Insanity (15 page)

“Amen,” everyone says, and I feel like I want to dig Lewis Carroll up from his grave and ask him who the Pillar really is.

Chapter 44

The Vatican City

Once we land, the Pillar stops a taxi and chirps in Italian. When I say chirp, I mean it. It's like he is someone else entirely when he talks this loud language. I listen to him the way he says
bene
and cups his finger like Italians do. The taxi driver is fascinated by the Pillar, although I can't understand what they are saying. All I know is the Pillar's name is suddenly Professor Carlo Pallotti.

We finally stop at a beautiful square with narrow streets. The Pillar takes me by the hand and shows me around. He says we're going to St. Peters, one of the oldest churches in the world.

"Basilica di San Pietro in Vaticano," he waves at the utmost beautiful church in front of us.

"Mama Mia!" I find myself saying. I am not mocking him. Truly, the whole place and the church are magical. I can’t believe I have been trapped in the asylum for all this time. The world outside is mad, but it’s also beautiful. If I weren’t here on a mission, I’d be touring this location and taking pictures all day long. "But wait a minute, Professor Carlo Pallotti," I say. "What does this have to do with the White Queen?"

The Pillar doesn't answer me. He ushers me to some kind of a parade nearby. Not in the sense of carnivals and dancing girls. This is a very respectable celebration. All people look peaceful and modest. They seem to be waiting for someone, all looking in one direction. Carriages pass slowly between the spectators on both sides. It looks like the Queen of England's birthday parade, which I have just seen footage of on the plane.

The Pillar takes off his hat and tucks it in his suit. He tells me that there is a dress code for being near the basilica. Hats aren't allowed.

"So what are we waiting for?" I ask.

"We're waiting for her," the Pillar says, knocking his cane proudly against the ground. “The White Queen herself.”

"I notice you haven't smoked since we came back from London," I remark, standing among the celebrating people.

"That’s true,” the Pillar nods. “Here is what you have to know. Of all enemies I have met in my life, I only respect one,” the Pillar says, chin up, saluting other people waiting on the opposite side. "The White Queen.” He nods his head toward a red carriage pulled by two white horses. It's filled with a number of nuns or priestesses waving solemnly at us and the people around. I feel like I have to bow my head and wave back. They are beautiful. Old. Wise. And their smiles are relaxing. It’s as if they have no envy or anxiety in their hearts. I wonder why they don’t send the likes of them to nurse us in the asylum, instead of Waltraud and Ogier.

Still, I don’t think any of them is the White Queen.

"Vatican protocol formally requires that women, Catholic queens and princesses precisely, wear a long black dress with a collar, long sleeves and a black mantilla," the Pillar whispers in my ear as he salutes them with me.

"Mantilla? You mean that shawl on their heads?" I say.

"That's it."

“So are these women nuns or princesses?"

"Those are nuns. This is a very special ceremony," he explains. "Only a few selected princesses and queens were exempted and allowed to wear white in the course of the history of the Vatican.”

“Really?”

“It’s a very sensitive exemption,” the Pillar explains. “Only a few queens, like the Queen of Belgium, Italy, and Luxembourg were given that privilege. They like to call it Privilege du Blanc, ‘the privilege of the white,’" he says. "Of course, the most important woman who was ever exempted is her," he points at another carriage that appears. "She’s both a nun and Wonderland's White Queen."

There is one woman in the carriage. She wears all white, her hair is white and smooth, and her face is gleaming with some invisible serene power. She isn’t old like the others, probably in her late-thirties. Men and women nod at her as she waves at them. The way people look at her reminds me how people used to look at Mother Teresa years ago. The woman simply has my heart, and strangely enough I want to go to war for her. I feel like I have met her in the past buried behind my eyes.

"Her name is Fabiola," the Pillar announces. "The White Queen." For the first time, I see him bow his head when her carriage passes before us.

Chapter 45

St. Peters , The Vatican City

We follow Fabiola to a hallway inside St. Peters. The Pillar tells me that its inner designs are one of the most renowned works in Renaissance architecture. When I look at all this from another angle, I am such a lucky mad girl, having been to one of the oldest universities and churches in a couple of days.

