In This Life (9 page)

“Fine. No boyfriends, none. Lots of flings, but nothing serious. I was too busy in school.”

Suddenly, he slid me towards him until we were face to face, our tires rubbing against each other like bumper cars in an amusement park. He tipped himself forward and jumped into the water between my legs. I slipped my legs inside the tire and held my arms up so that he could lift it off me.

“Blue,” he sighed, “I wish things were different.” The luster in his eyes was gone.

I rested my head on his chest as he clasped his hands together behind my back. There was nothing else for me to say. I too wished that everything was different, and yet I hoped that things would stay the same. I needed my mother at that very moment. I wanted to tell her that I understood. I wanted to ask her about these feelings. I wanted her to confirm whether this was love.

I lifted my head up to catch his lips slightly parted. “I have to call my mom,” I said.

He acknowledged the loss of the moment. “Sure. Let’s get back inside and you can use my phone,” he replied, continuing to hold me close while smoothing his hands over my hair.

“Gray?”

“Hmm?” he answered dreamily.

“I’m a little freaked out. There’s something rubbing against my leg.”

He lifted me up gently, turning the flashlight back on and handing it over to me. I settled my feet lightly in the sand, afraid to step on something I couldn’t see. He guided my hand and held the light a few inches above the water.

“Look,” he said excitedly. “They’re seahorses.” He reached his hands down just below the surface, enclosing them in the palms of his hands.

“Cool! Why are they tangled up with each other like that?”

“It’s their defense mechanism. Do you see how the male with the pouch is hanging on to her tail? He’s protecting her.”

I brought my face closer to the water.

“Hey, do you know what they say about seahorses?” Jude asked.

“No, but I know you’re about to tell me,” I teased.

“That they mate for life. One mate. One partner. For life.” He emphasized this fact.

“That’s just a myth. Nothing, no one, mates for life.”

“WHERE’VE YOU BEEN,
slowpoke? We were supposed to meet thirty minutes ago! I already found ten things for us to take home and was just waiting to see what you thought!” I greeted Dante with a kiss on the cheek. We’d arranged to meet at the open market to find some last minute souvenirs for our family back home.

He placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “Spark. Let’s get out of this crowd for a while and talk.” There was a tremor in his voice.

“What? What’s wrong? Did you have a fight with Milena? Or Paulina?” I teased.

He shook his head sadly. “You need to call your dad,” he said as he handed me his phone. “Now.”

The moment I snatched the phone from him, it vibrated in my hand. I guess he couldn’t wait for me to call back.

“Dad?” I answered after one ring. She was foremost on my mind. “Are you going to be seeing Mom today? Tell her I found the perfect complement to the large rock in the garden.”

Dante took charge and pulled me out of the crowd into a secluded area behind one of the larger stalls.

“Annie,” my dad’s voice cracked. “I’m so sorry, she’s gone.”

I dug the phone into my ear to make sure that I heard him clearly. “Gone? What do you mean? Where’d she go, Dad? Did she leave the hospital? For where?”

“She never came out of surgery,” he cried. “She’s gone. Gone!” He exhaled loudly to compose himself. “Come home, Annie. Please come home.”

The phone slipped from my hand on the muddy ground, stealing the world from underneath my feet, leaving me with nothing but tears. By the time Dante wiped off his phone, I was dashing through the crowd, going against traffic, unsure about my destination but certain that I had to get away.

“Spark!” Dante shoved everyone in his way to get to me.

I could only think about the previous night’s phone call to my mother. Things didn’t work out the way I had planned. When my call was met by a male voice on the line, I was taken aback. Her lover was a living, breathing being, with a heart, a soul, and a voice. I hung up the phone and gave it back to Jude.

I tried to push Dante back. “I have to go. Please!”

“Anna, no. I’m here. Let me stay with you,” he pleaded. The comforting crush of his body managed to soothe my pain
.

“No, I’ll be okay,” I said, shaking my head. “Will you help me get my tickets, please?”

He nodded his head and watched me walk away.

I had to find Jude. I needed to inhale the fresh air he brought into my life before I suffocated to death.

Death.

An irony, wasn’t it? I’d been surrounded by it every day I’d been here, and now it had touched me from afar. All the way from the other side of the world, when I should have been buried deep in it here, holding it in my arms, begging it for forgiveness. I ran aimlessly through the village, past wooden huts and stone houses, past the squalor I had managed to overlook for two weeks.

I couldn’t find him. The one who could comfort me. Jude was gone. And in a few hours, I’d be gone.

For the past few nights, we’d been inseparable. While our days were spent in service to others, we selfishly guarded the privacy of our evenings in the hut that was our temporary home. We talked endlessly about our lives, our goals, our hopes and dreams. We shared the fears we had about what was waiting for us back home. We eased the burden of our inevitable departure by living in the moment, and we sought relief in the fact that forever was nowhere in the picture. That tomorrow was something that didn’t need to be discussed.

I never asked him any specifics about his future. I figured it was too late. Goals without plans are just wishes. All we had were wishes. Our goals and our plans would never intersect.

There was no way that I could leave without saying goodbye.

And so I kept searching, pacing along the shore, sinking deep into my sadness. My legs felt like lead. With every step an effort, I decided to give in. Maybe if I allowed this sinkhole to swallow me, I wouldn’t have to face anything. I dropped to my knees, my face in my hands, and the sound that emerged from my throat was unknown. I keened, I wailed, I let it all out. I’d lost my mother, and my future would be filled with regret.

