Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (13 page)

People who can’t control themselves control the people around them. When you rely on someone for a positive reflected sense of self, you invariably try to control him.

Mind-mapping never ends. However, the politics of mind-mapping can shift as a relationship evolves.

R
eady to stretch your appreciation of sexual desire further? In
Part One
, we focused on the nature of human sexual desire and the role your sense of self plays in its ebb and flow. We saw how the common tendency to depend on your partner for a positive reflected sense of self creates normal sexual desire problems. This is not “stunted growth” or “arrested development.” Think of it as untapped potential. Your reflected sense of self is an early stage of the most sophisticated self on the planet!

The human self is a pretty miraculous thing. You are capable of developing an internalized solid self that does not hinge on validation from others. A self that remains resilient in the face of challenges from life and other people. But a more solid self is not a static, rigid self-image. It is stable and flexible at the same time. (That’s pretty amazing in itself.) You can stretch it and bring out new facets, and prune old aspects that no longer fit you. You can change a solid sense of self when you want to, but
retain your shape when others try to make you into who or what they want you to be. Flexibility and resilience are two basic and important characteristics of a solid sense of self.

A solid flexible self is also a “clear” sense of self, meaning clearly defined. A clear sense of self comes from developing an accurate identity, intrinsic self-worth, and lasting values and goals (ones that don’t arise from other people validating you).

A solid flexible self is arguably humankind’s most unique evolutionary achievement: It makes freedom, autonomy, choice, and self-determination possible. Developing a solid flexible self makes love relationships meaningful and long-term passionate marriage achievable.

The balance between your reflected sense of self and your solid flexible sense of self determines whether you experience desire or not. It determines when, where, and why you have desire (or don’t), and whether you miss it or not. But this is only the tip of the iceberg.

The really amazing part is that a solid flexible sense of self is just one of
four
powerful human abilities that shape your sexual desire, your marriage, and your life. There are three other unique human abilities (which I’ll discuss shortly) that you can develop to support and develop your self. In other words, there’s more to developing your self than staying clear about (or changing) who you are and staying true to your values and goals. You may be a sweet person with fine values and good intent. But if your anxieties drive you to avoid things or act impulsively, you’ll do things that violate your integrity, ideals, and goals, and diminish your self-worth. This often has a whopping impact on your sexual desire.

Carol and Randall were middle-aged folks who came to see me for their desire problems and marital difficulties. They were desperately seeking a new solution. Minutes into our first session, they locked into their typical interaction.

According to Carol, Randall wasn’t interested in having sex very often. “It’s like we’re brother and sister, rather than husband and wife. He forgets that I’m a woman. It shouldn’t be my job to remind him to act like a man.”

Randall retorted, “I know who I am. I don’t need you to tell me.” Carol rolled her eyes in contempt. Randall threw up his hands in disgust. “I’m not putting up with your crapola any more, Carol! I’m done. I’m really done. I’ve had it!”

Carol didn’t miss a beat. “You’re not the one who’s done here.
I’m
done! I can’t put up with you any more. We should get a divorce!”

Then, Randall and Carol said nothing. After insisting (once again) that they wanted nothing more to do with each other, what else was there to say? Neither one had any intention of leaving, and they both knew it. We sat in silence for several minutes. Their secret had been exposed: They had frequent nasty outbursts like this at home.

“I understand you’re both done. Now that we’ve established that, let me ask you something else: How long has it actually been since you’ve done each other?”

For a moment, Randall and Carol didn’t know what to say. Then they both broke into laughter. As they did, I mapped them out: They were smart. They had quick minds. They could change their frame of reference. They didn’t seem too terribly upset about threats of divorce. They’d done this many times. They lost themselves quickly and severely, but they also could recover fast with help.

Carol said, “It’s been six months—way too long.”

Randall immediately reacted. “You’re wrong. It’s only been four months. Don’t tell me it been six months. I know it’s not. I can count!”

I turned to Randall, waited a moment, and then slowly asked my question. I wanted him to map my thoughts and be clear this wasn’t a rhetorical question. I was really interested in his answer.

“If you know who you are … and you know you can count … then why do you take offense and get upset when you think Carol suggests otherwise?”