"I need to ask this, Professor," I whisper in his ear, while we stand in line to kiss Fabiola's hands and receive her blessings. "I can accept that Wonderland is real and that its inhabitants live among us. I am even trying to accept that the likes of the Cheshire aren't malevolent childhood fantasies, but vicious monsters. What puzzles me is to accept them to be living all over the globe. Shouldn't all of this be happening at Oxford University where Lewis wrote his book?"

"When Lewis Carroll found out about the darkness lurking in Wonderland, he did his best to free its good people, and entrap its monsters," the Pillar says while greeting other tourists. He has an uncanny way with old ladies. They all giggle at him, even the nuns. "After Lewis locked the monsters in Wonderland, the rest of its inhabitants had to survive through incarnation and spells that allowed them to disguise behind new personalities all over the world. It was best for them to separate, so they wouldn’t cross paths. No one wanted to be reminded of what happened there. But since Wonderlanders are frabjous people by nature, they excelled wherever they were. I won’t be surprised if the Duchess ends up ruling England, the White Queen becomes the next Mother Teresa, and the Cheshire has a great chance to sell his soul to the devil. Those are a few of many others we haven’t met yet." He nods at one more woman and it's our turn to meet the White Queen.

"In that scope, it’s going to be a grand war between good and evil if the Wonderland Monsters escape like the Cheshire,” I remark.

"It’s called the Wonderland Wars, Alice," the Pillar says from the corner of his mouth, "Believe me, this is nothing to what you’re about to see soon. Didn’t you see me screaming on top of Tom Quad, warning people of an apocalypse? I hope you didn’t think I was joking like the sane people did." The Pillar stands up and bows to Fabiola, then approaches her.

I watch the Pillar kneel on one leg and kiss Fabiola's hand. Last time, I didn’t notice his hair is strangely spiky and short. It's also receding. He whispers something to the White Queen while on his knees. Like all other women, she smiles. Her smile is so serene, I swear I can feel light in my heart. But then when he raises his head and she takes a closer look at him, her face dims as if she has seen a ghost from the past.

Fabiola calls the ceremony to a halt and stands up. She is tall, and she is good-looking, really good-looking. Although I can’t see the features of her body from underneath her white dress, I am assuming she has a body of a ballerina. The way she stands shows she is athletic. I wonder what made her take on the role of a nun when she could have been a superstar or model in this life.

The Pillar stands up and keeps talking to her. She throws a short glance at me over his shoulders. I smile at her, unable to do anything else. I have never seen anyone like her. She flashes a brief smile at me too. It’s a sincere smile, but then she lets out a long sigh. Something about me brings sadness to her heart.

She turns back to the Pillar and whispers something to him. He nods agreeably. Then she holds the rim of her dress up like a princess and excuses herself from the other nuns who lower their heads with respect.

The Pillar approaches me in a hurry and pulls me by the hand to another private chamber in the church.

“What’s going on? Aren’t we going to meet the White Queen?” I wonder.

“We will. She doesn’t want to meet me in public. I am a bad man, you know,” the Pillar says in a regretful tone. I haven’t heard him sound like that. What kind of effect does Fabiola have on him? On me?

We pass through an enormous arch as he nods at a couple of nuns guarding the huge doors to the chamber. They lead us into a new hall and close the doors behind us. Fabiola appears on the other end, and points at the confession booth.

”This is going to be my first time in a confession booth, " the Pillar says. “I hope it’s big enough to fit us both.”

Chapter 46

Confession Booth, St. Peters, The Vatican City

"Forgive me Father for I have puffed," are the Pillar's first words in the booth. But then he looks embarrassed he said so. It’s like a habit. He doesn’t feel comfortable inside.

We’re waiting for the White Queen to open her screen to her compartment. The Pillar and I are squeezed into ours.

"Tell me what you want, Pillar,” are her first words when she rolls the screen open. She sounds a lot more serious than I would have expected. “Make it short. You know your presence in the house of God isn't that welcomed."

"Insults aside, I need to ask you something about Wonderland,” the Pillar says.

"There is no such thing as Wonderland," Fabiola says. I’m surprised with her response. I turn and face the Pillar with inquisitive eyes.

"She likes to joke," the Pillar explains.