“Oh my God. Blue?” Jude dashed up behind me and covered me with his body. “What happened?” I could see that he’d been out running. His hair and shirt were soaked with sweat and his breathlessness told me that he had finished his run with a sprint.

“She’s gone! She left me! I was going to tell her that there was nothing for me to forgive! That I loved her no matter what!” I wasn’t sure whether he truly understood what I was saying. I heard my thoughts but not my words. They were buried against his chest, and his heart absorbed all my sadness. “It’s too late. I’m being punished for my selfishness. I should’ve called her sooner, I should’ve gone home. I’m never going to see her again.”

“Shh. No, no. It’s not like that,” he whispered gently as he stroked my hair and held my face. “She was sick, Blue. And now she has her peace.” His voice, although soft, was marked by certainty. “Come on, let’s take you home.”

“I have to leave in the morning
,
” I said, gazing up at him. His eyes were filled with consolation.

“I know. It’s okay.” He lightly brushed his thumbs across my cheeks to wipe away my tears before settling my head in the crook of his neck.
The silence of the night was louder than it had ever been, and I could hear the thunder in the background; the impending storm had finally arrived.

He stood up slowly and bent down to scoop me in his arms, lifting me up to carry me. “I’ll take you home. You need to rest. You’re going on a long trip tomorrow.”

“No, please. I want to stay with you. Can you please let Dante know? Let him know I’m with you so he won’t worry.” My voice vibrated through his skin, and I inhaled the sweet, intoxicating smell of sweat and saltwater. I couldn’t bear to think that after tomorrow, my life would go on without him in it.

He nodded and used one hand to punch in a text message on his phone, the other arm still holding me up with ease, refusing to let me go. He took a few slow steps towards our make believe palace, the wooden hut at the end of the world, high above the water, almost touching the clouds. The sound of his flip-flops dredging through the sand ended at the bottom of the ladder. We’d been here many times before, but that night was different. We knew that nothing between us would ever be the same again. I kept my head buried in his neck and I heard a loud, resolute breath before he climbed the stairs with me held tight in his arms.

“Hi,” he whispered as we stood right at the top of the landing, overlooking our made up kingdom.

“Hi,” I answered, lifting my head up and wrapping my arms around his neck at the same time.

“Blue, there’s so much I want to tell you. I don’t know where to begin. I need you to know—”

“Shhh.” I traced my finger along the outline of his lips. “Words don’t matter now. It’s too late for words.”

He nodded his head with a sad smile, while lowering me and resting my head carefully on the floor.

“Jude,” I breathed. “I need to feel… Please, make me feel loved.”

He moved his body next to mine, trailing his fingers down from my face to my neck and slowly slipping his hand underneath my shirt. I took in a deep breath before closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of his skin against mine. Never had I ever felt so connected to anyone in my life. He kissed me, softly at first, allowing all that pent up energy between us to possess his hands as they roamed all over my body. He began to worship my lips, reverently tracing every inch of it with his tongue. And then he stopped, searching my face for approval. We were crossing the line and there was no turning back. I nodded my head and raised my arms above my head.

He responded by lifting up my shirt, exposing me completely, and then by covering every part of me with his mouth. His touch vibrated through my skin, it scorched my pain away. It was soothing, arousing, assuring. Like a powerful ray of light that erased all the blemishes in my life.

“My God, Blue, you are so beautiful.” He traced his lips downward from my breasts to my stomach and down to the red birthmark on the inside of my thigh. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

In that instance I was sure that I had realized my fate: it was to lose myself to someone who I would never see again.

“Jude!” I cried out as he buried himself inside me. How on earth did I survive so long without this? He stretched me, he pervaded me, but most importantly, he filled my heart.

“Tell me. Tell me this is different. Tell me this is special,” he ordered.

“It is,” I said with a moan as he pushed faster and faster. “Never, never like this.”

“You feel like home, Anna,” he groaned, resting his arms directly above my shoulders and holding my head in place. He continued forcefully, rhythmically, and we moved together, our bodies molding perfectly in a choreographed performance. We were made for each other and the many movements in this symphony were all part of a plan. The tempo, the rhythm, the alternating touches and kisses—they all came together in a perfect composition. Beads of sweat formed on his brow; his eyes were darker than they had ever been. He tried to stop, tried to pull back, tried to slow down.

“Oh God, Blue, I can’t—” he said, gasping and thrusting in deeply one last time.

I closed my eyes and imagined for once that my life was perfect. That he was the one who would save me from my sorrow.

We lay face to face in the middle of the floor, on the little mattress that had been witness to our days and nights together. In the intimacy of that moment I became panic-stricken at the thought of a future without him. I never really thought about what our lives would be like after these two weeks in paradise. Somehow, I thought that we would have more time.

That we would talk. And plan. Or at least say goodbye.

Once again, he read my thoughts. He enclosed me in his arms and entwined his legs around mine, saying, “I’ll call Dante right when I get back to the States.”

“Will you?” I asked. I never replaced my phone. I didn’t need to. All this time, we’d communicated through Dante.

“Of course I will. I feel so bad that I can’t be there for you. But they need me here for another month, and then I have to complete my stint in Australia for another four months.”

“Five months is a long time.”

“It will be over before we know it,” he assured me.

I remained quiet.

“We have something, you know.” There he was again, looking at me with so much honesty. Every single truth in this world made its home in his eyes.

I turned around and faced the other way, afraid to reveal my tears, but he pulled me even closer, desperate to convince the both of us that this was more than a stop on the road to leading separate lives.

“This was meant to be. Know that, my beautiful Bluey,” he repeated.

“Hmm,” I muttered sleepily, safe in his arms and content with accepting who and what we were to each other.