that?”

“He got himself hammered over a woman. That same woman, Uncle Ralph,” Katie said, tongue-in-cheek, and followed it up with a snicker. “My brother is regressing. He’s doing what he should have been doing way back in high school.”

I shook my head at her and mouthed, “Enough.” My parents agreed by placing a finger over their lips to quiet her. I moved my mouth closer to the speaker phone. It hurt to enunciate my words, and I was too nervous to find anything the least bit amusing about what Katie had just said.

“Well, thanks, Uncle Ralph, for joining us. Mom and Dad and Katie are here too. I wanted to speak to you all about my decision. I’m not going back.” I paused to correct myself. “I mean, I’m going back to request for a dispensation.”

There was silence from both ends of the phone. Katie placed each of her hands on my parents before turning to me with a smile on her face. “Finally,” she said. “You’re being honest with yourself.”

Uncle Ralph was the first to react vocally. “I respect your decision, son, but let’s talk through this a little bit, if you don’t mind. Tell us what’s in your heart. Why did it take so long for you to decide this?”

I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully. “Five years ago, I took a trip to the opposite end of the world to find myself. Instead, I lost myself in the eyes of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her heart was pure, her soul was tortured. From the moment I met her, I knew that I wanted to be a part of her life. At first, I thought that we were meant to meet so that I could fix her. And as the days went by, I convinced myself that it was all we were to each other. When she rushed home to be with her family after the death of her mother, she took with her a part of me that left me with such emptiness that no amount of prayer or good works could even begin to fill. And so for four years, I loved her from afar, keeping in touch with her best friend, Dante Leola, and watching her blossom into her own.”

My father and mother leaned forward, stealing glances at each other as I continued to speak.

“And then one year ago, it no longer became enough for me to live in her shadow. I was filled with such longing for her. What insanity, what a trick of fate that the diocese assigned me to help at the parish that served the hospital where she was completing her residency! I became bolder, more determined to be near her. Sometimes I would blend in with the crowd of people in the emergency room just to be able to watch her at work. There were times when she was close enough for me to touch her. I would inhale the air that she walked in, I would listen in on her conversations. I craved to be a part of her life.”

“Did Father Scott know of this?” Uncle Ralph asked casually.

“I would go to confession and tell him what I had done, resolve never to do it again, and then go back to the hospital the following day to see her again. I sinned so much in the past year that the guilt was torturous, but it was worth every moment that I spent in proximity to her.”

My mother started to cry. She leaned on my father, who gently rubbed her back.

“Meu, why didn’t you tell us? It breaks my heart to think that you went through this alone. Nothing you do will ever make us stop loving you. We are proud of you as Jude, our son, a man, a loving brother. We will always want your happiness first and foremost.”

My father took over with tears in his eyes. “Jude, there are many things in this life that are incomprehensible. Many people spend wasted hours, years, lifetimes trying to follow a path that isn’t set in stone. The decision that you made to enter the seminary years ago was based on who you were then. It may not be who you are now. This choice, here and now, defines who you are and what you stand for. You are a brave and honorable man, and we are so very proud of you.”

I jumped out of my seat and rushed into my father’s arms. My mother followed suit, and soon we were mixing our laughter with our tears. Katie held my hand as we sat back down at the table.

“Jude! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Max ran out of the sliding doors and straight into my lap. “Is Anna with you? Did you bring Anna?”

“Shh. Maxie, we’re on a call right now with Uncle Ralph. Let’s talk later, okay? Anna is working at the hospital but I’m going to see her tonight.”

“Oh goodie! I’m going to send her a cupcake in a plastic bag. I made it at school yesterday. Can I, Jude? Can I send her a cupcake?” he asked excitedly, his hands tightly clasped around my shoulders.

“Of course you can! Go and wrap it up now, and I’ll come in to catch up with you after this call.”

“Okay!” he said. “Now all of you! Stop crying just because Jude came to visit us! He’ll be back again soon, right, Jude?”

“That’s right, Max. Now let us finish this call and I’ll be right in,” I said gently. He hopped to his feet and ran back inside the house.

Uncle Ralph reeled us back into the conversation. “It’s not going to be that easy to receive a dispensation. You know that, right? They may ask you to take some more time before making a final decision. You know that’s the Archbishop’s official seminary, the most prestigious one. You might have to run it up the ladder to Rome.”

“I know. I’m going to do everything that they ask me to, but my mind is made up. I’m taking Anna on a trip to Thailand tomorrow. We’ll be gone for a few days.”

“I know,” my mother teased. “Katie told me.”

“Katie! Again?” She shrugged her shoulders in response.

“Jude. One more thing,” Uncle Ralph said emphatically. “It is a privilege to be called by the bishop to the sacrament of holy orders. Never take that for granted in your life. Live a life of gratitude and praise for the honor of being called. Do you remember the book I gave you about saving a thousand souls?”

“Yes. It says that everyone has an intrinsic calling to be holy but that each person can choose to serve in a different way.”

“Yes, whether to the priesthood or religious life, or the single or married life. Which one will you choose?”

“Anna and I are going to fill this house with many grandchildren someday. I’m going to marry her if she’ll have me. When this is all said and done, I will spend the rest of my life loving her.”

Nothing, not even the reverberating drone of an approaching tuk-tuk that caught me off guard could successfully unglue the smile that was pasted on my lips. She should be awake by now, so I needed to get going. I had big plans for the day, and I couldn’t wait to tell her. The thoughts of kissing her again and touching her, and making love to her in the proper way and at the proper time were first and foremost on my mind. I felt free to be a man in love. Despite the occasional pangs of guilt about being in transition, I knew that it was only a matter of weeks before I would announce my decision to my superiors.

I hastily entered our villa, expecting to find her in bed but was filled with momentary trepidation when I realized she wasn’t there. I breathed a sigh of relief as I caught her reflection in the window; she was in the pool with her back turned towards me, her gaze fixed in the direction of the sea. Her long red hair, straight and wet from the water, shone brightly from the rays of the sun. Slowly, she turned around in response to the sound of the sliding glass doors.

“Good morning,” she greeted me.

“Hi. How are you feeling today?”

I leaned against the glass, content to just watch her, be that close to her. I smelled her, tasted her, felt her against me from that distance without a single touch. Just like the first time we met at the hut five years ago, I couldn’t comprehend it then and was still devoid of any answers now.

“Much better. Sorry about yesterday. I think I caught a twenty-four hour bug or something. Do you know that the same thing happened to me when I first arrived five years ago?” She started to swim towards me. “I don’t think I do very well on long trips. My shifts at the hospital have just been so hectic, but I’m fine now. How was your run?”

“It was great. It’s beautiful down there. I can’t wait to do some sightseeing today,” I said. “Did you have breakfast?”

“I hope you don’t mind. I ordered us some room service. They said it should be here in an hour. What do you want to do today?” she asked.