"I'm not joking," Fabiola insists. "I don't talk about Wonderland in the presence of strangers."

"Alice is not a stranger," the Pillar says.

"She isn't
Alice
." The White Queen's tone isn’t negotiable. Although I like her, I am surprised she denies everything. “Not the one you think she is.”

"I'm Alice Wonder." I say. "And I don't necessarily want to be the 'Alice.' I am here to save a girl named Constance. Can you help us?"

The White Queen watches me closer from behind the screen. I see her eyes. They are a faint blue and the white around them, transparently clear.

"So it was really you who saved Constance the first time in Oxford,” she considers. I think her heart warms toward me a little. “I saw it on TV."

"I thought you said the TV was the devil's window to the world." The Pillar arches an eyebrow.

"Don't speak until I permit you to," the White Queen says. Last time I heard this, the Pillar was saying it to the Duchess. "So back to you, Alice Wonder.” She is definitely warming up to me. Saving lives means a lot to her. “You did a brave job there in Oxford."

"She couldn’t have done it without me..." the Pillar's words are cut off by the White Queen's stare. He doesn’t shrug, but he pouts. He could slit her throat. But then again, he couldn’t. They have a crazy relationship.

"Come here, beautiful," the White Queen tells me. "Let me see you outside this booth."

I squeeze past the Pillar and get out, eager to meet her. Outside, she takes me by the hand and walks me along her private place for prayer. It's as artistic and holy as the rest of St. Peters.

"Brave girls aren’t easy to come by these days," she still holds my hand, walking me to a part of the hall with statues all around.

"Thank you, White Queen," I nod, feeling safe in her hands.

"Please, call me Fabiola," she smiles at me and stops before an unusual part of the floor. It's made of black and white marble squares, and its surface glitters in the sunlight splaying through from the inlaid glass in the dome above us.

"Tell me why you want to save the girl?" she says. "Is she related to you?"

"Not at all," I say.

“Why would you save someone you don’t know?”

“I shared a special moment with Constance in Christ Church," I reply.

"Tell me about it." She pulls my chin up to meet her eyes. "Life’s biggest moments are small moments."

"When she was in the fireplace, she refused to take my hand to save her at first," I say. "She only did when I told her my name was Alice. And then when I saved her, she hugged me so tightly, like no one ever has before. It was a new feeling for me.”

“What kind of feeling?”

“I’ve always been looking for someone to help. At least, that’s what I remember from my last week in the asylum.”

“The asylum?” The White Queen gazes back at the Pillar as if he was my parent.

“I found her in an asylum. It’s like a kindergarten for mad people, that’s all,” the Pillar shrugs his shoulder. “Trust me, she is
the
Alice.”

The White Queen shakes her head and turns back to me. “Continue. You said you were always looking for someone to help.”

“When I met Constance, I felt like she was helping me by letting me save her.” The words flow without me even thinking about them. “It’s hard to explain.”

“It isn’t hard at all,” Fabiola says. “This is what true humans feel. We’re all here in this world to help one another.”

“And then Constance said something,” I continue.

"Go on. I'm listening. What did the little girl say?"

"She said the Cheshire told her that Alice in Wonderland is now older and would be coming to save her. Constance has her room filled with drawings of me being Alice in Wonderland, and the Cheshire Cat told her I am coming to save her. Regardless of the craziness of all that, I had to promise her that I would never let the Cheshire hurt her."

"A promise is a serious matter, Alice," the White Queen nods.

"But I couldn’t keep my promise,” I say. “I wish to stay true to my word."

"That's something I can help with," she considers. "You see, most people who come to see me are broken. They need help. They think I can help them, when they only can help themselves. I try to make them understand that. In your case, you seem to know it. Only you can help yourself and keep the promise you made."

"I believe so..." I smile.

"I will help you. Not because of this horrible man you walk the earth with, but because of that great loving energy I sense coming from you toward the world.” The White Queen has an unnamable magic on the tip of her tongue. The word she says stay with me somehow. It makes me feel twice as tall —which reminds me of Alice in the book again. “But I'm afraid you're not
the
Alice. You're not the one we're waiting for," she shakes her head. “I’m sorry. You have the same name and good heart, but not as strong as the real one."