Randall’s immediate impulse was to get defensive and prepare for battle. Thankfully, he read me accurately and realized I wasn’t attacking him. He settled down and took a moment to actually think about my question.

“I guess I don’t have to be offended,” Randall said. “I know who I am. Pretty much.” The tension lessened, and he seemed more at ease and less agitated. This wasn’t happening because what Randall said was true. It was happening because I’d helped him support his reflected sense of self and momentarily disengage from his emotional fusion with Carol.

Let me tell you about four amazing human abilities that evolved over millions of years. Just like your solid flexible self, the origins of the other three abilities lie in the earliest days of the human race, and yet they surface in your lifetime only as you evolve and mature. They are as central to being a mature adult—and as woven into your sexual desire—as a solid flexible self. These abilities control more than your sexual desire: They determine how
all
desires in your life play out. Much like your solid (or reflected) sense of self, they control interactions with your children, parents, friends, and co-workers. So you can bet these four abilities are pretty powerful.

Like most people, Randall and Carol had difficulty in four key areas crucial to maintaining one’s emotional balance. I call these the Four Points of Balance. They are:

1. Solid Flexible Self™—the ability to be clear about who you are and what you’re about, especially when your partner pressures you to adapt and conform.

2. Quiet Mind–Calm Heart™—being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties.

3. Grounded Responding™—the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset.

4. Meaningful Endurance™—being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationship, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.

The First Point of Balance, when you have a
solid flexible
self as opposed to a reflected sense of self, lets you maintain your own psychological “shape” in
close
proximity to
important
partners who pressure you to accommodate them. You don’t have to keep distance (physically or emotionally) to stay clear about who you are. The more solid your sense of self, the more important you can let your partner be to you, and the more you can let yourself be truly known. You can seek advice and let yourself be influenced by others. You can change your mind when warranted. You can be flexible without losing your identity.

The Second Point of Balance—having a quiet mind and calm heart—allows you to regulate your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties. If you can’t soothe and comfort yourself, then your desires and life’s frustrations will pull you apart. Self-soothing is your ability to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurt feelings, and keep your fears and anxieties under control. A Quiet Mind–Calm Heart plays a critical role in mature adult love. It is central to our being the most adaptable, resilient animal on the planet.

The Third Point of Balance involves making grounded responses to the people and events around you. It means not overreacting in response to your partner’s anxiety. Grounded Responding plays a big role in mind-mapping: You have to buffer what you learn when you map the minds of the people you love. If you’re like most people, your ability to mind-map far exceeds your ability to remain calm and grounded. Mapping your partner’s mind can make you upset and highly reactive.

The Fourth Point of Balance lets you endure discomfort for growth. All animals seek pleasure and avoid pain. But what makes humans adaptive and successful is our capacity to forego immediate gratification and endure hardship. This allows us to pursue long-term goals and values we hold dear. Being able to endure the pain and heartache of relationships makes marriage, families, parenting, and caring for others possible. That’s not easy. But it’s easier to tolerate when your pain and heartache is meaningful, when it serves some purpose you value or something good might come out of it. Purposeless, wasteful, stubborn, or foolish pain and suffering is much harder to tolerate and accomplishes virtually nothing.

All Four Points of Balance are involved in maintaining, caring for,
and developing your self. These four abilities are the pillars undergirding your sense of self. These four capacities will help you keep your emotional balance when things get rough.

Do you stay clear about who you are when someone tampers with your sense of self? Or do you fall apart? Can you calm yourself when you’re upset or hurt, or do you need someone else to comfort you? When your relationship is struggling, do you overreact and run away from (or cling to) your partner? Do you accomplish those difficult things that need to be done to meet your goals, or do you give up, bail out, or goof off? These Four Points of Balance determine the strength or weakness of your sense of self.

Carol and Randall had sex about every third week, but they fought several times a week about whose fault it was that it wasn’t more often. They were emotionally brittle, and the intermittent cease-fires between them didn’t last. Neither could handle being wrong or imperfect. Usually one—and often both—would crash emotionally after an argument. They were quick to take offense and slow to heal. They often felt depressed. They could dish out abuse, but they couldn’t take it.